by Gen Ryan
“You’re my fucking brother. You protected me from beatings, made sure I never went to bed hungry when Mom and Dad would be out doing God knows what. Who I am, the choices I made, aren’t because of what you didn’t do for me, because you did everything. I just wanted—” Her voice cracked. “I want to be different. I don’t want to be like Mom, but here I am, her fucking spitting image. But it’s all I’ve known, and you stick with what you know.” Silent tears streamed down Emily’s face. Parker slowly moved toward her and took her in his arms. He stroked her hair, his voice shaking with emotion that caused tears to stream down my face.
“I didn’t do enough. I ran. I left you here and didn’t think about how not having me around would influence you. I failed you as a brother.”
Emily squirmed from his embrace and looked between him and me. “You both are constantly there for me whenever I screw up. If it wasn’t for you both, I’d be dead. Your love for each other gave me hope.” Reaching over to me, Emily took my hand in hers and squeezed.
I thought my marriage was a fail, that the past years of my life meant nothing, but looking into Emily’s eyes, I knew it was exactly what it needed to be.
Chapter Fourteen
Everything that happened with Emily, our confessions, the therapy session, really helped. Therapy wasn’t a magic cure, but when you knew the feelings of the other people involved, where they stood and what they truly thought of you, it could make some of the challenges easier.
Parker and I spent the days he had stateside packing up the house that we once shared and laughing like old times. The tension between us wasn’t as poignant; we had made a silent agreement to let the past be the past and focus on the here and now. We visited Emily daily for more therapy sessions, some of which I was a part of, and others I stayed behind. Whatever was happening behind those closed doors was good for them both. Parker seemed lighter, maybe even happier. Emily was doing better, and me? Well, I would get there. It was hard closing a chapter of my life that I thought was already written, watching a family that I was once a part of slowly becoming something without me.
I curled up to read a book on the sofa. Reading was an escape. I could live in someone else’s world for as long as I wanted. It made all that was around me disappear and offered a respite from all that was going on. Even though things were difficult, I knew that things that provided us with the most grief brought us the most growth, and I’d grown through this experience. I couldn’t wait to see all that I’d become from this.
“Hey.” Parker walked into the living room and sat across from me on the couch. “I have the paperwork here for the divorce.” My heart twisted in my chest. Parker didn’t even pay any bills, but I guess when you really wanted something you figured out a way, huh?
“Oh?” I took the papers from his hands and read. Standard divorce paperwork where there was no contest between parties. Everywhere I needed to sign was nicely pointed out with sticky notes.
“I figured we didn’t need to get lawyers involved. We have to be living apart for a year for it to be official. I still have time left on this tour, and I’m due for reenlistment, so I figured just get it started now.” Parker rubbed his head. He didn’t seem to be emotional in the least.
Reaching over to the side table, I grabbed a pen and clicked it open. I placed the papers on the table and signed.
“Guess that’s it, huh? Eight years over with a signature.” I handed him the signed papers.
He stood up, and I caught a hint of the young boy I fell in love with. His face didn’t hold all the pain of his past that haunted him. I wanted to make it all go away. To love him so much that the pain was nothing but a distant memory. But I couldn’t. You couldn’t love someone if they didn’t want to be loved. You couldn’t make them forget if all they wanted to do was hold on.
“Eight years. We had some good times.” He smiled. “Like vacationing in the Bahamas. Remember the waterfall?”
“I remember. There isn’t much I don’t remember.” I did remember it all, every good and bad memory.
Parker’s eyes softened. “This will be good for us. You’ll see.” His phone rang in his pocket. “It’s Samantha. I better get it.”
“Of course. Sure.” I sat up in the chair and plastered a smile on my face. He had Samantha. He’d moved on before we were even over and found what he needed in someone else. While I wished I had someone to comfort me, I knew that I’d lost so much of myself in my marriage. I gave my all, not leaving anything for me. I didn’t want to do that again, but that was easier said than done. I gave my all in everything I did in life. As a nurse, I got overly attached to my patients. My friendships lasted forever because the thought of starting over scared me shitless. I clung to what I knew. It was easier than the unknown.
My cell danced on the table, and an incoming message from Levi flitted across the screen. I hadn’t spoken to him since Parker came back. There I was again, putting my all into something and not finding balance.
Levi: Pizza? Movie? Tomorrow?
Me: Sure. After 5 works for me. Parker leaves tomorrow early afternoon.
Levi: Ah. Is everything going okay with that? I can beat him up if you want
The thought of Levi and Parker going at it made me giggle. Parker would kick Levi’s ass, but the fact that he was willing, even if joking, was funny.
Me: Appreciate the offer, but we’re good. Things are good.
Levi: That’s good. I’m glad you guys are working things out.
Shit. He’d misread my message.
Me: No. Not making things work. Just in a better spot. We just signed divorce paperwork.
The three dots that showed when someone was messaging back danced on the screen for longer than I cared to see. Was he writing an epic novel?
Levi: Okay. See you tomorrow.
I didn’t know what I expected him to say, but when you saw those three dots for so long, you expected something more profound. Frustrated, I didn’t even reply. I picked my book back up and got lost in a made-up world, because currently, it seemed much better than mine.
Chapter Fifteen
I pulled up to the airport and managed to find a spot amongst the chaos of drop-offs and pickups. I usually parked and walked into the airport, waiting until the absolute last second to say goodbye to Parker, but things were different now.
“I guess this is it.” Parker’s hand hovered over the car door handle. He opened the door, and the weight of everything crushed my chest. I hated goodbyes. I hated this goodbye. The finality of it was heart-wrenching.
“Keep in touch?” I questioned, clutching the steering wheel between my hands.
“Yeah. Take care of yourself, Rainey.”
“Keep your head down.”
“I always do.” And with a slam of the door, my husband of the past eight years was gone. I watched him walk away, torturing myself until the absolute last second. I felt like I was losing pieces of myself with each step he took. I’d been wrapped up in him since I was seventeen years old, and now I had to figure out who the hell I was without him. I had no fucking clue.
A slap on my window startled me.
“Move along, please.” An annoying security guard glared at me through the window. I smiled sweetly and pulled away from the curb, away from everything I’d ever known.
***
I was weak when I wanted to be strong. I was soft when I wanted to be fierce. I never knew when an episode would hit me. When all the things I had to be happy for would melt away like snow in the summer. Today was one of the days where nothing could bring me out of the slump.
After leaving the airport, I tried to call Ava, and it went straight to voice mail. That started the downward spiral that was my day.
My own expectations hurt me. The expectation that I was going to be loved and married for the rest of my life. That babies, a house, and a dog were in my near future. My own expectations ruined me.
Maybe that’s why things were easier for those who just flew through lif
e never expecting anything. But I threw myself into life and felt that if I put my all into everything I did, that there was no way life could screw me over. Well, I was wrong.
The thing with depression was that it could be crippling. It’s just not something that lingers in your brain, you could feel in your bones, throughout your skin. It traveled and showed no mercy when it took over. It turned every positive thing in your life into a disaster. It made you forget about everyone who loved and cared for you. It ruined you from the inside out.
I clung to my wet clothes as I sat in the shower; the water had turned cold forever ago. I couldn’t even undress. I was numb. In a daze that I couldn’t get out of. I’d thought I had myself together, that I accepted everything that was happening. I signed the damn divorce papers. I sat in therapy sessions and felt happy.
Depression showed no mercy.
“Rainey? Are you in here? I tried to call you. Your door was unlocked. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” I heard Levi’s voice, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen. Unable to find the words to tell him where I was.
“Rainey? Please answer me.” I heard him drop something on the counter, his footsteps getting louder and louder. I heard a knock at the bathroom door. “Rainey. I’m coming in.”
I looked up just as the door to the bathroom opened. I didn’t even care what he saw, because this was me. The real me. I was scared of what lurked in the ocean. I was scared of losing myself again. I hated fucking pepperoni on my pizza. I was lost. I had been for some time.
“Jesus,” Levi mumbled as he snatched the towel down from where it hung. He turned off the water. Wrapping me up, he took me in his arms.
“Stop. You’ll get all wet,” I whispered.
“Shh. Stop worrying about everyone else for a minute and let me take care of you.” I looked up and straight into his blue eyes. He brushed the matted, wet hair away from my face and smiled down at me. “Let me help you.”
I didn’t want to be helped. I wanted to sit here and wallow in my own misery until my limbs were so cold that I couldn’t feel anything. That would be easier than the disappointment that washed over me. But there was something in Levi’s eyes, something in his voice that made the cold water disappear and warmth travel over me.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Good. Now let’s get you changed and warm, and you can tell me all about what happened.” He stood up from beside me next to the tub. His entire chest was soaked, the shirt he wore clinging to his body.
“I brought pizza.”
My stomach growled at his words. Levi laughed.
“I hope just cheese is okay. I remember you said you didn’t like pepperoni, but I wasn’t sure what you liked.”
Levi helped me out of the tub, and I stopped and stared at him.
“What?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.
I remembered Parker forgetting I hated pepperoni and telling me to pretty much suck it up. It felt awful to have someone who was supposed to know everything about you disregard you. It was something simple, but it still stung.
“You remembered. You listened.” Tears streamed down my face.
“I listen to everything you say, Rainey.” Levi brought me in for a hug, and although he was covered in water, it warmed me.
“I’m sorry he hurt you,” he whispered.
“It wasn’t his fault. It was my own expectations. I expect too much from people.” I wiped away my tears and pulled the towel closer against my body.
The fire in Levi’s eyes startled me. “Stop that. Stop selling yourself short. Your expectations are what they should be. Whatever you want, you need, you desire, you should have. Never expect anything else, and don’t make excuses for what he put you through.”
I had no words after he said that, so I settled for a gentle nod. Levi had come into my life at the worst time. He was seeing me at my worst, and I didn’t know why he was still here. If I were him, I would have run away from the craziness that I was the first day I jumped down his throat. Instead, he pulled me from the depths of my mind and held me when I needed someone the most.
“I’m going to go change. I think Parker left a few things behind in the spare room. You can put something dry on.” I pointed him in the direction he needed to go.
“Thanks.” I watched as he walked down the hall, the wet shirt clinging to his toned back. I took a second to compose myself and get my thoughts as right as I could, and then I went to change.
I opted for something comfortable, a pair of my favorite sweatpants and a T-shirt. Right now, I just wanted to be surrounded by things that were comfortable and didn’t require much effort. My mind was still a bit fuzzy, but Levi had mostly snapped me out of it. At least for now.
I headed into the kitchen to plate the pizza. Levi cleared his throat behind me, and I turned around. He had on a pair of gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt. Huh. I didn’t remember those on Parker. There was something about a man in gray sweatpants. It was like lingerie.
“These are a little big.” Levi spread out his arms and pulled on the waist of the pants.
“Parker’s a muscly guy,” I commented as I turned around and pulled down two plates.
“I’ll still fight him.” Placing the plates on the counter, Levi grinned ear to ear.
That managed to coax a smile out of me. “Let’s eat,” I said.
We sat in silence, eating our pizza. Levi reached over me to grab another slice and grazed my chest with his arm. Nothing could prepare me for how I felt, the excitement that coursed through my body that just minutes before was chilled to the bone. I shivered.
“You’re cold. Want a sweater?” Levi asked.
“I’m fine.” I shoved more pizza in my mouth and tried to focus on anything but what I’d just felt. I was confused, trying to forget my failed marriage, and Levi was here and available. That’s all it was. I need to simmer the hell down before I ruined my life any more than it already was. Our friendship was more important than whatever my libido had in mind. Even if him remembering that I hated pepperoni was sexy as hell.
Chapter Sixteen
I was thankful to be at work. There was nothing like a twelve-hour shift in the chaos that was the ER to make me forget about everything. I stretched, mentally readying myself for work.
“I’m so sorry to hear about you and Parker.” Jean gave me a hug.
“Wow, news travels fast, huh?” I tried to laugh it off, but it bothered me. Now, the solace of my job would become filled with endless I’m sorrys and what happened. This was supposed to be my safe place, my place to escape.
“Well, you aren’t wearing your ring.” Jean glanced down at my ring finger that was bare, except for a faint outline from all the years that my wedding band had been there. I had forgotten I took it off the day Parker told me he had been seeing someone else.
“Right,” I said as Jean and I walked together. I snagged a chart from outside the curtain of the next patient in the ER.
“I know we aren’t really close, but I’m here if you ever want to talk. I got divorced a year ago. It isn’t easy, but you’ll be better for it.” Jean teared up.
“Really?” I realized how little I knew about the people I worked with. Another part of my life I kept my distance from.
“Yeah. We weren’t together as long as you and Parker, but I thought he was my forever. Guess life had other plans.” Jean laughed. “I’m good now. Took a while, but I moved on. I have Craig, and I’m happy. Really happy.”
“That’s good, Jean. I’m happy for you, but I’m not ready to date. The ink hasn’t even dried on my divorce papers yet.”
Jean put her hands on both my shoulders. “I never thought I’d be ready either, but Craig came into my life, and it was perfect.” Her eyes averted to the side as Levi walked down the hall, smiling at me. Jean winked at me before she scurried away, leaving me and the incoming Levi.
“Hey,” I said, clutching the chart in my hand. “I was just about to go in and see this patient.”
“Cool. I just dropped someone off and wanted to see if I could take you out to dinner tonight?” Levi ran his fingers through his hair and shifted from foot to foot. I liked that he was slightly nervous asking me to dinner, because I was nervous too, about everything. The past. The future. Life. I was a walking anxiety attack waiting to happen.
“I’d love to, but I work until 7:00 a.m.” I clutched the chart even tighter, my fingers going numb.
“Oh. That’s cool. No worries, maybe another time.” He shoved his hands in his pockets.
“How about breakfast?” I smiled wide. “I love french toast.”
“Yeah. That sounds good. The diner across the street work?”
“Sounds good, Levi. And thanks for the other night. If you weren’t there....”
“Hey.” He leaned forward and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear that had fallen from my ponytail. “Don’t mention it.”
It was hard not to mention the intimate nature of what we shared that night. He’d held me in my most vulnerable state and didn’t walk away. He showed me more care than my husband of eight years ever did. I wanted to mention it because it meant something to me, more than he’d ever know.
“I’ve got to get going before I get fired. Tomorrow. Breakfast. The diner.” I gave him a thumbs-up before going behind the curtain and getting my shift started. I wasn’t exactly sure what tomorrow would bring, but french toast and coffee? I could look forward to that.
***
I was exhausted. Working twelve hours and heading right to breakfast wasn’t the smartest choice. I wanted to curl up in my bed, pull the curtains tight, and sleep until my shift tonight.
“What are you thinking about?” I opened my eyes, and Levi stared at me, humor dancing in his eyes. “Looks like whatever it is, you’re enjoying.”
“My bed. No offense, this was great, but twelve hours is killer, especially in the ER on a Friday night.” I stuffed another piece of french toast in my mouth.