by Joe Garden
So What’s in There?
Think about how your person looks in the morning when she gets up or when she spends all day sitting around the house in her pajamas, watching movies on cable. Notice how different she appears when she’s going out. Her eyes look bigger, her lashes look like whiskers, and her cheeks look like she actually gets sun instead of staying inside, staring at a computer all day. The reason your person spends so much time digging through the medicine cabinet in the morning is that she keeps a disguise in there. But why would your person need a disguise? Our best guess is that she is a criminal on the run from the law, making you an accomplice to a fugitive. How exciting!
UNDER THE BLANKETS
Whenever your person is making the bed, she chases you away instead of allowing you to sprawl out and get covered by the sheet. The rare occasion when a cat sneaks in while her person is in bed reveals nothing, save a pleasant feeling of being surrounded by warmth. Yet this does not mean that there’s not something present when your person is away. Something dangerous? Perhaps. But cats thrive on danger, and we must see for ourselves what lies on the other side of the blanket.
So What’s in There?
It’s not so much what’s on our side of the blankets as what’s on the other side of the blankets. Most cats agree that when we are under the blankets, a monster is on the outside. For this reason, you should practice extreme caution. Lie very still. If something on the other side moves, pounce! Or pounce as well as you can when you’re covered with blankets. Then, quickly wiggle free and have a look. If there’s no monster there, you have scared it away. Good job!
NOTE: Sometimes, when you are on top of the blankets, something might move beneath them. That could be a monster as well, and may pose a danger to your person, who is sleeping peacefully in there. Attack with extreme prejudice.
THE TOOL CHEST
This can come in many shapes, colors, and sizes, but it always has a handle on the top and makes a lot of noise when it moves. How could such a flimsy box hold so much racket? And why do people close it right as your nose is about to get in there? Foiled again!
So What’s in There?
These things are actually miniature orchestra pits for street musicians. Most of the time the occupants are asleep. That’s why it’s usually so quiet. But as soon as it is picked up, the musicians wake up to play and start to tune their instruments. They can’t afford real instruments, so they just bang on whatever scraps get thrown in there. If granted access, we could teach them some grand old cat songs like mom used to sing. So let us in there, already!
THE UTILITY CLOSET
This is a door, just like every other door in the house, with one exception: It’s almost always closed. Every once in a while, your person pulls it open, really quick like, so there’s not even time to run in and check it out for yourself. There’s just a rattling noise and darkness. Instead of being scary, though, it’s weirdly inviting.
So What’s in There?
After ruling out ghosts, monkeys, dirigibles, murderers, and robot dogs, we are left with one alternative: That door leads to a parallel dimension that is filled with everything a cat’s heart could desire. Treats grow on trees, and the trees are themselves made of pork loin. There are windows everywhere and the sun is always shining through them. Butterflies are there to be chased from flower to flower, and the ground is just the right softness and temperature for napping. This is why it is imperative that you get in there. Call us once you do and keep the door open for us. We readily admit that this hypothesis could be wrong and the closet could just be a place to keep brooms. Either way, it’s extremely interesting, and you have to let us know.
Hunting Wild Game
As you now know, birds, bugs, and mice make thoughtful gifts, but even if you don’t have time to visit the dead vermin aisle at the local Hallmark store, it’s still possible to hunt for wild game in and around your own home. Hunting is about tradition. It’s about respecting your quarry because you know it put up a good fight. It’s about feeling proud to use all the deadly features the cat gods gave you. With your razor-sharp teeth, explosive speed, and stealthy ambush abilities, you are your own perfect weapon.
When it comes to what to hunt, though, the choices can seem overwhelming. Every type of animal needs to be hunted differently. If you’re going out on your first pursuit, these targets should get you started on the right foot. Good hunting!
Spiders: Hunting wild game is important because as cats, we have a responsibility to maintain nature’s balance. Spiders upset that balance by hunting the same things we do, causing prey populations to drop out of our favor. For that reason, it’s necessary to take down these rivals so our future kills don’t end up in their sticky traps. Don’t try to imitate their hunting style, though. Your poo doesn’t make a web nearly as well as the stuff that comes out of a spider. The ground game is where you make your move. Stalk corners of your house—that’s where they tend to land after unhooking their invisible bungee cords. When pouncing, aim for the body. Too many otherwise fine hunting cats have nabbed a spider by one of its legs, only to see the arachnid escape using its other seven.
Bumblebees: Bumblebee season runs May through August. You should find some good hunting spots in and around the flower garden. It’s a dangerous pursuit, to be sure, but that’s part of the excitement. Going toe-to-toe with a species that has a built-in dagger offers a unique challenge for even the most skilled hunter. If you’re up for getting a little dirty, construct a bee-blind by covering yourself in dirt beside some blooming sunflowers. When a bumblebee settles down to pollinate, burst out of the ground and take the fat buzzer down!
Fruit Flies: Fruit flies are small game that are a hoot to hunt. Since they are harmless and not too bright, they’re also a great starter bug for your kittens. All it takes to get a swarm of these little ding-a-lings to show up is a piece of gross, mushy banana bait. Don’t pounce when the first few appear. Instead, be patient and get up to high ground, like the top of a spice rack. The general rule is to wait until between fifteen and four hundred descend upon the fruit before dive-bombing the whole lot of them. Pin down as many as you can, but don’t fret if a few get away. The survivors will just breed another swarm for you to hunt.
Mice: Despite what you may have heard, mice aren’t usually blind, so you’ve got to trick one of these sly rodents into thinking it’s safe to emerge from whatever wall it inhabits. To bag a big eight-whisker buck, stick to a corner of the room and don’t move one bit. Good mousers have to stay absolutely still. Don’t blink your eyes, don’t flick your tail, don’t wiggle your whiskers. Blend into your environment—really become a bump on the carpet. When the mouse appears, wait until it clears the wall, then swoop in for the kill. There are many ways to attack, but the one popularized by Towser, who holds the world record, with 28,999 kills, is to pin the mouse down and then slap slap slap slap slap!
Towser—The Greatest Mouser on Earth
Ants: Like fruit flies, ants tend to congregate around exposed food, but the difference is, these guys go for the food you’re actually interested in, and they have the freakish strength to carry it away! Forget the spirit of the hunt and just decimate the herd. Don’t be shy when it comes to the number you take down. It’s either them or your food. Make a choice, kitties. If you see one of them carrying off a wounded comrade, show no mercy. This is a battle for chow we’re talking about.
Birds: Birding is probably the roughest type of hunting, but there’s nothing quite like showing flying creatures that even though we may be land-dwellers, cats rule the sky. A bird-free backyard has many advantages. Not only will your person stop wasting money on feeders and birdhouses—money that, by right, should be spent on food for you—but also your sleep will no longer be interrupted by insufferable tweets and chirps. With birding, you have to trust your natural feather radar. When your teeth start to chatter, you’ll know a bird is within range. Either streak up a tree and snatch a bird fresh from the nest, or make the target come
to you by setting up a trap in a window. Drop some seed on a sill and lift the pane so it thinks it’s getting a free meal. When the bird is within a few feet, drop the window and brace yourself for an awesome crash!
Seventeen-Year Locusts: The scarcity of the seventeen-year locust makes it a highly sought-after prize for any wild game hunter. Also, they screech like the dickens and killing them is the only way anybody has figured out how to shut them up. Make sure to respect the four-locust limit so that future generations can experience the thrill of this rare hunt. If you should ever get the chance to eat this yummy quarry, we highly recommend that you consume it right after the kill. The locust’s natural juices will rush out and you’ll know instantly why some hunters spend their whole lives on the trail of these bugs.
Kitty Litter, Explained
From the moment you saw that box its purpose was clear. You hopped in, did your business, and buried the result.
Why is that? How come we know exactly where to go to the bathroom? Here’s where you’ll find the answers to that and other questions.
Q: Where does kitty litter come from?
A: That’s an easy one. It comes from places like this:
Q: What is it made of?
A: Composition can vary from simple clay for conventional litter to clumping litter, which is often calcium bentonite fused with quartz or diatomaceous earth.
Q: Why do I bury my business with it?
A: That is due to residual instincts from your wild, feral ancestors who had to be extremely conscious and careful about predators. They were constantly in danger of being attacked and took precautions to ensure the scent of their waste did not give away their location. By burying the waste they increased the chance of remaining undetected. You are simply emulating the same process, and simultaneously having a little fun by kicking stuff all over the place.
Q: How come sometimes I like to really jet out of there when finished?
A: Again, residual instinct. Your ancestors were most vulnerable when going to the bathroom and didn’t like to dally after finishing—that would have given predators more time to find them. They took off running like their life depended on it, which it sometimes did. You don’t have the same concerns, but why hang around in that dingy box when there’s better stuff to do upstairs?
Q: When should I start acting up to get the litter changed?
A: Some cats simply can’t stand to use a litter box that isn’t cleaned daily. If that describes you, then protest by going in other places. The downside to this approach is that going outside the box takes the burying out of it and can make your person really mad. Other cats don’t care much and will climb a mountain of old litter if necessary. Ultimately this question boils down to a matter of personal preference; it’s totally up to you.
Q: Which kitty litter smells the best?
A: That stuff that smells like pine, it’s no contest.
Q: Why do humans seem annoyed when you jump in the litter right after they’ve scooped it?
A: Humans are selfish. They have a great time playing in the litter and then expect you not to use it as intended. You’d think they’d have better things to do and better places to do it than where you go to the bathroom.
Q: Is it true that when humans flush cat litter down the toilet the possibility exists that a parasite, Toxoplasma gondii, could be present in our feces, survive conventional sewage treatment, and make it out to sea, causing fatal infections in marine mammals such as whales, porpoises, and sea otters?
A: Not our problem, but yes.
Q: Are there cats who don’t use litter and actually go where humans go?
A: Yes. There are cats who will, over time, submit to using a human-style toilet.
Q: Are they for real?
A: They are highly regarded by humans, who fancy them as a more highly evolved feline. However, no, these cats are not for real, they’re tools.
Q: Is it acceptable to track litter around where you live?
A: Sure. You may want to minimize that, though, by jumping on your person’s bed for a nap after being in the litter box. That way you’re not depositing it in so many different places.
About the only thing we haven’t touched on is what our people do with the litter they put in little baggies that come from the grocery store. The answer is that most of the estimated two million tons, or approximately 100,000 truckloads, will end up in a landfill. This is too bad, because there is such a thing as biodegradable litter. It is a little more expensive but lasts longer and doesn’t require as much to do the job. Don’t count on them changing over anytime soon, though. Like us, humans don’t give a lot of thought to waste disposal. It’s just easier to bury the stuff and forget about it.
For Black Cats—Making the Most of Superstition
What is it about humans and superstitions? They toss perfectly good salt over their shoulders, eschew the quickest path if it goes under a ladder, and descend into full-on panic after breaking a mirror. When it comes to black cats, humans the world over have no end to their silly hang-ups. Some revere black cats as a symbol of fortune and health, others fear black cats as a symbol of evil and death. Trek through the streets of India and passersby might sooner dash into a cobra-filled alley than cross your path; but take a tour of the Scottish Highlands and locals might want to snatch you up and put you on their porches for good luck.
All of this nonsense has been going on for a long time. A black cat in the American colonies during the seventeenth century had to constantly run for her life, especially if her person wore a pointy black hat and had warts on her nose. On the other hand, a jet-black kitty chilling out in a cabaret in nineteenth-century Paris was the coolest bohemian on the block.
Humans don’t seem to realize that black cats are no different than regular cats, so sassy sables out there might as well take advantage of their unique pigmentation.
Clear the Streets! In many Western countries, people have a neurotic compulsion to steer clear of coal-colored cats. This behavior is obviously ridiculous, but rather than be offended by it, instead learn to harness your power over these ’fraidy humans. When strolling outside, run full speed and cut back and forth so fast that no matter where the humans are, none of them feel safe from your “black magic.” Use this tactic at malls, amusement parks, big city sidewalks, or wherever you think a path is too crowded for your liking. This trick works especially well around Halloween, when little humans clog the streets looking for free candy. Besides the sheer joy of watching humans scramble out of your way, it’s really nice not to go through the hassle of finding a costume.
Get a Change of Scenery Some Europeans, especially Germans and Italians, hold the belief that a black cat on a bed means impending death for the human who sleeps in it. This belief is, of course, pure poppycock, but if you’ve been hoping to play with that big green Pilates ball over at your person’s best friend’s place, your black fur could be the key. Just hop up on your person’s mattress and stare for a good long while. Pretty soon she’ll start freaking out and getting her final affairs in order, which includes giving you to her best friend. Don’t worry about becoming homesick. It shouldn’t take too long for your person to realize she’s completely fine, and once she does, you’ll be welcomed back with open arms. The timing should work out well, since you’ll probably puncture the exercise ball right away and realize that was pretty much the only fun thing in the house.
Get a Free Cruise Seafarers have long believed that having a black cat on board a ship brings calm seas and fair winds. Haven’t these sailors ever heard of tracking nimbostratus and cumulonimbus clouds? Apparently not, but as long as they insist upon using black cats as their lucky meteorologists, you might as well snag a free trip to the Caribbean out of it. According to captains’ lore, all you have to do to be taken aboard is run in front of a sailor as he makes his way down a dock. Don’t worry about walking the plank if your ship is overtaken by pirates. Throwing a cat overboard is considered a major violation of maritime conduct and is
said to cause fierce storms and choppy seas.
Earn Great Riches and Eat Well! The Chinese have varying views on the meaning of black cats. Some believe they are symbols of coming poverty, while others see them as signs of imminent financial prosperity. If you live indoors, it’s a safe bet your person thinks you’re of the prosperous ilk, and therefore you can use the superstition to your benefit. Let’s say your person plays the Hang Seng Index in Hong Kong. Just scratch the stock symbol of a favorite food company in the morning paper and start meowing. A chain of economic events will soon follow. Your person buys up shares of the company, the stock skyrockets, and soon servings of Duck à l’Orange from the food producer’s new gourmet line are filling your bowl.
Ruin a Sports Franchise Nothing is quite as frustrating as a human who isn’t focused on petting you because he’s glued to a stupid televised sporting event. Even sitting in his lap is maddening because of all the springing up to cheer or scream. Black cats can help us all out by doing what one enterprising noir feline did in 1969 during a Cubs–Mets game at Shea Stadium. The black cat bolted out onto the field and walked ominously around Cubs infielder Ron Santo. Next thing you know, the Cubs blew an eight-game lead in the play-off hunt, and Chicago-area cats finally got the attention they deserved from humans no longer occupied with watching baseball.