by Dawn Goodwin
He flings himself into the other chair in the room, suddenly deflated, looking like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He starts to run his hands through his hair again, making even more of it stand on end. ‘Jesus, Maddie. This is getting out of hand.’
‘It was a misunderstanding, that’s all. I was trying to do a good deed. She was alone and scared and hurt.’
‘Maybe you need hel—’
The door to the room opens and the policewoman who has been grilling me for the last few hours walks in, but doesn’t close the door behind her this time. ‘You’re free to go, Mrs Lowe. Mrs Marshall does not wish to press charges at this stage.’
‘Thank you,’ I say quietly. ‘How’s Mia?’
I can feel Greg’s eyes burning into me.
The policewoman narrows her eyes and says, ‘She’s gone home now with her mother, where she belongs. Perhaps next time you see a child in distress, you should stay where you are and call for help rather than taking matters into your own hands.’
*
The drive home is awkward to say the least. Greg is still angry with me. He just can’t seem to get his head around what I did. When I asked him what he would’ve done, he said he would’ve asked the other women if she belonged to them and if no one claimed her, he would’ve called 999. Like she was lost property, a misplaced purse rather than a vulnerable child.
But this is the problem with us these days. We are on different wavelengths. He has accepted that we may never have children. With each failed attempt, he seems to want it that bit less. He used to be as excited, as determined. Now it feels like he is just going through the motions for me.
Meanwhile, I just want it more. It is all I think about. Everywhere I look, I see cherub faces, can hear laughing and playing, smell baby shampoo and Sudocrem, like a drug I can’t avoid. Everyone seems to be pregnant or pushing a pushchair, complaining about exhaustion and lack of sleep, wiping sick off their clothes – and I want all of it. All the messy, boring, tiring lot of it.
I suggested adoption to Greg the other day and he point blank refused to consider it, said he didn’t want someone else’s baby. If he couldn’t have ours, he would rather go without.
How could he not even consider it?
Surely any child is better than none at all?
I can still feel the warmth of Mia’s hand in mine, almost taste the salt of her tears on my tongue.
That can’t be our future.
I won’t let it.
7
Someone was knocking insistently on her door.
Maddie had been in bed for what felt like forever. She looked at the clock on her bedside table: 10.15 a.m. Yesterday’s stomach bug was thankfully over, but she was weak and exhausted. She wanted sleep and lots of it, and she was determined to recover without any more help from anyone. Jade had been right the other day in telling her she was playing the victim too much. She was supposed to be getting back her independence and at the first sign of trouble, she’d had to call in reinforcements.
Pathetic.
So no more help from Jade. Or Greg. Time to stand on her own two feet.
Actually, she was beginning to enjoy living on her own. Her own little safe haven, she was no longer waking up in the middle of the night, listening in case every creak was a step in the hallway, an intruder coming towards her. No longer cooking huge amounts of food, forgetting that she was on her own. She’d even starting thinking about unpacking the remaining boxes in the spare room so that she could turn it into a home office, maybe start a small business bookkeeping from home, finally accepting the fact that she should step away from Greg’s business permanently.
There was a jigsaw in that room that was begging to be started. Very rock and roll of her, but the idea of quiet evenings in front of rubbish telly with a jigsaw for company was comforting. She could imagine Jade’s face if she saw her doing a jigsaw!
Then again, there were other boxes in that spare room that she didn’t want to unpack, that were still too painful to open.
The knocking started up again, then Maddie’s heart lurched as she thought she heard the sound of a key in the lock and a thud as the chain pulled tight, barring entry.
‘Maddie? Maddie, are you in there? Are you ok?’ Jade’s voice was rattling and hoarse, her cigarette habit stripping her voice of its melody. ‘I’m worried about you.’
Maddie wanted to weep. She just wanted to be left alone, but she figured she owed it to Jade to tell her she was feeling better, especially after she came to her rescue.
Maddie inched from her bed and threw her dressing gown on over the T-shirt and knickers she’d been sleeping in.
As she approached the door, she saw it was closed and that Jade was peering through the letterbox. Maddie glanced up and saw her key swinging from the nail where it was supposed to be. It must’ve been the snap of the letterbox she had heard.
She had a feeling that if she actually saw Jade, she would end up being persuaded to let her in.
‘Maddie! Come on, I’m worried!’
‘I’m fine, Jade,’ Maddie called back. ‘I’m just trying to sleep it off.’
‘Let me in – I’ll keep an eye on you.’
‘I think I’d rather be on my own for a bit. I’m just going to sleep for the rest of today.’ Maddie felt treacherous as she said it. She could already feel her resolve weakening the longer she talked.
‘I don’t mind, I just… I don’t want to be upstairs on my own. Ben isn’t there and it’s a bit lonely.’ Her voice was thin and needling.
Maddie scrunched up her face and took a step forward, then paused again.
No, Maddie. You can say no.
She clenched her hands into fists, her fingernails digging into her palms, before she spoke again. ‘I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m really not up to company. I need to go back to bed. I’ll call you when I’m back on my feet and see how you are, ok? Maybe we can go out for a bit – go for a walk or something. It might make us both feel better. Or I could come over and hang out with you and Ben tomorrow.’
She waited, her breath held, to see if Jade would carry on. For a few seconds there was nothing, then Jade said, ‘Fine, whatever,’ and the letterbox slammed shut.
Maddie exhaled, then headed back to bed. She pulled the covers up, but her nerves were jangling. She kept running the conversation over in her head, feeling more and more guilty about airing Jade.
It was done now though.
*
It was the smell that woke her this time.
At first she couldn’t place it. She just had a sense that something was wrong, wafting over her in gentle waves and lapping at her throat. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, confused. Then, as she became more conscious, she realised why it was so familiar and yet so out of place.
Gas.
She looked at the clock. 10.10 p.m. She’d been asleep for almost twelve hours. Her head felt fuzzy, her tongue thick. She shrugged into her gown and went into the kitchen for a glass of water.
The smell wasn’t obvious in the kitchen. She sniffed at the air near the oven to be sure and checked all of the gas rings in case she’d left one on by accident, but the smell had gone. Maybe it had been left over from a dream she was having.
She carried her glass of water back into the bedroom. The smell returned, stronger than before. Sniffing like a bloodhound, her nose led her to the air vent high up in the corner of the room. It was coming from there.
Maddie’s breath caught. That vent led to Jade’s flat above. Was the gas coming from there?
Was she just cooking something? Or was there a problem? A malfunction? What if she hadn’t noticed and she was lying unconscious? If Ben was away with his dad, she would be alone and no one would find her until it was too late.
Maddie remembered how tiny Jade’s voice was last night, how lonely she said she was. How irrational she had been acting. Maybe not being found was what she wanted.
Oh God, had she done something stupid?
Even worse, what if Ben was there and he couldn’t wake Jade? He’d be frightened, confused.
The thought propelled Maddie into action. She slid her feet into her slippers, unchained the front door and took the stairs two at a time to the next floor, not caring that her dressing gown was flapping open.
‘Jade! Jade! Open up!’ She banged hard on the door, her hands in fists.
Luke stuck his head out of his flat. ‘Everything ok?’
‘She’s not answering! I can smell gas! Do you have a key?’
‘Er, no! Why would I? Should I call 999? I could try breaking the door in.’ Maddie considered his thin frame and figured she’d have better luck than him.
Maddie banged harder on the door. ‘Jade! Are you ok?’
She heard rustling and movement, then the door opened, but with the chain still engaged. Jade peered through the crack.
‘What’s going on?’ she said.
‘I can smell gas. It’s coming through the vent in my bedroom. Are you ok?’ Maddie’s voice was high-pitched with stress.
‘What are you on about?’ Jade looked confused and Maddie realised she may have misread the situation, talked herself into a frenzy.
‘Can you not smell it? Gas? Open the door, let me check.’
‘No offence, Maddie, but it’s not a good time right now.’ Jade went to close the door on her.
She heard Luke exhale behind her and mutter, ‘She seems fine, as ungrateful as ever,’ before he headed back inside.
‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I know you were feeling low and I should’ve been there for you. I was still feeling weak and exhausted, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve let you in. But please! Don’t do anything silly. We can find a solution. We’ll work this out. Together.’
Jade’s face seemed to fold in on itself. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Of course I do! There is nothing so big that we can’t fix it. I’m on your side. I want to see you and Ben happy, living your best lives. Come on, open up. Let’s talk.’
Jade sighed heavily and closed the door. Maddie heard the chain being withdrawn and it opened again.
*
They sat on the couch, each wearing dressing gowns and slippers, and sipping at mugs of tea like two grannies in a care home.
The smell of gas had gone now. Maddie had found one of the burners on Jade’s oven had been left on. Jade claimed not to have noticed, but the smell was unmistakeable once she was inside Jade’s flat.
When Maddie questioned Jade, she denied everything, put it down to not concentrating when she had heated up some baked beans earlier. Funnily enough though, there were no pans or dirty plates in the sink. She could’ve already washed them, but from past evidence, Jade was not one for cleanliness. The pizza box stashed by the bin was more likely to have been her dinner.
Still, Maddie didn’t press the matter. Jade was clearly in a vulnerable place and Maddie didn’t want to push her.
Maddie put her mug down. ‘Better?’
Jade shrugged. ‘It’s just hard, you know?’ Her voice was low and trembling.
Maddie reached out for her hand. ‘I know. Trust me, I’ve had some struggles of my own in the past and I’ve… been to some dark places. Sometimes it’s hard to see past the mountain in the front of you, but there is light on the other side.’
‘Did you swallow a self-help book or something?’ Jade scoffed.
Maddie blushed. ‘Sorry, it’s just… I’m trying to help, that’s all.’
‘But you don’t know what it’s like, do you? You don’t have kids.’
Maddie shrugged. ‘No, but I know what it’s like to want to control a situation and feeling helpless when it’s taken out of your hands. I know what desperation feels like.’ She swallowed. ‘And I know what it feels like to not want to carry on.’
‘What happened to you?’
‘I don’t think I can—’
‘But it would help me to know. It would help me to feel understood if I knew what you had been through, not so alone.’
Maddie wasn’t sure if she was capable of sharing her story.
Annoyance flashed over Jade’s face. ‘Ok, well, if you don’t want to talk about it…’ She stood up abruptly, took Maddie’s half full cup from her hand and stalked into the kitchen. ‘I just thought you wanted to help, that’s all. I thought you were my friend.’
‘I am, but it’s not as simple as that. It’s… really painful for me. One day I will tell you. But not today. I haven’t got dressed for two days, I still feel awful and I don’t think I have the resolve to tell that story right now.’
Jade nodded, but there was hurt painted in bold colours in her eyes. ‘Fine.’
Maddie got up too. ‘Listen, I meant what I said. I am on your side and I want to help. I know I tell you to talk to me, that it will help, and I should be listening to my own advice, but know that I am here if you do want to talk to me about how you’re feeling. I don’t want you to feel alone.’
‘Thanks, I’m fine now. You can go. I know you’re not feeling well.’ Her lips were pulled into a straight line and her words were clipped.
Maddie watched her for a minute, but Jade had closed up.
‘Ok, but why don’t I take Ben out tomorrow? Give you a break?’
‘He has his music class tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.’
‘Ok, well, I could take him? I should be fine by then. What do you say?’ There was a terse nod, but no eye contact.
‘Great, I’ll see you then.’
Maddie let herself out.
*
Jade watched Maddie go. That went well. A twist of the gas ring, a subtle waft with a gossip magazine towards the air vent and she had created the panic she wanted. She hadn’t been entirely sure it would work, but it had been worth a try.
More than anything, she’d been curious to see how – or if – Maddie would react.
And boy, had she obliged! The look on Maddie’s face when she thought Jade had tried to gas herself was priceless.
Interesting.
Jade had a sense that Maddie was slowly losing interest, that her initial urge to build a friendship was cooling as she became more comfortable with living on her own. She was talking about starting a business and all sorts. That would mean she would have less time for Jade – and that couldn’t happen.
Jade felt like a spider on a web, inching towards her prey. She knew Maddie would be downstairs now, feeling terrible at freezing her out, wishing she had opened up and worrying that Jade would try something else. Another cry for help.
As if that was Jade’s style. Maddie didn’t know her well at all.
There was a lot at stake here, but all Maddie needed to see was what Jade wanted her to. On the other hand, Jade needed to know Maddie pretty well, most importantly if she was as innocent and trustworthy as she came across, but there was still so much Maddie was not revealing. It made Jade nervous, which was a feeling she was not familiar with. She liked to be in control, to know how things would pan out.
This was not comfortable territory for Jade.
Something had clearly gone on in the past that Maddie was holding onto tightly. Jade wanted to know what it was.
*
Maddie was tired.
Not only from the physical aftereffects of her recent bout of food poisoning, but also from the night before. After leaving Jade’s, she’d texted Greg and they had spent half an hour passing messages backwards and forwards – Maddie telling Greg about Jade and what was going on with her and Greg trying to convince Maddie to stay out of it, that it wasn’t good for her state of mind to get too involved.
Maddie knew he had a point, but she couldn’t just walk away from Jade – or rather, she couldn’t walk away from Ben. She couldn’t shake the feeling that Ben needed her, but she couldn’t say why. Just that she had an overwhelming urge to take care of him and it was something she couldn’t ignore. When she thought about having him all to herself today, her entire body fizzed.
S
he gathered up her handbag and shoved some mini boxes of raisins and a bag of breadsticks into her handbag and shrugged into her coat, enjoying the feeling of the smile riding her lips. As she grabbed her phone, it buzzed and vibrated in her hand. She expected it to be Greg again, following up on last night’s texts, but it was a message from Gemma:
Lots of messages between you and Greg last night. What happened to standing on your own two feet?
Someone wasn’t happy. Letting Maddie know she was aware of their messages, a little like she was pissing on a lamppost outside Maddie’s door, marking her territory.
She shoved her phone back in her bag and headed out the door.
*
Although the sun was shining, Maddie felt some of her excitement wane as soon as she stepped outside with Ben in his pushchair. He’d flashed her a rare smile when she’d collected him from Jade, who had been almost embarrassed at the events of the night before and practically shoved Maddie and Ben out of the flat. As Maddie opened the door to the main building, two women stood back to let her past, then headed inside. Maddie hadn’t seen them about before and assumed they were friends of Luke as they both headed upstairs, chattering away.
Interesting. He seemed so shy and awkward. Or were they friends of Jade’s? Was that why she was so keen to get rid of her and Ben? Maddie felt like she had been shooed away, as though Jade hadn’t wanted her friends to see Maddie for some reason.
Feeling irked at Jade’s rejection, Maddie headed off down the street, but her mood dropped even further as a tickling feeling tripped over her, like she was being watched. She couldn’t quite see around a parked van to determine whether it was Jade watching from her window or not. Maybe it was – checking to make sure they’d crossed the road safely. Maddie knew she would be doing the same thing, not wanting to let Ben out of her sight for a minute, worrying about him until he was returned to her safely. But that contradicted her bundling them out of the door. Maybe she was making sure they had definitely left the building then?
The feeling unnerved her and as she walked further down the street, it followed her, like a spectral breath on the back of her neck. She spun around quickly but there was no one behind her or following her. A car pulled out of the side street she had just passed and for a brief second Maddie thought it looked like Gemma’s Range Rover. Then she dismissed that idea too – Gemma had just texted her, so she surely wasn’t following her around in her car. And what reason would she have to do that anyway? There was nothing about Maddie that Gemma could ever find threatening, surely.