“Which is?” I asked. I could feel my nerves jumbling inside me; I had never been so anxious before.
He hesitated for a moment and looked out the window. He began speaking in a cold, detached voice. “I feel nothing, Hayley. You are a student at the school I work for. You’re just another employee. I feel…nothing.” Tears stung my eyes. I quickly blinked, forcing them to go away. I took another shaky breath and waited for him to say something. Anything.
“What about the second answer?” I whispered. My voice cracked at the end of the word answer and I prayed that he didn’t notice.
“The second answer?” he asked, staring at me. I could feel my heart drop. “You want my second answer? You want the truth?” He approached the counter I was sitting on, causing my heart to beat uncontrollably. I slowly nodded my head. He leaned his face inches away from mine; I could feel myself becoming intoxicated from his smell. I closed my eyes as I waited for him. “I feel everything,” he whispered. I opened my eyes and found him staring at me. His chocolate brown eyes bored into mine as he spoke. “I want to protect you. I want to kill anyone who could harm you. I feel this…this gravitational pull whenever I’m around you. There’s something about you that makes it almost impossible to stay away.” I couldn’t breathe.
“I feel like a thirteen-year-old with a lame crush whenever I see you. I feel a sense of euphoria that no drug has ever given me. I want to know everything about you. I want to spend every night like last. I want to wake up and see you sprawled across my sheets, hogging the majority of the blanket.” A nervous giggle escaped my lips. I could feel tears entering my eyes.
“This is so wrong,” I whispered.
“Then why the hell does it feel so right?” he asked, stroking my face with his thumb. My entire body grew warm at his touch. “You feel so right,” he whispered before leaning in to graze my lips with his. He tasted like coffee and mint; something I had never realized fit so perfectly together. He leaned into me and I instinctively wrapped my legs around him. I was thankful for the counter I was sitting on; if I had been standing, I would’ve fallen.
Who was I kidding?
That counter didn’t stop me from falling.
Nothing could.
Thirty-Five
Hayley
Nick took me to my house around three in the afternoon. It took every piece of me to leave his side, but I knew that I needed to get back home. I feared that Lacy had been waiting up for me and would demand answers. I hadn’t thought out what I was going to say but in that instance I didn't care. As cliché as it sounded, being with Nick washed away all my fears and worries.
“No one can know about this,” Nick whispered before I stepped out of his car.
“I promise,” I whispered back before he kissed me lightly on the lips. Butterflies flew around my stomach, causing my face to turn bright red. “Goodbye, Mr. Foster.” With that I exited his car and ran to my front door, nervous for what lied inside.
I waited to be bombarded with questions the second I walked inside. To my surprise, no one was sitting on the couch waiting to scold me. I called Lacy’s name out three times before I made my way upstairs. My house was completely silent, something that hadn’t happened in months. I called her name four more times before walking into her room. She was nowhere to be found. I began to grow worried. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and decided to call Ryan; maybe he knew where she was.
“Babe.”
“Where’s Lacy?” I asked, neglecting to greet him.
“With Taylor. Where are you? Do you know how worried I was last night? You didn’t answer any of my texts or calls and―” Click. I couldn’t listen to him talk for another second. I quickly scrolled through my contacts, searching for Taylor. I found him under “Douchebag Asshole.” I quickly clicked “CALL” and waited anxiously for someone to answer.
“Hello?” A male voice came over the speaker. I had never been more relieved to hear Taylor’s voice.
“Are you with Lacy?” I asked.
“Oh, hey Hayley. Yeah, she’s right beside me.” The sound of shuffling scratched against the speaker before Lacy spoke.
“Hayley!” she said enthusiastically.
“Dude, where are you? I’ve been worried.” I was hoping that she was under the impression I had slept at home last night; that would save me from creating an elaborate lie.
“I could ask you the same thing!” Her tone was anything but angry, so I began to relax. “I stayed with Taylor last night since you decided to leave without a goodbye. You seriously left Ryan high and dry, Hayley. Not cool.” I rolled my eyes as if she could see me. “But hey, did you get my text about Taylor’s present to me?” I informed her that I had no idea what she was talking about. “What? I thought your parents would’ve told you.”
“They didn’t,” I told her impatiently.
“Oh, well Taylor got me a plane ticket to see my dad. I leave tonight.” What the hell was up with everyone going on spontaneous trips out of state? Was it “Let’s Leave Hayley” week?
“That was sweet of him,” I responded. Part of me felt jealous that I hadn’t thought of getting her a ticket to see her dad.
“I’m so excited. It feels like years since I’ve seen him.” At least one of us would be able to see our father. Funny how mine lived in the same house and it felt like decades since I had truly been around him. I shoved the thought out of my mind almost as quickly as it entered. I had nothing to complain about; my life was amazing. Just because my dad was always caught up in work didn’t mean I had anything to be ungrateful for. Everything he did, he did for the family. At least that’s what he said.
“Are you coming home before you see him?” I asked.
“No. Taylor and I are going to grab something to eat and then head to the airport. I’m so excited!” she repeated.
“I’m happy for you.” I felt a twinge of jealously that he was going to be the one traveling with her. He abandoned her for months and now he was going to jump into the middle of things and fly with her to see her dad? The idea pissed me off. “Hey I have to go, but have fun.” I hung up before she could respond.
I was mad. Holy shit, I was livid. Not only had my parents decided to up and leave the state but so had my best friend. I was tired of spending the holidays by myself. I was tired of never knowing when my parents were going to be home. I couldn’t stand the fact that I couldn’t have a normal life, without all the lavish shit that no one paid attention to. I would’ve traded all of it for a normal life.
It wasn’t a surprise to me when my mom notified me that her and my father wouldn’t be returning for another night. What the hell was new? Independent Hayley could stand a night alone, right? Because who wouldn’t want to spend New Year’s alone? It all made sense.
I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be around someone, anyone.
That was a lie. I wanted to be around Nick; he was the only person I wanted to see in that instance. I contemplated calling him and asking him to come over. Was that too much? I was terrified to make any mistakes. I decided that I had nothing to lose−when in reality I had everything to lose−and called him. I tried to sound as if I weren’t having a complete anxiety attack.
“Hayley,” he answered. My face immediately grew hot at the sound of his voice. I didn’t understand how he had such an effect of me.
“Hi.” Both ends of the line stayed quiet. I waited for him to say something, anything, but he stayed silent. “I’m alone,” I blurted out. “And I’m going to be alone all night.”
“Hayley…” he trailed off. I realized that I hadn’t been clear with my intentions.
“I’m not telling you that because I want to have sex with you,” I rambled. Shit, I was stumbling over my words. “Well, shit. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you, because I do. Shit. This is coming out wrong. That’s not what I meant.”
“Hayley, why’d you call me?” he asked. I couldn’t read the tone in his voice which made me even more anxious.
>
“It’s New Years and I’m all alone. My parents are staying out of state for another night and my best friend just informed me she’s going to Tennessee to see her dad. I hate being alone.”
The other line went dead. Great. I had scared him away. That was the cherry on the top. I threw my phone across the room and began crying.
Over an hour passed and I was still crying. It wasn’t the shoulder shaking sobs I had experienced the night before, instead it was a more of a quiet, pathetic whimper. I was too exhausted to relocate, so I sat in my hallway, curled into a ball, crying like a two-year-old. I began to hiccup which made me cry even more. How had things come to this? I had ruined everything. I was going to have to quit at the movie store, I would never be able to walk past the guidance counselor office, I would never be able to talk to Ryan again because of the guilt I was feeling. I wanted badly to call Lacy and beg her to come home and wrap her arms around me and tell me that things were going to be okay, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had been too selfish already.
The doorbell rang three times before I summoned enough courage to open the door. I knew it was Ryan, considering he had called me four times warning me that he was going to come over if I didn’t answer him. I trudged down the stairs, aware that I was going to be attacked with his questions. I should’ve never led Ryan on like this when I knew I was falling in love with Mr. Foster. Once again, I realized how pathetic I was. I threw the front door open and made my way to the couch. If Ryan was going to yell at me, I’d rather be comfortable.
“Rude,” I heard a voice mutter. I spun around and watched as Nick walked inside my house. I could feel my entire body growing warm at the sight of him. My cheeks burned uncontrollably. “Holy shit,” he mumbled as he scanned my home. His eyes stopped scanning once he met my face. My heart caught in my throat. “Holy shit,” he repeated as he approached me. I could feel my knees growing weak just by the sight of him.
“Hi,” I managed to choke out. Mr. Foster was standing in my home. Nicholas Foster was standing inside my house and was staring into my soul with his eyes. His beautiful, chocolate brown eyes. How many times had those eyes captivated a girl’s heart?
“You’ve been crying,” he inspected. He caressed my face with his hand before lifting me up and kissing me. “Why have you been crying?” he asked in between kisses. I wrapped my arms around his neck and ignored his question. He pulled his lips away from mine and stared at me. “Hayley, why have you been crying?” I unwrapped my legs from his waist and stood up on my own. I couldn’t answer his question truthfully. Why had I been crying? Maybe because everyone was always leaving me and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Maybe because I could never gauge where we stood. One moment, he was sweeping me off my feet. Then next, he was telling me to leave him alone. Maybe it was because I had fallen hopelessly in love for someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. Or perhaps the fact that he was ten years older than me and a faculty member at my school. And my boss.
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter. I’m fine.” Perhaps I was being juvenile, but there was no reason to spill my heart out to him. He had proven to me time after time that whatever we had was expendable. “You don’t fucking care. And even if you do, you’ll just change your mind tomorrow,” I cried.
Nick stared at me, his expression becoming more serious than I had ever seen it. “Stop it, it does matter,” he pleaded.
“I said I’m fine,” I growled.
“It doesn’t bother me that you can blatantly lie to my face, Hayley.” He took a step closer to me, his body nearly touching mine. Every nerve in my stomach was doing summersaults. “It bothers me that you would want to lie to me about how you’re feeling. It bothers me that you don’t think I know you well enough to tell when you’re full of shit.” He lifted his hand and touched my face again. “It’s okay to not be okay, Hayley.” My heart completely ripped into two.
“You don’t get it,” I whimpered.
“What don’t I get, Hayley?”
I could feel my emotions beginning to surface. Tears brimmed my eyes. “I am terrified of you, Mr. Foster.” He immediately took a step away from me. “You make me feel things that I never knew I could feel.” My walls were rapidly falling down. “I am so used to everyone coming in and out of my life…I never picture someone being in my future. And when I think about five years from now, I always incorporate you in there. Every time. And it’s terrifying because you don’t feel that way.” He began to interject when I cut him off. “There is no way you feel as strongly about me as I feel for you.” The words “I’m in love with you” danced on the tip of my tongue. “If you felt the way I feel towards you, you wouldn’t be throwing me away every other second. You wouldn’t be playing my heart like a damn violin.”
He slowly took a step towards me, his eyes locked on mine. “We all get sick, and old, and die. People change, people leave. We lose things and we replace them. Nothing in this life is secure, Hayley.”
Tears filled my vision. I was always crying. “What are you say―”
“When I’m around you, I feel a security.” He lightly touched my shoulder. “You don’t think I feel the same way, but I feel something when I’m around you, Hayley.” His fingers trailed up and down my arm, creating goose bumps. “I feel like all of this, whatever we have going on, is right. And I’ve never felt that way before.” He kissed me; causing emotions that I didn’t know existed. I was in love with him. Holy shit, I was in love with him.
I led him into my room, skipping the grand tour. I was convinced that he’d have a chance to see everything else later. Right now, in that instance, I wanted to see nothing but him. All of him. Once we were in my bedroom, I couldn’t believe how crazy this entire situation had been. Here he was, sitting against my headboard, playing with one of my pillows. I watched as his eyes focused on a piece of fabric that hung from it. He lifted eyes from the pillow and found me watching him. I immediately began giggling.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, throwing the pillow down. He lunged across the bed and hovered over me, staring into my eyes. Without thinking, I ran my fingers over his jaw line. My fingers felt electric as I explored. I had never been more intrigued with a single human being in my entire life. My chest ached as his eyes bored into mine. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my entire life.
“Why are you perfect?” I asked.
“I’m anything but perfect, Hayley,” he whispered. He took my hand in his, stroking my palm with his thumb. “You’ll see.” I closed my eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. The tight feeling in my chest disappeared as his mouth explored my lips and neck. I ran my fingers through his hair, amazed at how incredible he could make me feel. I reached up to remove his shirt when he grabbed my hand. “Slow,” he whispered, barely moving his mouth from mine. “We need to take things slow.”
“I’m ready,” I assured him. “Please.” I could feel the air in his chest deflate. I had never wanted anything more in my life.
“What if you regret it?” he asked me.
“Why do I feel like you’re the one who’s afraid of regretting this?” I asked. He frowned and stared at my bottom lip. “I’ve never wanted something so badly,” I whispered. “I know that I’m ready.” His lips were instantly on mine, sucking the life out of me. His hands were resting on my leg, trailing up and down, making my body warm. I wanted him. I needed him.
I smiled as I felt his fingers unlatch my bra. A nervous giggle escaped my mouth. Nick stared at me, sweat beading around his hairline. I could feel my heart beating uncontrollably, I was almost becoming lightheaded. How was this happening? How had my life come to this? How could something so utterly wrong feel so incredibly right? I couldn’t begin to fathom any of it.
I wasn’t the only one.
“Shit.” I stared at Nick, breathless and confused. Why had he stopped kissing me? “I can’t do this, Hayley. I can’t do this. This is so hard for me,” he began. “I want to be able to do this with you, Hayley. But not like this. It
can’t be like this.” His breathing began to accelerate, almost as if he were suffering from a panic attack.
I stared at him, confused. "What do you mean?" I asked, still trying to catch my breath.
“Being with you... It feels so right, Hayley.” I didn't like where this was headed. There was something off in his voice. “But doing this, all of this…It makes me feel bad.” His eyes darted around the room.
“Bad?” I asked. How could be feel bad? I had never felt more alive or happy in my entire life.
He began to stutter. “It feels good, don’t get me wrong.” My head was spinning. Everything he was saying was so contradicting. It felt right but made him feel bad but it was good? What did that even mean? “I feel like a villain, or a criminal,” he explained. “I feel as if every article of clothing I remove, I'm stripping your innocence away from you. I feel wrong. I know this is wrong. You’re just a child, Hayley. You’re a child and I am a grown man. And this....this is just so wrong.”
“I’m not a child,” I corrected. “I am eighteen-years-old. And aside from that, you notice what's wrong about the situation,” I began. “That shows right there that you have a conscience. You’re not a bad person for going after what you want.”
“No, I'm not.” he began. “But I'm a bad person for wanting you.”
“Please don't say that.” I pleaded. It hurt me to think that he was beating himself up over this. “You’re not a bad person…You’re one of the best people I've ever met.” That was a complete understatement.
“I'm lying on an eighteen-year-old’s bed and I'm twenty-eight.” I hated when he put things in simple terms. Of course that was going to sound inappropriate when he put it that way. But it wasn't like that and we both knew it. “It’s not about what we know, Hayley. It’s about what is morally right. I can't keep doing this.” I could tell that he wasn’t blowing smoke up my ass. He was legitimately contemplating leaving. Again.
“So what are you saying?” I slowly asked him. I could feel my chest beginning to tighten. “We can take it slow," I promised. I would do anything to keep him near me, even if it restricted me from touching him. I knew that if he stopped pursuing me, I would have to find a new job. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere else; where would I go? I had no desire to trade hours in a small room with someone I trusted with a greasy fast food job. I refused to.
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