“It’s okay Keri. I’m fine. I only came because I knew Vince wasn’t going to be here.”
The room suddenly gets very quiet. They all keep glancing back and forth as if trying to decide if they should tell me something. I don’t want to hear my suspicions confirmed about Vincent moving on with his life so I change the subject.
“So how is school going for you two?”
“Great. Although I think Joey could spend more time studying and less time on the football field.”
“You joined the football team?”
“Yeah. I’m pretty good too. I wish you could have come to a game or two this season. I killed it.”
“I guess I really have missed a lot. Sorry. Next year I promise to come down and watch you play.”
By the time I climb into my car, its well after midnight. I start to panic because I just ditched my friends for the past seven hours. It didn’t even seem like that long. I grab my phone out of my purse realizing I had it on silent the entire evening. I check my text messages, surprised to see only one. It’s from Amanda.
Hey girl, no worries. I
know you went to see
Martina. I explained
everything to Asher
and Heather. They
both understand. Take
your time and enjoy
being home. Love ya!
As much as my mother tried to rob me of love, I’m surrounded by it. Engulfed in a sea of adoration, respect and endearment. Being back in this town reminds me more than ever that family isn’t always blood. We choose our family. I’ve been way too self-involved since the break-up. I need to suck it up and deal with Vince. Because allowing myself to miss out on what really matters isn’t fair to the people I love. I make a vow to come back to Milford this summer to confront my past. I mean, let’s be real, I could totally deal with it sooner, I know that. But what’s the rush? I don’t have any plans to come back until then so I will take the next six months to prepare myself. I agree with my own reasoning, thinking it’s a solid plan.
The drive back to Amanda’s house leaves me thinking of all the changes happening in my tiny hometown. Martina has been promoted, Joey is playing football and passing all of his classes and Amanda is in college. My thoughts drift to my mother. I think everyone is capable of change but they have to want it. I wonder if there is anything on this earth that can make her get help and change her hatred for her own flesh and blood. Maybe if she met the right guy, the kind of guy that could make her see what a great daughter she has. But that might be asking for a small miracle.
The next morning or should I say afternoon, the whole gang piles in my tiny car to head out for breakfast. We don’t care that it’s really lunch time because we are headed to the only restaurant that serves breakfast all day long. I was so relieved when Asher and Heather told me how much fun they had getting to know Amanda. Apparently she told them all of my embarrassing stories from first grade on up. I might have even been mad at her, if I didn’t love the fact that I have someone who knows my stories and wants to share them.
“So, what are we going to do after breakfast? Anything fun in this tiny town?” Heather asks me with an expectant look on her face.
“I’ve got the perfect activity. And we are all going. So eat up because you will need your energy.” Amanda groans loudly next to me.
“What? What are we doing?” Asher leans over bumping Amanda’s arm softly.
“Sledding!” I say with a mischievous grin.
Amanda and Heather whine in unison. Asher just grins back at me, his eyes dancing with excitement. I knew this would be right up his alley.
“Oh come on. It’s going to be so much fun! Amanda, we haven’t been since we were kids. I don’t think Asher has ever been. It might be kind of fun to watch him surfing on snow.”
That gets the girls on board. After filling up on protein and carbs, we pay the check and head out to the car. Just as I’m about to walk out the door, an elderly couple walks up on the sidewalk. I decide to be polite and hold the door open for them. I look up and notice my friends waiting by my car with their arms wrapped around their bodies for the person holding the keys. I give an apologetic smile when I notice the expression on Amanda’s face change. All the color leaves her cheeks and she slowly starts shaking her head no back and forth. I let go of the door, stepping away from the building, wanting to find out what is wrong with her.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my ungrateful daughter.” Every part of my body freezes. I can’t move a single muscle as that voice cuts through my flesh, striking my nerves and digging into my bones. I can feel the panic rising from my stomach, shouting its way through my vocal cords, trying to bring up the food I just consumed. I push everything back down, taking several deep breaths until I’m certain I can face her.
“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue, Mags.”
“No, Patricia. I just don’t have anything to say to you.” I still can’t seem to turn around. I close my eyes, silently pleading that she will just leave me alone. That’s when I hear Asher’s voice right next to me.
“Maggie, are you okay?”
“So this is the new guy you’re banging? He’s a looker. Better hold onto to this one.”
“Stop. Right now. I’m not sleeping with him. Not that it is any of your business.”
“I guess you still have that stick shoved up your ass.” I take another deep breath, anger starting to boil just under the surface.
“Asher, can you please take my keys and go start the car for Heather and Amanda?” I look into his eyes, pleading with unspoken words for him to go.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay alone with her?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Please just go. I’ll be there in a minute.” He reluctantly walks toward my car but doesn’t get inside. He tosses the keys to Amanda, then he leans against the side, waiting.
“I don’t know how you do it, Maggie. You get these guys wrapped around your pretty little finger.”
“What is it that you want from me, mother?”
“What do I want from you? I think I’ve been pretty clear in my letters.”
“I wouldn’t know because I haven’t read them.” I don’t know why I tell that little white lie. I didn’t read them, not the last six or seven. But I did read that first one.
“That doesn’t surprise me considering I haven’t heard a peep out of you since you left town. How is college life? If that’s even where you still are.”
“What do you care? Just tell me what you want so we can get this over with.”
“Don’t you dare speak to me that way! I am still your mother and I will smack that nasty little attitude right out of you. I want you to get your ass back here and take care of me! You owe me that much! I put food in your mouth, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. You are the most ungrateful child on this earth, acting as if you don’t owe me a thing! Well, you’ve got another thing coming sister, because I will never leave you alone.”
I didn’t notice that she had inched her body closer to mine. By the end of her rant, her toes are nearly touching mine. I can feel the rage coursing through her veins. The hatred she still feels for me. Everything in my body says to run, to get away before she turns this physical because she always does. It doesn’t matter that we are in a public place. Once her eyes glaze over with fury there is no stopping her. But I don’t listen to the queues, the little nuances of fear that pulse through me, taking me to the edge of panic. Instead, I follow what my mind has imagined over and over for years. I step toward her, closing the gap between our bodies. I lean in ever so slightly and whisper in her ear.
“If you ever come near me again or write me a single word, I will take all of your letters to the police and file charges. I saved each and every one and if the rest are anything like the first, I would say I have a pretty good case for harassment. I will not be the victim anymore. And I don’t owe you a thing.”
Just as the last word leaves my mouth
, I see her hand moving in my peripheral vision. I react on instinct, reaching out and wrapping my fingers around her wrist.
“Haven’t we been through this already? You will never put your hands on me again! Do I make myself clear?” I pull my face back just enough that she can see the look in my eyes. I squeeze her skin until I feel bone, letting all the anger course through my arm and down into my fingertips.
“Maggie, you’re hurting me.” That’s when I see it. Fear. Fear from me.
“As long as we’re clear.”
“I understand completely. You will never hear from me again.”
I slowly release my grip on her arm, allowing blood flow to return to her hand. She backs away from me slowly, with a look of pure astonishment.
“Just so you know, if you get help, if one day you can see me for the daughter I really am instead of hating me, I’ll be here.” She scoffs at my comment as she turns and walks away. I head over to my car, lost in thought.
“Hey Maggie. Are you alright? Things looked pretty tense. Amanda told me that was your mom.”
“Yes it was. Asher, I’m sorry but I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened.”
“I understand. But I am here if you ever want to talk. Okay?”
“Okay.” I climb into the passenger seat since Amanda is sitting in the driver’s side. Asher gets in the backseat with Heather. There is total silence as we sit and stare out the window at the piles of snow. I decide to break the staleness in the air. I will not let that woman ruin my day.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go sledding!”
Chapter Fourteen
After getting everyone bundled up the best we could using old clothes, extra sweaters and three layers of everything, we head to my favorite hill in town, Mount Vernon. Asher is so excited he can barely sit still. Heather and Amanda on the other hand, are less than enthusiastic. I have never been happier that Amanda’s parents rarely throw anything out because we found some old sleds in the garage. We have everything we need.
“I still can’t believe you are making us do this. I hated it when we were kids and I don’t think it’s going to be any different now.”
“Stop being a baby, Amanda. You used to love it and you know it. By the way, where is Tommy? I thought I would see him before the party tomorrow night? Actually, I was kind of hoping I would. I wanted to get that awkward first meeting out of the way.”
“He’s out of town helping a friend. He should be back tomorrow. I can tell him to come by early if you want.”
“Sure. Thanks.”
“So, is this like the biggest hill around? Because it doesn’t look like much.” Asher says while carrying all four sleds up the hill.
“Well, this side is for the kiddies. The other side, death drop, is for us!”
“You are not serious? Are you?” Heather gets a very worried look on her face as we approach the top of the hill.
“Don’t worry Heather. You and me are going down the kiddie side. These two nut jobs can lose a limb if they want.” Leave it to Amanda to put things so eloquently. But she also makes me laugh, so I let her over exaggeration slide.
“Come on Asher. The death drop awaits!”
“Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong!” I bust out laughing, totally caught off guard by his reference.
“You ready big guy? Cause you’re about to have the ride of your life! Watch and learn.”
I grab hold of my long, green plastic sled and take off running. As soon as I pass the top of the hill, I throw my body down onto the thin piece of pliable material, landing hard on my stomach. I weave back and forth through the trees, nearly hitting one as I get closer and closer to the bottom. The speed mixed with the very real danger electrifies me. I haven’t felt this alive in forever. The thin layer between myself and the packed down snow doesn’t offer much in protection. I feel every rock, every loose tree limb laying around and the ice that has formed on top of the ground. But I don’t care because the chill of the wind on my cheeks and tiny particles of snow flying into my eyes doesn’t take away from the feeling of floating on ice. I finally start to slow down as I reach the flat ending to the exhilarating death drop. I look up in time to see Asher flying down the side, heading straight for me.
“Move out of the way! I’m going to hit you!” But before I have any time to react, he comes crashing into me. Somehow I end up on my back with Asher’s warm body pressed up against mine. He looks so worried that I just can’t help myself. I start laughing. Like hysterically laughing.
“Maggie…are you okay? Did I hurt you?” I can’t stop laughing. God this feels good.
“Not at all. This is the best day ever. I forgot how much I love sledding.” Asher gives me a small sigh of disapproval.
“Why on earth you think me slamming into you is funny is beyond me. But I have to admit, that was awesome! Let’s do it again!”
“That’s going to be a little hard to do with you on top of me.”
“Oh right. Sorry.” But instead of climbing off of me, he looks into my eyes searching for something I’m afraid he is never going to see. I can feel the warmth of his breath floating over my lips, our mouths just inches apart. I can’t take the intensity in his eyes, knowing what he is trying to find. I reach over, gathering up as much snow as I can before I plant it right on the back of his neck.
“I can’t believe you just did that. You know what this means don’t you? War!”
I’m so relieved that my distraction worked, although I wish I had thought it through a little more. Asher fights dirty.
“Stop throwing them at my face! That isn’t fair!” I try to shout the words out in anger but my laugh deceives the notion that I’m upset. I pick up another pile of snow quickly shaping it into a ball, and lunge it right at his head. But he ducks down just in the nick of time. My laugh stops abruptly when I realize Heather was standing behind him. I see the melting snow sliding down her cheek. The expression on her face says I’m so dead. It makes me burst out laughing because she is so serious.
“Wilson…you are dead!” I notice Amanda standing next to her. I catch the nod they give each other before trying to run for cover. They both attack me with snowball after snowball. Asher rushes over to my side, trying to share the tree I’m hiding behind.
“Move over. Why are they attacking me? I didn’t do anything to them.”
“You move. Go find your own tree! Or better yet, let’s join forces against them!” For the next half hour, we commence the most epic snowball fight in history. Our clothes are soaked, our bodies frozen solid and our jaws hurt from laughing so hard. Asher and I decide to take one more run down the death drop before heading home to defrost. Amanda and Heather go to warm up the car.
We make it down the hill in record time. Both of us feeling the numbness quickly spreading to every extremity on our bodies. I haven’t had this much fun since Asher took me surfing. Maybe I’m an adrenaline junkie and never knew it before.
“Maggie, that was awesome! I loved every minute of it. You have made me a believer in snow. Maybe we can go when we get back to Michigan?”
“Maybe. I’m glad you liked it. We would have to find an equally dangerous run to go down or we could lose the rush.” I say to him with a small chuckle.
“Danger is my middle name.”
“Okay, okay. Don’t get all corny on me now, Evans.”
“I love it when you use my last name. There is just something so sexy about it.”
That comment stops me in my tracks. What did he just say? But Asher doesn’t stop. He just keeps walking to the car like he didn’t just say what I think he said. Dammit. I knew that boy wasn’t over me. Why do I continue to torture him by remaining friends? I know there isn’t a future for us. Not the kind of future he’s interested in. But maybe, just maybe if I give my heart more time. If I confront Vince this summer, maybe I can try again with Asher. I decide to put that thought on the back burner. No use in fretting over it right now. I choose
to ignore his comment and move on.
After sitting in front of the fireplace for at least an hour, trying to thaw out, I decide a warm shower might help more. As I’m standing under the steady stream of luke warm water, I can’t help but think what my life would be like without Amanda, Heather or Asher. They bring light and laughter into my soul. They are so important to me. I hope we stay connected forever. Even if it’s not like this. Because I know things are going to change after college. We will all go our separate ways.
Everyone is showered and ready to hit the town. I had to explain that the only place that will allow under age college kids is in the next town over. Since everyone knows everyone around here, it’s better to try someplace an hour or two away. I volunteer to be the designated driver since I vowed to never drink again. Amanda and Heather bond over clothes and make-up. I decide to go for a more casual look which they both hate. Just jeans and a comfy, dark brown, over-sized sweater. Asher leans over and whispers in my ear right before we walk out the door.
“I think you look incredible.” Then he does it again. He just walks out the damn door without ever looking back. What is he up to? I might have to avoid him the rest of the night if this is the kind of crap he is trying to pull.
It takes us just under an hour to get to the small bar that sits on the out skirts of Union. I avoid any and all conversation by blaring the music and singing along since Asher insisted on sitting up front. I don’t know what he’s up to and I don’t want to find out. We walk through the heavy metal door, barely escaping the bitterness of the strong winds. The place is full of old timers, sitting at the bar, sipping their beer. I glance over their heads at the pool table in the back. It’s empty. Awesome.
“Who wants to shoot some pool?”
“I’m ready for a rematch, Wilson.” Of course he is. Well he better keep his hands to himself or he is going to find a pool stick shoved…before I can finish my thought, Amanda interrupts me with a round of shots. I asked for hot tea but this being a bar and not the local café, I get stuck with glass of water with no ice. I rack up the balls on the table as I watch my friends down their shots.
Sublime Resistance Page 11