She followed Renee inside, an embarrassing sweat breaking out on her forehead and the back of her legs. She thought of her apartment back in NYC. She thought of the size of her bank account. She tried to stand on these things like an island, but they were thin ice, unable to bear her weight. It was terrifying how easy it was to lose herself, to summon everything she knew when she was alone and find it too slippery to hold in the face of other people, becoming only the thing that they valued or didn’t.
Renee led the way through the crowd. The light was soft, strung like a mimic of stars, the room crowded with the chatter of guests and the chime of silverware, the salty air off the bay reaching through the open doors. Everyone was in their Hamptons whites, girls with sweaters tied over their delicate shoulders, bleached teeth laughing against tan, taut faces.
Blue was being assaulted by her own inadequacy. She was lumbering and odd looking, a spectacle here. Each person she passed looked through her on their way to talk to someone who mattered. Renee, on the other hand, looked like she completely belonged.
Why was she doing this to herself? It wasn’t worth it.
She gave a cursory glance around the room. “Doesn’t look like he’s here,” she said. “Let’s go.”
Renee grabbed her arm. “He’s right over there. Look.”
Jack was waving at them from a table. Blue’s heart backfired and her legs were suddenly loose and unreliable. She waved back and tried to smile but her mouth spasmed and she imagined she must look insane.
I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this.
Her head seemed to be filling with water, distorting light and sound.
She started toward the patio for a cigarette. Reached into her purse for the pack. It was empty. Of course.
She rerouted to the bar.
“Where are you going?” Renee said, tripping after her.
“I need a drink.” And a minute to calm the hell down.
Blue glanced back at Jack. He was talking to his friend, making him laugh, looking like every other person in the place, perfect and good-looking and at ease. She was so ridiculously in over her head. She could barely even manage small talk, no less be cool or coy or charming. What on earth would she have to offer someone like him? Nothing, that’s what. It made her want to cry. Foolish, stupid girl. She waved a large bill at the bartender to get his attention. He ignored her and served two beautiful women at the other end of the bar.
“I don’t think you should have another,” Renee said. “You need to be lucid.”
“I’m unbearably lucid,” Blue said.
Finally the bartender came over.
“A shot of gin and tonic. And a tequila. Please.”
“You mean a shot of tequila and a gin and tonic?” he said, taking the cash.
“Sure, whatever.”
Renee hid her eyes.
Two glasses were set in front of Blue. She turned her back to Jack’s table and gulped down the shot. She grabbed the gin and tonic, downed that too. The booze seemed to rocket into her brain almost instantly. “Better,” she said.
They weaved their way through the crowd.
Jack saw them coming and stood. Up close, in the dim romantic lighting, he looked doubly handsome and intimidating, immediately robbing her of all her liquid courage. “You came!” he said.
“Heyyy,” Blue said. She was trying to sound cool, but she was struggling to modulate her voice over the blood-rush of adrenaline in her ears. “What’s happenin’?”
He put his hand up and Blue appallingly found herself throwing him a high five before she realized he was just waving to Renee behind her. He paused, puzzled, then met Blue’s hand with his and held it rather than slapped it.
“You look different without the hat and the glasses and the...morning ice cream bar, ha ha,” he said.
She was sure she saw a shadow cross his face as he observed the sad reality of her.
He thinks I’m ugly, she thought, and the awful notion drifted down into the depths of her and lodged itself there. I should leave. Walk out with my dignity intact. Already she hated him. Already she hated herself.
“Hey, again,” Renee said, holding her arms out for a hug.
“Hey,” Jack said, pulling her in. “You came after all.”
Blue watched, burning. “She’s engaged,” she said. It just fell out. Because of course he would want Renee and not her. Wasn’t that always how it went? Two beautiful people. They looked like they belonged together.
“No way! Tonight? Where’s the lucky guy?”
“No, not tonight...ah...” Renee looked askance at Blue.
“Well, congratulations. This is my friend Peter.” Jack gestured to the shy-looking guy beside him wearing a crisp white shirt and a clear desire to be elsewhere. “Peter, this is Renee and Blue.”
“Howdy,” Peter said, and Blue considered he was the male version of herself. In fact, Jack probably brought him to match them up. Oh God, seriously though, he probably did.
They sat. Blue was so nervous she misjudged the distance, landing heavily in her chair. She couldn’t bear to look at Jack, to catch any hint of disappointment in his face. She decided she was still too sober, tried, to no avail, to get the attention of a passing waitress. When she turned back to the table, Jack had said something that made Renee laugh.
“So what do you do, Peter?” Blue said, angling away from Jack. If he was going to fall in love with Renee, then she was going to ignore him and flirt with his sour-looking friend and pretend she was having a blast.
“Real estate,” Peter said, glancing around the room.
“Commercial or private?”
“Private.”
“I would have guessed commercial.”
He looked at her strangely. “No. Nope.”
“Nice. Well. I love real estate. I have a great apartment, a large penthouse, actually. Across from Central Park.” She heard herself talking loudly, trying to sound important, but she couldn’t stop the train. She snuck a furtive look at Jack. He was showing Renee something on his phone. Hello. Did he not see the massive ring? She plowed on. “And I work in finance. Many real estate deals. Big money deals.” Jesus Christ.
“Oh.” He shifted uncomfortably. “So, uh, how do you and Jack know each other?”
Jack turned, tuned in. His eyes met and locked on Blue’s.
“That’s a good question, actually,” Jack said. “Where did we meet? Ice cream shop, wasn’t it?”
Blue stiffened. “Actually, the beach first.”
“We did?” Jack said. “The beach. Really? Oh, wait, that’s right! Didn’t my buddy almost hit you with a Frisbee?” Jack threw his head back and laughed. “Wow, I totally forgot about that.”
Blue looked away, the memory shifting inside her. It had been so important to her—that moment when the Frisbee almost hit her and Jack had rushed to the rescue, called her pretty. She’d put a frame around the memory, kept it near. All this time she’d believed he felt what she felt. That instant, blush-inducing connection. That pull in the chest. That wonder. But it was all in her head. It meant nothing to him—she meant nothing to him—he didn’t even remember it. She probably hadn’t even been a real person to him, just another conquest in a long summer of them, a way to pass the time.
“Fortunately for me, I was still able to win her over with my charm,” Jack said. He leaned back and smiled at her.
She did not smile back. “Hardly.”
“Oh, come on.” He tilted his head, searched her face. Then he turned to Peter. “It was love at first sight.”
Wait. Did he like her? Was she reading this all wrong?
No, he was just mocking her. She was sure of it.
“Please. It was a meaningless summer fling,” she said. She wasn’t going to let him get over on her again. She wasn’t going to let him see all the stupid hope sh
e had.
“Okay, if you say so.” He was still smiling, though his pupils darted uncertainly as he watched her.
Blue felt a kick under the table.
“You wore his sweatshirt for weeks!” Renee said, staring hard at her.
“No, I didn’t!” Blue snapped. She tried to kick her back and accidentally moved the table, knocking over Renee’s water glass.
Everyone lurched back in their chairs.
“Sorry! Sorry,” she said, hearing the slur move into her voice. “I’m not drunk, I swear.” She grabbed a bunch of napkins and squashed them against the spill. “It’s just water, people. Chill!”
Jack stood, grabbed some more napkins from a nearby table. Their hands touched, a flash of electricity as he helped her mop up. She pulled away as if stung. “I’ve got it,” she said. She dabbed at the spill and then sat back down into an uncomfortable silence. They were all looking at her. A remaining trickle of water dripped into her lap.
“We should get you a real drink anyway,” Jack said to Renee. He put his hand on her forearm and Blue felt the knife twist in her gut.
“Oh, no thanks,” she said. “I’m okay.”
“Why don’t you tell them why, Renee,” Blue said.
Renee shot her a wounded look, shook her head no.
“She’s with child,” Blue said, happy to deliver the killing blow to Jack and Renee’s burgeoning romance. “Her nipples are brown. That’s how you know apparently. Crazy, right? Have you ever thought about having kids, Peter?”
She saw all three of their mouths fly open in shock.
“Ah...excuse me. I’m going to...get a drink at the bar,” Peter said before nearly hurdling over her to escape.
“Well, uh, congratulations,” Jack said to Renee. He tapped his thumbs on the table, glanced nervously around the club.
Renee gave him a tight smile, stared into her lap.
The uncomfortable silence expanded.
“Blue!” someone shouted, and they all turned to see Maya and Hannah heading their way, big grins on their faces.
Blue was at once relieved for the interruption and horrified to have more witnesses to this disaster.
“We’re crashing your date,” Maya said.
“You mean Renee’s date,” Blue said.
“What?” Maya said. Their smiles fell as they reached the table and caught the vibe. They stopped, stood awkwardly, eyes darting in search of explanation.
“Sit,” Blue said. “Have a drink. I’ve offended everyone else. Might as well join the fun.”
Maya and Hannah exchanged looks, then pulled up two seats and sat down warily.
Jack glanced at his watch, took a sip of his beer, smiled grimly at no one in particular.
To Renee, Maya mouthed, “What is happening?”
Renee made a drinking gesture, tilted her head toward Blue.
“I caught that,” Blue said.
Suddenly Renee’s eyes bulged. “Excuse me.” Her hand flew to her mouth as she got up and ran across the restaurant.
Maya watched her. “Is she drunk too?”
“Pregnant,” Blue said. “Drunk is how you get that way.”
“Pregnant?” Hannah said. She looked at Maya.
Maya looked at Blue. “For real?”
Blue shrugged. “Apparently.”
“Oh, wow,” Hannah said.
“Hell yes!” Maya said. “We’re having a baby! This is such an excellent shit show of a vacation. I love it.”
“Yep, so great,” Blue said bitterly, throwing a half-hearted fist into the air. “So glad I came.”
Maya shot her a questioning look, Hannah a worried one.
Jack shifted uncomfortably, kept taking nervous, furtive glances at Blue.
“So how’s it going, Jack?” Maya said.
“Good,” he said. “Yeah, really good.”
“Cool.”
They both nodded at each other for several beats too long.
He glanced at Blue again, as if trying to catch her eye. She ignored him.
He watched her for one more moment and then cleared his throat. “Well... I should be going,” he said, inching out of his seat. “Pete and I have...ah...a thing we’re supposed to...”
“A thing,” Blue said.
“Yeah...uh...”
“You can’t go,” Maya said. “We just got here.”
“No, Maya,” Blue said. “They have a thing to get to.”
“Blue,” Jack said, “can I talk to you alone for a—”
“No, you don’t want to be late for your thing,” Blue said.
Jack sighed helplessly, shook his head.
“Blue...” Maya said sternly. “Jack, you should stay.”
“No, he shouldn’t,” Blue said. “Besides, we have a thing to get to too.”
“We do?” Hannah said.
Blue saw Jack signal to Peter at the bar.
“Well,” he said to them. “It was great seeing you guys. Keep in touch or...whatever.” He glanced one last time at Blue, seemed to sigh, then walked away.
Renee came out of the bathroom, saw what was happening, looked to Blue as if willing her to stop it.
But by then Jack was already at the door, exiting Blue’s life as quickly as he’d reentered it.
For a moment no one spoke.
“Well then,” Maya said.
A horrified quiet sat with them amid the detritus of empty glasses and sopping napkins.
“Good riddance,” Blue said too loudly over a quiet, building grief. She picked up Jack’s abandoned beer and took a sip. “Nostrovia, everyone! That’s Russian for ‘let’s get drunk’!”
They stared at her. She chugged the rest of the beer.
“You’re cut off,” Maya said.
“Okay, but first a round of shots.” She was desperate for more booze, desperate for oblivion. Jack was gone. The serrated edges of that reality sharpened inside her chest with every breath.
She saw Hannah reach for the half-full drink Peter had left and slide it out of her eyeline.
“Maybe we should go,” Hannah said.
“Screw that! We just got here,” Blue said.
A man at the next table leaned over. “Excuse me? We’re trying to have a nice dinner here.”
“I’m so sorry,” Renee told him, looking mortified. “We were just leaving.”
“No, we weren’t,” Blue said. Taste of vinegar in her mouth. Renee aligning with this stranger in shared horror at her behavior. Apologizing for her. Her focus narrowed. This was all Renee’s fault. This whole disaster of a night, all of it.
Maya stood, grabbed Blue by the arm. “Come on, babe.”
Blue tried to make herself deadweight but gave up almost instantly. Maya was strong, and also, she suddenly didn’t care, wanted to go, to be gone from this place, to be not home but nowhere. Maya got her to her feet. Blue pitched slightly as if caught in a gale and then righted herself, marched out.
The others followed her.
“I’ll bring the car around,” Maya said. “I had to park down the street.”
“I’m calling a cab,” Blue said, fumbling for her phone.
“What? Why?”
“Don’t wanna be near her.” She pointed at Renee.
“Me? What the hell did I do?” Renee said.
Blue rolled her eyes so hard she almost lost her balance. “What the hell did I do?” she mocked. She rifled through her bag, hoping for a stray cigarette. “You’d think that someone with a fiancé might have the decency not to flirt with someone’s date,” she muttered. “But no. Not Renee. Renee has to take everything.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Renee said. “I wasn’t flirting. I was being polite. Because you wouldn’t talk to him.”
“Whatever,” Blue said, zippin
g her purse, glancing around for a stranger with a smoke. “Go away. You’ve ruined my life enough.”
“I’ve ruined your life?” Renee said. She turned to Maya and Hannah. “I have single-handedly ruined her entire life, now?”
“Yep,” Blue said. “Ya did.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Maya said. “What is with you? Look, I don’t know what happened between you two—”
“Right,” Blue said. “You don’t.” Her mind felt clearer than it had in hours; the alcohol seemed burned off by the torch of her sudden fury. “So maybe stay the hell out of it.”
“Okay,” Maya said. “I can do that. Or...here’s a crazy thought...you could just go ahead and tell us! Just put it all out there—”
“Oh yeah. That’s...that’s brilliant. Can’t think of anything better than spilling my guts to you guys so you can tell me again to get over it. I’m gonna go ahead and take a pass on that.”
“Fine. Don’t tell us, then,” Maya said. “But then you don’t get to hold us hostage to a question you refuse to answer and then blame us for not understanding you.”
“Right. Whatever,” Blue said. She turned and stormed back toward the restaurant. Screw this. She needed another drink now. But no. The engine of her anger was gunning, already set on its course. She doubled back. “Did it ever occur to you that it was too painful to tell you? Or, like, that I was worried you couldn’t handle it? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I wanted to know you even gave a shit? ’Cause you know what? As far as I could tell, you didn’t want to know.”
In the distance, the sound of amateur fireworks. They all instinctively flinched.
“Well, you’re wrong,” Maya said. “We do want to know. We’re your best friends and you’re important to us so just freaking tell us, for God’s sake.”
Blue tilted her head back, found the moon. Nope, that made her dizzy. Instead she sought its reflection on the water. So much noise. Everything so loud inside her.
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