“Hayley, please be mature about this,” he sighed. I couldn’t believe the audacity of him.
“I am being mature, Mr. Foster!” I fixed the volume of my voice, cautious of customers. “For these last few months, I have done nothing but be mature!” I was beyond angry. “I come here and do my job, and then leave. I mind my own business and do what I’m supposed to do! You have been playing with my fucking emotions every chance you’ve gotten.” I had nothing left to lose at this point. “What the hell is wrong with you? Was this all a game to you? Were you trying to make me fall in love with you just to see how far I’d go?” I screamed.
“I just don’t think that it’s smart.”
I let out a long, incredulous laugh. “So you’re firing me?” I snapped. I couldn’t let him know that my heart was slowly shattering. “That’s it? You fuck me and then fire me?”
“I need you to leave.” I couldn’t believe that this was happening. “Please don’t be angry with me,” he whispered.
“You told me you loved me,” I whispered. He rested his head against his palms, refusing to make eye contact. “Fuck you.” He let out a long stream of air as his eyes penetrated mine. “Oh wait,” I spit out. “I already did.” With that, I walked out of the room and slammed the door behind me. A few of the customers glanced in my direction but I continued walking, my vision blurred by tears. I couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to fire me. Teresa grabbed my arm, asking me what had happened. I ripped myself away from her, quickly escaping the store. I climbed into my car and headed home.
“Hayley what’s wrong?” Lacy asked the moment I stepped inside. I instantly fell into her and began sobbing. She wrapped her arms around me and embraced me in a long hug, smoothing my hair down as I cried. “Babe what happened?” she asked. I couldn’t control the tears; they were pouring down my face. I wanted to tell Lacy everything, every small, minute detail that I had experienced in the last few months. I wanted to tell her about Nick’s warm embrace and his smell and the way he would smile at me and how he made me feel so insanely safe.
“Just a bad day at work,” I managed to whisper. I decided that telling Lacy about Mr. Foster was not the right decision. I had made a promise to him and I intended to keep it, regardless of how bad I was hurting.
“Forget about work!” Lacy shouted as she wiped underneath my eyes. “Let’s see what Ryan and Taylor are doing and go out for a double date.” The suggestion sent me overboard. I sprinted upstairs and into my room. I threw myself under the blanket and sobbed until my throat was hoarse and my eyes were swollen. How had I been so stupid? How did I not see this coming?
It was ignorant of me to believe that a twenty-eight-year-old man wanted anything other than sex from me. He had never cared. He didn’t care about the stupid stories and conspiracies I told him. He didn’t care about my experience with Trip or my fights with Lacy and my parents. Everything out of his mouth had been a lie. He couldn’t have given two shits less about me.
It was clear to me in that instance. He was a con artist and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realized it sooner. He fed girls lines about how he didn’t want to be this monster, and how there was this substantial risk that their mindset was going to change. He became less of my instructor and more of a friend. He bent rules, added perversions to the sentences. He even threw in some personal information, so I believed that he was this genuine, trustworthy guy. He created a sense of security; he made me think that he was someone I could confide in. The secrets begin pouring out and before I knew it, he was my very own diary. And he liked that; it provided him with leverage. I didn’t want to believe that what I was thinking was true. I had shared so much with him. But my eyes were finally beginning to open.
That was why he had become a teacher. Girls in high school were always going to find him attractive. There would always be the naïve girls who came to him. Rebellious ones, too. And he would feed them that same bullshit. It was a never-ending supply of sex. And I had fallen for his sick, twisted trap.
I ran into the bathroom as fast as my feet could take me. I fell in front of the toilet and dry heaved repeatedly. The thought of his hands trailing up and down my arm plagued my mind. The smell of him wrapped itself around my heart and squeezed until I was hyperventilating on my bathroom floor, tears streaming down my face. I had never felt this way before.
There was a light tap on the bathroom door before it creaked open. A pair of arms wrapped themselves around me. I buried my face into Lacy’s chest, allowing myself to completely fall apart in her arms. I remembered back to the times when Lacy would fall apart in front of me over Taylor, yet I never knew why.
I finally understood.
Thirty-Nine
Hayley
Three days. I had managed to stay in bed for three days, other than the necessary bathroom breaks. Lacy would check on me every hour, bringing me water and snacks. I refused to eat or speak. The only thing I could do was cry. Every time Lacy would try and ask me what happened I would completely fall apart again. I hated the way I was feeling; I hated that he had managed to have control over my emotions.
Taylor Swift played through my speakers as I wailed into my pillow. I had the song All Too Well playing on repeat. The lyrics bled into my soul as I writhed against my blanket.
You call me up again just to break me like a promise…
I buried my head under my pillow, allowing myself to fall apart once more.
“I’ve had enough of this shit,” Lacy announced Wednesday afternoon as she turned off my speaker. “If I have to listen to one more Taylor Swift song, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I’m not just going to watch you wither away into nothing. I’m forcing you to get out of the damn house.” I began to protest when she snapped at me again. “Did you let me just mope around when Taylor broke up with me? No. You dragged my ass out of the house and made me realize there was more to life than my bedroom walls.” I turned to face away from her. She sat on the edge of my bed and rested her hand on my leg. “Hayley, I have no idea what’s going on with you, but I don’t like it. I refuse to let you sink into depression. Is it Ryan? Your parents?” I shrugged my shoulders. “You have been skipping school since last Tuesday. It’s been over a week, Hayley. How much longer are you going to play the ‘I’m sick with Mono’ act?” I continued to ignore her. She groaned loudly before grabbing my arm and throwing me off my bed. I smacked onto the floor, whimpering. “Go. Shower. Now!” She barked. I cowered away from her and sulked into the bathroom.
After a long, tear filled shower I threw on a pair of leggings and a baggy sweatshirt. I felt my heart split into two as my eyes landed on Nick’s pair of sweatpants. I slammed my closet door shut and allowed Lacy to dry and straighten my hair. Once she applied the last swipe of mascara, she claimed that I was now worthy of going outside. I wanted to die.
Despite the eternal damnation Nick provided, going out to dinner, and seeing a cheesy monster movie helped me feel a little less sad. It felt nice to think of something other than Nick and his selfish, conniving ways. Lacy surprised me by pulling into our favorite ice cream shop and ordering us two banana chocolate milkshakes.
“Feeling any better?” she asked me. I took another long sip and nodded my head. “I learned from the best.” I raised an eyebrow, confused as to what she meant. “You don’t remember doing this exact thing after Taylor cheated on me?” she asked. The memories came flooding back to me. I took her out to a fancy restaurant downtown with a movie after. I then forced her to try her first banana chocolate milkshake, beginning the very unhealthy addiction.
“I remember,” I assured her. “We saw that cheesy movie with the werewolves.”
“Remember the part where it showed the main guy’s furry ass and you compared it to Taylor?” I nearly spit out my ice cream as I laughed. “And the people kept telling us to be quiet, so you threw our popcorn at them.” I covered my face with my hands to try and control my laughter. “It’s so nice to see you laugh,” Lacy said as she squeeze
d my hand. I gave her a small smile.
Once we were back in the car, Lacy suggested we rented a few movies. I reluctantly agreed, knowing that if I refused, she would raise an eyebrow. I mentally prepared myself the entire drive there, trying to keep my breathing under control. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. It was becoming my own personal mantra. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. The moment we pulled into the parking lot and exited the car, I felt as if I were going to explode. My hands were violently shaking so I shoved them into the pockets of my sweatshirt. Breathe, Hayley, I silently instructed. Just breathe.
Lacy immediately ran to the horror section, flipping each movie over to read the description on the back. I, on the other hand, struggled to make my feet work. I stared down at the ground, moving one step at a time. I wanted to run. I wanted to turn around and go back into my room and sleep the day away. But life wasn’t that simple.
I ran directly into Nick, knocking the movies out of his hands. I landed on my ass, hard. I kept my eyes on the floor, refusing to look up at him. I would sit on the floor for the rest of my life if it meant never having to look into his soulless, milk chocolate eyes. He wrapped his hands around my wrist and pulled me to my feet.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. I met his gaze, cursing myself for doing so. My heart broke into a billion pieces. All the anger and resentment I harbored towards him was gone. In that moment I wanted to wrap my arms around him and forgive him for everything he had put me through during the past few days. But that wasn’t what he was apologizing for. “Can we talk?”
I tore my eyes away from him and found Lacy. She had picked out three movies that claimed to be “blood baths.” I was ready to get the hell out of the store, so I agreed to all of them. Nick followed us to the counter.
“Are these all?” he asked me.
“Yup,” Lacy answered, oblivious of the stare down Nick and I were having. I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me. He refused break eye contact, even as he cashed Lacy out. I couldn’t look away from him; once again I was hypnotized by something I couldn’t explain. He had such an intense control over my emotions, and I found it terrifying. Terrifying and heartbreaking. I hated him. “Hayley c’mon,” Lacy called from the EXIT door. I quickly blinked away my tears before following her.
Once we were back at my house the questions began to pour out of Lacy.
“What the fuck was that all about?” she asked me. I read the back of the movie, ignoring her question. “Hayley, what the hell was that between you and Mr. Foster?”
“We’re just friends. He’s my boss, okay?”
“My boss has never looked at me that way,” Lacy commented. I could feel my cheeks burning bright red. “I've also never heard an employee talk about their boss as much as you do.”
“Stop,” I warned. I didn’t know what else to say.
“When we walked in there today it was so...intense. He stared at you as if you'd ripped his heart out.” I could feel myself becoming emotional. “And then I looked over at you and you had the same look on your face.” Tears entered my eyes. I continuously told myself to hold them back. If Lacy saw me crying over this she would intuitively know something had happened between us.
“You both just looked so empty without each other.” I stared at the wall, counting each square to distract my thoughts. “Why did you stop working there, Hayley? What happened? Is he the reason you’ve been so distraught lately?” I wanted to start from the beginning and tell her everything that had been happening between him and I. I wanted to tell her how strong my feelings had become and how terrified I was. I wanted to hear her opinion on the situation; I needed an outsider’s perspective.
“You’re delusional,” I lied. “Now let’s watch the movie.” I knew that she didn’t buy a word I said but I didn’t care. Nick was the one secret that belonged to me; I didn’t want anyone taking that away.
•••
I had completely forgotten about the party until Alex texted me, reminding me that it started at ten. I had no desire to go and when I told him that, I received a very long, sweet message about how everyone at Triple D wanted me to be there. I was beginning to think that he used to word ‘everyone’ loosely. The moment he promised me alcohol I was sold on the idea of going; I wanted nothing more than to get hammered. Maybe then I would stop thinking about Nick.
Lacy was spending the night with Taylor and my parents were oblivious to everything, saving me an awkward explanation as to where I was going. I climbed into my car around a quarter past ten, running a bit later than I expected. I couldn’t find my favorite black jeans so I settled with the tightest, ass squeezing white pants I could find. I felt like a hypocrite, considering I would always scold Lacy for dressing provocatively to capture someone’s attention. I, however, wanted Nick to see exactly what he was missing, and if that meant white jeans and a lowcut top, so be it.
Alex’s house was much larger than I expected. I had predicted he would reside in a one-bedroom bachelor pad. Instead, it was a 3-story home with a hot tub. Teresa was the first person to embrace me in her arms once I entered the house. She immediately began asking me why I hadn’t been into work and if I was going to come back. I shrugged my shoulders and allowed her to lead me to the drinks. I felt somewhat out of place since I was considerably younger than everyone else. I ignored the awkward feeling and sipped on a fruity, green drink.
It wasn’t long before I was doing shots with Alex and a few other coworkers. There were around twenty people there and I knew about six of them. Alex forgot to mention that he was inviting his college buddies and other friends, too. My social anxiety was gone, however, thanks to the multiple alcoholic beverages I had consumed. I looked around the house for Nick, relieved yet disappointed when I realized he hadn’t come.
“Having fun?” Alex asked me. I stared at his face as hard as I could. I had never noticed how cute he was until that moment. He had brown hair, green eyes and a gorgeous smile. I couldn’t help but stare at his muscles bulging through his black shirt. “Like what you see?” he whispered into my ear. I felt my entire body turn warm. He quickly sat his drink on the nearest counter and took my hand in his. He led us upstairs and into his bedroom, away from the rowdy guests.
“I’m so drunk,” I slurred, lying down on his bed. It felt so soft and warm underneath my body. “Come lay by me,” I whispered. Alex sat down on the bed beside me and smiled warmly.
“You’re so cute,” he told me. I shook my head back and forth, laughing at how dizzy I became. My laughing ceased the moment Alex’s hand touched my leg. I was fire all over again. “I want to kiss you,” he whispered to me. I tapped lightly on my lips before pulling him on top of me, allowing his kiss to completely take over. He tasted like cigarette smoke and vodka but in that moment, I didn’t care. “I always took you as a good girl,” he whispered in between kisses. His hands trailed up and down my leg, creating goosebumps. “What do you and The Boss talk about in that tiny little room?” His kisses traveled down my stomach. “Or do you even talk at all?” The mention of Nick slightly pissed me off.
“We don’t talk about anything,” I snapped.
“Don’t get so defensive baby.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “It’s obvious that you two do much more than talk.” His hands squeezed my ass, hard. “Why don’t you show me what you do to him?” he asked, lightly kissing my neck.
“What the fuck is this?” I heard someone shout. I strained my neck to see who had entered the room but instead, fell off the bed. Holy shit. I was drunk. “Hayley stand up,” the voice demanded. Alex quickly removed himself from the bed and scrambled out of the room. I leaned against the floor and rubbed my head, confused at what just happened. Suddenly the light was on, blinding me.
“Make it dim,” I demanded. Luckily, he listened.
“So, you’re talking to me now?” Nick asked, sitting beside me. Of course it was Nick. Of all the people in the entire world to interrupt me getting laid, it would
be him. I wanted to hit him. “You’re hooking up with Alex now? Really?” I couldn’t believe the audacity of him. Who was he to tell me who I could and couldn’t sleep with?
“What’s the worst he could’ve done?” I slurred. “Fuck me and leave me? He wouldn’t be the first.” Nick grabbed my wrists and forced me to look up at him.
“I don’t want anything to happen to you.” His eyes were filled with terror, causing my heart to catch in my throat. “I did what I had to do.”
“You had to use me for your own sexual toy?” I asked, slamming my hands into his chest. It came out less powerful than I intended and turned into a sloppy shove. “You had to tell me you loved me which you were eight fucking inches deep inside of me?” He flinched at my words. “And what do you mean, ‘So, you’re talking to me now’? You’re the one who’s been ignoring me.” I shouted. He went to place his hand on my shoulder before I ripped it off, shoving him with more force than last time.
“You’re a mess,” he muttered. Anger consumed me.
“Of course I’m a fucking mess!” I screamed. “I love you, Nick. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I opened up to you. I told you my deepest, most terrible secrets. I put myself out there and that's a huge fucking deal. That was brave of me! That was a first!” His eyes widened as my voice rose. I didn’t care, I was drunk and irate.
“After everything you’ve put me through, I should hate you. I should hate you more than I hate anyone else. You used me, Nick. You told me you loved me while you fucked me. I'm glad I was able to see how horrible of a person you actually are. You were right.” Tears spilled down my face. “God, I wished you would never prove me wrong. I wanted you to be wrong. I really did. But you know what?” I asked. He remained silent. “You’re the monster you perceived yourself to be.”
I stared at him, proud that I had summoned enough courage to tell him how I felt. It made me feel powerful to know that I could shut him up with the cold, harsh truth. He knew that I had caught onto his sick little games. He knew he was fucked.
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