by Lane, Arie
Walking into the kitchen, I find Maddie and Mrs. Anders talking.
“Any improvement?” I ask.
“Nothing here. She’s hardly said more than five words today, and when she does, it’s a simply good morning, or thank you,” Mrs. Ander’s says.
“Fucking hell. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. After everything we’ve been through, this shit makes no sense. Why the fuck is she pushing me away? I don’t know what to think. I’m not used to her being emotional. I’m used to her being a snarky, sarcastic, smart ass. I miss having that with her,” I admit.
“Speaking of emotional, did she talk to you about today? I’m really sorry I slipped. She was so upset when I told her you were planning something special. I thought she’d be happy, but instead she just kind of lost it,” Maddie says.
“Yeah, she let me know in less than stellar fashion just how much I better leave her birthday alone. She went on a whole rage fueled rant about how I need to step back and stop trying to make things right. How some things need to just be as they are? It doesn’t make any sense,” I grumble, while taking a seat across from her.
“Are you sure about that? The not making sense part…I mean think about it...everything has been turned upside down. Her monster of a mother is dead, the sister she thought was dead isn’t, yet she wants nothing to do with her. The man she thought was her father isn’t, and through all of that, she still has to live with all of the hell she endured on that day,” she remarks while chopping garlic.
“I hadn’t really thought about that. I suppose that could be true. I just figured since I’ve been trying to make a big deal of everything to make up for lost time that maybe she’s grown sick of my grand gestures.”
“I don’t think she could ever grow sick of you, Tristan, I just think she’s still hurting and that her birthday is the ultimate reminder.”
I sit in silence as Maddie makes dinner. Since Bentley insists on not doing anything for her birthday, I ask Maddie just whip up something so we could enjoy a quiet dinner. I found the perfect birthday present but I’m not sure she won’t flip out on me for giving it to her.
Aggie reminds me how diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but it’s different for Bentley since the diamond is also her birthstone. I found a book charm made outlined in diamonds and I thought it would make a nice addition to her bracelet. I ordered it long before I mentioned anything to Maddie, so now it’s just sitting upstairs until I know Bentley won’t freak when I give her it.
Bentley
We are sitting in the living room watching some stupid action movie and eating dinner. I was helping myself to another scoop of fettuccine when Tristan starts chuckling.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were eating for two,” he teases.
I look over at him puzzled, “What do you mean?” I ask, wondering why he would think that. Have I put on weight and not noticed?
“Baby, you’ve been eating a little extra with each meal now for the past week. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just saying is there something you need to tell me,” he jokes.
I pale considerably as I think about his question, and wonder if there is something I’m missing. I’ve had so many things happen this past year that it’s hard to even remember if I’m coming or going. When I think about it though, I remember something that makes me sick to my stomach.
I excuse myself and rush to the bathroom. I’m not feeling nauseous, yet everything I just ate decided this would be a good time to projectile itself into the porcelain throne that I’m hovering over.
How the fuck could I have been so careless? I know exactly what’s happening, but I doubt Tristan will be so understanding of it. He trusted that I was protected, and I wasn’t. The last thing I can handle is him thinking I purposely deceived him. He doesn’t know that I have an aversion to the idea of having children. After everything I’ve suffered and witnessed, I just don’t think I’m capable of loving someone in that way.
It was right after I settled into my cabin up north. I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible pelvic pains and ended up in the emergency room. The doctor informed me that the pains were caused by my IUD becoming dislodged, and that it would have to be removed. I asked if it could just be replaced, but it had torn through some tissue that would need to heal first.
I had scheduled an appointment with a local O.B. but it was for three months out. It wasn’t a big deal at the time since I had no intentions of having sex. Unfortunately everything happened with Marco before that appointment and I never got my IUD replaced. It never even crossed my mind that I was missing my birth control.
What if I really am pregnant? What the fuck would I tell Tristan? I don’t think I’m capable of raising a baby and even if he thinks I did it to trap him, I’m positive he’d never forgive me if I told him I don’t want to keep it. I overheard Marco and him talking about children on more than one occasion. Maybe he won’t want it now though…maybe since we’re just getting comfortable with each other again that he’ll think it’s too soon.
I sit on the bathroom floor crying hysterically. I can’t breathe as the panic washes over me. I’m hyperventilating and gasping for air as the fear I’m feeling seizes me.
There is no getting around this. I’ve grown so use to not having a cycle that it didn’t even occur to me when it stopped again. I know without having to take a test that one of my biggest fears is coming to pass.
I can’t hear the pounding on the door as I struggle to breathe. I’m curled in on myself when he breaks through the door.
“Baby what’s going on? What’s the matter?” he asks panicking, before falling to the floor and trying to pull me to him.
I can’t say anything, I can barely breathe as I shake and continue to sob.
“Bentley, baby, I was just joking. Whatever it is you're thinking, it’s not a big deal. I wasn’t trying to make you upset. Please talk to me,” he begs.
I try to make the words out but I can’t. They just come out a jumbled mess that makes no sense. I feel like the world is closing in on me. I’m so sure that if he knows the truth, the last thing he would be trying to do right now is comfort me. I don’t think I can feel any worse right now, but somehow he manages to prove me wrong with what he says next.
“Bentley, I love you, no matter what you think is so bad. I will always love you. I promised you I wasn’t going anywhere. I don’t care if you killed someone, I would still be by your side.”
I can’t keep the words from escaping my lips. I suddenly have a severe care of diarrhea of the mouth. “That’s not true, you’d hate me if I killed your baby,” I say before I can shut the fuck up.
He grows really still as he speaks. “What do you mean kill my baby? Did you have an abortion or something, Bentley? Is that why you’re in here freaking the fuck out? What the fuck did you do, Bentley?” he shouts angrily.
I shake my head back and forth, denying his accusation. “I haven’t done anything, Tristan, I didn’t even realize it until you said something. I’m so fucking sorry. I never meant for this to happen,” I cry.
“Never meant for that to happen? Is this about me or you Bentley? What are you sorry for? Are you pregnant? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Is that why you’re in here crying, because you don’t want a baby with me?” he questions through gritted teeth.
I turn to face him. How could he ever think this is about him? He’s fucking perfect. He knows how to love unconditionally. He would make a wonderful parent. I’m the one who would fuck everything up.
I sit there on the floor and confess years’ worth of fears. How I don’t think I could ever love someone the way a parent should love their child. How I’m afraid that everything I have been through would influence and destroy any child I bring into this world. And my fear of him hating me for overlooking something with such big consequences.
By the time I’m done crying, I am emotionally exhausted, my face is swollen and blotchy, I can’t see straight, and I’m
a hormonal head case. And to top it all off, his anger at the idea of my not wanting his baby has faded, as he sits here holding me and listens to be blubber like a fucking moron. My exhaustion eventually gets the better of me as I fall asleep on the floor.
Chapter 19
Tristan
I have no idea what to expect when I break the bathroom door in. Finding Bentley terrified and crying on the floor, I fear for the worst. I’m sure it’s my fault, that I’ve somehow done or said something to hurt her.
When she mentions the notion of killing a baby, my baby, I fucking lose it. I’ve made no secret about wanting to be a father someday, and the idea that she somehow took that away from me has me seeing red. It takes every ounce of self-control not to shake the shit out of her to get her to tell me what the fuck she means.
I’m so fucking pissed off, I barely register her confession. This isn’t about something she has already done. It isn’t even about something she plans to do. I was so fucking caught up in the idea of a perfect family with her, that I completely lost sight of all the shit she’s been through. It never occurred to me that she might not want children. Granted I’ve mentioned children, just not to her. It‘s more wishful thinking with Marco. To see her lying on this floor hyperventilating about her fear of not being good enough, of not being capable of loving a baby as a mother, tears me up inside.
It’s one thing I can’t reassure her about, no matter how much I want to. It’s the first time since I met Bentley where I’m faced with having to admit she is broken. I try so fucking hard to forget how much she hasbeen hurt. I want this to be something that she can be happy about. Instead, she’s terrified I’ll hate her for some imaginary deception. I can’t tell her in enough words just how not angry with her I am. She is so lost in her own fears that she doesn’t believe a single word I say. It’s fucking killing me. I feel like I’m dying inside as I watch her break down and fall apart.
I don’t bother to tell her I already suspect she is pregnant. I should have told her I knew about the IUD, not that she didn’t have it put back in, but I knew it was taken out. Jacob had obtained her medical records. I knew it was a possibility that she didn’t have it replaced. It didn’t stop me from being with her. If anyone was deceptive, it was me because I know her well enough to know it wouldn’t even occur to her. Yet, I never brought it up.
I always just figured if it happened sooner than later, then so be it. So we would start a family earlier than intended. It isn’t a big deal to me, yet had I known how scared she is, I never would have let this happen. As scared as she is at the idea of having a baby, I’m petrified if she knew the truth, that she’d tell me it’s over for good.
So much for trying to make this birthday one to remember… At least now I know why she’s been pushing me away. She probably doesn’t even realize how erratic she’s been behaving. I feel like an asshole. I’ve been complaining to Maddie and Mrs. Anders when I should have been talking to Bentley.
She exhausted herself and eventually cried herself to sleep on the bathroom floor. I carry her upstairs and tuck her in after stripping her clothes off. I can’t imagine all of the fucked up thoughts running through her head, all of the shit that must have plagued her mind when the realization hit her. No wonder she is pissed every time she sees me talking to Maddie. She probably thinks the fucking worst, and after my outburst earlier, I have a feeling I’ll be trying to make up a hell of a lot more to her.
I wonder if subconsciously she isn’t pushing everyone away to ease whatever imaginary rejection she is expecting. Lying next to her, I run my hand across her stomach and imagine seeing the little life growing inside of her. I continue to trace her stomach as she rolls to face me and curls herself around me. I hold her tightly to me as I drift off into a dream filled sleep.
Waking up, I have a new sense of reality. No matter what she thinks, everything is about to change. She is still sleeping when I slip out of the bed and send an email to Marco. I know she’d probably want to give him the news herself, but I need him to know in order to set certain plans in motion.
I spend the next hour searching for a book signing in the area. I don’t want her to have to fly so it has to be local. The only one happening even remotely close happens to fall on the day before my birthday. I know if nothing else, I can guilt trip her into attending it as an early birthday gift to me. It‘s a dirty trick, but I refuse to feel bad as long as things go the way I want them to.
I spend hours reading up on pregnancy, and decide she could probably use toast and juice. I know she’s likely to bite my head off for babying her, but she’ll get use to that shit because I plan on babying her ass through every damn day of this.
Maddie is in the kitchen cleaning up the mess I left out from the night before.
“Was something wrong with dinner last night? I saw the plates sitting half full on the coffee table and there was puke all over the bathroom floor this morning. I hope I didn’t make anyone sick.”
I reply to her reassuringly, “Your food was great, Maddie. Bentley got sick last night but it didn’t have anything to do with your cooking. Although it might be good if she sticks to mild foods for a while,” I say.
“Why would she need to…oh, I see. When you say she needs mild foods, are we referring to mild morning foods?” she inquires.
I know she is trying to ask without asking directly, but again I don’t know how Bentley would feel about people knowing before she’s ready to say anything.
“It’s all new, Maddie, I don’t think she’s ready to discuss it just yet, so I’d appreciate it if you keep it to yourself. She’ll tell everyone when she’s ready. As of now, we don’t even know how far along she is. I scheduled an appointment for her later today but I just want to give her some space to adjust to it all. I didn’t even consider how hard she might take the news, and last night she took it pretty fucking hard. She’s scared to death so I just want to make it easier in any way I can.”
“Oh wow,” she states. “That makes so much more sense, especially if she didn’t even know. The poor girl probably didn’t even realize how badly her hormones have been messing with her, and all of this time she…well...she thought we were talking behind her back. I’m sorry I said something about it; I just thought her outbursts were irrational. But now I understand completely. I kind of snapped at her the other night. She flipped out on me for spending so much time around you, and practically accused me of messing around with you behind her back. I was really pissed, Tristan, and I said some nasty things. I’m really sorry. She must feel so alone right now and we all contributed to her isolation.”
“I don’t want to know what you said to her, Maddie. I know she might have been irrational, but that’s not going to cut it. You going out of your way to hurt her, so just shut up about that. If I don’t know about it, I can’t hold it against you. I didn’t come down here to justify anyone’s actions I just want to bring her some toast and juice since she puked up everything she ate last night,” I say.
I head back into the bedroom with Bentley’s breakfast but she’s not in bed. I head to the bathroom off of her room and find her on the floor leaning over the toilet dry heaving. Her hair is tangled all around her, and she is shaking again.
I walk over to the shower and let the water run until I have the temperature right, then helped her up while pulling her robe off. She is an absolute fucking mess and still the more gorgeous woman in existence. Her hair is a rat’s nest, her eyes are still swollen along with her bee stung lips, she doesn’t have a single stitch of makeup on and still she is drop dead sexy in my eyes. I’m not even fazed when she turns back around to dry heave again.
Getting her into the shower is no small task since every other minute her stomach is convulsing. I’m rubbing her neck as she falls back against me. I continue to move my hands across her, brushing them down her arms and across her ribcage. She moans when my fingers graze across her nipples, instantly perking up under my touch.
As her body respon
ds to my touch, she pushes her ass into me and my cock hardens on contact. She doesn’t even hesitate as she turns around and takes my length in her hand. I groan as she strokes my shaft, squeezing and brushing her thumb across the head. She continues to deliver her hand-job as I delve my tongue into her mouth.
I reach a hand down and slipping two fingers across her pussy, then plunge a finger inside of her as she chews on my lower lip. Taking control of the kiss, I capture the moan escaping her as I force her mouth wider with my tongue. I’ve heard that pregnant women tend to be hornier, and judging from Bentley’s behavior, the rumors are true. I let her take the lead as she pushes both of us into the shower wall.
Dipping another finger inside her, I finger fuck her while circling her clit with my thumb. I don’t know which one of is closer to the edge. I flip our position and pin her against the wall. She lifts her leg and hugs it around me. I hoist her between the wall and me, but don’t enter her right away. Instead, I tease at her entrance with my cock while taking her nipple in my mouth as the water cascaded down my back. She is moaning and mewling as I switch between sucking and flicking the hardened bud with the tip of my tongue. By the time I have lavished both with attention, I can feel her wetness pooling against me.
The way her body is responding to me was so damn seductive, and it’s testing my already limited self-control. She is grinding her hips against my dick, needing to feel the friction it creates against her clit. She lifts her hips as I widen the gap between us, then impales herself on my cock. It’s pure pleasure as she bounces up and down riding my dick.