“That’s enough Lacey,” Lauren gently chided. “She didn’t come here to be made uncomfortable. That is impolite and you know better. When she is here, she is our guest and deserves to be treated as such.”
Squirming, I looked around for Haven.
“He’ll be down in a minute,” Lauren informed with a soft, restful voice.
“Look,” I began. “I’ve just recently heard this theory about me but I assure you, nothing has ever happened. It isn’t possible.”
“Almost anything is possible and there is no telling what your offspring could do, especially if you were with one of them,” Lacey explained.
“That doesn’t interest me,” I said flatly.
“Wow, maybe you aren’t one of us,” she said sarcastically.
“Enough,” Lauren remarked.
Sensing a presence and a floral scent, I lifted my hair and swept it over one shoulder. Turning slightly, I saw a dark-haired man standing in the doorway. He was more handsome than any man I had ever seen before. I also recognized him. He had been with Tristan in Gunnison. He was looking at me curiously and held a bunch of white orchids in one hand. He nodded towards Lacey. “Your father wants to have a word with you.”
Lacey rolled her eyes and lifted herself off the chair. “He always does,” she muttered as she walked towards the hallway and disappeared into the darkness.
The dark-haired man came over and leaned down and gave Lauren a gentle kiss on the cheek. She patted the side of his face and smiled at him. Their greeting reminded me of a mother and son but I knew I was looking at Philip. He handed her the orchids and she beamed. She brushed them with her fingertips and put them to her nose. Sighing, she asked him if he could put them in a vase and set them on the large mahogany table. Turning to face me she said, “I hope you’re not uncomfortable dear. You’ll have to excuse Lacey. She’s irritable because she is isolated and doesn’t have an age-mate to talk to.”
“This is a lot for you to digest,” Lauren went on. “I know…I was the same way.”
“Is there a reason,” I began hesitantly. “Why you can’t turn?”
“By what means?” She asked. “That’s unheard of and if it were possible, I wouldn’t. Not the way I am now – old, worn out, a life already lived. I would imagine it’s hard enough to be what they are without having to worry about being old, too. I’m past my prime and what’s more, I’m tired.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Philip drop his hands from arranging the orchids. He had heard and I immediately regretted asking the question. Here he was watching the woman he loved grow old and knowing she would die long before him. I lowered my head and whispered, “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
Lifting my chin Lauren looked me in the eyes. “Don’t worry about him. We’ve talked about this innumerable times. It’s a subject we’re both well versed in.”
Adjusting her shawl she looked at Philip and then to me. “I love them all – they’re my family and I know they will miss me but there are others that will soften the loss.”
“A loss that is without compare,” Philip said heavily. He put the vase on the table and stalked out of the room.
“Death,” Lauren whispered. “It’s seen as unfortunate but when you get to be my age, rest doesn’t seem so bad.”
“For us, yes,” I replied. “But for the ones left behind the pain is overwhelming.”
Lauren gazed at me thoughtfully.
“That’s why there has to be new ones, not necessarily to take the place of, but to alleviate the sting of loss. I worry about Levi and Philip the most; Philip because he chose me as his and once that mark has been made no one else can ever compare. He could search several lifetimes and never find another love like ours, but he has to find comfort somewhere or it’s an existence not worth living. And Levi…he has had companions but has yet to find a life-mate.”
“Maybe he prefers it that way,” Lacey said gaily as she entered the room and stepped into the light. Behind her, from the shadows, stepped Haven. He asked if I wanted something to eat or drink, causing Lauren’s face to drop. She immediately apologized for her forgetfulness but I assured them both that I was fine. Not listening, Haven went into the kitchen and retrieved a glass and filled it with some ice water. Setting it before me he sat down on the other side of me. I picked up the glass, took a sip, and before I could dab a drop that escaped, Haven swept it away with his fingertip. As before, when we were in the car together, I avoided looking at him.
“Ah, I see some tension,” Lacey accused. “Willow, you look a million miles away.”
I felt my cheeks redden. “Do I?”
“Knock it off,” Haven ordered as he gave Lacey the evil eye.
“It’s as if there is an elephant in the room and I can’t stand it,” Lacey protested. “And, dear friend, it looks like you’re the one losing the battle.” Her tone iced over with anger.
“Enough you two,” Lauren interceded. “If you will all excuse me, I feel like retiring for the night.” She carefully stood and laid a kiss on my head before turning to leave.
“Lauren,” I started as she turned to look at me. “I’ve really enjoyed knowing you and I want to thank you for always making me feel welcome.”
Her eyes sparkled. “You’re welcome my dear. I’m here for you and I know that someday, what you seek will be revealed to you and that you will find your place in the world.”
Tender tears began to well up inside me. She blew me a kiss and walked to the stairs, that sweet smile of hers never fading, and as she slowly ascended into the darkness, I kept my eyes on her and said to no one in particular, “She’s remarkable.”
After a brief silence Haven stood and held his hand out to me. “Would you like to see my room?”
“Mine first,” Lacey interrupted. Excitedly, she nudged past Haven and took me by the hand and led me past the couch, into the foyer, and up the stairs, which were dimly lit. Once upstairs, she made a left and took me into the first room. “I don’t get a chance to do this. We don’t receive visitors.” Turning on the light, she stood back to let me observe her private space. Her room wasn’t anything like I expected. It looked more like a room for a 10-year-old girl than a young woman. An elaborate dollhouse stood in a corner and in a small rocking chair sat a weathered porcelain doll with a long white dress, white boots and dark curls. Lacey’s bed was large, covered in off-white satin sheets, and draped by a white canopy. Lacey wasn’t looking at me and reached out and held on to the bed post before gracefully sitting down on the bed. It was as if she wasn’t really talking to me and just speaking aloud.
“I thought maybe you and I could be friends but you can’t force it, can you? Either you connect with someone or you don’t.”
Taken aback by her candor, I remained silent.
For a brief moment Lacey looked aggrieved, but she recovered her thoughts quickly. “You can’t imagine how alone I feel.”
Oh but I can.
I wondered how many others felt that way but would never admit it, and in the quiet that followed I felt I had to say something. I motioned towards the wide, two-story cottage in the corner. “That’s quite the exquisite dollhouse.”
Lacey glanced over at it and slid off the bed. She reached inside the miniature girl’s room and picked up a porcelain doll with blonde curls and a green and white polka dot dress.
“It must seem odd, given my age, and who I am, but I never had a mother and didn’t have a normal upbringing.” Fluffing the dress she looked the doll over before placing her back in the room.
“My dad and Philip designed and built this for me several years ago. I had been melancholic and they had asked me when I had last been happy…That’s when I told them I wanted a mother.”
She placed the doll on a small chair and whispered. “I also told them that their lovers didn’t count.”
She looked at me painfully and I cast my eyes downward.
“My dad, Haven and Philip…they have each other, they’re like brothers,
but me…other than Lauren I have no one. What will I do when she’s gone?”
Touched and surprised by her unexpected vulnerability I cautiously reached out to touch her on the arm and she reached up to touch my hand. Through the light fabric of her sleeve, I could feel her strength and I knew that as tough as she was, there was that soft part of her that needed belonging and companionship as much as anyone did.
Chapter 32
Haven led me to his room, which was at the end of a long hallway. I hesitated before entering, feeling like I was intruding into his personal space. The walls were painted in slate and furniture was minimal. In front of a large window--the only window in his room--stood a desk with several sketches on it. At the opposite end of the room was a black platform bed, low to the ground, perhaps queen sized and covered in dark fabrics and few pillows. Above his bed on a black shelf was something that took my breath away.
It wasn’t a painting. It was a black and white sketch of a girl standing in a field of wildflowers. The girl was wearing a long dress that seemed to tousle in the wind and her long fair hair, flowing free, blew in the same direction. She had an expectant expression on her face and her lips were slightly open. I looked down as I realized I was gazing at a likeness that resembled my own mother. But how was that possible? I looked at the sketch again but couldn’t bring myself to look at Haven who was standing near.
“I know what you must be thinking,” he confirmed.
“What is that?” I finally managed to ask, still not able to look at him.
“She looks like your mother,” he proclaimed. “She looks like you.”
I turned slowly and lifted my eyes to meet the acute sapphire glints gazing down at me. He took a step towards me and tilted his head. I averted his inquisitive gaze and looked to the side. I was pulling away from him physically and emotionally and I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what to do...All I could do was listen as he spoke.
“It’s true...it’s her. She loved no one but your father. I don’t care for you because you’re her daughter. I care about you for many reasons. When you’re around I feel a vitality I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s the most human I’ve felt in decades.”
Suddenly, where once the attention from more than one had placed a burden on me, it made sense. It wasn’t me he loved. It was the feeling he loved when he was with me.
“You,” I began in an oscillating tone. “You must not get out much.”
I couldn’t tell if he was amused or angry. A taut muscle rippled along his cheek and he appeared to be smirking.
“And,” he added darkly. “I’ve never met anyone more frustrating.”
Feeling that the time was right, I also felt emboldened. “I want to be fair to you...I’m -” And all too soon I realized just how powerful admitting the truth could be. “I’m in love with someone else.”
Haven’s face didn’t register a reaction but he looked from me to the sketch above his bed. “You’re more like your mother than you will ever realize.”
I said nothing but heard him chuckle. “You’re also a challenge – a willful, beautiful challenge.”
“It’s not a challenge if I’m decided. I can’t be with him, but if my heart is his, I can’t be yours either.”
Haven’s eyes flickered in shade and intensity as he listened to me. “I could easily, and with great pleasure, eliminate the competition,” he declared with baneful relish. “Then you would be mine.” He shook his head in rueful amusement. “But I wouldn’t do that to you…or myself, because then you would resent me forever.”
He turned his back to me and hesitated before speaking. “Your honesty separates you from most. People are much too afraid to reveal what it is they really feel.” He laughed nefariously. “You know…ones like us are notorious for taking what we want. We are dominant and possessive. What’s to stop me from taking you?”
“Free will,” I answered softly. “You know that much about me…that without free will, love cannot be offered at all, and what you yearn for is to have it offered unconditionally.”
When he turned to face me a grin appeased the pain written across his features. I looked from his captivating blue eyes to his gleaming, sharp white teeth. I felt it was right to say goodbye, but before I could, Haven grasped my wrist with an iron grip and momentarily held me there. With careful deliberation he raised my hand to his mouth. His eyes were on fire and never left my own as his lips brushed against my hand in a kiss. The way he did it almost took my breath away. I could see why it was so important to avoid a situation where temptation could be so intoxicating.
“You’re branded to me now,” he said with a cunning grin.
“Do that again and I’ll bite you,” I retorted.
“I would welcome it,” he said with conviction. His grin morphed into one of expectation and I gently pulled away from him.
Breaking through my thoughts, Haven asked, “Do you believe that life has a way of drawing certain people together?”
“If you’re asking whether I believe in fate or coincidence, I must say that I believe in both.”
“What I meant was you’re being here, in this place, was no accident. You’re more girl than beast, and you feel lost because you have no link.”
I shifted and ruffled my hair with one hand. “I have a hard time believing this,” I said ruefully. “Perhaps I am lost. I once had a family but death claimed them both. I knew a normal life once, a happy one even. I know nothing about this heritage I supposedly come from. It’s completely foreign to me and everyone else seems to know more about it than I do.”
“You fear what you don’t know,” he said.
“I fear many things…”
“You can’t love what you fear,” he stated. “You don’t even know who you are because – “
“But I know what love is,” I interrupted. I turned away from him and walked over to his bookshelf and examined his belongings, noting how impersonal they seemed. I knew he was near me but I didn’t look back at him. “You’ll find another,” I said softly.
“I could search a lifetime and not come across another one like you,” he breathed.
“And you shouldn’t. Everyone is different.’”
I turned towards the door. Before I could take a step, Haven was before me. “You’re always leaving.”
He searched for my eyes but I looked away from him, ashamed for getting myself into this situation to begin with. “Haven’t you learned?” He asked. “Running solves nothing. Instead of running away from others, maybe you should run to them.”
“There is no one,” I claimed with regret. “I will not be a burden.”
“Burdens are obligations. You are neither and you will never be free until you face your demons head on.”
“I don’t have to face them when they’re with me,” I stated.
“You’re right, but you need to let others in and when you do, you will find that they want to take care of you, not because you’re weak or can’t do for yourself, but because they want to.”
I shook my head in defeat. I walked towards the door and reached out for the handle. From where Haven stood I heard him say. “Their prize is your trust…”
“Trust,” I repeated in a soft whisper. “It’s harder to feel than love.”
Chapter 33
Haven parked in front of Anne’s house. I was getting ready to exit the car when he touched me on the arm.
“I know it’s different between us. I felt it every moment I was with you this evening but you need to know that I don’t think it was a coincidence that we crossed paths. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know you’re here for a reason and while I wish you were with me, I know you love someone else. I can’t say that it doesn’t cut me to the core, but I will give you space.” His hand dropped from where he touched me.
“I have to be truthful, as hard as it is to be so,” I explained. “I can’t be with him but there comes a time in life when you have to do the grown up thing in
stead of the romantic thing. It’s when you listen to your head and force the heart to wait…I’m going to wait, I’m going to do the right thing and I’m not going to hurt anyone else.”
Haven leaned towards me. “Be careful not to hurt yourself in the process.” He paused for a moment before exiting the car and came around to open my door. I stood on the sidewalk in front of him and took in the sight of him: The golden brown hair, the piercing blue eyes, and the dark shirt that hugged his smooth, chiseled body. He was handsome, but more than that, he was capable of deep emotion. In that moment, despite what I knew, I was certain I was making the right choice. Mutually we reached out and embraced one another. Haven’s steel arms went around me, holding me to him. My arms, frail in comparison, reached around his waist. I breathed him in, remembering how it was the first time I saw him. Even though my heart was set on Reece, I didn’t want this to be a goodbye, but I also knew it had to be.
Relaxing my hold, I pulled away and kept my eyes downcast as I ascended the porch steps. I turned to wave and Haven was still standing there with his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. I felt a lump in my throat and was surprised to find that I was hurting. In my fear of hurting someone else I never thought that I would be the one to feel it. I raised my hand to wave goodbye and turned to unlock the door. I went to the window and looked outside but he was already gone.
The next three months trudged by in predictable monotony. I had seen little of Reece except for occasional smiles and obligatory waves walking through the halls at school. Little had changed at lunch. Amber and Reece, heads bent together, were always discussing something and every now and then I would catch an intermittent glance from Reece. Amber, to her credit, tried to include me and asked my opinions on issues they conferred over. She never came to lunch without offering something to everyone – so considerate, so Amber. Sometimes Reece would buy soda for everyone and would hand the last one to me where he would linger over the offering as he brushed my finger with one of his. In an attempt to not draw attention to myself I would quickly, and politely, tell him thank you. He never had much to say, which was so unlike him, but would nod or smile and return to Amber who looked at him with adoring eyes. I found that I missed Reece the more he was absent from my life, and the more I missed him, the more I loved him.
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