by Derek Ailes
“It was a trick? Killbesa used them to lure you here,” he said pointing at the spirit next to him.
“Who are you pointing at?” Mace didn’t see anyone next to him.
“Great! I’m imaging beautiful women too!”
“Isn’t it great?”
“No, something’s playing games with us.”
“If it’s a game, I’m willing to be a contestant.”
“Mace, focus!”
“Can’t. A.D.H.D.”
“What is that creepy thing in the glass case behind you?” Tigernaut walked over to the case that housed an antique, female doll with long, reddish hair reminding him of what the lovechild of Raggedy Ann and Willem Dafoe in drag would look like.
Mace saw something shining in the opposite corner and walked over to it. Tigernaut turned his attention away from the doll and grabbed the shiny, silver stone that Mace uncovered. “This is definitely an antique. Definitely Egyptian.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve been alive for hundreds of years. I’ve been to every country and city you can name.”
“Atlantis?”
“There’s nothing there, but a bunch of wimps.”
“There are people in Atlantis?”
“And their leader is as dumb as a jellyfish.”
“There are markings on the stone. Can you read them?”
The markings changed shape before their eyes to English letters. Before Tigernaut could stop him, Mace read them out loud.
“What did you just do?” Tigernaut shouted as the stoned glowed brightly before shattering.
The room filled with smoke and when it cleared, Killbesa was standing before them. She was no longer a spirit, but a superhuman in the flesh.
“After all these years trapped inside the stone, I am free! Thanks to you two idiots, I can reclaim this world as my own!” She grabbed both of them and slammed them into the concrete floor shattering the foundation. She walked over to the beams in the center of the basement and shattered them with her fist causing the floor above them to crash downward. “That should keep you occupied for a while.” She transported through the wall and left the mansion.
As they dug themselves out of the debris, Tigernaut punched Mace in the face. “She’s right. You’re an idiot.”
“Now what?”
“I have a contact in Egypt who deals with historical archives. There must be a document somewhere dealing with Killbesa and how she was imprisoned in the stone.”
“Sounds like a lot of work.”
“You caused this mess, and now we’re both going to clean it up.”
Mace looked up at where the roof used to be. “I’m assuming that hole wasn’t there before.”
“What hole? There isn’t anything left above us. She destroyed the whole mansion.”
“I’m assuming we’re no longer getting paid then.”
“That would be a no. Come on. We must find a way to stop her.”
Professor Janet Collins cautiously opened the door to her office located at the Egyptian Historical Museum of Ancient Artifacts as she watched Tigernaut and Mace approach.
“Professor, what’s wrong?” Tigernaut asked, noticing she was shaking.
“Some woman was here recently. She appeared out of nowhere and temporarily paralyzed me. I just regained my mobility seconds ago.”
“Killbesa,” Mace said in disgust. “What did she want?”
“The grand amulet,” she answered. “Follow me.”
She led them down a long corridor, passing several sarcophagi.
Mace recited the name on each one he passed. “Mum-Ra, Ahkmenrah, Imhotep, Keith Richards.”
“Over here,” Janet said as she stood before an amulet encased in a thick, glass casing. “Killbesa looked at it, read what was written on top, and then left.”
“What does it say?” Mace asked.
“It tells the location of the burial chamber of the Egyptian god Poe Isaacs,” Tigernaut said as he read the hieroglyphics.
“What she failed to realize is that there is writing on the side,” Janet explained.
“Made in Mexico,” Tigernaut read.
“Above that.”
“Fourteen hundred paces to the south.”
“Which means?” Mace asked.
“She’ll be digging in the wrong spot,” Tigernaut answered
“Exactly,” Janet agreed.
“Tigernaut, what’s the plan?” Mace asked.
“We find his tomb before she does.”
“Who is this Poe Isaacs, anyway?” Tigernaut asked.
“He was known as the most powerful god in Egypt. He was considered to be the first being possessing super abilities,” Janet answered.
“He was our kind before being our kind was cool,” Tigernaut explained.
“Be warned. Poe always had four superhumans at his command. Killbesa won’t be the only one you’ll have to look out for,” Janet said.
“So you want us to stop Killbesa from resurrecting a thousand year old superhuman? How hard can that be?” Mace asked.
“Yep, that’s the general idea. If we can stop her, we won’t have to try to stop him,” Tigernaut said.
“Then why are we wasting time talking? Let’s go find the tomb,” Mace said and ran down the corridor.
“I think he should lay off the caffeine,” Janet pointed out.
“That’s how he is before the caffeine. We’ll stop Killbesa, I promise,” Tigernaut said and headed down the corridor.
“Hey, Tigernaut they have an iron maiden!” Mace shouted. “Bring you daughter to the slaughter!”
“Definitely A.D.H.D.”
Tigernaut, Mace, and six people they hired off the streets of Cairo, dug through the sand during the night. As they continued digging they all sang Diggy Diggy Hole. As the moon was at its peak in the sky, they heard the sound of their pickaxes hitting concrete.
Tigernaut ran his fingers around the concrete and motioned to Mace to help him move it aside. As they moved it, the stench from the dead air inside made Mace throw up.
“I see something moving. Hand me your torch,” Tigernaut said to one of the diggers.
“Is it snakes, rats, mole people?” Mace asked.
“Worse. Cockroaches. Why did it have to be cockroaches?”
“Don’t like cockroaches?”
“When I lived in New York City, I lived in this rundown apartment infested with them. They were everywhere; the toilet, bathtub, the overheard light. I was making out with this girl when they all fell from the ceiling covering us.” Tigernaut shivered as he relived the experience, especially the night the cockroaches danced around his apartment while singing, “Welcome to Tigernaut’s apartment.”
“Hey, Tigernaut, long time no see!” the cockroaches in the tomb below shouted and then sang: “Welcome to Poe’s entombment!”
“Earth to Tigernaut, wake up,” Mace said as he slapped him repeatedly.
“Sorry, I thought they were singing.”
“The cockroaches? That’s weird,” Mace said. “Are we going down?”
“Hand me a rope,” Tigernaut instructed. “I’ll go first.”
After Tigernaut was lowered and landed safely, the cockroaches ran away from him. Mace slid down the rope, his gloves catching on fire in the process. He threw them to the side setting some old scrolls on fire.
“I hope those weren’t valuable,” he laughed.
They followed the small tunnel into a large chamber where Poe’s golden sarcophagus was covered in thick webs.
“You don’t think Peter made those?”
Tigernaut gave him a disapproving look.
“Now what?”
“Mace, the bombs.”
Mace handed him several bombs. Tigernaut placed one on each corner of the chamber.
“We have five minutes to get out of here,” Tigernaut warned.
They walked down the tunnel where Killbesa sto
od surrounded by two mutants: Storm Shark and Super Teen Green Machine. Storm Shark was a shark-like creature who possessed the ability to control storms and sharks. Super Teen Green Machine was a blonde, teenage girl wearing a green schoolgirl outfit and cape with a big V surrounded by a circle.
“I thought Poe had four followers?” Tigernaut asked.
“He does,” Killbesa laughed. “Mace, thanks for leading me to him.”
“Mace!” Tigernaut shouted.
“Sorry, Tigernaut. I’ve been under her control since I followed the twins down the elevator.”
“Time’s almost up. The bombs should be exploding Poe into kingdom come,” Tigernaut said.
“About that,” Mace said apologetically. “They’re actually smoke bombs I bought at a fireworks stand.”
“Storm Shark, take those two prisoner,” Killbesa ordered.
“Wait! I thought I was one of you guys,” Mace said.
“Please! Like I would align myself with a weak sheep such as yourself. You served your purpose and you will again one more time. You and Tigernaut will be the first two sacrifices to Poe once he’s resurrected.”
“Mace, when this is over, we’re done!” Tigernaut promised.
“Fine! Mace Murdock is a one man show, anyway!”
“You two are both idiots!” Killbesa shouted. She walked down the tunnel and returned carrying the sarcophagus like it weighed nothing. She jumped upward out of the tomb and onto the ground above where all the diggers were paralyzed.
Storm Shark jumped out of the tomb carrying Tigernaut and Mace.
“Tie them to the post over there,” Killbesa ordered. She ripped the top of the sarcophagus off revealing the decayed superhuman inside.
“Whatever happens, don’t look,” Mace said to Tigernaut.
“Why?”
“Nothing ever goes well in these situations. One minute you’re resurrecting an Egyptian God, the next minute your face is melting away.”
“I think you watch too many movies.”
“Possibly,” Mace said as he jerked his right shoulder out of its socket and pulled his arm out of the restraints.
Killbesa began to chant as the lightning flashed behind her. Her hair stood upward and her eyes glowed red as she continued chanting. Lightning shot through her body and into Poe’s body. Killbesa collapsed. Poe stood up and climbed out of the sarcophagus. He was tall and muscular. His skin was a dark blue and his eyes glowed yellow. His bald head shined in the moonlight.
“It has been too long. The world has fallen into a downward spiral of depravity. I must cleanse this Earth from the disease that is mankind.”
“Excuse me, oh malevolent one. Mace Murdock here. I was wondering how you plan to accomplish such a feat.”
“How dare you interrupt me, puny little creature?”
“Puny little? No woman would describe me as puny, let alone a reject from the Blue Man Group such as yourself.”
“A funny, sarcastic type. Why is there always someone such as yourself who thinks they can stop me?”
“You’ve been defeated before, and you’ll be defeated again.”
“Servants, destroy these two fools!” Poe commanded.
“With pleasure,” Storm Shark shouted. As he swung his arms in the air, a large tornado filled with sharks descended from the sky.
Mace walked over to Leatherface who was watching from the sideline and grabbed the chainsaw away from him. “You can make your chili later.” He revved it up waiting to split a great white shark in half.
As the sharks attacked, Mace fought bravely, dodging as many of them as he could. While he fought the shark infested tornado, Tigernaut grappled with Super Teen Green Machine. She flew at him and knocked him down with one blow. As she spun around to attack again, opening her mouth exposing her two sharp fangs, Tigernaut jabbed her in the chest with one of his wooden stakes.
She looked at him with sad eyes before bursting into a cloud of ashes.
“Wooden stakes versus a vampire. The wooden stakes always win.”
Mace dodged several sharks as he ran toward Storm Shark. A large, great white flew past Storm Shark heading for Mace. Mace jumped into his mouth, ripping its insides as he slid through its body and out its back. Before Storm Shark could maneuver away from the approaching Mace, he was split in half by the chainsaw.
“Fine, I’ll destroy you myself!” Poe shouted. He lifted his hands sucking up all the surrounding sand. Everything around them was pulled forward. The chainsaw flew out of Mace’s hands, and his feet slid across the ground toward Poe. Tigernaut grabbed Mace’s arm as they were both dragged forward.
“Hit him with all you’ve got!” Tigernaut shouted.
Mace pulled all of his bombs out of his pockets and activated them. He threw them forward. As the bombs reached Poe, they exploded. Mace and Tigernaut crashed to the ground as Poe fell backward.
Killbesa watching her master struggling against the two superheroes, ran away leaving her master to his fate.
Mace held his katanas, ready to strike. Tigernaut’s wooden stakes were ready.
“Slice him and dice him,” Mace said. He spun his katanas viciously and when Poe stood back up, he chopped his head off.
Poe’s head rolled down the hill. Mace sliced his body into hundreds of pieces. He placed them all in a plastic grocery bag and walked back over to Leatherface. “Here you go. Prime Poe. Sorry about your chainsaw.”
Leatherface grunted and walked away limping.
“Another mission accomplished,” Mace said.
“Mace, I was serious about us going our separate ways. We are way too different. I fear that you may get me killed one of these days.”
“I understand.” Mace gave him a big hug. “Another day.”
Tigernaut watched him walk away. “Mace, the airport is the other way!”
Mace changed direction and walked away out of view.
“Wow! That was an exciting tale. Tigernaut and I did make a great team, but as with all great duos, we went our separate ways. I’m the Paul Simon and he was the Art Garfunkel. Yes, Tigernaut had a minor career when we separated and I became a big star. I had so many adventures and I’m planning on telling you them all, eventually. This book is almost over. Yes, I mean almost over. Now for fans of all the superhero movies, you always expect a post-credit scene setting up the next big movie. This is not a movie. There is no long list of credits naming every person involved in the making of the movie. What’s an assistant to an assistant anyway? What’s a key grip and what is that person gripping on to? Surprisingly, no animals were harmed in the making of this novel. Well, except the poor horse who gave his life to glue all the pages together. Where was I? Oh, yes, the post-credit scene.”
Bliss Paine
Bliss Paine stood in front of the bar holding a mallet, surrounded by several thugs who wanted to rip her to shreds. Her rainbow-colored hair shined brightly in the moonlit sky. She wore a white t-shirt with the words NAUGHTY GIRL displayed proudly. Her ripped fishnet stockings covered her tattooed legs. Her face was caked with white powder with glitter mixed in. She had stolen thousands of dollars from her ex-boyfriend, Damien Dockenshire, and his thugs were there to collect the payment in blood.
“He sent ten thugs to get little ol’ me? How cute?” She laughed.
“And we’re going to beat you real good,” one of them said.
“Ok, if you guys want to dance, let’s dance.” She pressed a button on the back of the mallet and fired several rounds blowing each of their brains out as she twirled around. As she stopped and admired her handiwork, she laughed. “And that’s how us naughty girls do it these days.”
Several police cars surrounded her.
“Drop your weapon!”
“Aw shucks!” She dropped the mallet on the ground. “You’re going to arrest a darling girl like me after I just killed several of the most dangerous thugs in the city? That’s just not right.”
“On the
ground!”
“I’ll lie on the ground free of charge,” she laughed as she was cuffed and placed in the back of one of the police cars. “How kinky!”
The officer ignored her the best he could as she flirted with him. As he drove the car away, he occasionally checked his rearview mirror as she continued to blow him kisses.
“I can see you trying to sneak a peek at me. You can’t resist me. All guys submit to me, eventually.”
Bliss sat in her cell whistling as she stared at the ceiling. She hated the orange jumpsuit she was wearing. A single color was never her style. She heard the door to her cell open, and she jumped up ready to seduce whoever walked in. An older man with gray hair wearing a black suit stood in front of her.
“Fancy suit. Expensive. Nice.”
“Monique Mallory.”
“Bliss Paine. Never call me Monique.”
“My apologies, Bliss Paine. Let’s get to the chase. Your rap sheet is more like a novel than a sheet. You’re facing several years in prison. You’ll probably be in a walker by the time you see parole.”
“And your point?”
“You can spend the rest of your life here, or you can come work for the government and your rap sheet disappears.”
“Doing what for the government?”
“Covert missions.”
“Are these the type of missions where I’m caught or killed and the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of my actions?”
“Pretty much.”
“I’ll get to kill people and the government pays me?”
“That’s how it usually works.”
“And I won’t have to wear orange or some stupid uniform?”
“You can wear whatever you want. You can go completely nude as long as you accomplish your mission.”
“Where do I sign up?”
“Bliss Paine! I love Bliss Paine! Derek Ailes promised me that she’ll be my love interest in the next book. I can’t wait! Now I have to do something that Derek told me I have to do. No, it’s nothing kinky. He wants me to beg and yes, he means beg, to have you leave a review for this book. Like all authors, he wants an honest review, but I’m the one asking, not him. I want you to leave a positive review. I like fives. Tell others how great the book is and what your favorite parts are. You can even tell every one of your friends. The Undead Pool is the next great franchise, and the whole world needs to know. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not.