After the Pain
Page 16
“Hi peanut. I’m your Mommy.” I place a kiss on her warm cheek and immediately feel a love more intense than anything I’ve felt before in my life. Looking up at Sean, I see tears falling down his face. Of course seeing his tears makes me get emotional too. I scoot over in my bed so Sean can sit down next to us. He runs his finger down her face and then rubs her hand. She latches on to his finger and grips him. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
“She’s so tiny, but strong at the same time.”
“Can you believe we’re parents?” I ask in disbelief.
“This is all surreal. My future wife, my daughter, pretty much my whole world is sitting on this bed right now. Thank you so much, baby.”
I lean over and kiss his lips. “No, thank you. I couldn’t have any of this without you. What should we name her?” We’ve discussed names a million times, but never found a first and middle we liked together. Of course I have a spreadsheet on my laptop with all our favorites.
“How about Hope Rylan?” Sean asks.
“Seriously?” I’m shocked he would even consider incorporating Ryan’s name into our daughter’s.”
“I’ve never felt more hope than I did the day I found out you were pregnant. I knew I had to find my way back into your world and knowing you loved me enough to stay, that was all the hope I needed that we could do this forever. I also owe a lot to Ryan. He was a good friend to me, and even though he had something I desperately wanted, I never believed he was wrong for you. I’m honored to take his place.”
“But it’s not like that to me. I didn’t want to be with you by default.”
“I know, babe. What we have is as real as it gets, but he took care of you for me – until it was my time to own your heart.”
“I love you, Sean.”
“I will always love both of my girls.” Sean leans over and kisses the top of Hope’s tiny head.
“So that’s it then? We have a name?” I ask.
“Yeah. It’s perfect.” he says as he continues to look adoringly at our daughter.
The rest of the hospital stay is smooth sailing unless you count the nurse coming in to check my lady bits every two hours. That was a little much. I’m excited to get back home to settle in. The nursery is beautiful and I can’t wait to sleep in my bed again without nurses poking and prodding every hour. I won’t lie and say I have this whole mom thing down yet, either. I’m nervous leaving her side for even a minute. I showered so quickly this morning I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. Thankfully Sean noticed and I hopped back in to finish the job.
Sean pulls up to the front of the house, runs around to help me out of the car, and then carries Hope inside. On the porch there’s a beautiful flower arrangement waiting for us. Assuming our parents or Alex sent it; I pick up the vase and carry it inside. When I open the card nestled inside the flowers, I freeze when I see the familiar phrase written on the paper.
He’s Still Mine.
“Sean!” I manage to gingerly sit myself down on a chair at the kitchen table as I stare at the note.
“What is it?” he asks.
Thrusting the card at him, I push away from the table in a panic. He needs to start talking. Audrey needs to back the hell off. I was understanding once, but I’ve had more than enough of her scare tactics. Obviously the situation wasn’t under control like he thought it was. I watch him read the words, his expression once again morphing into one of anger.
“I’ll handle it.” He puts the card in his pocket.
“I thought you already did handle it. Why is she still sending shit?”
“Her mind isn’t working normally. Each time I talk to her after she does something like this, she apologizes, saying it will never happen again. This is the third time. I honestly thought it was over with after last time. She was remorseful and even started seeing another therapist. She was in a decent place.”
“Do you think she’s a danger to me or the baby?”
“Honestly, no. Something inside me just feels like she would never hurt anyone. Maybe it’s me trying to hold on to the good in her, but I just feel like every time she does this, it’s a call for help. I have zero contact with her anymore so maybe that scares her. It’s been months since the letter she left at your house though and her new therapist can’t discuss specifics with me, but says she’s a completely different person compared to when she started working with her.”
“But it’s not impossible for her to relapse.”
“No, it’s not. I’ll talk to my colleague at work so she’s up to date on everything.”
“This chick is certifiably nuts, Sean. I’m sorry you ever were involved with her.”
“You need to relax. You just got discharged from the hospital. Let’s rest while Hope is still sleeping. I’ll take care of this, I promise.”
I’ll gladly rest. I need to soak up every second of sleep I can get because nighttime is always when the baby decides to rock my world. Sean holds me, lightly tracing patterns on my back. I can tell he’s spelling out Hope with his fingertips. We both rest in silence. My mind is running a mile a minute, but exhaustion allows me to zone out. Our nap is short as we are awoken by Hope’s wail. I spring up so fast I knock Sean right off the couch.
“Sorry, babe.” I scoop Hope up and cradle her in my arms. Assuming she’s hungry I sit back down and try to nurse her. Sean peels his tired body up off the floor. Thankfully a few throw pillows broke his fall.
“Whoa. That’s going to take some time to get used to.”
“Breastfeeding?”
“Yeah. Just whipping out your tits.”
I laugh at his honesty. “I’m still getting used to this whole process too. With work I’ll have to pump and use bottles so someone else can feed her.”
“You have time to figure it all out, work can wait.”
I know he wants me to stay home with Hope fulltime. I’m not worried financially because I know he can support us on his salary, but being a nurse is part of who I am. Plus, we have a wedding to pay for. But leaving Hope won’t be easy. As our bond continues to grow, I realize I’ll never stop worrying about her. She’s my whole world now.
THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS WE are so sleep deprived I’m lucky if I know what day it is. Hope has her days and nights mixed up, so we’re living like zombies trying to get her schedule straightened out. Sean’s back at work, calling to check in on us every chance he gets. Leaving his little girl was anything but easy. As soon as he gets home, he grabs her out of my arms and she stays in his until it’s time for bed.
I asked him about the note I received with my flowers and he swears Audrey denied it — said she hasn’t even thought about Sean the way she used to. Word has it she’s even seeing someone new. She’s taking her medication as prescribed, showing up for every therapy appointment, and is back at her full time job. His gut is telling him she’s on the right track and not responsible for the note which makes absolutely no sense considering it’s the same message as the last time.
On Wednesday morning, there’s a knock at the front door. I’m always hesitant to answer when I’m home alone and not expecting any visitors. Sean installed a peep hole in the door that I’m thankful for. There’s a tall, blond woman standing on the porch looking unsure about being there. I crack the door open far enough to see her, but not far enough that she can see inside the house. I pray Hope doesn’t wake up crying.
“Can I help you?” I ask.
“I’m sorry to bother you, my name is Audrey. I think you remember who I am, Sean’s ex.”
I shouldn’t have answered the door. She looks so different without her hair bleached white and her face caked in layers of makeup. She looks sweet and slightly innocent, even if I know better than to believe that. “Yes, Sean. My fiancé.”
“I didn’t realize you were engaged. Congratulations.”
I’m not sure what type of game this woman is playing, but I want no part of it or her well wishes. “Is there something I can help you with?” I ask.
“Yet you came here today? Isn’t that crossing the line?”
“Maybe, but I needed to plead my case with you. It really wasn’t me.”
“How did you find out where I used to live all those months ago? Were you following me around?” I notice how nervous she suddenly seems as she fidgets in place, her eyes looking around in search of what I’m not sure.
“No, I wasn’t. I never once followed you. I should go though. I swear on my life I’m telling you the truth about the note,” she pleads before she scurries off to her car.
I close the door, locking it as I watch her drive away through the peep hole in the door. I take note of the make and model of her car for future reference. Quickly, I check on Hope and immediately pick up the phone to call Sean.
The phone call is short and to say Sean was upset about Audrey showing up would be putting it mildly. He still seems pretty positive she’s telling the truth though. I asked how he knew she wasn’t lying. He said she’s always been easy to read and there was no way in hell she would come to the house if she had been responsible for the latest note. He said people only get that worked up when they are wrongly accused. I’d like to believe he’s right.
Hope is just about two months old and I’m adjusting to mommy hood pretty well. I’ve gotten used to being sleep deprived, rushing through showers and eating my food cold. I will always put her needs above my own though. Sean is an adorable daddy. I love listening to him rock her after she wakes up in the middle of the night. Thankfully she’s a pretty easygoing baby, despite her screaming fits at two in the morning.
Tonight, Sean and I are going to Shorty’s to celebrate Amie’s birthday. It’s the first time I’ve been out without Hope and I’m freaking out. Sean’s parents are babysitting while we do our best to enjoy some much needed adult time. I feel naked going out without the diaper bag, car seat, and two of everything. I even put on a little black dress for the occasion. Sean hasn’t seen me in anything other than yoga pants and tank tops for the past eight weeks. The heels I’ve picked out are already killing my feet. I wish wearing slippers with a dress to a bar was acceptable. I’d be rocking my pink fuzzies.
“Wow, babe,” Sean says when he gets out of the shower. I should thank him for the compliment but I’m enjoying my own view right now. His towel is slung around his hips, taunting me. I want nothing more than to yank on the small corner holding it in place. I keep my eyes locked on his and can physically see the second he realizes my intentions.
“Hallie, what are you doing?”
“Exploring.” When I reach him, my hands untuck the corner of the towel, sending it falling to the floor. My hands start at his broad shoulders making sure to touch every single velvety inch of skin in front of me. I place my lips on his chest, sucking up the water droplets left behind. “Shit, baby. Your mouth feels incredible.”
“You taste as great as you smell.” I move my lips lower, licking my way down the hard ridges of his abdominal muscles. I feel his sharp intake of breath as his body bucks in response. Before I can go any lower, Sean reaches down and brings my lips back up to his own. His other hand is working on the zipper of my dress. Once the zipper is opened, he peels the fabric away from my shoulders, removing my arms and letting it pool around my waist. Instead of removing it, he works his hands underneath the hem, caressing my thighs. “Shit, baby. You don’t have any panties on.”
“Nope.”
“Were you planning on putting some on before we left?” he asks as his hands continue to roam over the smooth skin of my ass.
“Wasn’t planning on it.”
“So you were going to tease me all night?”
“Yeah,” I breathily reply. “I haven’t exactly been very sexy around the house lately. I wanted to spice things up a bit. We’re like an old married couple and we haven’t even gotten married yet.”
“Hallie, I’ll never stop wanting you. You just gave me our daughter. I don’t expect you to prance around the house in lingerie when you’re exhausted and recovering.
“Thank you for saying that, Sean. I just miss being with you. It’s been awhile.”
“Then what are we waiting for?” Just as he lays me down on the bed, there’s a knock at the door. “Sean, hunny. I can’t find the Desitin. Where does Hallie keep it?”
Nothing ruins a moment more than hearing your soon to be mother-in-law asking about diaper rash cream. Hope doesn’t even have a rash so I can only imagine her slathering on the cream just because she can. I better hide the tube before I leave the house tonight. Sean rests his forehead against mine and laughs. He wraps his towel around his waist before opening the drawer on the bedside table and grabbing the tube of Desitin inside. He waits until I’m out of sight before he opens the bedroom door. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Hunny, you’re going to be late. You’re not even dressed yet. Hurry up and take Hallie to her party.”
“I’m trying Mom.”
I’m just about to resume my naked perusal of his sexy body when there’s another knock at the door. “Sean.” It’s his mom again. Sean groans in annoyance and puts his towel back around his hips for the second time. Stifling a laugh, I give up on the moment and walk back into the bathroom to finish fixing my hair. I’m still laughing when Sean walks in appearing white as a ghost.
“You okay. Sean?”
“I don’t think I am.” He’s shaking his head back and forth, staring at a spot on the floor.
“What happened? Is Hope okay?” I start to panic but he quickly responds, “She’s fine,” before walking over to the sink and splashing cold water onto his face. After patting his face dry with the towel, he looks at me and finally laughs. “I just handed her a tube of lube instead of the Desitin. She couldn’t even look me in the eye when she tossed it back at me. I’m pretty sure I scarred her for the rest of her life.
“You didn’t!” I beg.
“I did.”
“Ohmigod!” How am I supposed to walk out of this house tonight let alone speak to her. I’ll never be able to look her in the eye. Instead of worrying, I just have to let laughter get me through the uncomfortable feelings I’m experiencing.
“Let me finish up here and then we can go before she runs from the house,” I tell him.
“Yeah. Okay. I’m just going to rest for a minute. I need a minute.”
When I come out of the bathroom with my hair fixed and my dress zipped up. Sean starts getting dressed with his arousal clearly fizzled. I feel bad our moment was interrupted so I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist from behind. I lay my cheek against his solid back. “Tonight, babe. I promise. You okay now?”
“I’m good.” Sean turns around and picks me up so I have to straddle his body, wrapping my legs around his waist. “Sean, you’re going to rip my dress. It’s too tight for this.” He sits me down on the edge of the dresser but keeps my legs wrapped around him. “Definitely tonight, Hallie. God, your lips look sexy in red.” He kisses me hard and passionately. “I’m only stopping this kiss so we can leave. I want to toss you back on the bed so bad.” Sean gives me one last kiss before I slide off the dresser completely dazed and needy for more.
It takes me another fifteen minutes to leave Hope after we reluctantly leave our bedroom. I have lists all over the place for her feeding times, favorite things, schedule and routine. Sean reminds me she’s only two months old and will be sleeping and pooping the whole time regardless of what the list says. Men!
I’m forced out the front door after one final smooch to my little angel’s cheek. Once inside Sean’s truck I exhale. I can do this. We’ll have a great time. “Hope will be fine, babe,” Sean assures.
His parents raised him without screwing him up so he’s probably right. They can handle a baby again. If only I could turn off my momm
y brain. “Wait, we forgot to tell them she doesn’t like that damn squeaky duck during bath time. It makes her cry. Turn around.”
Sean continues driving, ignoring my plea. He keeps one hand on the wheel and laces his fingers in mine with his free hand. “Baby, she will be okay whether the duck shows up for bath time or not.”
“I don’t want her crying the whole time. We can just tell them to avoid the duck and then it’s taken care of.” Why isn’t he listening to me? This isn’t that hard.
“I don’t think they need us telling them what to do all night. Let’s try to focus on the party and let them handle things. They know what they’re doing. I promise.” I huff rather dramatically, pissed that he won’t listen to my concerns. “Hallie, baby, it’s just a duck.”
“I’m trying my best, Sean. This is hard for me.”
“You’re an amazing mother. It’s okay to take some time for yourself. You don’t have to feel guilty about going out tonight. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply as I stare absently out the window of the truck. It’s starting to get dark and I know Sean can see my reflection in the window. I’m embarrassed for him to see my watery eyes as I try my best to hold back the impending tears threatening to ruin my make-up. Before I can say anything else, Sean pulls over alongside the road. “What are you doing?” I ask.
“Baby, look at me.” I turn my head and see compassionate eyes staring back at me. “I love you so much. Thank you for caring about our daughter the way you do. She’s lucky to have you as her mommy.”