“I’m going to go to the bookstore across the street,” she informed me. “I’ll be back in…I’ll be back in a while.” With that, she walked out of the shop, leaving Nick and I alone. He stepped behind the counter, quickly made me a new latte―he still knew my order―and led me over to the same booth Lacy and I had been sitting at.
“Hayley…” He began. I could not physically or mentally handle this. I felt as if someone had placed a boulder against my chest, suffocating me. I was feeling every emotion to exist. Anger. Resentment. Shock. Despair.
“It’s been five years.” My voice was clipped. I hated the way he flinched at my words but I couldn’t help it. “It has been five damn years since I’ve seen you. And now you just happen to be here, at the exact time I am? This can’t be real.” Coffee splashed against my cup, burning my skin. He placed his hand over mine in attempt to cease the shaking.
“I can’t believe it either… But here we are.” What was I supposed to say? “You’ve grown up so much,” he murmured. His comment nearly sent me overboard, but I had learned to contain my emotions. Thank you, therapy.
“Why are we having this conversation?” Bitterness was consuming me.
“What do you mean?” His voice was filled with hurt. “You’re mad.” Something inside me snapped; I was back to being eighteen with an uncontrollable temper.
“Mad?” Laughter escaped my throat. “You left me, Nick. You left me with absolutely nothing.” My face was becoming hot with anger. “You left me with a stupid note that gave me some bullshit excuse about you having to leave. You didn’t have to do anything, Nick. You chose to walk away from me, from my life. You chose to cut off all means of communication. No calls. No texts. No emails. Nothing.” I completely disregarded the breathing techniques I had learned throughout college. There was no stopping me from my outburst. “You told me to move on, yet you didn’t tell me how. You told me you were leaving, but you didn’t explain why. I was alone, Nick. I had no one. And you left me, while I was asleep, as if it were the easiest thing in the entire world.”
“That’s not true.” I wasn’t sure why we were even having this conversation; this wasn’t going to change anything. “I had to leave, Hayley. I was given no choice.” I began to interject when he lifted his hand to silence me. “If I hadn’t left, we would have been exposed. Not only would you have had to testify against Adam, but me as well.” I flinched at his name.
Nick’s eyebrows furrowed, something he used to do whenever we were grading papers. My chest ached from the memories. “I couldn’t do that to you, and neither could your father. The only way for all of this to end was for me to leave…To spare you from all of it.”
His reasoning was flawed. “What about after the trial, after he was sent away. I was eighteen, Nick.”
“I was still a teacher, Hayley.”
“What about after I graduated? You could’ve found me…Talked to me. We could’ve worked things out.”
“I tried.” I didn’t believe him. “I went to your house, in pursuit to find you and explain myself to you. Your father answered the door…He told me that you had gone to California to attend Berkley.” No. No, no, no. None of this could be true. “I tried to call but each time I was sent to a message system, notifying me that your number was no longer in service.” I was forced to change my number after Adam. “My emails failed.” I shook my head back and forth, unconvinced. He pulled his phone out of his pocked and handed it to me. “Go through my SENT folder.” I did as he instructed, locating his email app, and finding the folder. I scrolled down the page, passing each month. Hundreds of emails, all declined. Hundreds of emails, all addressed to me.
“I tried for months, Hayley. Years. I can’t begin to explain how many plane tickets I’ve bought.” He ran a hand through his perfectly groomed hair. “I figured you hated me. How could you not? I left you with nothing, Hayley. I know I did.” Sigh. “But I did it for you.”
“I’m not some naïve, lovestruck eighteen-year-old anymore.” I wanted to wrap my arms around him, bury my head into his chest and welcome him back into my life. I wanted to intertwine our fingers together and press my lips against his. One conversation and my heart was once again in his possession.
“I know you’re not,” he whispered. “But you’re still Hayley.” Hearing my name come out of his voice destroyed yet another piece of my tampered soul. “There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you, Hayley. Your voice, your smell, your stories…They’ve plagued me since the day I left you in the hospital bed. I have tried, again and again, to find something even remotely similar to what we had. And each time, they failed. There’s no going back after what we had, at least not for me.”
“There is no going back,” I confirmed. “You made sure of that.”
“I understand that you’re angry with me. You have every right to be angry and hate me. I will never hold you responsible for feeling that way.”
“What do you want me to say to you? There’s nothing that can erase what happened between us, Nick.” My eyes were going to betray me; I could feel the familiar sting that came with tears. “I spent day, after day, after day, waiting for you. I tried to move on. I even found someone…Someone who would have never hurt me. But I just…I heard your name and that was it. I hurt people because of you, Nick. I hurt people because I truly believe that I am forever bound to you. I am bound to you, yet I refuse to ever let you back in.”
“Hayley, please. Please just―”
“I would wake up, every morning, praying that ‘today was the day.’ I prayed that my views on you would change…I prayed that I would see you as a monster. It would have made everything so much easier, you know?” He nodded his head, keeping his eyes locked on mine. “It never happened, Nick.” Silence. “There have been nights, even now, where I find myself sitting in my car, parked in front of your front door. I don’t know why I do it,” I murmured. “I dream about you. I think about you. I have tried, again and again, to forget about what we had. And I can’t. I don’t think I ever will.”
“You aren’t meant to forget it, Hayley.”
“Don’t even attempt to blame this on fate. That’s bullshit, Nick.” Hearing his name leave my mouth nearly sent me over the edge.
“How can this not be fate?” he asked me. “This is the definition of fate, Hayley. Open your eyes and realize that this, right here, is fate.” I shook my head back and forth. “Hayley look at me.” I obeyed. “I have dreaded this day since the moment I left you. Your birthday, every damn year, is just another reminder that I let go of the best thing that has ever happened to me.” I fixed my gaze on a grain of salt. “Those nights in the movie store…Those memories consume my thoughts. I remember the way you looked sleeping and it has killed me. Knowing that you were going to move on ripped me apart. Hayley, why can’t you see that I still love you?”
I had dreamt of hearing those words come out his mouth for the last four years, and there it was. I wanted to tell him to say it again; I needed to know that this was real. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t.
“I need to leave,” I informed him.
“Please don’t,” he whispered. I dug into my purse before handing him a piece of paper. “What is this?” he asked.
“Just in case.”
Fifty-Two
Nick
It stared down at the ten digit number Hayley had left me. I had programmed the number into my phone hours ago, but the paper remained glued to my hand. It was the only piece of evidence that proved today had happened. My God, she was more beautiful than I had remembered. My dreams had not done her beauty justice.
I had spent five years grieving the loss of my soulmate. I had never anticipated that I would see her again, but the universe had brought us back together. The look on her face when she had laid eyes on me had taken me back to the day I had desperately tried to forget. It was the same look she gave me before the nurses pumped her full of sedatives.
I ran my hand over my jaw, contempl
ating calling her. It was too soon, I needed to act rationally. But how soon could it really be after five torturous years? I ached to hear her voice again. I needed to remind her of everything we had shared together; I needed her to realize we were meant to be. I had promised her that I would always love her, and I had kept that promise the entire time.
I quickly dialed Rachel’s number, hoping that she was awake. I hadn’t seen her in nearly six months, though I knew she would be just as shocked as I was. After a few moments, she answered the phone.
“Are you okay?” Worry plagued her voice. I was quickly reminded of the many drunken, manic phone calls I had made over the years. “Nick?”
“I’m fine,” I assured her. “I saw her today.”
Her voice increased several octaves. “Who?”
I felt my pulse rise. “Hayley,” I whispered. “I saw her at Mom’s coffee shop.” Rachel made an unintelligible noise before returning back to the speaker.
“What were you doing there?”
“She needed me to pick something up for her. Rachel, tell me this isn’t insane. What are the chances of her being there today? I have been at the University nearly every day for the last month. If I had put off seeing Mom, I would have missed her.”
She waited a few moments before responding. “How are you feeling, Nick?” I stared down at my scarred knuckles. “I need you to think about this before calling her, alright? I can’t stand the thought of you spiraling again. Look, I need to go. My med—I’m just really tired. Can we talk about this later?” There was something off in her voice, but I chose not to question her.
“Of course, I love you.” She mumbled a tired ‘I love you’ back before the other line went silent. I opened the photo album on my phone before scrolling to the top. I clicked on the picture that I had been avoiding for far too long. Staring back at me was a younger version of myself, smiling into the camera as Hayley’s cheek was pressed against mine. She had practically begged me to take the picture and I had relented. I held the phone closely to my chest before making my way to my bed.
•••
It had been three weeks since I had last seen Hayley, and the hole in my chest was expanding rapidly. I submerged myself at the University, offering tutoring session and office hours every chance I had. When I was finished with work, I would spend hours in the gym, attempting to clear my mind. When nothing worked, I would drag my sore body home before passing out in front of half-graded papers.
That night, I awoke to my phone going off. I quickly glanced at the screen, reading it was a quarter past eleven. I pressed the device to my ear, straining to hear the person on the other side. A few moments passed before a violent sob reached my ear.
“Mama?” Worry plagued me as my mother wailed into the speaker. “What’s going on?”
“You need to come to the hospital, Nick. It’s Rachel.”
I had never taken my car over one hundred miles-per-hour before tonight. I ran every red light, weaving in and out of traffic. Several people laid on their horn, sticking their middle finger out of the window and screaming profanity at me. I hadn’t cared, nor had I noticed. My gaze was fixated on the endless road in front of me.
I pushed through the hospital doors, searching for my mother. I found her on the second floor, her back against the wall. Her head was resting in the palms of her hands as her sobs echoed throughout the room. I ran to her, shaking her out of her cries. She slowly lifted her head towards me, her eyes meeting mine. I felt the air escape my lungs as her look confirmed my worst fear.
The familiar sound of an outgoing call filled my head as my vision tunneled. I pressed myself against the wall for support. My knees bucked underneath me as her sleepy voice reached my ears.
“Hello?” she asked. I pressed my fist into my mouth, suppressing a sob that desperately needed released.
“She’s gone,” I whispered. It was the first time the words had been said aloud. I pressed my hands against my face, praying that I woke up. The words repeated themselves in my mind, wrapping themselves around my throat and strangling me. My vision was blurred from my acidic tears. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was suffocating. “Rachel is gone.”
“Where are you?”
Fifty-Three
Hayley
I ran out of my car and into the hospital as fast as my feet would take me. I could feel my heartbeat thudding against my ears, threatening to rupture at any moment, but I couldn’t stop until I found Nick. I called his name out as I paced down the halls. I found him leaned against a wall, hands covering his eyes and his shoulders shaking. I wrapped my arms around him and allowed for him to completely fall apart. Our tears collided and created a puddle around us, drowning us in a breathtaking wave of grief.
“I can’t breathe, Hayley,” he sobbed. “She’s really gone.” His grip tightened around my body; I could feel his heartbeat. “My baby sister.” I rubbed his back, talking him through another panic attack.
After a few hours at the hospital, I followed Nick back to his house. Despite everything, I refused to leave him alone for the night. I couldn’t bear the thought of him crying by himself.
I followed him up the stairs and into his bedroom. He collapsed before making it to his bed, painful sobs escaping him. I sat on the floor beside him, cradling his head in my lap. I repeated soft, careful words into his ear, promising him that it was okay to cry. He wrapped his hands around my arms and held on as if his life depended on it.
“I don’t understand why this would happen,” he whispered. I had somehow managed to lift him from the floor and onto his bed. His head remained buried in my chest, soaking my shirt with his tears. I held onto him, running my hands through his hair. “She has been cancer free since she was sixteen,” he cried. “She was fucking engaged, Hayley. She had her entire life ahead of her.”
“I am so sorry,” I whispered. “I am so sorry, Nick.”
He fell asleep around eight in the morning. Even in his sleep he let out an occasional sob, pulling me closer to his chest.
I was once under the impression that I knew what a true heartbreak was but this, this was so much more. The man I had loved for the last five years of my life had just lost his best friend. Nothing could compare to the pain he was feeling.
•••
The next few days were a blur. I called my father and notified him that I would not be able to help his clients for a while. I explained the situation to him, and he immediately took care of all funeral costs. Nick attempted to decline the offers, but my father refused to accept no for an answer. Despite my mother’s distaste, my father had always believed that Nick had saved my life. No amount of money could repay that. Lacy had called me multiple times while I was with Nick, but every moment was filled with something that needed taking care of. Once I found a few minutes to spare, I called her.
“What can I do to help?”
“The funeral is tomorrow,” I told her. “It would mean a lot if you could come to it. I know it’s a bit of a drive but I just─”
“I’m packing a bag right now.” I loved her more than life. “How’s Nick holding up? I know they were close.”
“He hasn’t cried since the night she passed away,” I explained. “All of the funeral planning is keeping him occupied, but I’m concerned. She was his best friend.” Lacy stayed quiet on the other line. “I feel so helpless, Lacy. I hate to see him so upset.”
“You being there is helping him, Hayley. I’m sure he appreciates everything you’re doing.” Nick walked back into the room, and I quickly said goodbye to Lacy.
“Lacy’s coming down to help with everything, if that’s okay.” Nick slowly nodded his head as he stared blankly at the ground. I wrapped my arms around his waist and allowed for him to rest his head on my shoulder. “I’m proud of how strong you’ve been.” He kissed the top of my head before embracing me in a hug.
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked. I pulled away from him, unsure of what he had to apologize for. Anything that had happene
d in the past didn’t matter right now; it could be discussed at a different time. My only concern was Nick’s wellbeing, along with his families. “When I found out Rachel…died…I didn’t know who else to call. I just…I needed you, Hayley. You were the first person I could think of.” Tears brimmed my eyes.
“I’m glad you called me.” I wanted to leave the conversation at that, there was no reason to get into our relationship when we had a million other things to do. I had no desire to add more stress to Nick’s life. I embraced him in a hug, allowing the heat from his body to consume me.
“My mom wants me to go to her apartment and pick out something for her to wear at the funeral. She said it’s too hard for her…” he trailed off. After a few moments he continued. “Will you come with me?” I squeezed him a little tighter and agreed to go.
Although I had been around his family for a few days, Nick was the only person I had had a conversation with. His mother was either locked in her room or running out of the house before I could speak to her. His father was very distant, and scarcely at their home. I was unsure with how to approach them, so I decided it was best to give them their space. When the time was right, I would speak with them.
We pulled into Rachel’s apartment complex around noon. Nick grabbed ahold of my hand as I turned the key into the lock. The door opened with a sullen creak. The inside of the apartment looked as if it had been plucked out of a magazine. Small, green plants lined the edges of each window.
Ruin Me Page 23