by Ella Edon
Lady Kendal was reluctant, but Esther pleaded with her some more. Finally, she shook her head sideways, huffing before storming out. Esther shut the door behind her. She turned to the woman, then sat down and smiled. "How may I help you?"
The woman scoffed. "Tis you who needs the help and I have only come to help you."
Esther raised a brow. "I beg your pardon?"
"Do you not know who I am?" the woman snapped. "Or is your memory playing tricks on you? Do you seriously not remember me?"
Esther shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry if it seems rude that I do not recall you. But —"
She rose, her hands on her hips, and tugged at her hair until it fell all over her face. She looked more familiar with her hair down and her hands on her hips like that. She looked like someone she had met in passing. And then, slowly, Esther recalled.
Her mien changed, her body stiffened, and memories flooded in like a pool of water.
"You!"
The woman's eyes glinted with mischief. "And finally, the lady remembers me."
Esther clenched her jaw. "What are you doing here? Why is it that you have come to see me?"
"I want you to stay away from Lord Milway. End your courtship with him," she snapped.
Esther's body stiffened. It was this woman whom Esther had caught in a passionate embrace Nicholas at Anne's wedding ball. And it was she who triggered the very end of her relationship with him. Her actions with Nicholas had ruined everything and now she was before Esther, making demands.
Filled with anger, Esther snapped. "And who do you think you are, coming into my home and making such ludicrous demands?"
"Believe me, I am not here to argue with you." The woman clenched her jaw. "But if you believe that what is right should be done, then you will stop the courtship with Nicholas, and every thought of wedding him."
"Such insolence! How dare you?"
"I am with child," the woman said in exasperation. Her strong demeanor was fading. "I'm pregnant with Nicholas's child."
Esther felt her breath clutch. She couldn't believe her ears. She struggled to hold herself still. This was it, she thought. This was the sign she had desperately begged for. This was the sign she needed to be sure of her decision, and this time, there was no choice to make. The right decision was suddenly facing her.
"Have you told Lord Milway?"
"No. I've been afraid to speak. I was afraid that he wouldn't believe me. While wrapped around your fingers, all he sees is you. I was heartbroken when he brutally announced that what we would lead nowhere. I had eventually come to term with that reality. But on realizing that I am with child, everything started to change. No matter how furious I am at Nicholas for leaving me, I do not want to raise this child alone. In shame, hiding, living in disappointment. And I shall be no mistress. For this babe, I am willing to make sacrifices. As the lady that you are, I was hoping you would understand more. Nicholas is the father of my babe." She rubbed her stomach. "And I intend that we be wed."
Esther stared at her. She looked disheveled, unlike when she had initially seen her at the ball. She had been pretty then, beautiful even. With a fire that was quite obvious even in her hair. But now she looked broken, as though still trying to pick up her pieces. Esther stared at her long and hard before she finally asked. "How long have you known?"
The woman shrunk. "A few weeks now."
Esther couldn't imagine what she must have gone through in those weeks, knowing full well that the father of her child had intentions towards another. Her strong bearing vanished and left standing before her was a woman who had beaten herself up with regret and confusion for quite a while before gathering her wits and seeking a solution to her problem. Before her tears fell, Esther wrapped her arms around the lady to comfort her. Perhaps Stefan was right. Sometimes, love did bring more pain than happiness.
Chapter Thirty
He was wounded by the news spreading amongst the ton like wildfire. Certainly, Esther did not love Lord Milway that much, such as to finally decide to wed him. He would have none of it. None of it at all. He needed to see her, urgently. He didn't care how or when, but he wanted so badly to see her.
He had sent Alfred to deliver a letter discreetly to Esther, but he was yet to see a response. He hoped that no one, but Esther saw the contents of the letter. For fear that it may be found, he had not placed his own seal on it, but he had strictly stated that it must be delivered to her, and her alone. He didn't care how Alfred did it, all he wanted was for her parents or anyone of great threat to not know he had sent a letter.
Alfred had returned nearly twelve hours ago, and he had been positive. "I have done as you requested, Your Grace. The lady has received the letter."
If Esther had seen his letter, why was there no response from her? He threw the quill he used in writing away, so it fell on the floor by his boot. She needed to respond. Surely, she didn't intend to wed that wretched gentleman. Surely, she would not make that mistake.
He rose from his seat restlessly, just at the same time a knock came on the study door. He muttered response again and tried to calm himself. Alfred poked his head in and announced. "Lord Sutherland —"
"Let him in." Stefan sat down with a huff. Eugene pushed open the door and walked in, a grin on his face.
"Stefan," the tall man said, with a slight grin.
"Eugene."
"Your mother says you've locked yourself up in here for a whole day."
"She sent you here?" Stefan muttered dryly.
"She worries that you have lost your mind. And clearly, she's a tad bit right. You look so...stressed. Is there any problem?" Eugene's gaze was now filled with worry. He took a seat opposite Stefan and settled into it, waiting to hear what he had to say.
Stefan let a long breath. "Lord Milway has asked Esther’s hand in marriage."
Eugene raised a brow. Then he broke into a grin. "That's great news. She must be thrilled. It seems her dream —"
"You bring more pain to my ears, Eugene." Stefan scowled. How could he say that it was good news? Esther was his...she was not allowed to be wed to another. Why would she agree to such an outrageous idea such as spending the rest of her life with Lord Milway after everything that happened between them? What about him?
"You said you only pitied her. She reminded you of Agnes, and so you helped her. Why then are you so...?" Eugene's eyes lit up brightly. One would think he'd won a wager with the way his eyes danced. "Unless, my old friend, you are jealous."
Stefan said nothing but maintained his scowl. Eugene burst into laughter not long after, his eyes wide. "You are indeed jealous, Your Grace."
The way he said 'Grace' seemed like a mocking effort at pronouncing it. Stefan rose to his feet and began pacing the room. "I sent word to her, and she has yet to respond."
Eugene's humor died, and he shook his head. "You hurt the lady, Stefan. You hurt her. You said you pitied her. You pushed her away. If you want her back, it takes more than just a note. It takes your effort and your time. You would have to fight for her. Simply demanding of her will lead you nowhere. Fix the damage you have done before asking of her to not accept Lord Milway’s proposal."
Stefan pulled a hand through his hair and groaned. "I have never felt this way, Eugene."
The feeling was maddening. He was restless. He felt as though his heart was about to fly out of his chest. He felt like he was losing something. He wanted her, wanted to touch her, to kiss her, and to whisper over and over again that he was sorry for hurting her, for not admitting that he wanted more, that she meant so much to him.
His heartbeat slowed as he stared at his friend. It finally dawned on him, what he had been avoiding all these years came to him. He couldn't be like Agnes, he couldn't let love hurt him. All the days he spent, pretending to be alright, when his feelings were all undeniably real. He was not alright. Without her in his life, he was going to be a miserable wreck.
"What is it?" Eugene questioned, worry marring his features.
Stefan shook his head, pulled his hands through his face for a while before finally saying, "I love her. I love Esther."
And as he said the words out loud, they sounded real. But instead of Eugene, he wished she was standing before him, so she could hear him say it. He needed to see her, and it was urgent. He didn't care how, but he would see her. He looked around helplessly. Then he remembered that she frequented the orphanage. His eyes brightened. He would see her.
* * *
But for a distant sound, the orphanage was quiet when he stepped inside. The children's voices seemed to be distant from where he stood by the entrance door. He shut the door behind him and made his way towards the large room where they usually gathered. As he neared the door, he heard a low voice, almost a whisper. His heart pounded against his chest. He knew that voice, even disguised, he knew that voice too well.
Esther was present and she was reading to the children. He touched the door, his hands hovering on it. Slowly, he pushed it open and stepped in. It had been a few days, perhaps weeks, he wasn't sure how long he had been away. He hadn't been dwelling on the days. It was then it dawned on him that away from her he had simply been existing and not really living.
A chorused gasp that came in bits jolted him awake from his thoughts. He looked up to find everyone in the room, staring at him in shock. His eyes moved rapidly, landing on the brown-haired woman who sat on a small stool, a book in her hand and her lips parted in slight perplexity.
"Your Grace!" Evangeline, one of the children, giggled loudly and threw her little arms around his thighs, pulling him close. The children rose and began to walk to him hurriedly, all at once, wanting to have him hold them.
A series of 'Your Grace' accompanied with “we've prayed for so long that you come to visit us again”. “What happened? Did you get lost in the sea?” All drowned his thoughts, and he was struggling to respond to one person at a time. He chuckled, looking at everyone. He wondered what it would be like to have children of his own. Would they question him like this? Would they tug at his coat and miss him? Would they amaze him?
His gaze flickered to Esther. She was no longer staring at him. She had risen from her position and handed the book to Lady Kinross, who was eyeing at him strangely. Esther walked by him to get to the exit and before he could call out to her, she walked out of the room and shut the door behind her. Stefan stared down at the children that crowded him. Very quickly and gently, he tried to untangle himself from them but was failing miserably. Lady Kinross swooped in to save him as she called the children’s attention back to something else.
"Come now, sit, let His Grace have a little space before he speaks to you lot." He barely listened to her. He pulled open the door and ran out of the room. He ran down the hallway, his eyes darting everywhere. Then his eyes landed on the slightly opened entrance door. He ran towards it, yanked it open and ran outside.
He saw her then, standing by a horse and untying its reins.
"Esther!" he yelled and ran to her.
She froze but did not move. He approached her with his breathing rough. "Esther, Esther, can you spare me a moment of your time?"
Squaring her shoulders, she turned to him. Her eyes were cold. "Your Grace. I'm afraid not. I have a couple of —"
"Please." He sighed. "Do not do this. I beg you."
"I wonder what it is I'm doing. I'm simply —"
"Did you get my letter?"
She touched the sides of her skirt and nodded. "I did. An unsealed letter from the Duke."
"You didn't respond. Esther, I needed to see you urgently. We need to talk."
Her lips lifted in a humorless smile. "Why would the Duke want to see me? I'm simply one whom he took pity on, one whom he has no care for. Pray tell then why the Duke would be looking for me?"
He swallowed hard, was willing to defend his actions, but she kept on. "You told me you didn't care for me. And then I see a letter inviting me to your home? Why? Why would you invite me to your home? What would make you ask something so ludicrous of me?"
Her grey eyes glinted with fury, and her voice rose. "What do you want?"
Stefan moved close a little, his eyes clouded. "Esther, everything I said was a lie. I had uttered those words because I felt vulnerable. Because I had given you too much space in my heart. I was afraid. Scared of what I was feeling."
"And it gave you the courage to speak to me as you did. Like I mattered not, like I meant nothing. And now, just as you also feel like, you have decided to approach me because you suddenly feel you care. If this is from pity, Stefan, I do not need it."
Her eyes glistened, and he knew that moment that he had hurt her very much. He had been selfish, thinking about how he felt, how vulnerable he had been, how he could not be feeling too much for her. But he hadn't stopped to ask himself how she felt. As the realization dawned on him, he staggered back a little.
"Esther, I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you as I did," he muttered.
"But I was offended, Stefan! I was hurt. You were the one who kissed me, and all I wanted was to talk about that kiss." With a whisper, she added, "All I wanted was to relive that moment, Your Grace. But you made it perfectly clear where it is that I stand —"
"I didn't mean any of those things that I said. I was scared, afraid —"
"You said I reminded you of Agnes, your sister." A tear nearly dropped from her eyes as she muttered, "You called me weak, a path to redeeming yourself for not being there for her. And while I see no wrong in wanting to redeem yourself, you had called me someone you took pity on."
Stefan moved close, his hands reached out to touch her, but she flinched and backed away. His eyes pleaded with her. She glared at him. "Stay away, Stefan. I have moved on. And I will be no victim of this kind of rejection anymore. You're no better than Nicholas, whom you spent your time judging. He has bedded another woman, and you also took another woman to bed after you had kissed me. And your defense was that you had simply pitied me. "
Stefan narrowed his eyes. "Lord Milway bedded another? He hurt you?"
"Yes!" she snapped. "And that was the reason we had ended everything before. And you did the same thing. You took in another immediately after you kissed me. All you wanted to do was to use me."
"Esther, you mean a lot to me. I would never hurt you in that way."
She was looking at him now with her eyes cold and the sound of her voice emotionless. "Every gentleman I have cared for hurts me in the end. Perhaps love is not for me."
Stefan stilled. "You love me?"
She mounted her horse quickly in his state of shock.
He looked up at her, his eyes questioning. "Do you love me?"
"You lost the answer to that question a long time ago, Your Grace. Have a good night." She touched the horse’s sides with her heels, made a noise, and just like that she was riding away as the sun went down. He stood, watching after her, his heart beating, and his eyes clouded. He had to fight for her. He was not letting her go until they were settled and then he could tell her everything he really wanted to say. He wanted everything with her.
* * *
He wasn't sure going to the orphanage was a good idea. He didn’t even know what a good idea was anymore. He had told himself that he would prove to Esther just how much he loved her, but as he recalled her cold gaze on him, he realized that he had a long way to go.
He took a swig of the wine and placed the bottle back with a thud. He pulled his hands through his hair multiple times and hissed. He had ruined everything.
You lost the answer to that question a long time ago, Your Grace.
Had he really lost the answer? Had he really lost the answer to the question of whether or not she loved him? He knew how he felt.
He swore and rose. He loved her. After all, the clenching in his chest, the fear that he may lose her anytime. The feeling that he may not be able to live without her. It most certainly was love.
The door to his study burst open. Standing there was his mother, her eyes furious as
she gazed at him. She walked into the study without trying to disguise her disgust.
"Have you gone mad?"
"Not now, mother." He sighed.
"You have locked yourself in here for two days! All the servants are talking about is how drunk you have been. Have you gone mad? What nonsense is this?" the Dowager Duchess queried angrily. "Get up and go up to your bedchamber! I’ll have someone clean this place up!"
"Mother!"
"I said stand up, Stefan!"
"Everything is ruined!" he snapped. "I've lost her, mother! I lost her!" He rose from the seat and paced the room. His mother stood by the desk, with her face hardened with fury. "I lost her."