by Ella Edon
"And you listen to her," Alex announced. "You see, Stefan, she's a good lady. And she seems to like you very much. Genuinely. In spite of all the rumors that go around."
He glared at her. For her age, Alex knew too much and said too much. And worse was that she was dauntless, unafraid of what anyone thought about what she wanted to say. "And how would you know the rumors?"
"I hear things. The servants are always gossiping. Speaking in hushed tones. The walls have ears." She kicked a pebble and grinned up at him. "I'd like it if you and Lady Esther were to wed. She's changed you, too. It seems you began to pay more attention to us and even listen more to us after you began courting her. Even Mama listens to her. She no longer simply demands of us. She listens to us too and that is the greatest thing. Maybe, as Mama likes to say, Lady Esther is the miracle that happened to you."
Her words hit home. He was left star-struck at her revelation. Was it true that he started listening to his siblings more because of Esther? Did he start paying more attention? Had she done anything? He stopped walking for a second. "So, I never really listened to you before her?"
Alex stopped and turned to him. "Oh no, you did. But — you spent too much time outside and staying out late. I don't know, but it felt like you detached yourself from us a little, because of Agnes. After Lady Esther, you stayed home more."
He clenched his jaws when he heard her name. Agnes. He walked on. "I see."
"You should also open up to Lady Esther. Agnes wasn’t just anyone," Alex murmured.
He clenched his jaws and said nothing. Maybe not everyone would end up like Agnes, but surely there was pain in love. And it was that realization that scared him. That he would ever feel pain for someone, pain that was unbearable. Especially, most importantly, when what one felt was unrequited, unnoticed, and unintentional. If Esther was the miracle that happened to him, why then did he feel his heart clench knowing full well that he was working to make her happy? The horses neighed as they neared, and their cries sounded like the pain in his aching heart.
Chapter Twenty-One
The Dowager Duchess was never one to brag. Many a time, when in the midst of other wealthy widows, all she did was laugh, shrug, and nod. However, Esther never knew that her “future” mother-in-law threw balls to perfection. With brightly lit rooms, decorations, footmen at all corners, and good Scottish whiskey.
"Hmm." Lord Melbourne nodded beside her, his eyes on his glass of wine. "This scotch is great." He spoke as though he read her mind.
Esther stood at the center of the room, in a terracotta colored dress with dazzling stones that glittered under the light. She had never been so sure of how beautiful she looked. And not with everyone turning at some point to stare at her. She had arrived earlier. But she hadn't seen Stefan yet. She wanted to see him. He had come to visit her at the orphanage the day prior, but he left quite early, claiming he wanted to help his mother with preparations for the ball.
"Lady Esther!" She twirled, and behind her stood Katherine and Lord Bowmount. Lord Bowmount looked dashing in a black coat and cream-colored breeches. She embraced Katherine in a tight hug and giggled when she let go.
"You look amazing." And just so she could emphasize, just like her mother always did, she touched Katherine on her shoulder and grinned. "Sheen Darling, you look sheen."
Katherine knew fully well what she was doing and laughed boisterously, attracting heads. While Katherine stared squarely at those who turned to stare at her, Esther shielded her face with her fan, flustered.
Lord Bowmount chuckled and inclined his head towards her. "Lady Esther."
"Lord Bowmount, how do you do? I haven't seen you in a long time."
He shrugged. "Perhaps because I haven't been attending so many balls."
"I see." She nodded. She was about to keep the conversation going when she saw him. Standing by the door, murmuring to Alfred in his usual manner, brows creased, index finger stretched out for emphasis, and a subtle roll of his eyes. She noticed all those things and most of all, he wore a dark terracotta colored coat. She nearly choked at the coincidence.
Her cheeks heated up, and her neck became hot. She wondered if he would see her when he turned. She wanted him to see her.
"Esther." Katherine nudged her. She blinked and responded. Katherine stared at her strangely. "Are you alright?"
"Splendid," she said quickly, smiling. "I'm fine."
"You look a bit...pale."
"She looks just fine, Katherine. Come on, let's leave her to it. We have to greet Lord Kirk."
Katherine looked confused for a moment, but when she looked behind Esther, she nodded as though she understood. Esther was confused as to what was going on, but she was unconcerned because at the moment when Katherine was about to walk around her, she locked gazes with Stefan. He smiled instantly, and her feet started walking on their own.
"Excuse me," she murmured and walked towards Stefan, who was also walking towards her.
They both stopped midway. She curtsied while he inclined his head.
"Lady Esther."
"Your Grace." They both spoke at once. It made them laugh. She liked that they were talking. She liked that he was close by. He looked dashing.
Esther rushed to speak first. "It seems we have fine taste."
"You look beguiling. You don't mind me stealing your first dance, do you?" His eyes raked over her, with a smile on his face. He seemed pleased that she was speaking to him, as well.
Esther smirked. "The ball has only just begun. It's not the time for that yet." She, however, wondered what it would feel like, dancing with him tonight. She wanted to. Esther shook her head, wondering why such thoughts were clouding her.
"I know." He hummed. A footman walked past them then, and Stefan took two glasses of wine. He handed one to Esther and held one for himself.
Esther eyed the glass. "I don't really like wine."
"I know. Which is why I chose the smaller one for you." He nodded.
Esther glanced at contents of the glass. It was indeed only a little. Stefan grinned when she looked up at him. She raised her brows. "How did you know I drink only a little?"
He smiled warmly and sipped from his bottle. "I observe."
"You observe? I'd like to think that you watch me a little too much, do you not think so, Your Grace?" Her heartbeat quickened, and she said those words. She liked to think that he watched her.
Stefan didn't find what she said entertaining. She knew that if he had, he would have laughed and replied just in the same tone. He, however, didn't. Instead, he stared at her, his blue eyes intense against hers, and she struggled to breathe properly. "I don't watch you, Lady Esther. I study you. I'd like to think those are different."
"Different? How so?"
He shrugged and looked away, clenching his jaws. "One is more intense than the other."
"Which?" she prodded, feeling flustered. "Which is more intense, Stefan?"
He gazed at her, downed his drink and didn't take his eyes off her. There was something about his silence, something about his eyes — the way they stared at her. It made her feel like she was the only one he was looking at. Her cheeks heated up at that thought. And when he finally spoke, it was as though he drew breath from her. As though she yearned to hear his reply.
"Which do you think is more intense, Esther? Tell me."
She watched him silently, feeling the need to respond, to say something intelligible. Something that would knock him off his feet just like his words seemed to be pulling at the air meant for her. Unknowingly, she found herself whispering his name. "Stefan."
His clouded eyes didn't leave hers as he responded with her name as well. "Esther."
"What —"
"Oh, there you are, darling." Her mother's voice broke whatever spell surrounded them. Her breath came back. She looked around. The chattering went on, everything was normal. She could hear people speaking, but she hadn't heard them before. She hadn't noticed them. And to think that she was about to ask Stefa
n what was going on.
Glad to escape him for a moment, she turned to her mother immediately. Lady Kendal was walking towards her, smiling. Esther looked down at her hand. Her glass of wine was still there. She downed it at once and turned to look behind her. Stefan stood there, blinking and she handed him her glass. "Would you mind?"
He stared up at her, dazed for a second then nodded uncertainly. "Of course not." He took the glass from her and walked away. Her mother approached her then and pulled her in for a hug.
"Darling." She kissed both her cheeks and looked up. "Where is His Grace off to?"
"To refill our wine glasses, I presume."
Her mother touched her shoulders. "Your eyes are glowing. Oh, dear, the Duke does make you happy. I feel he'll be better than Lord Milway. If he can make your eyes glow, then I'd say he's the one."
Esther looked away and shook her head. "Where is Papa?"
"You know your papa doesn't like balls. He isn't coming." Lady Kendal looked around. When her eyes caught with someone behind, she waved her hands subtly. "Oh, there's Lady Sutherland. Do you know her? She’s French. She has only just arrived, and she's loved by many. Come, darling, you should meet her."
Her mother pulled her towards the blonde lady whose smile never left her lips even when Lady Alastair snapped at her.
* * *
Esther managed to escape her mother. She found herself back to where she had been talking with Stefan. But he was no longer there. In fact, he was no longer in the ballroom. Anne had also not come. She was left to speak casually with people whom she wasn't so well acquainted with.
She was in a small circle, talking with Lady Sutherland, her husband Lord Sutherland and Lady Bagsaw. They shared a joke she wasn't so interested in.
"Stefan and I used to be so close. I believe we still are." He chuckled. His wife joined in before saying something in French. Lord Sutherland replied in French as well before turning back to her. "He has taken an interest in you, Lady Esther."
Lady Sutherland, like her mother, liked to touch one's shoulders, so she touched Esther's shoulders multiple times as she spoke.
"How did it all happen, Lady Esther? I hear it was at the orphanage. The Duke of York said he met you at the orphanage." Lady Bagsaw giggled. "You're so lucky. To have a duke court you. Even after the scandal with Lord Milway."
"I never knew a simple call off was a scandal, Lady Bagsaw, please enlighten me," She snapped. Her anger had risen at Lady Bagsaw's words. How dare she say it was a scandal?
Lady Bagsaw seemed stunned, but her reply was just as sharp. "Well, it was rumored that you were not a good companion to talk to. And perhaps the reason why all was called off and unexpectedly was that you might not be a good wife. Even if your families did plan this for years!"
Lady Sutherland gasped. Lord Fitzgerald seemed angered on her behalf, for he addressed Lady Bagsaw. "It's rude to say such words."
"What I hear is what I shall say," Lady Bagsaw huffed and patted her red hair bundled up in a chignon.
"Perhaps you should leave. The lady was fine alone with us. Before you came to spit harsh words. We do not talk rudely to other people in France. And you are no friend." Lady Sutherland struggled with her English, her words stumbling in a fine French accent. Lady Bagsaw huffed, raised her fan and walked away.
Esther was stunned, fuming. Lord Sutherland apologized for something he had no hand in. Henriette rubbed her shoulders, and she was about to say 'thank you' when she was interrupted.
"Lady Esther Bowen of Kendal."
She stilled at the sound of his voice. And very slowly, she turned. Nicholas stood there, his smile warm, his eyes dim and his coat dark, perhaps too simple for such a ball. As though he hadn't planned to come.
"Lord Milway," she whispered.
He smiled. "It's so lovely to see you. Would you like to dance?" He bowed.
"Dance?" She raised her shoulders and shrugged. "I'm afraid I may wait till the next one."
Nicholas' smile didn't fade easily. He seemed even more determined. "Then perhaps we'd both wait till the next dance, together."
“But there are a lot of other people you could dance with." Esther raised her fan and moved it slowly. Nicholas grinned and placed both his hands behind him before replying.
"I'd rather I had my first dance tonight with you, My Lady."
Esther sighed as though she was bored. She wanted to dance with him. This was what it was all about, wasn't it? Getting him back. Perhaps if she pushed him away for too long, it might be too late to salvage what they had. She agreed with herself that if he asked her again, she would agree.
He, however, didn't ask her soon. He rather asked her about the orphanage and her week and her day.
"It's amazing what you're doing. Caring for those children as you do." He smiled.
"Thank you. The Duke of York said the same thing." She shook her head. "However, it's not just me. There's Lady Kinross, as well. Funny how His Grace mentioned my good work and never gave himself some credit for what he has done as well."
Nicholas was quiet after that. Esther's eyes widened when she realized what she had done. Perhaps it was a bad idea to mention Stefan the way she did.
"And how are you?"
"I have been well. Oh look, the next dance is about to begin. Would you like to have this dance then, Lady Esther?" He stood before her and bowed.
She looked into his eyes before she responded. They were green. With one nod and curtsy, she slipped her hands into his. "Of course, I'd love to."
His hands were cold against hers, and it felt strange, the feeling of her hand in his, as it had been years since she'd held him. There was no comfort, no warmth. Wasn't this what she wanted? For him to chase after her again? Now he was doing that, and she wasn't so sure of what she wanted. She gazed up at him, as though to search for an answer in his eyes. He smiled down at her, and his green eyes twinkled. She forced a smile, feeling a knot in her stomach. She wished his eyes were blue.
* * *
"Does it make sense? That I had come running to the ball because I knew you'd be here? And surprising as well was that I even received an invitation. I have never been to Sands Castle."
Those were words she'd yearned to hear for a very long time, but hearing them now felt distant. Strange, as though they were not right. She forced a smile. She didn't reply at once, but closed her eyes and breathed in a few times. She had to try with Nicholas. It was what she had wanted, right?
They were dancing. His hand was on her waist and the other, placed against her palm. He moved slowly, in accordance with the music that blessed the room and willed them to move.
"There's a first time for everything. Sands Castle is beautiful."
"You look beautiful, Esther," he spoke.
"You are quite dashing yourself." She almost winced as the word stumbled out. He looked rather stressed, and all she wanted was for him to be alright. But she needed this, the closeness, the conversation, so she could build everything they had again. It was her chance, and she needed to make good use of it. "I haven't seen you wear black in a long time."
Nicholas chuckled. "You haven't seen me in a long time."
"Well, I'm glad that I see you now. I wouldn't look so sheen without knowing full well that I would be seeing you," she blurted. She closed her eyes and bent her head a bit. Perhaps that was too much? Too rushed. She looked up and forced a smile.
Nicholas creased his brows at her words. Her heart pounded, and she waited to see if he knew, that she was obviously flirting; if he would follow, fall in line. Stefan always understood, and he always fell in line. She blushed as she thought of their previous conversation.
"Esther, you — you seem different."
"Is that your way of saying I'm beautiful?" She smirked.
Nicholas ridged his brows again, but he laughed. "I already said that. And yes, you do. But, that's not what I mean. I mean, you speak differently. You seem more outspoken."
He moved away from her and let her t
wirl, only the tip of their fingers touching. When she was backing against him, she was smiling.
"Is that a good thing?"
"It is a new thing, Esther. A sudden change. And I'm not sure..." Her smile fell. He rushed to add, "But it's nice. Enchanting, I guess. It's just new, and this is not how I used to know you."
"Oh, I understand," she murmured quietly. It felt strange talking to him, making jokes randomly and trying to flirt.
She had only done those things with Stefan, and with him, it had felt comfortable. But with Nicholas, it was peculiar. It didn't sit well. Talking to him was like forcing a horse to drink water at the river. It was strained, left with too many silent struggles, unsettling feelings, and put a knot in her stomach. Why did it all seem so strange? It didn't make any sense that this was what she had wanted for a long time, and when it was finally happening, she perhaps wished it wasn't happening at all.