I rolled onto my front and buried my face in my pillow. Can’t have it all, Bastion. The words were a lie the voice had forced me to acknowledge, because I could have it all. I just needed to say the word and Tay would drop Tonya and the knell and be with me. No strings attached, if that’s what I wanted. But there was another revelation, another truth that there was no hiding from any longer. The truth that there were strings, so many strings that had somehow become connected to Azren and Valance and Tay, and I wasn’t sure I had the power to cut them.
Trevor found me in the kitchen with my hand in the cereal box.
“Ooo, no-bowl cereal eating,” he said. “This is bad.”
I finished my mouthful. “Tay’s on a date.”
Trev jumped up onto his seat. “Isn’t that what you wanted?” He side-eyed me, and if a dog could purse its lips, he’d be pursing away. “You want him, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Contrary to popular belief, guys don’t carry around crystal balls.” He sniffed. “Glad to see you’ve stopped making eyes at Azren, though. Now that one you should steer clear of. He’s on a lead, and the hand holding it is attached to a head that could bite your pretty face off.”
He was old-fashioned, Trev. Into love, marriage, and commitment. Trying to explain the tumult of emotions churning in my chest would be like trying to dissect a hurricane.
“Where is Azren?”
“Do I look like his keeper?” Trevor opened his paper and began to read.
Shoving the cereal box back in the cupboard, I went in search of my moody partner. Hopefully he’d managed to extract whatever had crawled up his ass last night and was feeling more amiable. Well, as amiable as a Shedim could be.
Grunts drifted down the steps as I neared his floor. My skin prickled and then his scent hit me, potent and sharp like the air before a storm. He was on the ground doing push-ups. His torso was bare and slick with perspiration. Muscles rippled as he moved up and down, and that ass, taut and firm and encased in form-hugging joggers, flexed enticingly.
I leaned against the arched entrance to his living space, watching as he continued to exercise. Nonchalant, Bastion. You’re just watching a guy do his daily workout with absolutely zero droolage.
He did fifty more push-ups, rose fluidly to his feet, and padded toward his room.
Seriously? Was he blanking me now? First Tay and now Azren? My diaphragm tightened and irritation licked at the base of my throat. The mature thing to do would be to walk away. To let him do his sulky thing, to not play the game, but I was all about the lay-your-cards-on-the-table. I was all about the last word, and it didn’t work if he refused to bloody speak.
“Why the cold shoulder? What the heck did I do?”
He paused in the doorway, his back to me. The muscles shifted in tension. “Nothing. I just don’t wish to socialize right now.”
And that would be fine, but his tone, his attitude, the way he was avoiding looking at me all pointed to an altogether different issue.
“I don’t buy it. We’ve been fine, right? We’ve been getting on great.” My throat constricted on the final word, forcing me to clear it. “Seriously, have I done something to piss you off, because I can do that sometimes. I can tell you now it wasn’t intentional.”
He walked into his room without responding and anger and confusion clawed at my chest.
I strode into his bedroom after him, but he’d already ducked into the bathroom. Like hell I was just walking away without having this out. The door wasn’t locked; it opened with a slight push, and then Azren’s hand was around my throat and my back was up against the wall. Steam from the shower billowed around us, condensing on my skin in droplets, but there was nothing but the glow of his jade eyes and the cage of his body against mine as he pinned me to the tiles.
“What do you want, Wila? Is this what you want?”
His thumb was pressed to my jaw, and he used it to push my head to one side, exposing my neck. The air was warm and the sting of steam as it cooled on my skin was almost too much, and then he ducked his head and swept his tongue up the column of my neck. Warm, rough, and sudden, the movement sparked a tightening between my thighs and coaxed a whimper to stick in my throat.
He locked gazes with me. “Is this what you want?”
His voice was a growl, his fingers punishing as he cupped my breast with his free hand and ran his thumb over my painfully hard nipple through the fabric of my shirt. He watched my reaction: the involuntary parting of my lips, the hungry groan, the arch of my chest as I curved into him. Shadows swirled to life in the depths of his eyes, radiating out of his obsidian pupils and eating away at the deep green irises. His grip tightened into a rough caress of squeeze and tug that sent lightning dancing down my abdomen to the secret place of wet desire. He leaned into me, the side of his face pressed to mine as I squirmed, wanting to get free, wanting to get closer, because yes, this was what I’d wanted. I wanted it all, and he was here, so close. His scent was the promise of thunder, driving all sense out of my mind so all that mattered was tasting him. Turning my head and flicking out my tongue, I licked the salt from his skin.
He froze, every muscle and sinew tightening, and for a moment, there was nothing but the sound of water beating against ceramic and my erratic breath.
“Azren ...” His name was a plea falling from my lips. A question, a demand, a desperate need, one that had been building from the day we’d met.
With a guttural moan he pressed flush up against me. His arousal, hot and hard between us, cut the strings holding me up. I sagged against him, into him, hands coming up to claw at his shoulders, my fingers digging in to pull him closer. His hands found my hips, biting into my flesh as he hauled me against him, cupping my ass to lift me so I had my legs wrapped around his waist. My head fell back and his mouth found my neck again—lips and tongue and the sweet scrape of his lethal teeth while my hips undulated against his, begging, yearning. I rode him through the fabric, our grunts and groans reverberating off the tiles in a carnal symphony that was drowned out by the beat of the blood rushing in my ears and the rapidly swelling crescendo at the apex of my thighs.
“Wila? Wila, you there?” Trevor’s voice penetrated the carnal haze that had fallen over my mind.
My hips stalled in their sinuous dance and Azren froze again. He leaned back, his hooded gaze raking over my hot face. His lips were parted, the bottom one bloody where he’d bit down on it. He swiped his tongue across it and my pulse spiked. The skin healed instantly.
“Wila?” Trevor was closer now.
I opened my mouth to speak, to say something, anything, but Azren pressed his index finger to my lips. The action drew his attention to my mouth, and I was suddenly very aware that he had me pinned to the wall with his groin.
He leaned in, his breath hot on my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “He won’t come in.”
I nodded.
Several beats of silence followed, and then slowly—deliberately—Azren peeled his upper body from mine and set me on my feet. He turned his back to me, shoulders heaving.
My mouth was dry. There were no words, because we’d crossed some kind of boundary and there was no pretending any longer.
“I’m not what you need.” His voice was gruff. “I’m not what you want. I belong to my liege. Being with me isn’t safe for you.”
“It’s just sex.” The words cracked and broke and my flippant statement came out as more of a question. “You have meaningless sex all the time.”
He turned to me with the full force of his fiery gaze. His jaw ticked. “Yes, Wila. I have meaningless sex all the time.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as his words sank in, my focus on the inflection on the word meaningless. He was saying this was more. That we were more than meaningless. For the first time in forever, the panic that usually accompanied such a revelation was absent; instead there was pleasant heat, the kind that came with yearning and quiet acceptance, and this nudged to life a new kind of anxiety.
> His eyes flared as if reading my emotions. Had he read me?
He shook his head, sorrow painting his face. “Go.” His voice was raw. “This never happened. Just forget it happened.”
His words were shards piercing my heart as I echoed them. “It never happened.”
The lounge doubled as a cinema room on the odd occasion when I got the chance to binge-watch movies or my favorite TV shows. Curtains were pulled to cover the French windows, the lights were turned off, and Hound was curled up at my feet. Popcorn crunched and the tiny blonde kicked bloodsucker arse while quipping like it was going out of fashion. Heck yes, this was how it was done. No thinking about Azren, or what had almost happened, no worrying about Tay and his date with Tonya. Just some kick-ass supernatural action.
The door opened, and I didn’t need to look up to know who’d entered. His presence was a warm hug and his aroma was musky and totally male today. No cologne, just his natural troll pheromones. The sofa dipped as he lowered himself onto it and helped himself to a fistful of salty popcorn.
“I love this episode,” he said.
“Yeah, me too.”
We watched in companionable silence. This season was my favorite, and he’d watched it with me several times, saying the lines with the actors. Sometimes, he’d do the female lead and I’d do the male; it always had Trevor in stitches. My eyes pricked and my chest ached with nostalgia. Would we ever be able to go back to that again? He had Tonya now, so maybe soon.
The credits rolled on the episode, and I hit pause and then grabbed the contracts off the coffee table.
“When do you need them back?” Tay asked.
“She said forty-eight hours, so can you drop them back later tonight?”
He nodded. At least I think he did, because looking at him meant seeing his face, his beautiful, beloved face, and then saying goodbye, because soon he would belong to another.
“Wila, Mack told me he told you about Tonya.”
I fixed a smile on my face and turned to him. “And that’s great. I’m really happy for you.” I slapped his thigh in a hey-we’re-mates gesture.
He frowned. “You’re a shitty liar.”
My shoulders slumped. I had no right to hold onto him, not after what I’d been up to with Azren a couple of hours ago. “I’m also a shitty person. You’re better off with Tonya. Trust me.”
His frown deepened, and he reached up to cup my face, tilting it so he could look down into it. “You are not a shitty person. You’re the most …” He stopped and swallowed. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and ... I’m head over heels in love with you.”
My heart climbed up into my throat and beat rapidly, because he’d gone and said it again, blatantly said what I’d wanted him not to say again, because now there was no hiding from the fact that, despite my reservations, I felt the same way. I was in love with him, head over heels, boil-a-bunny in love. But it would never be enough, because Tay alone couldn’t fill the emptiness in my soul. I knew it like I knew I had five fingers on each hand, and goddamn, I hated myself for it.
I shook my head, blinking back tears. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I’m broken, Tay. It’s like there isn’t enough love to fill me, and even though I have you, I want more.”
Darkness flitted across his broad features. “Tell me.”
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the disgust on his face when I opened my heart. But he was one of my closest friends, and hiding this part of me from him for the past few years had been a physical torment. My words were a hushed whisper. “I love you too, Tay.” His breath exploded against my lips in a soft gasp. Oh, God. There was more he needed to know. “But I just dry humped Azren in the bathroom, and I think ... I think I have a thing for Valance too. I’m so messed up.”
His fingers flexed against my skin, and there was deep silence for several beats of my twisted heart. “You have feelings for them?”
“I don’t know. Yes. I think so. It’s new and different. Not like it is with us.”
“Open your eyes, Wila.”
I did, expecting to see reproach or disappointment, but there was only compassion. How was he looking at me like that? “How can you not be disgusted with me right now?”
“You told me the truth, even though it was hard, even though you knew you might lose me. You told me because you’re not the kind of person that wants to hurt anyone, and I can see this is tearing you up. This is hurting you.”
I gripped his collar. “I just want to be like everyone else. I want to love someone and for that to be enough.”
His thumb swept across my cheek. “But you’re not like anyone else. You’re you. You can’t be anyone else, and you can’t fight your instincts all your life. That feeling inside you, the one that yearns for more ... maybe if you listen to it, you might find out who you really are.”
I blinked up at him. “You’re telling me to go forth and have tons of lovers.”
He flinched and closed his tawny eyes briefly. “I’m telling you to do what comes naturally, to stop listening to the world and listen to your heart. I’m telling you that it’s okay to be you.” He smiled. “The mating bond is who I am. It drives me. Maybe this ... this need for more, is who you are. Maybe it’s what drives you.”
His words were like a lever prizing away the rock that had been sitting on my chest forever.
I reached up to frame his face with my hands because I needed to know. “Have I lost you?”
He tucked in his chin and pressed his forehead to mine. “I don’t know, Wila. Not yet. I need to go. I have some things I need to look into.” He pulled back, taking a piece of me with him. “I’ll see you later.”
The door closed softly behind him and Hound lifted his head and plonked it on my lap. I laid my head on his and sighed. “Thanks for the hug, boy. At least I know things between us will never get complicated.”
He chuffed.
“In a few hours, we can go and do what we do best.”
His ears perked up.
“Yeah, babe, we’re gonna go kick some alien metal ass.”
This was good, this was normal. K was locked and loaded. Hound was padding along beside me, and Azren was a few paces behind. The moon was high and bright, the sky an inky canopy of twinkles, and we were about to get ambushed by metal monsters.
This was normal.
The stadium was a mess. Turf had been overturned and raw materials like wood and metal poles were piled up along the sides of the arena. But yeah, we were taking a stroll up and down until the Genisi came for me. Hon was certain they would, and the elite were stationed around the perimeter ready to take them down.
“How you holding up?” Hon’s voice crackled in my ear.
“Ready to get this over with.”
“You and me both. I’m so ready to get off this rock.”
“Hey, it’s not that bad.”
She snorted. “Yeah, I’d say the same with that arm candy trailing me.”
“Leo’s pretty hot.”
She made a choking sound. “Leo and I aren’t a thing. He’s just ... yeah, we’re not.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I like your coat, by the way.”
“Yeah? This baby is bulletproof.”
“Really?” She sounded impressed. “I need to get me one of those.”
“I have a friend who may be able to hook you up.”
“Sweet.” There was a beat of silence. “You know, all we need is a little rolling fog and we’ll have the opening credits of a great new show. You in your dustkicker, huge hound at your side and crazy hot demon at your back. Dark, brooding, and—heads up!”
My brain glitched for a moment and then Hound was knocking me to the side as metal clanged against the spot where I’d just been standing. What did these fuckers do? Materialize in the fucking air.
Silver flashed in my periphery. I turned, raising an arm to block the blow, and the metal scraped across enchanted leather, sparking embers. I pivoted and slamme
d my other arm into the thing’s body; the blow threw it back a step, enough for one of the elite to get a hit with their electromagnetic gun, and the force of the blast knocked me off my feet.
Azren hauled me off the ground as the stadium was suddenly filled with the Genisi, and then the elite spilled out of the stacks and balls of blue electromagnetic power began to fly.
“Go, get out of here!” Hon screamed. “Meet us at the rendezvous point.”
Hound covered me as we ran for the exit.
I paced the asphalt outside the stadium where the elites’ black vans were parked. Any trouble and Hon had instructed us to get in and activate the electromagnetic shield built in to the vehicles. It was the only thing that could disable the Genisi.
“Now this is over, we can start combing the undercity,” Azren said.
He had the brooding pout thing going again, and despite how stiff and awkward things were between us after the bathroom grope, there was no ignoring that smolder.
I tore my gaze from his profile. “First thing tomorrow.”
He nodded.
“If we find their location, then I may not have to return with you from the meeting with Elora,” he said.
I glanced up at him. “You think she’d let us off the hook that easily?”
“If she gets what she wants. Yes. She’ll want me back at her side as soon as possible.”
Why did that hurt so much? “I’m sorry you hate it so much here.”
There was no hiding the bitterness in my tone. I turned away quickly, wanting to take back the words because they were unfair and unnecessary.
His heat brushed against the back of my neck. “I don’t hate ... Wila, I—”
“Hey!” Hon jogged out of the stadium with Leo at her back, a huge grin on her face. “We got them all, thanks to you.”
Azren withdrew, taking his delicious heat with him.
I held up my hands. “I didn’t do anything.”
City of the Lost (Chronicles of Arcana Book 2) Page 12