“So you waited until 2011?!”
I continued, “And let me just say, you following Jim Cooney’s ‘brilliant’ advice has done us no favors as far as our relationship is concerned. First, he instructs you not to talk to me for five months after I testified, and now this?”
I started asking details about what was and wasn’t real. He immediately went into reaction mode, and I realized that I was interrogating him the way Elizabeth did for years.
So I stopped.
“Yeah, I don’t know where this is going to leave us.”
He simply said, “You’ll adjust.”
We hung up. I sat still. Fucking unbelievable. I, too, had betrayed myself. After a couple of minutes of beating myself up with mean thoughts followed by awful feelings, in my head I let go of everything that I knew to be real and true and just sat there. The mind likes to hold on to thoughts, attach and file thoughts to a category called “What I know.” This gives us a (false) sense of security and pride. And now my mind had nothing to hang its hat on as far as my relationship with Johnny was concerned.
Johnny didn’t do anything out of character. He has a long history of lying about one thing only—women—and I mistakenly thought I was different. I was in love with him and wanted to be special. I wanted to be the only one he didn’t lie to. But I had one problem: I was a woman.
Stupid me.
I really don’t believe Johnny’s lying about women was ever malicious. It’s actually very understandable behavior from a passive-aggressive man. One that never learned how to express his feelings and how to stand up for himself. Just like many children who learn how to use lying as a tool to get what they want, he used it as a defense to keep women, intimacy, and real feelings at bay and get what he wanted. Interestingly enough, unconscious passive-aggressive men are also frequently partnered with an aggressive witch on wheels, allowing themselves to be the passive good guy, the victim of all the madness directed at them. In reality, the pattern keeps them from taking responsibility for their own feelings and standing up for what they feel.
I misjudged. You don’t actually trust other people—you trust your judgment of them. It all takes place inside of you, and when your judgment is wrong, it’s you that can’t see clearly. The anger and sadness you experience is at yourself for not seeing clearly. But you must forgive yourself because, believe it or not, when you truly forgive yourself, you will be able to see real gifts in what happened. And even though Johnny is who he is, I don’t want to label him and lock him into an image that he may no longer fit. Johnny is a very different person today than he was when we met on February 21st, 2006. I actually don’t ever want to label anyone, even Andrew or Cheri, because labeling stops understanding. When you label people, you can no longer relate to them or understand them.
In the end, we are all human and we will all betray ourselves from time to time. We all have agendas and, God willing, we will all fall in love.
I fell in love. I followed my heart and I don’t regret it. I cannot regret it because I learned a lot; in fact, I grew up. Our relationship and all its consequences helped me to evolve—I am a different person. But more importantly, as any mother knows, I cannot regret our love because it produced the greatest love in my entire life: Frances Quinn.
Johnny does know me well. Just as he said I would, I adjusted.
The government has this argument that Johnny was hiding me in order to influence the election. I don’t agree with that at all because Johnny hid me for the last two years and he wasn’t running for anything. His defense argues that he was hiding me from Elizabeth, but even after she passed away, he was still hiding me.
My Quinn in the hat—at home in Charlotte.
I would say that he was hiding me because he was still unable to stand up for his feelings and because his desire to protect his family from emotional pain outweighs his need to be honest about how he truly feels.
Way back when Johnny and Elizabeth separated (it feels like a lifetime ago), he and I automatically, naturally, just went right back together. And to my surprise, I discovered that there were parts of my personality, parts of my good nature, that had shut down and did not seem to be coming back into our relationship. It’s like a slice of pure innocence—my youthful, blissful self—went into hiding when Andrew claimed paternity and even more so when Johnny publicly denied our love. Of course, the biggest part of me left “us” when he denied Quinn was his daughter.
I have gone through phases over the course of the past two years. Sometimes I would be happy to be around him, especially seeing him together with Quinn. He is a great dad to her when he is with her. But there were parts of me that did not like him and were not interested in him coming back into the mix. I was protecting myself from more hurt and I was still mad at myself for getting involved with him in the first place, for allowing the hurt to happen.
Around the summer of 2010, I began requesting couples therapy, which I saw as the only way to salvage our once incredible romance. I was met with many “maybe, if I don’t get indicted”–type responses. And then I kept thinking, if I could just hold out until the criminal case is over, then we could see where we were and attempt to rebuild. But out of nowhere came, “Oh, by the way, I made up women for basically the first six months of our relationship.” I believe that severed what few threads I had left holding “us” together.
But I didn’t stop just yet, even after that: I gave him a real heart-to-heart talk, which was basically filled with many a “You aren’t nice to me,” and “I just don’t like you anymore” from both of us. And then I threw one final Hail Mary pass: “Will you do couples therapy with me?”
Which was met with his usual passive reply: “I don’t know.”
Which naturally hit a button in me—the “Can’t you take a clear stand on anything?” button. He’s frustrating because his way of operating is so very different from mine and it’s something I don’t have a lot of patience for anymore.
So I went ahead and helped him with this one. I said, “That answer says it all. I am taking a stand. We are done with the romantic part of our relationship.”
And I was. I was absolutely finished.
I woke up the very next day and felt wonderful, in way that I hadn’t felt for a very long time. I realized that I had been bogged down, suffering from judgmental overload, with unfulfilled expectations and a few assumptions mixed in. I had been very attached to making our romantic relationship work for so many reasons. He was the father of my child, we were so in love, I had invested so much time and energy into our relationship, and we had been through the wringer. I wanted to prove all the negative media wrong regarding how frivolous our relationship is or was. I just wanted to make it work, darn it! And I finally got to a place where it no longer mattered to me. I finally let it all go.
Quinn surrounded by her “guys.” She has named every single one of them, except G-raffe—he was named by her granddaddy Wallace.
True forgiveness is letting it all go.
And when I dropped it all, I felt free, happy, and whole. Many parts of me that had gone into hiding immediately came dancing back. Love was everywhere.
And shockingly enough, once there were no more romantic expectations between us, Johnny was suddenly much nicer to me. Amazing how that works!
Late in the afternoon, we were running an errand with Quinn. When I got out of the car, I looked at Johnny and out of nowhere, I thought, “You’re actually quite handsome.” I was very attracted to him again for the first time in a long time.
Yep, that’s right, my big “taking a stand and ending it” lasted less than twenty-four hours. Oh, but what a difference a day makes. For me it was a new beginning, one I find ironic because it came at the same time as the end of my writing this book.
Johnny said to me later that night as he was kissing me, “You’re back. I’ve missed you.”
He was right, and it was so unbelievably simple: by dropping the self-judgment, the disappointment in myself, and my need for it not to end, love came pouring forth again. It felt so unbelievably fantastic to have all those youthful emotional parts back in our relationship again.
Yes, I was finally done with our romantic relationship, but apparently it wasn’t done with me. One of the many things that I have learned is that our combined love, the mysterious, unpredictable force that exists between Johnny and me—the very same force that I felt on that first night when I walked into his hotel room at the Regency when I had earlier been afraid to walk across the room—that indescribable whatever it is, it is not to be underestimated.
I really have absolutely no idea what will happen with us. The jury is still out. But I can honestly say that the ending is of no concern to me anymore. The love is here. And as sappy as it may sound, I love living in love.
Epilogue
Johnny and I, because of or despite the fact that we fell head over heels in love, have been through so much awfulness, hardship, heartache, and media scrutiny, with the wrath of America directed at us, that I think it would appear to almost anyone that the odds of us making it for the long run are not good.
I am not different from most women in this regard: what I want in a relationship is a full-time romantic relationship filled with laughter that is based on real intimacy, a relationship that causes continual growth, and is emotionally open and honest with off-the-charts sexual chemistry. And even more important to me than my own experience, I want Quinn, the love of my life, to have a full-time dad and a role model that enables her to have a love relationship with real intimacy of her own when she grows up.
I have talked to a lot of women about this, and most women who say they want what I want seem to think that it doesn’t exist, that men are men and you will never have all of what you want in one package. And, as a woman, you will always have to fold parts of yourself to accommodate a man or a relationship.
When Oprah came to my house, she asked me one of her standard questions: “What do you know for sure?” It’s a great question, but given my perspective, it’s a very difficult question to answer honestly. My answer didn’t make it into my interview—it was probably too wacky for most people to understand exactly what I meant by it.
I have had some time to think about it and, in 2011, after everything I have lived through—falling in love, working in politics, having an affair with a presidential candidate, getting knocked up by a married man, living on the run, becoming a mother, withstanding the media stalking and bashing, having my private possessions stolen, the perpetual invasion of my privacy, the court cases, co-parenting from hell, the government’s witch hunt, and discovering that I, too, betrayed myself—I actually have an answer to Oprah’s question.
Here’s what I know for sure: anything is possible, nothing is predictable, and no matter what you think the weather may look like, don’t ever, ever leave your house without sunglasses.
Life is weird. And within that, you always have a choice. You can be miserable, criticizing and blaming and crying for the world, or you can be happy: drop your judgments, take God by the hand, put on your shades, and just go with it.
Erica Jong once said, “Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Of course, I would add that if that love is shared with someone who is not your spouse, you might not want to step front and center onto the public stage with a run for the presidency.
You can deny it to yourself, you can lie to the world, you can run, you can hide, but no matter what you do, Truth will eventually find you. It’s inevitable.
Acknowledgments
My life is full of love and support from some fantastic people. I want to publicly thank them; I am very grateful for each of them. In one way or another, they have all enriched my life. (And, if you are a member of the media please do not call or bother one person on this list, of course, with the exception of RoseMarie. All calls go to Rose!)
Mimi Hockman: Just a little innocuous “Let’s go to the Regency for a drink, I want to relive the love and show you where we sat.” CUT TO six years later, your four-year-old God daughter is standing in my closet trying on my shoes. It’s all your fault, again! I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for your never-ending love and support. I am forever sorry for all the media harassment as well as the many subpoenas! You are a beautiful, talented, hilarious woman, a great mom, and the complete definition of a true friend. There is no such thing as too much Mimi. And to Jack and Cole, my sweet God sons: I love you both.
RoseMarie Terenzio: You are a constant source of joy, support, and humor in my life. You became my friend and my publicist in the first five minutes of our initial phone call. This book exists because of you and your “Are you fucking kidding me? You need a book deal yesterday!” I love you. I can’t thank you enough.
Steve Troha: My agent and one of my many gifts from Rose. It’s been a long road with many laughs. Meow. Thank you, Steve. I am honored to call you my agent, and more importantly, my friend.
Glenn Yeffeth, my publisher: It’s been a wonderful experience. Thank you for your patience, flexibility, and courage to publish a book written by such a “crazy mistress.” May your courage reward you greatly.
My editor, Erin Kelley: Thank you and congratulations on your new married life!
Leigh Camp, Adrienne Lang, and all the other BenBella folks who worked so hard on this book: Thank you.
Janet Boschker and NorthLight photography: Thank you for the cover photo and the author photo.
Kim Wood: Thank you for always being able to accommodate my hair around my child care or lack thereof.
Tom Steele: Thank you for your edits, your shift key, and your recipes! You are a joy, and not just in the kitchen!
Elizabeth Spainhour from Brooks Pierce: Thank you for your legal eyes on this book.
Hilary Liftin: Thank you for your time on the first proposal. You are a fantastic writer, but, for whatever reasons, I had to write my own book.
Kip Hunter: I love you. Thank you for so many wonderful years, thank you for your name, and thank you for being so completely Kip.
Angela Janklow: How is it possible we both have four-year-olds? And as you know, I will always love you, your loyalty, and all things Willie.
Burr Collier: I love you. You are a constant gift to me and Quinn. And to Burr’s gang of friends (especially Helen) that have become mine—thank you for your support.
Glory Crampton: Thank you for decades of friendship; I love you.
All of my California friends, especially my girls Laurie, Maggie, Wendy, Cindy, Amy, Vanessa, Katie, and Annabelle: I love you all.
My Jersey girls: Liza, Chloe, and Eileen—I miss our ladies’ lunches!
All of my Charlotte moms, neighbors, and friends, especially Amy Lothrop and Amy Antoniak: Thank you.
Frances, John, Jack, and Francie Hankins: Thank you for being so wonderful.
Dawn, Patrick, and Summer Bannigan: Hours and hours of play with you make the day fly by, and you make Charlotte heaven for us. Thank you. Quinn and I love you!
Ms. Trish, Ms. Ann Marie, and Ms. Willow: Thank you for taking such great care of my sweet girl.
Pastor John Earl: Thank you for your prayers and your constant patrolling.
Christine, Vanita, Hollie, Harriet, and Hayden: Quinn and I love you. Thank you.
Dr. John Vanderheide: Thank you for my bringing my sweet girl into the world.
Dana Smith: Thank you for your stellar protection, and for being such a huge help. And wow, you have such a photogenic arm! Every time I see someone driving recklessly, I still hear your voice in my head saying: Look at this idiot. Thank you for all those laughs.
South Orange
Police Department and the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department, Providence Division (especially Sergeant Dave): A big thank you to each and every one of you for keeping us safe. When I see cops on the road, instead of thinking: Oh no, there’s a cop! Am I speeding?, I now think: There goes my friend.
Julie Damron: Thank you for your efforts.
Sam Cullman: You are filled with goodness as well as talent.
Lisa DePaulo: Thank you for your integrity.
Jill Barancik: Oprah is very lucky to have you. You are a walking Super Soul Sunday.
Lisa Blue and Fred Baron: A big thank you for always trying to do the right thing. Lisa, I am truly sorry for your loss.
Rob Gordon: I love you. Thank you for the hours upon hours of support especially during “the” interview.
Michael Critchley and Frank Louis: Both of you are grandfathers that care. Thank you.
Wade and Elizabeth Barber: Thank you for your continual work and goodness on my behalf.
Smith Moore and Leatherwood: Thank you for Alan Duncan and Allison Van Laningham.
Alan: Thank you for your stellar work to protect my privacy. I am grateful beyond words.
And Allison: The greatest thing that came from me not burning that tape is meeting you. I love you. Thank you for “Quinn’s” beach house and thank you for your friendship and most of all thank you for you.
Kearns Davis at Brooks Pierce: Thank you for your meticulous counsel.
To my spiritual teachers: You are one. I live in love and gratitude because of you. Thank you for your time, support, and blessings.
My “kool” friend: Thank you for decades of friendship and laughs. May you succeed with your life’s goal of never being googled.
My dear Bob: A man who really knew his way around a Reuben sandwich. What a joke, and one that would have gotten a lot mileage between us. I miss your laugh and your sense of humor. I am truly sorry for all the pain your family has gone through from this mess; not a day goes by that I don’t miss hearing your voice. I love you every day, and miss you always. Thank you for always holding my hand, and, more importantly, thank you for forever holding your God daughter, Quinn, in your heart.
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