by Candy Guard
–20–
It’s 11 a.m. on the day of the hen and stag ‘nights’. The hens are all gathered together waiting for Cousin Amelia t0 arrive. She has a very busy morning for an 8-year-old on a Saturday. Lessons in clarinet, ballet, tap, karate and Mandarin.
* Mandarin translation: To be honest, Auntie Sue, I don’t like this sandwich.
** French translation: To be honest, I’d prefer Michel Roux Junior.
*** Censored.
Brittainee is all dressed up. She even has a dressy brace covered in crystals on her teeth, and she keeps it at Jay . . .
. . . who has never looked so KEEN to go tree hugging, though I can’t help noticing he keeps going pink.
As well as the diamond-effect brace, Brittainee has done her hair all . . .
It’s because she thinks we’re doing the things SHE suggested for the hen night – well we are, but on the cheap. On the VERY cheap.
First of all we blindfolded Mum and put her on the bus.
Then we got to the ‘Hamburger joint’ and Brittainee immediately cheered up.
Brittainee had been in a mood all morning but McDonald’s was the only place in Boxford, Europe she hadn’t said sucked.
Then we did in the shopping centre which Mum really enjoyed because we spent too long in Claire’s Accessories clogging up the pathways and not buying anything. The sales assistant said,
Brittainee had gone back in her ‘this moll sucks’ mood and Grarol had joined her now the relief at not having to pay for anything had worn off.
Cousin Amelia missed this bit out.
* Latin translation: I have to learn my verbs for my Latin spelling bee.
But she was back for the pool partly doing lengths because she had a swim meet the next week.
Mum had a whale of a time and was dead chuffed because she got called a girl again.
Grarol and Brittainee sat on the edge complaining that their and would run and get ruined.
Then it was back for DVDs and a sleepover in the shed. Brittainee insisted that we watch a gross-out movie
that only she laughed at.
Then she fell asleep and we all went to sleep in my room because she was snoring so .
As we walked into the house, the stags were in the kitchen being very and trying on the bridesmaids’ dresses, and Jay even had Mum’s meringue on – Mum went berserk!
But not as berserk as she went when she realised that Julian wasn’t among them.
Brittainee had sloped in at that point, yawning.
While the rest of us gathered together torches and bottles of water, Jay went very tired and a bit ill (his usual reaction to any kind of chore).
‘That search party idea sucks,’ Brittainee said. ‘I’ll stay here with you, Jay. We can watch a date movie.’
Jay was up.
‘Give me the map.’
‘Is everything OK, Mrs Rowntree?’
It was Sandy, from a rehearsal in the garage.
Brittainee up.
‘Oh Sandee! Julian’s gone missing in a forest and we need to search for him.’
‘Do you want me to help look for him, Mrs Rowntree?’ Sandy asked, smiling politely at Brittainee.
‘Oh, yes please, Sandy, you’re an angel.’
‘I’ll go in Sandy’s team!’ Brittainee cried. ‘I bet he’ll find Julian first.’
‘Actually,’ Jay said, snatching the map, ‘I’m very good at orienteering.’
Brittainee flashed him a metallic ,
‘No you’re not!’
‘I am! I did it in Cubs.’
Everyone laughed. It was quite hard to take Jay seriously, especially when he was wearing Mum’s wedding dress.
Mum suddenly noticed that someone had eaten a slice of the wedding cake.
Jay went very .
‘Jay! You todal dork!’ Brittainee screeched, and then cooed to Sandy, ‘C’m’on Sandy, let’s get in the car.’
Jay went , then a bit white with a tinge of green.
If I didn’t know better I would’ve said he was a bit jealous of Brittainee’s attentions towards Sandy. Maybe he was human after all and wanted Brittainee now she was unobtainable.
–21–
were two cars going to Epping Forest – Mum’s, and Dot and Alan’s.
Sandy hurried into the back of Dot’s car, concerned about Julian. Brittainee pushed herself forward, concerned about sitting next to Sandy; I pushed into the seat the other side of Sandy, and Jay pushed into the seat the other side of Brittainee.
As we set off, mine and Sandy’s knees were pressing together, which made it impossible to relax my leg and it felt like it was .
But then he suddenly jerked his leg away and I felt all rejected. Don’t be silly, I told myself, but as it was me saying it to me it didn’t really help.
When we got to Epping Forest and to the tree that Julian had been ‘attached’ to, all that was left of him was some bits of .
‘Right, get into three small groups!’ Mum shouted, holding back the tears. ‘If we don’t find him I will have to get married to a cardboard cut-out!’
I stood near Sandy (not ) at him, of course).
‘OK, Sandy . . .’ Mum began.
‘Jelly wants to go with Sandy!’ Myf yelled.
‘I’m sure she doesn’t,’ Sandy laughed.
‘No, I, er, ooh . . .’ I stuttered.
‘I wanna go with Sandy!’ Brittainee shouted.
‘Oh, well, I . . .’ Sandy stammered.
‘Me too!’ Jay cried.
‘C’m’on, Sandy, let’s go this way – it looks all private and dark!’ Brittainee whispered to Sandy.
‘Hold on a minute!’ Myf called. ‘We’re coming with you, aren’t we, Jells!’
The teams all going off in different directions to search for Julian were:
1. Me, Myf, Brittainee and Sandy.
2. Mum, Jay and Fatty.
3. Dot, Alan and Roobs.
In our group Brittainee was now pretending to be weedy and scared to get Sandy’s attention.
I had absolutely no personality because I was with nerves (I don’t know why! I mean Sandy’s got a ! Not that I would care if he didn’t!).
I don’t know how to just go and get something I want. I’m I won’t get it, so I don’t bother.
Sandy was being polite and gentlemanly so Myf became the leader – even I let her!
She kept saying:
And we all followed, Brittainee clinging on to Sandy and calling ‘Julian!’ in a high voice, with me bumping into trees and tripping over twigs trying to what was going on. Was he just being polite, or did he actually *like* Brittainee???
I heard her say, ‘This forest sucks,’ and Sandy laughed. At her, with her, or because he found her cute? I just couldn’t tell.
It was getting VERY dark and Brittainee kept pushing branches away and then thwacking them in my face.
Myf continued to lead us, shouting, ‘This way!’, ‘Through this bush!’, ‘Down here!’, ‘Up here!
‘What’s this?’ Brittainee demanded.
‘A golf course!’ I yelled. ‘For crying out loud, Myf! Give me the map, you idiot! We’ve come miles the way!’
When I looked up from the map Brittainee and Sandy had .
Myf and I stood looking round . . . Myf started shouting,
‘Shhh,’ I told her, and pointed to a sandpit. Myf and I crept across the grass.
. . . we heard Brittainee say, ‘I know you want me, Sandy.’
We looked down. She had managed to ‘fall’ into the sandpit with Sandy.
‘Er . . .’ Sandy said, trying to escape her clutches.
‘The thing is, Brittainee,’ Sandy explained politely, ‘you’re a very . . . nice . . . girl, but I’m taken.’
‘Too bad, I don’t care if you’ve got a girlfriend.’
‘I haven’t got a girlfriend. But I like someone else. I like–’
‘JELLEEEEEEEEEEE!’
Brittainee jumped out of her skin and fell backwards into the sand.
It was Julian towards the edge of the sandpit, his sleeves trailing about 20 metres behind him, calling.
‘Jelleeee! Sandeeee! Myfanweeeee!’ (and less enthusiastically), ‘Brittaineee!’
Sandy stood up.
. . . Julian cried dramatically and threw his sleeves down into the sandpit to help Sandy up. We all gathered round Julian to see if he was OK.
‘Hey!’ Brittainee yelled. ‘Whaddabout me?! He made me bite my lip!’ she screeched, pointing up at Julian. ‘What did he have to come along and spoil everything for?’
‘But it’s Julian we’ve been looking for, Brittainee,’ Sandy explained sweetly.
‘Oh whadever!’ she snarled, spitting sand out of her mouth.
‘Come on, Julian,’ I said. ‘Mum will be so pleased we’ve found you!’
Just then, Mum and Fatty’s silhouettes appeared on the crest of the hill and Mum’s torch shone on Julian.
–22–
The wedding morning arrived and Julian and Mum were bickering. Julian looked like he would much rather be killed than have to get married.
Then there was a knock at the door. It was Mrs Vaughan.
‘Oh, hello, Mrs Vaughan,’ Mum said. ‘I’m sorry but Neville and Whiskers are busy today.’
‘No, it’s Jelly I’m after.’
‘Well,’ Mum said nervously, imagining her Head Bridesmaid being kidnapped and renamed Tiddles . . .
‘I just wanted to give her this. You see my daughter sold lots of my useful stuff at a car boot sale and I wanted Jelly and her friends to have half the proceeds, and a voucher for Neville for a week’s stay at my newly re-opened Pet Boarding house. Anyway, give them my best, I’ve got to dash – I’ve got my first guests arriving this morning.’
Mum handed me an envelope with ‘The Faithful Club’ on it – it had £153.16 in it! Exactly enough so that we could get our tickets!!!!
I met Myf and Roobs in the shed where we had arranged to have our hair done by Brittainee, and broke the news. We all jumped around and screamed and kissed our poster.
I calmed down after a bit and remembered it was my mum’s wedding today. But Roobs and Myf continued to scream and dance about. They were EXTREMELY about –
a) Us having hit our O.M.G.! ticket target of £200!
b) Being bridesmaids!
c) Just being alive!
I was excited about hitting our ticket target, BUT I wasn’t excited about being a bridesmaid/being alive
The fact that Sandy had said he hadn’t got a girlfriend but did like someone was making me even more about being a bridesmaid in front of him.
I’d been awake all night worrying. What if it wasn’t ME he liked? Or, even more , what if it was me he liked?
Mum and Julian were getting married, having the lunch and throwing the party all in the same hotel, so So.M.G.! were playing the R’n’B music for our street-dance entrance as well as the cover versions of Mum’s playlist at the party – so NOW Sandy was going to see me NOT being able to street dance in my dress as well as everything else . . .
(not that I cared, obviously).
ANYWAY, the tickets for were going on sale the next morning so we made a plan to meet at Roobs’ house at 8.30 a.m. where there were three available laptops
so we could all be online trying to get tickets at the same time.
Cousin Amelia turned up late having been at all her Sunday morning activities and Brittainee finally came stomping down the lawn still wearing Julian’s slippers.
Brittainee spent an AGE on her own hair (at least three quarters of an hour).
We all looked forward to having the same hairdo and carefully applied .
But when it got to us she was in a huge rush and just scraped our hair back all with elastic bands,
and plonked some flowers on our heads. Then she smeared something brown and horrible on our faces, and tickled us with a ‘bronzing brush’.
Obviously, Amelia had done a kids’ training course in and make-up at the BBC last summer and had done her own hair and make-up.
When we complained, Brittainee said,
–23–
Now we were properly late and by the time we got there we could hear the R’n’B music starting up and had to go straight into our ‘routine’.
Myf stood on the threshold and went
A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four!!
and she started doing backflips and stuff down the aisle with Amelia doing her ballet and Brittainee behind thinking she was doing the same as Myf but actually just dancing about holding her hairdo in place, and then behind her me and Roobs doing an assortment of TERRIBLE moves, roll overs, semi-cartwheels and made-up jumping thingies.
The congregation had a jolly good laugh and as I did an approximation of a backward roll diagonally into Uncle Frank’s artificial leg I caught upside down with Sandy. Because his face was I couldn’t tell if he was:
But I was pleased I had my nether regions safely in those pants
Fortunately, Mum didn’t notice any of this. Julian had fainted.
Fatty had been patiently bearing the ring and hadn’t eaten since his pre-nuptial diet Bonio.
But he was starting to get , and when he gets nervous he eats his back. Normally he would have been wearing his lampshade to stop him but Mum didn’t think it was a good look for her Big Day. Suddenly, he could bear it no longer – he tried to eat his back and accidentally ate the wedding ring instead.
Mum screamed so loudly she roused Julian.
Julian loves a practical challenge (much more than he loves a romantic occasion) . . . and while Mum was shaking Fatty, Julian fetched his all-purpose rucksack.
Julian’s rucksack is a bit like the Room of Doom – which is a room in our house that’s full of useless stuff. But rather than being large and having nothing of any use in it, Julian’s Rucksack of Hope is small but has everything you could ever need in it:
He LVES any opportunity to save the day with the contents of his rucksack. Sometimes Jay and I tease him.
ANYWAY, he fashioned Mum a new ring out of wire and stuck a barley sugar on it (Fatty ate it later). He was very chuffed as he is well into recycling.
–24–
Mum was very brave and during her speech at the lunch she said,
‘The good thing about Fatty pooing in the house is we won’t have any trouble retrieving my real ring!’ This made quite a lot of the guests gag on their Beef Wellington.
I was so relieved that the ceremony was over and that I wouldn’t see Sandy till the party that nothing could spoil my appetite.
I saw Jay was looking a bit white and sweaty when he stood up to do his speech and I was thoroughly looking forward to him waking a complete of himself.
But he was hilarious! The guests were literally rolling around clutching their sides. It was like everyone had been given laughing gas – he was SO funny.
Unintentionally funny that is.
He talked utter gibberish with occasional moments of clarity which just made the gibberish even more funny.
But what really made it funny was he kept going
And in the face of a hundred people with their mouths wide open guffawing and Brittainee shouting,
his eyes went a bit watery and he said ‘Brittainee! You’re such a . . . complete cow!’
Then he flounced out of the room and several minutes later could be seen fleeing across the lawn and zig-zagging into the distant rhododendrons.
Only I was allowed to call Jay a todal total dork idiot! It’s very hard to see your brother upset however much he deserves it.
I screeched out of my seat and went to go after him.
But I wasn’t the only one.
Sandy Blatch, who knew a thing or two about people laughing at him and had witnessed the thing from where he was setting up for the , was already striding along the lawn calling after him.
And Brittainee was hot on Sandy’s heels pretending to be concerned for Jay.
‘Jayby! C’mon! Wait for
we, Sand.’
As I trailed behind her I saw she was taking her brace out. Sandy stopped in front of her to look around – oh no! She was going to him!
But Brittainee just kept right on going,
Jay came out from behind a rhododendron bush and started staggering away.
‘Leave me alone!’ he yelled dramatically. But Brittainee rugby tackled him to the ground, leapt on him and kissed him hard on the lips. And he didn’t push her off either.