Ailee follows me as we squeeze past the boxes of fresh produce blocking the sidewalk. I’m used to holding my breath as I pass, but I hear her gag on the smell and she walks faster trying to escape.
I open the rusted security gate and hold the door open for her in front of me, and lock behind us. On the other side of the door is a bar, where most of our ‘business’ is conducted, it’s a family business. The long narrow stairway is dimly lit and the concrete stairs make our footsteps echo as we climb to the top, where a wooden door with a glass window opens into the office.
The old, dark wood furniture and carpets, make it seem like you stepped back into a seventies mob movie, and you have. My great aunt is at the front desk, her white hair and thick glasses only add to the feeling of going back in time.
“Ciao Zia.” I greet her and move Ailee beside me, my hand on her lower back makes her tense. “Can Ailee wait here with you? Is Viv here?”
She smiles at me. “Si, she’s in the kitchen making your father lunch. Amelia can sit here, or go help her.”
My aunt calls her by her real name, not the nickname she prefers. Old people are sticklers for things like that. I look down to her, to see what she wants to do.
Regarding the old lady then looking at me, she says, “I’ll go find Viviana and help her.”
Her voice is soft, and the fierce, stubborn spitfire is gone.
“Come, I’ll show you where to go.” I wink at the old lady and take my wife down the hall to the small office kitchen, where Viv is making panini with parma ham and cheese.
She is a daddy’s girl my sister, since mama passed she looks after the old man. Val was always a free spirited, headstrong child. It’s funny how two identical looking people can be so completely different.
Viv is visibly shocked when I step into the small space with Ailee. Her expression asks me enough questions without speaking a word.
“Viv, can Ailee help you with lunch and maybe wait with you while I’m with Papa?” You would swear I asked her to run the New York marathon by the expression on her face. “Please?” I try being nice.
“Sure, where’s her friend today?”
Oh Jesus Christ, she had to ask, didn’t she.
Ailee looks down at the floor, and I swallow, thinking of something to say. “He had to leave us. Just be a nice sister-in-law and help me out today.” I look at her, like if you don’t do this you’re going to pay for it.
“Rain, go I’ll take care of your wife.” She waves at me to leave.
I hesitate because I’m not sure I trust her yet. But, I have work to do.
* * *
When we are finished with the business for the day, my father closes the office drawer and pours himself a drink. He offers me one even though he knows I don’t drink, and I decline as I do every time.
“How’s she?” he asks, leaning against his desk.
“Distant, quiet, and terrified of me.” There’s no point in lying, he might be the only one who can help me through this. “I went too far.”
“You don’t say.” He sips the clear alcohol in his crystal glass. “I have an idea, something you can could do to make her happy.” My father doesn’t often have ideas that don’t benefit him, so I’m a little suspicious. “She’s happy at the salon, she likes it?”
“Yes, it seems like they are family to her.” I shrug. “But, that’s not really what I want for her. I want a wife.”
“Rain, you can’t have everything you want. She’s gotta have something of her own too.” He lets me think about it for a minute before he continues. “Gina is old, and she’s only got boys. Why don’t you make her an offer on the business? She basically works for us anyway. That way the money can still go through their books, your wife has her ‘own’ business, and she’s happy.”
I don’t know how the man still comes up with these things, he’s a genius. My father is a very clever, ruthless, cunning, self serving man. Only he could find a way to make this a business opportunity and a way to try to make amends with my wife.
“You think Gina would sell?” She’s a stubborn old bitch.
“For enough money, yes.” He shrugs his shoulders. “You can only ask her nicely and make it hard for her to say no.”
It’s not a bad idea, but I don’t even know if Ailee wants to go back there now.
“I’ll think about it,” I answer. I need to see what she wants, before I buy a hair salon I have no use for.
“Good. You two will join us for drinks downstairs before you go home?” His brothers, and most of the family men, will be in the bar for their nightly after-work drinks and family meeting.
“Yes, of course.” I answer for both of us.
Twenty-One
Spritz
AILEE
I didn’t want to go back to his house, but I’m not sure this is much better. Viviana went to give the men lunch, and I’m standing here in this pokey little kitchen. The cabinets are still metal, painted in an olive green, like an episode of ‘That 70’s Show.’
The whole place is old and smells like my dead grandmother’s closet used to. I open doors until I find a glass, and pour myself some water from the old refrigerator.
When his sister returns she hands me a sandwich off the tray she took with her and takes the one that’s left for herself. My stomach growls. I hadn’t even thought about food, but I’m hungry.
“Thank you,” I say, grabbing a side plate from the counter behind her.
“They are going to be busy all afternoon. I was going to go shopping, but we can watch Netflix in the back ’til they’re done.”
She sounds like it’s no big deal. “You can go, you don’t need to babysit me. I’ll just wait.”
She frowns. “You don’t know my brother well at all. It’s fine, we will binge watch something cheesy.”
She takes a bite of her sandwich and walks out the door. I follow her because I am not keen to get into a conversation with the old lady in the front.
“So, I’m guessing that by ‘had to leave’, my brother whacked your boyfriend?” It comes out as a casual question, like it’s nothing out of the ordinary, not murder at all. My mouth is full of food so I don’t answer right away. “It’s a pity, he was rather pretty to look at I’d have done him.”
She keeps nattering as we walk down the passage of closed doors. At the end we turn to the right. I can hear men’s voices from the left. That’s where he must be. The last door right in the back is open, and Viv looks over to see I’m following as she goes inside.
There’s an old leather sofa and two wingback chairs, a scuffed coffee table and a giant flatscreen TV. It’s the most modern thing in here and it sticks out.
“You can talk to me, you know that right? We are family or whatever.” She says after I still don’t respond to her incessant chatter. She flicks the TV on and asks, “What do you want to watch?”
“I don’t know. I don’t watch much TV to be honest. You choose.”
“I’m an American Horror Story person, you don’t want to let me choose.” She laughs.
“Okay, not that then, but anything else.”
I sit down on one of the wingback chairs, and she flops onto the couch. The sandwich tastes amazing, it reminds me of home, of being a kid eating family meals. I curl one leg underneath me as Viv starts scrolling through the never ending list of shows on Netflix.
“Reality TV?” she looks at me for approval.
I nod, not really caring what we watch, I just want the time to pass. It’s funny, all I wanted was to get away from Rain, and now that he’s left me alone all I want is for him to come back. It’s like I feel terrified, but safe when I’m with him.
Maybe I have gone crazy, a straightjacket actually sounds comforting right now.
“Did Rain do that?” she points to my neck, looking concerned. “My father will chop his dick off.”
I shake my head, no it wasn’t him.
“Oooh, that’s what got the pretty boy killed,” she says, nodding like
it makes sense, like he deserved to die over a few bruises. “That would have pushed Rain right over the edge. You know he’s obsessed over you, stalked you, watched you, followed you, fuck my father wanted to fire his ass over you. He was never far away. You might think that’s a bit crazy, but I think it’s romantic.”
She gets a swoony look on her face and sighs. I’m still trying to process what she’s said.
“What do you mean?” I stutter out.
“You know he loved you so much that he watched you everyday?”
“No, about him following me and watching me, how long has he been doing that? I thought it was just now, with Trent.”
She laughs, putting her plate down. “Like since the day after he married you. My brother is stupid over you, always has been. He’s just too socially inept to deal with feelings like a normal person.” She turns around so she’s sitting sideways, looking directly at me. “My father says my mother coddled him and made him ‘funny’. I think he’s just different. When you get to understand him, you’ll see. He’s quiet, but deep. Doesn’t usually make rash decisions and do things on impulse, which is why I’m still surprised you’re sitting here. He’s been on the fence for ages about what he should do, and not wanting to hurt you.”
“It’s too late for the not hurting me part, about five years too late,” I say, my defenses going up. She makes him sound like a good person; a nice man. I know better. “I’m here because the alternative is the nice cemetery next to the church where we got married.” This isn’t fun for me, it’s not romantic. It’s frightening and a matter of life or death.
“My brother wouldn’t kill you, and my father wouldn’t let him have you killed. You are perfectly safe, no matter what stupid threats he’s used to get you here. Ailee, Rain isn’t that bad.”
She’s still trying to convince me that the man who shot someone two feet from me this morning is a good guy. Maybe she needs that white coat and padded room more than I do.
“I think you might be delusional, because he shot my boyfriend in front of me this morning.” I speak slowly, so she can hear every word. “He’s insane. I know I am not just walking away.”
“Oh no, there’s no way you’re walking away. He’d tie you up or lock you in a room, or some shit. But, he’s not going to hurt you. He loves you, in his own twisted, sick, stalkerish way.” I feel like one of the people in the show we are watching, like this can’t actually be real life, but it is. “And boyfriend? Ailee, you’re married. You had to know, even without Rain around, that having a boyfriend was wrong, not to mention stupid.”
Now I want to slap her. Every cell in my body wants to fly off this chair and beat the ever loving shit out of her smug little face. I imagine it while I bite the inside of my cheek ’til it bleeds, and I taste blood swirling around in my mouth. I turn to face the TV and end the conversation before I hit her.
“I’m just saying, he’s not all fucking mobster and murderer, and if you are stuck with him it can’t hurt to try and like the guy.”
“Viviana, it’s too soon for me to even begin to stop hating him.”
We don’t talk anymore. We just watch the show, but I don’t see any of it. All I see is Rain kissing Trent, and blood and brains.
It’s on repeat in my head and I can’t switch the channel.
She spends most of the time on her phone, texting or snap-chatting, I don’t know. My phone is still in Rain’s kitchen, where it’s been since Saturday night.
* * *
What feels like a million episodes and hours later, the male voices get closer to us. I can hear them in the passage.
My hair stands up and I know it’s him coming to get me. My throat is dry and I can’t swallow.
Viviana looks at me and smiles. “They will want you to join them in the bar. If you want I’ll come with?” I don’t want to go, and I’m guessing it’s not an invitation but an obligation. “Women don’t normally join, so if they ask – you go.”
I nod, silently hoping they don’t ask. “If they do, please come with,” I say softly.
She smiles at me and nods. “Of course.”
She’s nice, much nicer than her brother. It’s probably a trap though. The voices go quiet and Rain comes in the door, he is smiling and his father is right behind him.
The older man has a hand on his shoulder like he’s proud of him, and approves of what he’s done. I’m instantly angry, I want to yell and scream at them.
“Hello ladies.” His father greets us both from the door, “Would you two like to join us downstairs for drinks this evening?”
Shit, fuck, shit, no, no I don’t want to join you for anything.
“Sure.” Viv answers for us and I scowl at her.
I don’t like being spoken for. Rain smiles at me, like he’s happy about this. If I was a cartoon character there would be smoke coming out my ears and my face would be puce.
“Come on then,” his dad says to Viv, and she bounces over to him.
I am going to guess that she likes getting asked to join the men.
“Give us a minute, we will see you down there,” Rain says as they start out of the door.
He watches until they have gone. I just stand still, frozen in place, looking at him. The things his sister said spin around me like stars after a concussion.
He comes further into the room. “Are you okay? She wasn’t a huge bitch to you, was she?”
“I’m fine. She was nice.” I snap, because now we are alone, and I’m angry, hurting, and confused. It’s like I’ve waited all day, wanting him to come back. Now that he’s here I want to punch him in the face.
“Can we sit and talk for a minute? Please Ailee?” He motions to the sofa. I just look at it then back at him. “Please.” He begs a little.
“Fine.” I cross my arms like a child having a tantrum, because I am having an internal tantrum, and sit down on the edge of the seat.
“Are you okay? I mean really, don’t lie if you’re not, you can tell me.”
I’m in a bad dream, I must be. Can I just wake up now. Is he for real? Am I okay? No, I’m not fucking okay.
“I’m fine.” I lie through my teeth.
“You are allowed to be sad, Ailee. You loved him. He wasn’t what he seemed, but you loved him. It’s fine to grieve. It’s acceptable to be angry with me, but I did it because he was hurting you and wasn’t going to stop.” He looks away, past me, like he cannot face me and what he did. “I want to talk about how things are going to be now … what you want to do. Do you want to keep working at the salon? I will have someone to take you in and bring you home every night if that’s what you want. I don’t want to ruin your life, or take anything away from you.”
You already have!
I’m screaming on the inside, crying in a ball on the floor. But, on the outside I am just numb, a dead lump of flesh sitting here looking at him, wondering why he is trying now. It’s too late now.
“I’m not quitting my job to be your stay-home maid, Rain. I like my job, I like my friends, a lot more than I like you right now.”
He swallows my insult and nods his head. “Okay, that’s settled. I want you to like me, Ailee, I’d like you to love me one day. Not today, today you can hate me, but one day.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “I’m sorry, not just for Trent. For everything. Something about you makes me crazy. I lose control and do irrational things. But, only when it comes to you.”
“Well please fucking stop, I’ve stopped running and denying that this is what my life is going to be, Rain. You can stop being a lunatic.” I pull my hand away. “I’m afraid of you. You’ve been the boogey man in my dreams for five years. It’s not going to just go away.”
I stand up. I don’t want to talk to him, to see what his sister sees.
“Let’s go downstairs, your father is waiting for us.”
Looking up at me, I can see that he is hurting too. I don’t know what went on between him and Trent. There was more than I saw. I’m still not convinced
he wasn’t behind the whole thing; the way Trent barreled into my life, his persistence, and the fact he was bisexual.
I feel like everything has been a lie, especially after the things Viviana said to me. He waits, but when I don’t say anything more, he stands and takes my hand in his. “I don’t want to join them. Let’s go home.”
Twenty-Two
Tease
RAINIERI
I don’t feel like joining them for drinks anymore. The thought of drunk men, and the whole family being there, just isn’t appealing after talking to her. Seeing just how much I have hurt her, it’s left a sour taste in my mouth.
“Your father invited us, it’s rude. Let’s join them for a drink and then we can go.” She stops me mid-stride. “We can’t not go, Rain. You will make me look bad.”
She’s right. “Fine.” I sigh. “I don’t actually drink. I’ve been sober for more than four years.”
I don’t know why I tell her, maybe because booze was part of the reason I acted like a maniac on our wedding night. I want her to see I’m not the same man from five years ago, that those days after our wedding changed me.
Letting her go changed me. I watched her live while I was trapped, living my life without the one thing I both wanted to have and wanted to set free. This is already so much harder than that was.
“Really?” she looks shocked.
“Yes, really.” I answer her as we open the door to the staircase and start going down.
The evening air coming up from outside is fresh, and slightly cooler. The rotten smell from Joel’s shop is gone now that he’s closed for the day, and I can hear the music from the bar filtering through the walls. Laughter and loud voices carry out onto the street as we get outside.
Cut & Blow: Book 1 Page 18