by Dawn Goodwin
Tomorrow.
It would all end tomorrow.
*
Maddie’s eyes were tight and dry, like every drop of moisture had been sucked from them, leaving behind two glassy marbles. She drank her tea at the kitchen table, not really tasting it but needing the familiar warmth after a sleepless night spent staring at the ceiling.
Whatever happened, if she could be in the clear when it was all over, that would be a bonus, but a large part of her didn’t care. There was a strong possibility that things would not turn out well. Worst-case scenario would be that she was arrested not only for one murder, but implicated in Greg’s death too. Her brain struggled to comprehend how she had got herself into such a mess, but she couldn’t think about Greg for too long without feeling like she was hanging over a precipice, staring down into an abyss.
If she went to jail, so be it, but she should try as much as possible to take Jade down with her. Greg deserved that at least.
She looked at the address Jade had sent to her, opened the maps app on her phone and factored in the travel distance, memorised the route.
She set her phone back on the table and sat staring at the room in front of her. Her little flat didn’t feel much like a haven anymore. More like a place that had been violated by something poisonous and she needed to escape from it, to get as far away from it as possible.
There was nothing here for her anymore. Greg was gone; Jade was keeping Ben from her as punishment; Jemima wasn’t her daughter, no matter how much she wished she was; and Gemma would probably be happier if Maddie was miles away.
The way Maddie saw it, she had two options after today if she wasn’t arrested: to just take herself up onto the roof, lean over and watch the ground rush towards her. Who would miss her? Or to get away from here. Far away. To that little cottage by the sea, somewhere remote, where she could start over, have her own space that belonged just to her, free of memories. Somewhere isolated and quiet.
She had a dog in her daydream. She’d always wanted one, but Greg was allergic. She could hear a memory in her head, her telling him as he read the ingredients on some soup she’d bought that one day his allergies would be the death of her and he had replied, ‘No, Maddie, the death of me!’ and they’d laughed.
How they’d laughed.
She could feel panic clawing up her skin, so she thought about the dog she would buy. Something medium-sized, but not too energetic. Something that needed short walks and bursts of fresh air to get her out of the house, but not endless hours of running in fields. Maybe a rescue dog that needed a bit of love, one that would curl up in her lap.
Jemima would probably love a dog. Not that she would be able to come and visit. If Maddie left, she would be doing it in order to completely disappear. Like the woman who lived here before.
Maddie had a sudden urge to see Jemima, give her one last cuddle, maybe whisper an apology into her ear.
As she left the flat, she almost collided with Luke as he bundled into the building.
‘Oh, hey,’ he said with a wide smile, his top lip disappearing into his teeth. ‘I haven’t seen you in ages.’ Then he frowned. ‘You ok?’
‘Not really, I had some bad news a few days ago.’
‘Oh, shit, sorry. Do you want to talk about it? I could put the kettle on. You shouldn’t be alone. I wish you’d said sooner.’
She fought back another dose of tears and said, ‘That’s sweet, thanks, but I have something I have to do.’ She turned away from him towards the main door, then turned back and said, ‘You’re really nice, Luke. I’m glad we met.’ Then she rushed out before she could change her mind.
*
When Maddie walked up to the front door, she could hear Jemima screaming through the woodwork. An angry, indignant wail symptomatic of a toddler in full meltdown.
She paused with her finger over the doorbell, then rang it apologetically. She fully expected Gemma’s mother to act as doorkeeper again, but it was the lady of the house herself who pulled open the door. But this was not the neat, immaculately styled woman Maddie had seen a little over a week ago.
The woman standing in the doorway was wearing sports leggings and a stained sweatshirt, with feet stuffed into chunky slippers. Her hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, but strands had escaped and hung limply around her drawn face. The bags under her haunted eyes were plum-coloured and she’d made none of her usual effort at masking them.
Maddie was momentarily speechless.
How the mighty have fallen.
‘Hi, is now a bad time? I can come back,’ she said.
Gemma looked like she was about to crumble. Her face collapsed in on itself and Maddie stepped forward to take hold of her as she swayed on her feet. Gemma grabbed onto her and pulled Maddie into the house.
‘She won’t stop crying! I don’t know what to do!’ Gemma wailed, almost as loud as the cries coming from inside the house.
‘Hey, hey. Let me help. Come on.’ Maddie guided Gemma through the hallway. ‘Come and sit down in the kitchen and I’ll put the kettle on.’
Gemma’s slippers shuffled across the wooden floor as she allowed herself to be led to the breakfast bar. Maddie lowered her onto a bar stool. Jemima was flailing around on the rug in the corner of the room, her face pressed to the floor, toys scattered where she’d thrown them in her anger. She looked up at the sound of Maddie’s voice and the wails diminished into sobs and gulps.
Maddie walked over to her and Jemima immediately put her arms out to her, her lip trembling and snot pouring from her tiny nose.
‘There, there, angel, what’s all this noise about?’ Maddie crooned at her as she scooped her up. Jemima buried her face in Maddie’s shoulder and let out another tiny sob.
‘You see, she hates me!’ Gemma wailed. ‘She’s stopped crying for you!’
‘No, she doesn’t. She just needs a nap or something. I’ll see if I can settle her, then we’ll talk, ok?’
Maddie carried Jemima up to her bedroom, snuggling her close. She lowered into the rocking chair in the bay window and started to sing quietly as Jemima’s sniffs grew quieter and her thumb sought out her mouth. With her thumb tucked in, Jemima’s eyes grew heavy in a Pavlovian response. It wasn’t long before she was asleep in Maddie’s arms, having exhausted herself with her tantrum.
Maddie sat for a little longer, enjoying the closeness, then gently lowered her into her bed and tucked her in.
As she came back down the stairs, she noticed that the photo frames that had littered every surface had gone. Either Maddie was right in her long-held suspicions that Gemma only brought them out when Maddie was coming over or she had removed them altogether in her grief.
Gemma was still sitting where Maddie had left her, slumped on the bar stool, her head in her hands, but the crying appeared to have petered out.
‘She’s asleep. I’ll make some tea.’
‘Why is it so easy for you? You don’t even have kids and you know what to do.’
Maddie’s teeth clenched. ‘Sometimes they need someone who isn’t their parent to step in, I guess.’
Maddie turned on the boiling water tap and the scalding water gurgled and spat into the mugs.
She reached into the fridge for Gemma’s usual soya milk, but there was nothing in there but some wrinkly apples and a pizza box. It would seem that clean eating didn’t go well with grief.
‘Oh, no milk. Shall I go and get some quickly?’
Gemma’s head snapped up. ‘No, don’t leave!’
‘Ok, that’s fine. We can have herbal tea.’
She poured the black tea down the sink and found a box of camomile tea in the cupboard.
Maddie sat next to Gemma and said nothing for a moment, just watched her as she stared into her mug, her eyes glazed and unseeing. It was a look Maddie knew well.
Eventually Gemma repeated, ‘Jemima hates me.’
Maddie reached out and rested her hand on Gemma’s tiny, very cold hand that was clasped around her mug like a claw. �
��No, she doesn’t hate you at all.’
Gemma looked up with panicked eyes. ‘She does! She knows Greg is gone. She had such a close connection with him, but there’s nothing there between us. I’ve tried. I really have tried. I can’t do this without him.’
‘I’m sure you’re doing just fine. This is an impossible situation for both of you.’ Maddie tried not to think about Jade or her own role in all of this because if she started thinking about it now, she would probably break down and tell Gemma everything. The truth was sitting on the tip of her tongue like a grenade.
‘She isn’t sleeping, she isn’t eating,’ Gemma said. ‘Everything I try she pushes away. She doesn’t want me to hold her, but if I leave the room she cries even harder. Greg was so good with her. He knew exactly what she needed. I have never known what she wants.’ She was silent for a moment, still staring into the mug but not drinking any of it. Then, her voice very low, she said, ‘That’s why I fill our time with so many activities or I leave her in the creche at the gym. I don’t know how to spend time with her.’ It was a bold admission and Maddie could feel the shame and regret pouring from her. Her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘Sometimes I don’t want to spend time with her.’
She looked wide-eyed at Maddie, daring her to admonish her for saying that. Maddie kept quiet.
‘Greg loved being with her,’ she continued. ‘They could just sit in a room and laugh together over silly things, doing absolutely nothing at all. I don’t know how he did that.’
‘All she needs is love, Gemma. She doesn’t need entertaining all the time.’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’ Her voice rose an octave. ‘And how would you know anyway? How would you understand how difficult it is when your own daughter rejects you? When her face lights up when her dad walks in, so that you’re left feeling like an intruder in their moment? Except he’s not going to walk in ever again.’ Her voice dropped again. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel anything for her at all. Other times all I feel is resentment. I left my job, ruined my body – and for what? A child who doesn’t even like me. And now he’s left me to fend for her all on my own.’
Maddie was horrified at the revelations dripping from Gemma’s tongue. How could anyone resent their child? At that moment, Maddie hated her. At that particular moment, she was glad Gemma was in pain – and glad Greg wasn’t here to hear these confessions.
Then she remembered that this was all her fault. If she hadn’t brought Jade into their lives, Jemima would have her dad and Gemma would be living in blissful, selfish ignorance of her feelings towards her daughter, spending her days at the gym and drinking kale smoothies, passing time until her daughter was in school and she could get her life back.
‘Sometimes the connection needs time and work. Sometimes there isn’t an immediate bond, I guess. But something like this could be just what you need to bring you closer to her.’
‘And sometimes people aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe that’s me. And now she has no one else.’ She started to weep again.
Maddie wanted to tell her she was wrong, but her lips wouldn’t form the words.
‘You agree with me, don’t you? Oh God, you think I’m a terrible mother!’ Gemma wailed.
‘I think you’re right in that I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but I know you are grieving and heartbroken, angry at Greg and unable to see past that right now. But she’s just a baby. She doesn’t understand what’s going on and is probably picking up on your distress.’
Gemma started to sob again. Maddie got to her feet and wrapped her arms around the heaving shoulders of the broken woman next to her.
They sat that way until Gemma had cried herself out. When she pulled back, Gemma was pale and trembling.
The words were out of Maddie’s mouth before she had even fully formed the idea behind them. ‘Listen, why don’t I take Jemima for a few days? To give you a break? You can get some much-needed rest and recover a bit? It would probably do both you and Jemima good. Let you get some perspective.’
Maddie held her breath.
‘You’d do that for me?’ Gemma said in a whisper.
Maddie exhaled. ‘Yes, of course. You and Jemima are still family, regardless of what has happened. I will always be here for you.’
Tears started to roll down Gemma’s cheeks again. ‘You’re an amazing person, Maddie. You have every reason to hate me and yet you’re being so lovely. I do need some time. I can’t do this on my own, not right now, maybe not ever.’
‘Don’t be silly. First, you’re not alone. You have me and you can always ask me for anything. Jemima is probably the closest thing I will ever have to a daughter. She is very special to me, so all you have to do is ask. Secondly, you’ll feel differently in a few days when you’ve had some space to breathe. Look, let’s pack up some of her things – a few clothes, some of her favourite toys or a couple of books and we’ll make it into a holiday for her. And when you’re ready, I’ll bring her back home. Take as long as you need – a day, a week, a month even.’
*
Maddie strapped Jemima into the car seat in the back of Gemma’s enormous Range Rover that had never seen a country lane or a muddy path. Gemma had insisted that Maddie take her car and Maddie hadn’t argued too much. She packed the pushchair and bags into the boot and looked over to where Gemma stood like a ghost in the doorway of the house, chewing on her fingernails.
Jemima was gurgling happily now, her earlier ferocity forgotten. Maddie smiled at her as she slid the clasp into place.
‘Do you want to give her a kiss goodbye?’
Gemma looked momentarily frightened by the idea. ‘No, no, I don’t want to set her off again. Go, it’s fine.’
‘Ok, well, I’ll let you know how we’re getting on and please call me if you need me. I’m only down the road.’
Gemma nodded, then shuffled back inside and closed the door.
Maddie climbed into the car and sat for a moment, watching Jemima in the back seat through the mirror. She smiled, then started the car.
As she pulled up outside the flat, she saw Jade standing outside, a cigarette clasped between pursed lips. Maddie’s good mood evaporated.
She climbed out and went around to the passenger door. She could feel Jade’s eyes burning into her.
Then Jade was right behind her, the smell of nicotine giving her away.
‘What’s all this then?’ Jade said.
‘Jemima is coming to stay with me for a few days.’
‘Clever. Giving yourself an alibi – and a different car for the CCTV cameras.’ Maddie ignored the admiration painted all over Jade’s face.
‘No, I’m giving her heartbroken mother a break. You know, the wife of the man you murdered?’
‘Yeah, you’re a saint. Convenient though, isn’t it?’
‘Whatever, Jade.’ Maddie’s voice was a growl. ‘But whatever happens today, I want you to stay the hell away from me from now on.’
Jade’s eyes narrowed to slits. ‘Ben has been asking after you.’
Maddie paused. ‘Jemima is my priority now,’ she replied, ignoring the tightness in her chest.
‘Oh, I see. It’s like that, is it?’
‘Where is he anyway?’
‘Upstairs, naptime.’
‘Then you’d better get back to him.’
Jade watched her closely. ‘You’ll let me know when it’s done.’
Maddie nodded and turned away to open the car door. She felt more than heard Jade move away.
She exhaled.
What the hell was she thinking? She now had Jemima to factor into this whole mess. She scooped Jemima and her bags up and hurried inside. As she juggled with the bags and a weighty Jemima in her arms, her grip on her keys slipped and they clattered to the floor. Before she could stoop to pick them up, Peggy from across the hall appeared from nowhere, her hair wrapped in a headscarf knotted under her chin and her raincoat buttoned tight.
‘Here, love, I’ll get them. Ah, who�
��s this then?’ She smiled at Jemima.
‘This is Jemima. I’m looking after her for a few days for a friend.’
‘She’s bonny, isn’t she?’
‘She’s a bit unsettled at the moment, so I hope there isn’t too much noise for you.’
Peggy slid the key in Maddie’s front door for her. ‘Oh, don’t worry. That kind of noise can’t be helped. They’re just trying to tell you something in the only way they know how.’
Maddie smiled in relief. ‘Yes, but two children in one building could get a bit noisy if they both start shouting at the same time.’
Peggy patted Maddie on the arm. ‘There are no other children here today, dear, and I doubt this little angel could be anything other than delightful.’
Maddie frowned as Peggy waddled away. The bag weighed heavy on her shoulder, so she shoved the door open with her hip and dumped everything just inside the door.
‘Right then, missy. We need to get your travel cot set up in my room, then I think a trip to the shop for some of your favourite food.’
Jemima giggled in response and Maddie felt elated, but the feeling evaporated just as quickly. What would she do with Jemima later? She had to go and see Mark. She had to finish this.
But maybe Jade was right. Jemima was the perfect cover. She could pick her up a Halloween costume at the shop and use that as her way to get Mark to open the door.
Just another friendly trick or treater.
16
Mark Bennett was a simple bloke. Easy to please, his mother would say. And yet his life was anything but. He worked with a nice group of lads. There was plenty of banter, a couple of pints after work on a Friday and some good-natured ribbing about the football on a Monday. Not quite the camaraderie of the rigs, but still a nice place to work. And when he was finished at the end of the day, all he wanted was to get home, have a hot bath and then collapse in front of the telly with a cold beer.
But pregnancy had turned his girlfriend Gloria into a nightmare, truth be told. Before she was pregnant, they’d been strong. They liked a laugh, she enjoyed a few drinks and hanging out with his mates, and she was really good at her job as a hairdresser, which also meant he got free haircuts on the weekend.