As we approached the hall we could hear snippets of Al Green’s ‘So Tired of Being Alone’ pouring through the doors every time they opened and I could feel my heart start to race. I was here, holding Ray’s hand, and I had never felt happier in my life. And as we walked through the doors I thought I was going to burst with happiness as all eyes were on us, wondering who these strange men were.
We bought drinks and settled at the tables that lined the room. I noticed as we sat that Mal had placed himself next to Sandy and I hoped it was deliberate. I grinned at Ray next to me, who placed his hand on my knee under the table. His hand felt warm on my skin, and I shivered as he moved it slowly towards the hem of my skirt.
He leaned towards me, his breath warm against my ear.
‘Is this OK?’
I nodded. I felt faint, as though I was going to fall off the plastic chair, as he slipped his hand under the hem and towards my knickers. I couldn’t breathe, and my head whirled as he nuzzled my neck with his lips and inched his fingers up so slowly. My heart hammered and for a few moments it was just me and Ray and nobody else in the room, and I was desperate for him.
But then as quickly as he had started he stopped, pulling his hand back down my leg to my knee and moving his lips away from my neck. I felt bereft and I looked over at him questioningly.
‘Not here,’ he mouthed, and despite my crushing disappointment, despite the fact my whole body was singing out for him, I knew he was right. I wanted the first time we got properly intimate to be special, not a quick fumble under the table in the village hall. I shifted my knee away from his hand and stood. ‘Shall we dance?’
He took my hand and stood and gave a little bow. ‘Of course.’
And as we swayed on the almost-empty dance floor to ‘My Cherie Amour’ by Stevie Wonder, for the first time in my life I didn’t feel embarrassed that everyone could see me. As we spun around on the polished wooden floor I watched my friends laughing and joking at the side of the dance floor, the light that spilled from the bar area, and I felt so happy with the weight of Ray’s arms wrapped round me. I watched as Sandy and Mal stood and walked onto the dance floor next to us, and I smiled, then rested my head on Ray’s shoulder and drifted off to the music.
Hours later, as everyone was sweaty and dancing to the Rolling Stones, Ray grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the front doors. As they swung shut behind us and the cool night air hit us I gasped in shock, and Ray wrapped his leather jacket round my shoulders and planted a kiss on my lips.
‘We need to get out of here.’
I nodded. I knew what he meant. I’d been desperate for him to touch me all night, and now that Sandy was busy dancing with Mal we knew we had at least a couple of hours before she’d be home.
‘Let’s go.’ I grabbed his hand tightly and towed him behind me all the way along the seafront and back to my flat. We stumbled up the stairs and into my bedroom and the second the door closed we were tearing at each other’s clothes, pulling off skirts and shirts, tugging on the too-tight jeans that stubbornly refused to slip off. I giggled as Ray sat on the bed fumbling with them in frustration.
‘God, sorry, Jan, this wasn’t part of the seduction plan.’ He grinned sheepishly and as he finally wrenched the jeans free from his ankles he stood and pushed me onto the bed, jumping on top of me. I felt as though my body would burst as he planted kisses on my neck, my shoulders, and down across my body. I’d always hoped the first time would be amazing and I knew that, with Ray, it was going to be.
He was the one.
He was mine.
And that night, I gave myself to him completely.
7
June–July 1976
Six months passed in a blur of happiness.
I was a regular fixture at his gigs, and we went on double dates with Sandy and Mal who were spending more and more time together. I was glad she seemed to have found love too, and it made me feel less guilty that I was leaving her behind for Ray. We went out on Ray’s motorbike; we went to parties, swigging back bottles of beer, eating chips on the beach. I couldn’t imagine anything changing. Ever.
But of course it had to. It always does.
Because I had some news for Ray, and I had absolutely no idea how he was going to take it. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it myself, and I didn’t know how to break it to him. So in the end I just blurted it out one morning over breakfast.
‘Ray, I’m pregnant.’
He stared at me across the Formica table in mine and Sandy’s kitchen, which was scattered with the crumbs of breakfast, as though trying to find another meaning to what I’d just said. My heart just thumped on and my hands shook uncontrollably, and I didn’t dare look him in the eye, scared of what I was going to see there. I was terrified I was going to lose him to these three little words. After all, a baby hardly fitted into his life, did it? Into our lives, I mean. I hadn’t even come to terms with it myself. I was only nineteen.
I waited, watching as he blew smoke from his nose and stubbed out the end of his cigarette on the edge of a crumb-covered plate. His face was a mask.
‘Are you sure?’ His words were slow and measured, his tone unreadable.
I nodded. ‘Fairly sure.’
‘How sure?’
I swallowed down the lump in my throat, desperate not to cry in front of him. ‘Sure.’
He nodded and pushed his hand through his hair. Bits stuck out wildly, giving him a crazed look, and his eyes darted round the room, looking at everything apart from me. He didn’t speak for so long I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to say anything again, so I spoke first.
‘Ray? Is – is this OK?’ My voice sounded wobbly and I hoped he didn’t notice.
Finally his gaze settled just behind my left shoulder, out of the window towards the sea. He still didn’t speak and I wondered whether he’d heard me.
But then his eyes met mine and I gasped. There was a look in his eyes that I’d never seen before. A mixture of hurt and confusion and – rage. I almost didn’t recognize him and I had no idea what to say. From the moment we’d met I’d always been scared that he’d realize I was nothing special after all, that I was just boring old Jan from Cromer, and walk out and leave me. But now, for the first time, I was truly terrified that that was about to happen.
My heart almost leapt out of my throat when he pushed the chair back with a loud scrape and stood, his shoulders filling the space in the small room, making the air feel thick and heavy.
‘I—’ He stopped, looked at his feet. I waited for him to speak again. ‘I’m sorry, Jan. This is – this has come as a bit of a shock. I—’ He stopped, ran his hand through his hair again. It was as though he could hardly bear to look at me.
‘It’s a shock for me too.’ My voice was small and I hated myself for sounding so pathetic. I needed him to realize he needed me, not think of me as needy. ‘Can we – talk about it?’
He took a sharp intake of breath and let it out in a huge puff, then rested his hands on the table. He looked defeated.
‘Can we – do you mind if we talk about it later? I just need a bit of time. To think. Alone.’
‘OK. Yes. Course.’
‘Thanks, Jan. Right, see you later, then.’ He looked at me one last time, then turned and walked out of the room. I listened to his heavy footsteps hammering down the stairs, then to the sound of the door opening and shutting. Then I stood and watched out of the window as he jumped onto his bike, revved it up and sped away as fast as he could down the road. He didn’t look back at me once and, despite being determined not to cry, I felt tears prick my eyes and start to run down my face.
That hadn’t gone well.
I sat back down on the chair with a thump and let the tears flow. What if I’d lost him already? What if he left me alone to cope with this? I wasn’t sure I could do it. My hand found my tummy, which, if you were looking for it, had a slight swell to it. Otherwise, you would never know there was anything in there.
‘It looks as though it’s just you and me against the world, then, little one,’ I whispered through my tears.
I must have fallen asleep because when I woke the sun was high in the sky and I was lying on my bed on top of the sheets. It smelt of Ray, of shampoo and cigarette smoke and something else, something familiar yet indescribable. I took a deep breath and stretched my body along the bed, feeling the tension release.
And then, like a meteor, the memory of what had happened when I’d tried to talk to Ray earlier came crashing down and almost crushed me, taking my breath away.
I sat up and looked round the room for clues that Ray might have come back while I was asleep. But there was nothing, and the flat was completely silent. Sandy was at work and I desperately wanted to go and find her and tell her what had happened. I hadn’t even told her I was pregnant yet as I’d been determined to tell Ray first, but I knew she’d know what to do. She always did. But now I’d have to wait until she got home.
I climbed off the bed and walked into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, then sat by the window where I’d watched Ray zoom away from me earlier, and sipped the tea as I stared out towards the sea. It sparkled in the bright sunshine like jewels, and normally the sight of it made my heart swell with happiness. Today, though, it was as if it was taunting me, mocking my misery.
Every now and then I glanced back down at the lane in the hope that I’d see Ray pulling back into it on his motorbike, coming to say he was sorry and that everything was going to be all right. That he’d stick by me, and we’d be happy forever.
But there was no sign of him.
For the rest of the day I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to go out in case Ray came back, and there wasn’t much to do indoors. So I sat and listened to the radio, drank tea and chain-smoked until there was a dull fog hanging over the flat, and I stared out of the window feeling utterly miserable as the baking sun poured through the glass, turning the place into a furnace.
And then, as the sun finally started to drop behind the buildings opposite, casting shadows across the lane and into the corners of our kitchen, a miracle happened.
There was a knock at the door, more of a hammering, and with a pounding heart I ran down the stairs to answer it. And there, like the answer to my prayers, was Ray.
I hadn’t heard his motorbike approach and when I looked down the road it wasn’t there. He must have seen my confusion. ‘I’ve had a couple of drinks.’ His words were slightly slurred and when I looked at him more closely I could see his eyes were glazed over as well. ‘Left the bike, got a lift.’
He stumbled towards me and I took his arm and led him up the stairs to the kitchen. Up close I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and stale smoke mixed with the smells of other people’s aftershave and perfume. I tried not to think about where he’d been and with whom. All that mattered was that he was here now, back with me.
We sat down on the chairs we’d left a few hours before when I’d broken the news to him about the baby. For a few moments he didn’t speak, just looked at me until I started to feel uncomfortable, a lopsided smile on his face.
I didn’t know what to say so I waited for him to speak. It seemed to take forever but finally he made a noise.
‘What was that?’
He tried again. ‘I’m really sorry, Jan. I love you.’
It might sound pathetic, but it was all I needed to hear. I sprang up and threw my arms around him, almost tipping him off his chair onto the floor. His arms closed round my back and he sat there, swaying slightly, for a few minutes, until I realized that he was starting to fall asleep. I climbed off him and pulled him from the chair and half dragged him to my bedroom, where I tugged off his leather jacket and T-shirt, yanked his jeans off his legs and pushed him back onto the bed, pulling the sheet up tight round his neck. And then, not wanting to have to face Sandy and tell her what had happened, I climbed into bed next to him even though it was still early, curled my body round the curve of Ray’s warm back and fell asleep.
The good weather had broken by the time we woke up the next morning and the open curtains revealed a grey sky, full of anger. It felt like a reflection of Ray’s mood too, as he woke like a bear with a sore head.
I brought him a coffee, still managing to avoid Sandy in the kitchen, and put it carefully on the table next to the bed. I sat down next to him and waited for him to sit up. For some reason I felt shy with him this morning. Perhaps it was because I didn’t know what he was going to say.
‘I feel bloody terrible.’ He wiped his arm across his mouth and grimaced. ‘Mouth’s dry as a dry thing.’
I picked up the coffee cup and handed it to him wordlessly and he took a gulp and plonked it back down on the table.
‘Thanks.’ It was more of a grunt than a word, but I let it slide.
We sat there for a few moments listening to the wind whistling down the lane and making the ancient windows rattle in their frames. Squally rain whipped past horizontally, landing in fine spots on the smeary glass.
Through the door I could hear Sandy up and about, clattering cups and plates in the kitchen, the sound of Brotherhood of Man’s ‘Save Your Kisses For Me’ on the radio and Sandy’s voice singing along. I tried to block her out and concentrate on what was happening in the room right now. I took a deep breath.
‘So.’
Ray looked at me, his lips curled in a wonky smile. He shrugged. ‘So.’
I didn’t want to push him, so I waited. Eventually he spoke again.
‘Look, I’m really sorry, OK. I’m sorry about last night, and I’m sorry for walking off and leaving you. I just—’ He paused, and sighed. ‘I wasn’t ready for this. I’m still not. It’s a bit of a shock.’
‘I know. But you’re not the only one, Ray. It’s not exactly what I was expecting either.’
‘I know.’
He sighed and turned his gaze towards the window. I had to ask him something, even if I didn’t really want to know the answer.
‘So – is that it, then? You’re not leaving me?’
His head snapped round and he leaned towards me, rumpling the covers and gripping my upper arms tightly.
‘Of course I’m not going to leave you, Janny. You must never think that. I just—’ He stopped, sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. ‘I’m so sorry if you thought that’s what this was all about. It’s not. Not at all. It’s just – this is such a big deal. It’s going to take some getting used to, that’s all.’
‘You’re telling me.’ I gave him a wry smile and he smiled back. ‘And listen, Ray. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Neither of us did. We’re having fun, we’re still young. But to be honest – well, I’m glad it’s happened, in a way.’
He frowned. ‘Glad?’
I nodded. ‘Yes. It’s a baby, Ray. Mine and yours. It can only be a good thing, can’t it?’
He shrugged. ‘Yes, I suppose so.’
I stepped towards him so he had to look at me. ‘It will all be all right, I promise.’
He stood still for a moment, not giving anything away. And then he nodded. ‘You’re right. This will be a good thing. For both of us.’
His voice sounded uncertain but I was sure that was just the shock. I hoped that once he’d got used to the idea, he’d realize it was meant to be. To bring us closer together. To keep us together forever.
He pushed the covers off and revealed his slim, tanned body in just his pants and I couldn’t help it, a shiver went down my spine at the sight of him almost naked.
‘What are you grinning at?’
I tore my eyes away and smiled sheepishly. ‘Oh, nothing.’ I could feel my face flaming and I hated that I felt so self-conscious round Ray all of a sudden.
‘Come here, you.’ His arms were held wide and I lay down in them and snuggled into his body, breathing in the scent of his skin. I felt so happy, so relieved that he was back here with me again that I didn’t car
e what the future held right then. Because if we were together, then everything was going to be OK. I just knew it.
I was right. For a while, at least. Later that day we got up and went for a walk along the seafront, hoods pulled tight round our faces to keep out the wet wind, and stood at the sea wall watching the murky North Sea swirl and dip, the white tips of the waves gathering in a swell of anger before crashing down wildly onto the beach. It was hard to see where the sea ended and the sky began through the blur of grey, and the clouds moved quickly across the horizon, one indistinguishable from the next. As we stood there, staring out to sea, hands linked, something about the day felt like the beginning of a new chapter.
Soaked to the skin, we ducked into a cafe, where the windows were steamed up so that outside became nothing more than a blur, a backdrop to the life going on inside. We sat at a table and ordered hot chocolate and scones, and while we waited we held hands across the table. I grinned happily and he smiled back. The smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing.’
He pulled his hands away from mine and laid them on the table in front of him, his fingers linked, then he looked at me with a serious face.
‘We should get married.’
‘What?’
‘Me and you. We should get married. Do the right thing.’
It wasn’t the most romantic proposal in the world but after everything that had happened I wasn’t about to turn him down.
‘Are you serious?’
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