by Terri Lane
While worry and concern plagued her, Julia was staying afloat, at the very least. There was still hope that something good would come of her review, and she had faith that she found find her way again, in both her career, and in her personal life.
Maybe she hadn’t hurt James too badly. Maybe there was hope that, if she got her job back, things could work out between them. Maybe. She didn’t dare to hope.
Hope never got her anywhere anyway. She found this out quite starkly a few days later, when she received an update about her review case. It caused her heart to plummet. The review process was not finished and the appeal was still in progress, but the update that Julia held in her hand was not good news. Her hands trembled as she read through it over and over again.
She realized that, no one at the college was truly on her side. No one had her back, or would try to help her stay on her feet. If she had any friends, any chance, it was with the appeal committee and she prayed that they were more honorable than the bastards who were handling the first review of her case.
The following morning, after Penny had been dropped off at the bus stop, Julia decided to head out into town. She needed to clear her head and Penny’s birthday was coming up soon. She wanted to get her a book and she decided that this was a better way to spend her time, instead of moping around the house trying to avoid James, and lamenting the choices that had gotten her to this point.
She caught her own bus, in no mood to drive, and decided to search through a few little boutique bookstores, instead of the huge ones that lined the road. She wanted something unique, something special for a special little girl. No matter how dark the days got, Penny was great at lifting her mood. Even though it was just work, she had really come to care for her over the last few weeks.
She wanted to get her something she would really like, so she searched hard on every shelf, searched for the perfect book. Penny was an advanced reader, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t love the same things as most girls her age. She loved reading about adventures, fairy tales and happily ever after. She wondered about getting her a compilation, but she seemed to like longer books. After a bit of debating it with herself, she picked out a book that looked just right and tucked it under her arm.
As she walked past the Charles Dicken’s classics, she found her heart catching in her throat, squeezing in her chest, and leaving her feeling dizzy. Memories of that night flooded her and she smiled, feeling a bitter sweet pang in her chest. She cared for him, she truly did. She wished that things didn’t have to be this way, with social constraints closing in on her like they always did.
But she would be fine. She had always assured herself that she didn’t need anything, didn’t need anyone, and certainly didn’t need a relationship. Why did things have to be any different now? Why did she have to worry about what she would do about this man who had fallen into her life and who wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon (considering that she was living in his house and not the other way around)?
Yet the passages of text that he had read to her swirled around her head, overcoming her senses and making her sigh with longing. Still, one passage stayed in her mind more than the others, insisting that she hear it, think about it, ponder the words.
“External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, nor wintry weather chill him. No wind that blew was bitterer than he, no falling snow was more intent upon its purpose, no pelting rain less open to entreaty. Foul weather didn’t know where to have him. The heaviest rain, and snow, and hail, and sleet, could boast of the advantage over him in only one respect. They often ‘came down’ handsomely, and Scrooge never did.”
No, she wasn’t like that. She was only doing what she had to. She didn’t mean to hurt anybody. She hurried to the counter and paid for the book, getting it wrapped while she was there, in a pretty simple pink print. Penny tried to act tough, and Julia didn’t blame her, but she still loved the softer things and Julia was determined to help give them to her.
As she stepped out onto the sidewalk, sheltered by the little outcrop of the eaves, her phone began to ring. Fishing it out of her pocket as she stared at the rain that was pelting down, unforgiving and harsh, she held it up to her ear, “Julia speaking?”
“Julia.” It was James. His voice had a harsh quality to it, rough and choked and Julia realized with a start that he was upset. Desperately upset.
“James, what’s wrong?” All thought of wrong and right fled from her mind, the thoughts of the review, what people might think, her career. She didn’t care. James was in some sort of trouble.
“It’s Penny.” Julia’s stomach dropped, twisting into the dirt, “Penny?” Her voice was hushed, fear building in her chest.
“She’s been rushed to hospital. I just got a call from the school.” She could hear the worry bleeding from his voice and she couldn’t blame him, not even in the slightest. “They said she had a bad fall. She was asking for both of us.”
Julia felt her heart clench so tight that she couldn’t breathe. Penny, a girl she had come to care about so dearly, was hurt, who knows how badly, and needed her, wanted her. “I’ll be right there. Which hospital?”
James rattled off the details.
“Thank you.” He still sounded distressed when he turned off the phone, and Julia raced for the street, hailing a cab. She tumbled into it, giving the driver the address. In her hands, she clutched the book, all wrapped up, and prayed that it was nothing serious. People worried quickly with kids. Maybe it was nothing.
She shut her eyes and she prayed. Suddenly nothing, absolutely nothing, seemed more important than being there for James, being there for Penny. She would not let them down. She would be there, at their sides and they would get through this.
It was going to be okay. Julia’s heart was pounding as she tried to believe her own reassurances, which sounded terribly empty and flat even to her own ears. They sounded like nothing much at all, but she had to believe, had to be there. There was no choice, in her mind.
She paid the driver when he pulled up at the hospital and jumped out, racing to the front doors, where the emergency room was situated. She hurried inside, only to be met with chaos, so many people were waiting for treatment. Feeling out of place, but no less determined, she hurried to the front desk.
A frazzled looking nurse took her in, and Julia spoke before she could. “Penny Monroe. She was admitted here?”
The nurse hurriedly tapped a few buttons on the keys, “Relation to her?”
Julia’s mouth dried up, and she didn’t know how the heck she was meant to answer that one and still be admitted.
“Caregiver.” A smooth voice answered from behind her. She turned to see James standing, looking calm, unlike the panic she had heard in his voice on the phone. “James Monroe. I am her father and Julia is authorized to see her. Now.” His tone was bold, but the nurse didn’t seem to care to argue.
“This way,” she muttered, too busy to deal with them. She showed them through the door, gesturing down the small ER ward. “She’s through there.” Then she disappeared. James barely spared her a glance, racing down the hall as quickly as he could walk. She heard his voice catch and murmured words that she could not hear. She hurried after him, wanting nothing more than to be at Penny’s side with him.
When she did, she wished she hadn’t. Penny was so pale and she didn’t look lucid in the slightest. The IV line strapped to her arm hinted at drugs that were making her so sleepy, but it didn’t make Julia feel any better. Her arm was supported, bandaged, and seen to, but Julia could tell that the fall had broken it badly. The bleeding had been bad, and the bruising on her arm suggested that the bone had pushed through the skin. Julia wanted to throw up, feeling dizzy at the thought of Penny being so terribly hurt.
“Hey, sweetheart,” her voice was soft and light as she smiled sadly. “We’re here for you… The doctors are going to make it all better.”
Penny managed to nod, and Julia noticed that she was
falling further into a sleepy state. She was probably going in for surgery. James looked pale as he smoothed the hair off her forehead. “Julia and I will be right here when you wake up,” his voice was gentler than she had ever heard it. “We’ll be right here and it will be okay.”
Penny didn’t manage to nod this time, her head lolling against the pillows as she drifted into a medicated sleep. Julia moved out of the way as the doctors came around to grab her bed, beginning to wheel her away. James looked like he wanted to say something, to stop them, and, on impulse, Julia grabbed his hand and held it tightly.
He looked startled, eyes pained with worry as he stared after his little girl, but he squeezed her hand back, and didn’t move.
“She’s going to be okay,” Julia whispered, even as the words felt empty, even to herself. “It’s not a head or neck injury…she’ll be okay.”
“I know…” he huffed, still looking distressed. Julia couldn’t blame him. So she just sat with him and held his hand while they waited. It seemed like hours of just sitting, just staring, just worrying, and wondering, and not knowing.
The waiting was torture. Julia prayed that Penny would be okay.
***
The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur of waiting. Waiting and hoping. When Penny was finally released from surgery with a cast on her arm, the doctors talked to James about care, checkups, and other important information. He was nodding, taking it all in, but his eyes kept straying to his daughter, lying asleep on the bed.
She still looked pale, but her arm looked so much better, wrapped up and at the correct angle. It still made Julia feel sick to think of the pain she must have gone through. Her heart thudded in her chest as the realization hit her—she cared for Penny so much that it hurt, and if something had happened to her, she didn’t know what she would have possibly been able to do, how she would have been able to cope with a loss that would have felt crippling.
She looked at James, he was exhausted, but focused on getting the care his daughter needed and she thought that her heart was going to break. It wasn’t only Penny. The longing to be a part of James’s life was overwhelming, slamming into her at a great force. He was a wonderful man, just wonderful, and Penny was such a special little girl.
She wanted to be part of their lives. She wanted to be someone more than just the nanny. Her heart ached—it was a foolish dream. There was no way that James would put up with an advance from her after she distanced herself like she had. It had been cruel, and although she had tried to do it for the benefit of everyone, even she knew that she had been selfish and thoughtless.
But now she could not imagine being away. She didn’t want to imagine being away. She watched as the doctor and James signed release papers for when Penny woke up. There was little more they could do. Everything had gone smoothly and the hospital was overworked and understaffed. Taking her home would be the best thing for her.
When Penny woke, she was groggy and sleepy, and James smiled and helped her sit up. She wasn’t feeling any pain and the thought comforted Julia immensely. She could see the relief on James’s face as well.
He picked her up with the greatest of care and they made their way to his car. When he offered Julia a ride home, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to say yes. She sat beside him, Penny dozing in the backseat against the window, with extra space for her broken arm, without risk of it being bumped or made any worse.
The journey home was a short one, but it felt like it went on forever. The music on the radio was low and muted, the rain pounding on the windows in a dull rhythm as the window wipers flicked it away. James was focused on the road. A careful driver. He obviously didn’t want any more close calls, any problems at all that might cause Penny more discomfort.
His focus meant that they spent most of the drive in silence. Julia didn’t mind. It gave her time to think about everything that she was feeling. She wanted to be a part of their lives, but it felt hopeless. She would either be the nanny who didn’t know her place, or the housewife who had no work outside of the home.
Both ideas were depressing, but if it meant being around Penny and James, then she would make do. Her heart was heavy, but it was nothing like it had been before, when she had feared the utter worst for Penny, fearing terrible injury or death.
She could still remember the panic that had pounded in her chest as they raced towards the hospital, clutching the cab seatbelt like a life-line and wondering if she would get there on time. She glanced at James. He must have felt the same, only so, so much worse. He had already lost his wife…to lose his only child too would have been excruciating. She couldn’t imagine it. She didn’t want to imagine it.
When they pulled up in the drive way, Julia got out first, opening the door on Penny’s side, so that James could use both hands to lift her carefully, detangling her from her seatbelt. She opened the doors for him, and turned down Penny’s bed. Penny was dozy when they set her down, and she didn’t have much trouble falling into a peaceful sleep, despite her arm. It must have been such a big day for her.
Swallowing deeply, Julia stepped out into the hallway. Such a big day for such a little girl. Tears formed in her eyes and she wiped them away with a sniffle. When James left the room and shut the door behind him, he found Julia turned away, a soft sniffing sound coming from her.
“Julia…are you all right?” James murmured, moving to her side.
She wiped her eyes quickly and forced a smile. “Yes, just…worried about Penny.” She smiled again, though she knew it looked fake. “Would you like a hot drink, or something?” She shifted, glancing out the window where the sky had turned dark.
“I’d like to talk,” he murmured, taking her hand.
Heart pounding in her chest, Julia followed him through the halls, until they sat in one of the lounge rooms that seemed to litter the house, “Julia…” He looked at her with piercing eyes. “What’s going on?”
Julia thought of covering up, thought of lying, thought of saying that she was just a little tired…but she knew this was the one chance she had to really be honest with him, to have a chance at the life she really wanted. So, she took a deep breath.
“I’ve had a rough few months.”
“You have?” He looked worried. “Before you came here, you mean?”
Julia nodded. Before she could stop herself, it all came pouring out. She told him she had been living what had seemed to be the perfect life. She told him about her job at the local college, a teaching job as a professor there, how she had studied and worked long and hard to get her PHD, and it was finally paying off. She talked about how she taught education and she absolutely loved it. It was rewarding, enjoyable and engaging and she loved the campus.
She smiled as she told him that she was fortunate enough to work on several different projects with the undergrads, as well as doing her own research and how her record was perfect, not a black mark to her name and she prided herself on this, striving to achieve excellence in everything that she did.
With tears in her eyes, she told him about how a few months ago her world had come crashing down spectacularly. She assured him that it had come out of the blue, blindsiding Julia completely. She had been accused of falsifying results on one of her research projects and the college was taking it very, very seriously.
She sighed as she told him that she thought it would all be cleared up quickly, but instead, the results of the investigation left her under suspicion. Julia told him how she had appealed, this time without pay, and she was still waiting for the results.
“I had to get a job, had to survive somehow,” she sighed as she wiped her eyes and looked at James. He was looking at her with an expression of sympathy on his face.
“I’m sorry, Julia. It sounds like you’ve had a really difficult time.”
Julia shook her head. “Other people have it far worse than me.”
“You have handled it well.” He smiled, and looked at her with curiosity, quiet and intense. “Is
that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
Julia opened her mouth to protest, but he was right and they both knew it. She sighed and nodded. “Yes…I did not want any more black marks on my record.” She blushed. “I didn’t want to be the nanny who screwed her way to the job…but I love working, I don’t want to give it up.”
He nodded, relief in his eyes. “Thought you didn’t like me.” He smiled, looking at her seriously. “You’ll get your job back at the college. I believe that.”
He moved closer, pulling her against him. Julia’s breath caught, but she could not resist him. His eyes stared into hers, unending and smoldering and she felt her heart stirring in her chest. “James…”
He smirked. “If that’s all that’s been standing in the way…” And then his mouth was on hers and Julia forgot why she had ever tried to pull away. Her body trembled against his as they kissed, unending and passionate. Julia felt the heat grow between her thighs, all over again, and found that she had never really been able to kill the flames of desire in her heart that danced for him, and only him.
Love and desire surged through her and Julia found herself moving to kneel on the ground, a smile on her face. James was panting as she undid his belt, pulled down his zipper and pulled his member from the confines of his underwear.
She bit her lip, remembering the feeling of him pushing within her, the warmth and the passion that she felt while he was holding her. The shuddering bliss that overcome her so very deeply. She moaned softly and James’s eyes widened. His hand stroked her hair, and she could feel his fingers tangling through the strands as she parted her lips. Slowly, she took him into her mouth, moaning and working her tongue. She swirled her tongue around, teasing and licking and sucking.
He tasted amazing and Julia moaned again, noticing how he gasped when she did. The fingers in her hair held firmer as she began to suck and bob up and down his length. Julia was breathing quick and fast, bliss shivering through her as he braced himself, his knees going weak.