I was about to hang up the phone when I heard him shouting, ‘Wait, wait, I need your address.’
‘Oh yes, sorry.’ I gave it to him and put the receiver down gently, letting out a huge breath of air as I did. I sat for a moment, staring at the phone. My heart was pounding so hard it made me feel dizzy. I wiped my palms on my skirt and walked into the kitchen. Sandy was leaning against the worktop, one leg bent, gently tapping the cupboard door with the toe of her shoe. There was a crooked smile on her face.
‘So, someone looks like the cat who got the cream. I assume you’ve got a date with Mr Motorbike, then?’
‘It would seem so, yes.’ I grinned, unable to hold it back any longer. ‘He’s called Ray, and he’s taking me out tomorrow.’
‘Ooh, exciting. Where are you going?’
‘No idea. He just said up the coast.’
‘You should find out, you know. We don’t know him from Adam; what if he’s a murderer or something?’
‘Oh thanks, Sandy, I feel much less nervous about it now.’
‘Sorry.’ She grinned mischievously and pushed herself away from the worktop and walked towards me, placing her hands firmly on my shoulders so I had no choice but to look her in the eye. ‘Just – I worry about you. You’ve only ever been out with two men, and you’re – well, you’re a bit too trusting, Janny, that’s all. Promise me you’ll be careful.’
I nodded and looked away. ‘I will. I promise.’
Her arms moved round me and she squeezed me in a hug. ‘Good. Now – go home and have a bath – I can hold the fort here. You need to get yourself looking your most beautiful for tomorrow. A girl can’t go out on a first date with wild hair and bushy eyebrows.’
I smiled. I didn’t need telling twice.
‘Thanks, Sandy.’
And that was the last day of my life ‘Before Ray’. Because although I didn’t know it then, the next day would change the course of my life forever.
It was bright and sunny the following morning, which was a relief as I didn’t fancy riding on the back of a motorbike in the rain. I hadn’t slept much thinking about the day to come, and I felt tired but excited as I waited at the front window of the flat, pretending I wasn’t listening for the roar of Ray’s bike. Sandy was pottering around behind me, dishing out pearls of wisdom. I was hardly listening but tried to nod and grunt in the right places.
‘Ring me if you’re worried about anything, promise?’
Uh-huh.
‘Don’t let him take you anywhere secluded.’
Uh-uh.
‘I’m just talking to myself, aren’t I?’
Uh-uh. Silence, and then I realized what she’d said. ‘Oh sorry, Sandy. I’m just nervous.’
She smiled. ‘I know. But don’t be. You’ll be fine. He’ll love you – why wouldn’t he?’
‘Thanks.’
The sound of an engine in the lane outside made us both jump, and I felt my face flush. I peered through the window and watched as Ray pulled his helmet from his head and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked so handsome, my heart skipped a beat. It was hard to believe that someone like him – dark, handsome and mysterious – could like someone like me, an ordinary girl who worked in a clothes shop in a small seaside town. I prayed I wasn’t about to mess it up, make him realize he’d made a big mistake, taking me out.
‘Right, this is it, then. I’ll see you later.’
I pecked Sandy on the cheek and ran down the stairs, my bag across my chest, and flung open the front door. Ray was sitting astride his bike, his helmet in his hands, another helmet in front of him. He cut the engine so I could hear him speak.
‘I brought you a helmet this time – thought we’d better be safe today.’
‘Thank you.’
He looked me up and down, his eyes appraising. ‘You look great.’
My face burned. I’d spent ages deciding what to wear, of course – what girl wouldn’t? But I didn’t really have a clue what you were supposed to wear for a date on a motorbike. I’d decided on cropped trousers, pumps and a jumper, and hoped I’d be warm enough as we zipped along the country lanes.
‘Thank you.’ I took a moment to look at him properly too. He looked more handsome than I remembered, and his face was clean-shaven as though he’d made an effort for me. His hair was slicked back neatly, although the helmet had ruffled it a bit, and his dark eyes watched me intently. ‘You too.’ Not exactly smooth, but I couldn’t tell him how I really felt.
He chuckled and I took the helmet from him and placed it on my head. I couldn’t seem to get it done up, though, and he reached over to help me with the strap. As his hands brushed my chin I almost gasped at his touch, and I was sure he must have been able to feel the heat of my skin burning him. He clipped it shut and smiled. ‘There. You’re safe now.’ He nodded to the back of the bike. ‘Want to climb on board?’
I nodded dumbly, unable to get any words out, and slung my leg over the back of the seat. I was almost shaking at the thought of being so close to him again and I knew I needed to speak to break the tension.
‘Where – where are we going?’ My voice wobbled and I prayed he didn’t notice.
‘It’s such a beautiful day I thought we’d just drive along the coast, see where it takes us. I don’t know it very well round here yet, it’ll be nice to explore a bit.’ I didn’t tell him I knew the north Norfolk coast as well as I knew my own flat; I didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm, so I just nodded and smiled. He smiled back. ‘Then maybe we can stop for lunch somewhere, get to know each other a bit better too.’ He twisted round to look at me but I couldn’t make out the look in his eyes. ‘Sound OK?’
I shivered at the suggestiveness of his tone, and at the thought of getting to know him better, then felt myself blushing again. ‘Yes, perfect.’
He turned back round and I put my hands on his waist, not sure what to do with myself.
‘You’ll need to get closer than that,’ he shouted, as he started the engine. ‘Wrap your arms right round my waist and squeeze in as tight as you can. I won’t bite.’
My heart almost thumped out of my chest as I did as I was told. My arms snaked round his waist and found his stomach and I shuffled forward until my chest was pushed hard against his back. I could feel the joints of his spine as he moved, his muscles tense and firm. I’m surprised I didn’t faint and fall off before we even started, to be honest, but I managed to keep it together.
Then we were off! We pulled slowly out of the little lane and onto the road towards the sea. For the first few minutes all I could think about was how close Ray’s body was to mine. But as we made our way towards the seafront, I noticed people meandering along eating candyfloss on sticks, children carrying buckets and spades, and dads with pasty legs poking out from socks and sandals. Slowly I started to relax. The usually grey North Sea sparkled in the sunshine, the electric blue of the sky reflected back on itself, the sun twinkling off the waves like stars. A tiny red ship sailed lazily across the horizon way in the distance, while close by the beach filled up with bodies desperate for a bit of warmth, layers of reserve being stripped away with every degree the temperature climbed. The breeze was cool through my jumper, but I felt warm behind Ray.
We started to climb the hill out of town, past caravan parks and rows of gorse bushes, up and down and winding round through tiny villages, past stone cottages and oversized churches, until the landscape slowly started to change, flattening out to reveal acres of marshes dotted with reeds, reaching as far as the eye could see all the way down to meet the waves.
We carried on for several more miles and my legs started to go numb. Just as I thought I was going to have to ask Ray to stop, we reached the little resort of Wells Next the Sea, a place I loved where I had spent many a happy weekend. It was busy in the sunshine as we approached the seafront, with people milling all over the road, carrying chips wrapped in newspaper, rolled-up mats, bags of towels. Ray pulled over and squeezed his bike into a small space between two
cars on the side of the road. When he cut the engine the silence was surprising, and the sudden change made me feel shy again about being so close to him. I jumped off as though I’d been electrocuted.
‘You’re in a hurry.’ He grinned and I watched the dimples form in his cheeks again.
‘Sorry.’ I handed him the helmet, wondering why I always felt the need to apologize for everything.
‘I thought we’d take a walk along here and find somewhere for lunch, what do you think?’
‘I think that sounds great.’
He stashed the helmets under the bike and we set off along the seafront, the waves more gentle than usual but the breeze still stiff. A boat chugged towards the horizon and seagulls flapped high above our heads, answering each other’s squawks and calls. I loved being by the sea: the sounds, the smell, the feel of the fresh sea air in my lungs. It was where I grew up and it felt like home, as though it were calling to something in my soul. I couldn’t ever imagine living somewhere else, somewhere where you couldn’t hear the squawk of the seagulls as you lay in bed, or look out of the window and see the thundery storms whipping the waves into a frenzy, hammering angrily into the cliff edge during the long winter months. Days like this were my favourite, though, with a gentle breeze, sunshine, fluffy clouds scudding across the horizon far out to sea in a rare bright-blue sky. You didn’t get much better than this. I wondered whether it had the same effect on Ray.
I was distracted from the sea, though, by Ray taking my hand, which made my whole body shudder. For a minute all I could think about was the warmth of his palm against mine and I walked stiffly behind him. I wasn’t used to someone so sure of himself. Dates were usually much more fumbly and awkward than this, hand-holding taking much longer to reach than someone just grabbing it. But I liked it. I moved level with him and gripped his hand firmly back, as though it was a perfectly normal thing to do.
‘So, what do you do?’ He glanced at me as we walked hand in hand. I was finding it hard to focus on anything other than how close to me Ray was.
‘Do?’
‘You know, as a job. Work.’
‘Oh, right. Well, I work in a clothes shop, in town. That’s the number I gave you, at the shop.’
‘And do you like it?’
I nodded. ‘Mostly. But – well, it’s not my dream job.’
From the corner of my eye I could see his head turn to look at me but I kept looking ahead. ‘So what is your dream?’
‘My dream?’ I was starting to sound like a parrot.
‘You know. What would you do if you could do anything at all in the world?’
‘Oh. I don’t really know.’
‘Come on, everyone has a dream. You must want to do something?’
I did, as it happened, but I’d never told anyone about it because I knew it sounded too silly, fanciful. I didn’t want to let Ray down, though; I wanted to seem interesting, more exciting than just boring old Jan who works in a shop. More like someone he’d be drawn to. So I told him.
‘I’d love to design clothes.’
‘Really? That’s cool.’
I felt myself flush at his approval. ‘I’ve always loved making things, sewing, mending – I made these trousers. But it’s not a career, not for someone like me.’
‘Someone like you? What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Well, you know,’ I shrugged. ‘Someone normal. I – I don’t have any parents, they died when I was little, so – well, it’s just me now, and I need to earn money. I can’t risk it.’
A beat of silence followed my little speech before Ray spoke again. I was too busy wondering where that had all come from to wonder what he thought of me. I never spoke like that to anyone: what was it about Ray that made me open up like this? I hardly even knew him.
‘You should never say that. Anyone can do anything if they really want it. You could definitely be a designer. Why not?’
I shrugged again, aware half my conversation was taking place via my shoulders. We walked along the promenade in silence for a few moments; a little girl flew past on her bike, pigtails blowing behind her, dress flapping in the breeze, her feet off the pedals. A small boy ran past chasing a seagull, his parents shouting after him to stop, his sandals slapping on the promenade. Everywhere people were getting on with their lives. But all I could think about was the warmth of Ray’s hand against mine.
I cleared my throat, desperate to take the attention away from me. ‘So, what about you? What do you do?’
‘Me? Oh, I – not much, really.’
I frowned. He’d been so adamant about me doing something meaningful; why was he being so evasive now?
‘You must do something?’
‘Well, I play bass guitar in a band, and apart from that I’m just sort of – between jobs. You know. Looking for something. But I’m – I’m in sales. You know, usually.’
I felt my heart flutter slightly at the mention of a band. It was such a cliché but it felt so cool, so unlike my life. I couldn’t help wondering once again what he saw in me.
I wanted to ask him so many more questions, to know all about him. But it was the first time I’d seen Ray looking flustered and I couldn’t help wondering why. Was there something he was trying to hide? I didn’t have time to think too hard about it, though, because just then he stopped in his tracks and my arm jerked back hard in its socket. I stopped and turned to look at him. His face was serious and my heart thumped.
‘What—’ But before I could get any more words out he stepped towards me and planted his lips firmly on mine. They were warm and tasted slightly sweet, and as his tongue gently parted my lips my whole body shivered. His hand was on the small of my back, pulling me closer, and for the first time in my life I didn’t care that I was standing in the middle of a busy place, people passing on every side, kissing someone. I couldn’t care about anything else but me and Ray.
I have no idea how long the kiss lasted. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours. But when he pulled away he kept his face near mine and lifted my chin with his hand.
‘I guess that was OK, then?’
‘I—’ My voice caught in my throat. ‘Yes. Yes, it was very much OK.’
He looked at me for a few more seconds and I felt as though he could see inside my head, know what I was thinking. Know that I was thinking of nothing but him. My face burned. And then he grabbed my hand again and pulled me along next to him, past a little cafe with a thatched roof, past the kiosks selling ice cream and candyfloss, and across the road to a pub facing the mudflats. It was dark inside and he led me to an even darker corner where we sat staring at each other across the sticky wooden tabletop. ‘Yesterday Once More’ by the Carpenters drifted across from the jukebox.
‘Right, I’ll order some sandwiches, and what would you like to drink?’
I’d never really drunk during the day and wasn’t sure what to say. ‘Er, half an ale please.’
‘Coming up, ma’am.’ He did a little bow then disappeared towards the bar, leaving me alone for a few minutes. My head was all over the place, thoughts racing around it like cars on a track. But each one was of him. I pinned one down; the memory of his lips on mine, the softness with which he kissed me, so at odds with his mysterious, sexy persona. It made me want to know more about the man behind the dark, sultry eyes. I shivered as Ray came back with the drinks and sat down opposite me again, spilling some of his pint onto the table.
‘So. Tell me some more, then.’ I watched his lips as he spoke, those lips that only minutes ago had been on mine, and in my mind I dared myself to lean over and kiss them again, or reach up and stroke my fingers across them. But I wasn’t brave enough and instead I sat and told him all about myself.
‘Well, my dad died when I was a baby. It was just me and mum, for years. She was my best friend, we did everything together. But then when I was twelve she was diagnosed with cancer.’ I paused, took a deep breath, remembering. ‘She died a few months later.’
‘Oh no
.’ I looked up and saw Ray’s eyes boring directly into mine, his gaze intense.
‘She – I missed her so much. It felt as though my heart had been torn out of my chest. But I went to live with my grandmother, my mum’s mum. We didn’t get on. She obviously didn’t think it was her job to look after me, and I always felt as though she resented me being there, so the minute I was old enough to leave, at sixteen, I did. I left school, got a job and found a flat, with Sandy. She’s my best friend, we met at work.’
I stopped, aware I’d been talking for ages and hadn’t even paused to ask him a single question. But when I looked at him, he was studying me earnestly, making me feel as though I was the most interesting woman in the world. As though nothing else mattered but me and him, here and now.
‘So, that’s me, in a nutshell. What about you?’
‘Oh, you know. There’s not much to tell. I’m not working at the moment. Parents live in London but I never see them.’
‘Why did you move up here? Seems a weird place to come, out of the blue.’
He shrugged, his jacket riding up his neck as he did. ‘Just – needed a change, I suppose. Get away from London. Start afresh.’ He tipped his head back and finished off the dregs of his pint then placed it firmly back on the table. I longed to ask him what he needed to get away from but it was clear our conversation was over. Our sandwiches arrived and we ate, then left; he drove me home, back along the coast road, and back to my flat. Having refused my offer of a cup of tea, he arranged to pick me up to go to the cinema on Friday before getting back on his bike and disappearing into the darkening evening, leaving me standing there with a ridiculous smile on my face.
I went back in and told Sandy all about it.
‘I really like him, Sandy.’
‘You don’t say,’ she said, grinning at me. ‘Just promise me you’ll be careful?’
‘I will, I swear,’ I agreed.
It wasn’t until later that night, as I was lying in my bed unable to sleep, my mind filled with memories of our date and that amazing kiss, that I realized Ray hadn’t told me anything about his life at all. All I knew was that he didn’t have a job (at the moment), that he’d needed to get away from London for a reason that he didn’t seem to want to tell me, that he played bass guitar in a band, and that he rode a motorbike – which wasn’t much more than I’d known before I went out with him.
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