Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  “Oh.”

  I could hear him yawning as he started talking again. “Did you tell him about the baby yet?”

  Jesus. I did not want to talk about that. “Nope. What are you doing?”

  “Way to change the conversation.” He chuckled. “I’m in bed. Why’s that? You up for a bit of phone sex?”

  I really wanted to hang up on him now. “Perve. No, just wondering. I’m passing out.” I was not. I just wanted to end the call.

  “Oh, sorry. Sweet dreams, princess. Goodnight.”

  “Night,” I replied, short and not misleading at all. He was starting to smother me.

  I went back to the games, but it was not long until I was passing out with my phone in my hand, more lives refuelling.

  ***

  My phone was vibrating, and it was waking me up. Ugh, go away. Leave me alone. I want to sleep. Sleepily, I picked it up and pried my eyes open to see an unknown number flashing across the screen. I wanted to just silence the call, but curiosity got the better of me.

  I answered. “Hello?”

  “Don’t hang up.” Griffin’s voice rushed out. “I’m only allowed one call.”

  “Oh, so after so many weeks, you think it’s just okay to pick up and call me. No hello, how are you, but a don’t hang—”

  “Ayla… one call. I haven’t got long.”

  Wait. Just one call? My brows dipped, and I took my finger off the red end button. “Griffin, what’s wrong?” Something was wrong. I could tell.

  “I need you to come get me.”

  I chewed on my lip. Say no and hang up, my mind told me. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” What was I whispering for? I did not even recognise my own voice.

  “Please.”

  “I’m at my parent’s house. Call Karen.” Low blow, but he could call her like she would call him and he’d go running.

  Scoffing, he cursed a muffled fuck and then spoke back into the phone. “I’d rather not. Please, I’ll wait for you.”

  Now I was suspicious. “Where are you?”

  The line was silent for a moment, and then I heard a quiet sigh. “I’m in jail.”

  Say no. Say no. Hang up. It’s taken six weeks to start to move on. Just end the call.

  There was no hesitation as I tossed the covers from my body. “I’m on my way.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  What the hell was I doing?

  I was getting up and dressed at two AM just because he called and asked me to pick him up from jail. How stupid. I was pathetic. I was not going to get there until at least four AM.

  No, it was not pathetic, more like curious. He called and asked for help; it was the most I could do. I was not going to be doing anything else for him. There was nothing more to do. I would help him, bail him out, and be on my merry way.

  Shoving a pair of leggings on, my heart was pounding, and my nerves were overreacting. I felt sick, nervous, and a little excited. I did not know why, but every crazy emotion was coursing through me right now.

  As I opened my bedroom door, putting a jumper over my head, I bumped into something—someone. Untucking my hair with a flick, I immediately lowered my head and cowered like a little girl who could be easily intimidated.

  “Where do you think you’re off to, missy?” My father’s deep voice asked.

  I swallowed a gulp. Not good. “Oh, uh… Out?”

  “Out? Where to? Look, if you’re going out for some rebound thing, or whatever you kids call it these days, don’t bother bringing any men back here.” He warned.

  “Eww. Dad, no. It’s not like that. I’m just going for a drive.” Christ. My dad and sex talk? No, thanks. “I’m not going out for a booty call.”

  “Booty call? I hope to god I never hear that term again.” He seemed to relax, but he still looked confused. “Then where are you going?”

  “Would you prefer the truth or a lie?” I asked, trying to end this conversation as quickly as possible. Why, though? It was not like Griffin was going anywhere.

  Crossing both arms over his chest, he eyed me with caution. “Truth.”

  “I’m going to pick up Griffin from jail.”

  He did not look impressed. “I said, the truth.”

  “Then I’m going to have a threesome with two sexy men and get my rocks off.”

  “Ayla…” he grumbled, deep frown lines forming on his face. “That’s a visual I don’t need.”

  I rolled my eyes, trying to get past him, but he blocked my way. “Dad, I told you. Griffin called, and he needs my help.”

  I expected him to scold me or even send me marching back into my room, but he just sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. “Keys are in my briefcase. Drive carefully.”

  “You’re not… I don’t understand.” Shouldn’t he be telling me to let him rot in jail?

  “Sweetheart, he called you for a reason. As much as he hurt you, I liked the man.”

  Maybe he would not if he knew how things ended.

  “Just, drive safe, okay? Text me when you get there and when you're on your way back home.”

  Did that really just happen? He was okay with me going back to the man who knocked me up without even knowing it. I made a coffee to go. It would keep me awake as I would not get there for a good couple hours at least.

  I was not speeding for him, and I did not like to drive in the night. I only did it often before when Griffin and I began dating, and our late-night sexting was not enough. We would drive and meet halfway to fuck somewhere in the car.

  I arrived in town at about four am. I parked at the police station and nervously pulled my hair up into a messy bun and got out of the car. I walked towards the police station. I was nervous. I should not be, but I was. My body was shaking, both from the cold and from the nerves.

  How could I look him in the eyes and not tell him about the baby? It was not right.

  I was consumed by my thoughts as I took the steps to the main entrance. Would I crumble and become a weak woman and take the guy who hurt me back? Maybe he did not want me back. Or perhaps, maybe he did, and I would have to remain strong and tell him no.

  “Miss, can I help you?”

  I mean, I was finally in a good place and… What? I looked up, blushing as I finally noticed the woman watching me with great curiosity. Chick with tats and long, black hair… Yeah, I screamed bad girl, alright.

  “I’m here for Griffin James.”

  “Name?” she asked, with a bored tone. She appeared to be around the same age as my mother.

  “Ayla Matheson.”

  After looking over a logbook, she turned to a computer and clicked her tongue. “Okay. Well, it’s four hundred fifty dollars upfront, and then I can release him. How do you want to pay?”

  Well, just great! He could have mentioned that before I drove all this way.

  “Do you take card?” I asked, hoping what little money I had on it would be enough.

  Shaking her head, she pointed towards the main doors once again. “No, but there’s an ATM around the corner. If you want to go draw the cash out, then we can process and release Mr James.”

  I knew where the ATM was. I did live there for six months. “I’ll be back then.”

  I walked in the morning frost, my teeth chattering. The air definitely kept me awake as I came back with the notes to pay for Griffin's bail or whatever it was. This guy owed me. I sat and waited for them to go and get him, thinking up all reasons he was in here in the first place.

  Maybe he beat the shit out of Karen. Ha, wishful thinking.

  A loud buzzer dinged, and a door unlocked. I looked up, and there he stood looking just like the way I left him.

  He was still beautiful in his dark, tied back hair. His full beard was longer before, though, and he wore tired eyes. He really looked his age.

  His eyes found mine, and a small smile broke out on his face. My heart fluttered with butterflies as he walked towards me, his large frame hovering above me, making me feel so small. “You came.”

>   Not since you last fucked me. “Yeah, for a small price.”

  “Oh, shit. I didn’t think you’d have to. I’ll pay you back.” For the first time, he looked embarrassed as he shifted on both feet. “Can I ask another favour?”

  No, you may not. “Sure.”

  “Could you give me a lift? I kind of lost my licence.” There was that look of embarrassment again.

  “Griffin, I don’t know if… Can you tell me why—”

  A police officer walked over and cut me off sharply. He started talking while handing Griffin a thick manila envelope. “Mr James, you have a court appearance in two weeks’ time. Being convicted for an exhibition of speed crime can lead to some fairly significant consequences. You’ll face reckless driving charges, as well as excessive speed, and have your licence suspended. If not, jail could be possible for up to ninety days. You’re out on good behaviour until then, as this is a first crime charge for you.”

  Holy shit.

  Griffin just nodded, taking the envelope and placing his hand against my lower back as we started to walk out. I pulled away almost instantly. “Sorry, habit.”

  I did not comment back until we were in the car. Secretly, I had missed his touches.

  “You got drag racing?” This could get bad for him and his boys.

  “Sure did.” He laid his head back, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry you had to drive out. I didn’t know who else to call.”

  “It’s fine, Griffin.” Not really. None of this was fucking fine. Everything was going ape shit. “How did they catch you? Why were you racing? What happened to poker?” I asked.

  His jaw tightened, and she shook his head angrily. “No fucking idea. Call it being bored and needing a distraction.” He knew. He just was not saying. “Got busted doing one eighty. Fucking cops ay.”

  I took that for a change in subject. I needed to take him back home. “Where do you want me to take you?”

  “Home. I need to get the money for you.”

  Home. Karen. Familiar. “Don’t worry about it. It’s okay.”

  “Ayla, I’ll pay you back.”

  “You don’t have to.” I kept my eyes ahead as I started the car and turned the heat on.

  “Why won’t you look at me?”

  Shoot. He noticed it. I did not want to look at him, not when we were so close together in the car. The feelings stirring in my lower belly… The head spreading to my loins… I began to crave his touch, his hands against my skin. I wanted his mouth against mine, exploring.

  This was why I should not have come here. “Griffin…”

  “Ayla, can we at least talk?”

  “No.” I had to stay strong. “I’m not going to that house again.”

  Blowing out a long breath, I finally turned and looked at him. His eyes met mine, and for a moment, I imagined us crashing our mouths against each other. “I didn’t mean for us to go there. We can go somewhere else and grab a coffee and sit in the car. Wherever you want, Ayla, just please talk to me before you go back again.”

  We were heading for more heartache. Why would I want to go and put myself through this once again? Because I loved him and was not thinking straight. Because deep down, I had to tell him about the baby. Even if we were not together or even if he would hate me for it, he deserved to know the truth.

  “One coffee. We can drive down to the lake and talk there for a bit.”

  Picking up a latte each from Banjos and a couple meat pies, sausage rolls, and raspberry white chocolate muffin, I drove us down to the lake and parked in front of the water, keeping the engine running so we did not freeze to death.

  He rolled down the window and lit up a cigarette, inhaling with a long drag, then blowing it out slowly through his nostrils. “You remember when we’d drive down here?” This was our spot—in the summertime, anyway.

  “You taught me how to skip pebbles along the water.” How could I forget? “We almost got caught skinny dipping too.”

  He laughed, a loveable but sad laugh. “Yeah, I remember that. Funny how I never really thought about those times until you left. Now it’s all I can think about—what we’d do, how we were.” He licked his lips and glanced up. “I found the camping gear.”

  Oh. I wondered about that. “The milk…” I said, my eyes widening.

  “I grabbed it after you’d left. Haven’t driven that car since so probably a good thing you mentioned it. Wouldn’t have been pretty otherwise.” Maybe not for him. “Thanks for the rod and tools. You should take them back, get a refund.”

  “It was for your birthday.” I reminded.

  Shrugging, he muttered. “Pretty shit birthday when your girlfriend leaves you the night before.” Ouch.

  “I have something to tell you.” I began, picking at the muffin in my shaking hands. Christ, just tell him and get it over with it.

  “I know what you’re going to say,” he responded. I was barely audible, but I still heard and looked at him. He could not have known unless Harvey told him. “I’m not mad, Ayla.”

  I smiled a bit, slightly relieved. “You’re not?”

  He shook his head. “No. I understand and accept what happened. It was bound to happen I guess.”

  “You don’t know that.” I mean, the baby could have been in the right place and survive.

  Reaching over as he held his smoke out the window with one hand, he took my hand and squeezed firmly, but not too hard. “I do. You walking out like that, and I deserved it. I broke the one rule you gave me, and I haven’t stopped regretting it since I walked through her door and you walked out of mine.”

  He was not talking about the baby. He did not have a clue about it.

  I shook my head. This was getting too deep for me, but in a way, it was good because we were talking calmly and rationally about everything even if we were exes. “Everything went wrong, not just that. It was all leading up to that, Griffin.”

  “I know, baby. I know.” He sighed and inhaled another drag. Baby.

  “What did you tell the boys?” I asked. I wondered how my absence would affect them. “How are they?”

  “Pissed at me. Mack refuses to talk, and Toby is a fucking pain, being a smart ass.” He then smirked. “My sons have a case of broken heart syndrome just like their father.”

  “Sorry.” I did not know what else to say.

  He shook his head and rubbed his thumb over my skin, sending goose bumps up my arm. “Don’t be sorry. I told them I hurt you.”

  Yes, he did.

  I moved my hands away from his and looked out the side window before I began to feel all the emotions I had tried so hard to lose. My focus was on the rain droplets starting to hit against the window.

  Resting my head against the cold glass, I closed my eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “You broke my heart.”

  “Two hearts broke that night, Griffin. It broke my heart to leave.”

  I heard the window winding back up and his belt unclipping. His one hand slid around my waist, turning me to face him as his other hand travelled up towards my cheek. I tilted into him. Our eyes did not break contact as we looked at each other. For a slight moment, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me.

  His face drew closer to mine, and I brought my hand up. I longed to touch his jaw, to feel his smooth skin, but I felt his beard of prickles instead.

  “I’m so sorry for hurting you, pretty.”

  I lost our baby. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I could not speak them. I did not know how to.

  Closing my eyes, I slipped my arms around his neck and just hugged him. That was all I could do. He responded and clung to me just as tight, holding me the way I had been craving these past weeks. A hug from him was like heaven. It made me feel safe. It made me feel loved. But it also broke me, and I could not go back.

  Pulling away, we broke contact completely, and I shook my head. This was wrong.

  “I need to go now.”

  “I need you. Please, come back.”

  Fuck i
t. Fuck him for doing this to me.

  I banged my head against the head rest and gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Damnit, Griffin,” I growled, hitting it. “You can’t say that to me.”

  “It’ll be different.”

  “Has she been in the house?” I asked. Why did I care? Yes, I knew why I cared. Because I still loved him.

  After a moment of silence, he spoke up and sighed. “It’s not like that.”

  “So she has.” I scoffed. I should have known. “Nothing would change, Griffin.” Nothing ever did. “Not when nothing has changed with her and you.”

  “It would.” He promised. “It will change.”

  I smirked, rolling my eyes at him. “I don’t want to be with someone who is that close with their ex. It’s like you are having an affair, not physically but emotionally.”

  “Bullshit. I have no feelings for her whatsoever.”

  “Prove it then.” I threatened. “Prove to me that she’s not going to be a problem.”

  Opening his mouth to speak, he closed it again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I…”

  He could not. I knew nothing would change. I knew deep down that if I went back, he would fuck me over worse than he already had done. “I love you, but you and I? We broke up for a reason. I think there’s a reason why people don’t work out, and that should stay in the past.”

  He nodded, not saying anything.

  I drove him back to the house and did not bother to look out the window to see if she was there. She probably was, but I did not care. It was not my problem anymore.

  Getting out, he bent down. “I’ll go grab you the cash.”

  “No.”

  “You can’t afford not to take it, Ayla.” He was right.

  “Just put it in my bank account or send it up to Mum’s. Please, I need to go.” I pleaded with my eyes, not wanting to stay there any longer. It was crushing me.

  He nodded, and I noticed the sadness in his eyes as he straightened up. “Drive back carefully, okay?” He smiled, a sad one. “I still worry about you.”

  “Me too. No more racing, though. You’ve got two boys to stick around for. They need you more than you think.” Especially Mack. He needed him and would need him more than ever when he finally told his dad the truth. “Stop the poker, too. Tonight should be a wake-up call about doing illegal things for a thrill.”