by Gia Riley
Christmas Eve shouldn’t be this depressing. It should be filled with good food, happy people, and starry-eyed children.
Determined to make that happen for her, I tell her, “Baby, how about we pour some milk and put one of the cookies on a plate for Santa, so he can have a treat when he brings you presents tonight.”
Laney nods, liking the sound of cookies and Santa as she wipes the moisture from her cheeks. I’m thankful how easily distracted kids can be. She’s almost happy again when she says, “Santa should have two cookies, maybe three.”
“Okay, we can put as many as you want on the plate. Garrett even has carrots in the refrigerator for the reindeer.”
Her eyes light up, an even bigger smile forming on her face. Just when I think she’s about to burst with excitement, her face falls again. “I have to finish the tree! Santa will think I quit if I don’t finish decorating, and you told me never to be a quitter, Mommy.”
Garrett opens the closet next to the pantry and pulls out a bag of leftover decorations. Inside the bag, there are enough candy canes to cover more than one tree. There’s also more Disney princess ornaments than any little girl could ever dream of. “Will these do?” he asks Laney as he holds the bag open in front of her.
Her legs may be weighed down by heavy casts, but Laney still manages to bounce up and down on the countertop. Her movements make me nervous, but I’m so happy to see her joy, I can’t ask her to settle down.
“Yes!” she finally exclaims. “Take me to the tree, G!”
I watch as Garrett carries her out of the kitchen, dragging the bag behind him.
There are still so many answers I need from Laney, but we can tackle the hard conversations another day. Right now, all I want to do is spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the two people in my life who matter the most.
Megan
“I THINK WE WORE HER out,” Garrett says from the end of the couch where Laney’s legs are draped over his lap, her head resting in mine.
She tossed so much tinsel on the tree, it looks an entire box fell from the sky and landed on the branches. Making sure she didn’t miss a single sprig, Garrett kept handing her more, not caring how tacky his tree looked, as she scooted her wheelchair around and around.
“She’s so peaceful when she sleeps,” Garrett whispers as he watches her.
“Sometimes, I wonder how I got so lucky to be her mom.” I wasn’t sure what to expect when I found out I was pregnant. I went through a whole range of emotions: happy, scared, excited, overwhelmed, pretty much a little bit of everything. I was petrified Connor wouldn’t be ready for a child. But as soon as the doctor placed her in my arms, I found my forever. “Nobody is ever going to take her away from me.”
“And nobody will take her away from you, Megan.”
I’m prepared to fight Connor as hard as I have to so that doesn’t happen. As her mother, it’s been my job to protect her since she was nothing more than a little blip on the ultrasound monitor.
But no matter how tiny she was, and how hard it was to believe she was really mine, I can’t imagine my life without her. “It’s the scariest feeling in the world, Garrett.”
“What is?” he questions.
“Being a mom. The love I have for her can’t really be explained, but it’s like my heart is beating outside of my chest. That’s the only way I can describe it.”
Garrett leans his head against the back of the couch, his neck craned in my direction. Normally, I’d be nervous with him watching me, but tonight it feels right. Sharing my thoughts with him is easy because while he has the power to excite me one minute, he so easily calms me the next.
“Do you want more kids someday?”
“I never imagined Laney would be an only child, but there’s no telling where my life will be tomorrow let alone months from now. So, if I have another someday, great. If Laney’s the only child I’ll ever have, I’m okay with that, too. I already have the most amazing little girl in the whole world.”
Garrett runs his thumb along the top of my hand, snaking his fingers beneath mine. When he raises our joined hands, he kisses my palm before closing it into a tight fist. “Hold onto that,” he tells me as he slides out from underneath Laney.
He bends down and picks her up, careful not to wake her.
My entire hand tingles from where his lips made contact, and I wonder what it would be like if he kissed me some place else. It’s the only thing I can think about the entire way up the stairs.
Leaning against the doorway, I watch as Garrett lays her in bed, kissing her forehead like a father would. I can’t help but picture how different our lives would be if she was his. Or if we had one of our own someday. Given the current circumstances, it’s completely crazy to even consider, but the thought still crosses my mind.
“I have some cookies and carrots to eat,” he whispers proudly as he shuts the bedroom door behind him. I don’t know who’s having more fun this Christmas, him or Laney.
“We can make reindeer tracks with flour if you don’t mind making a mess on your floors.”
“That’s what mops are for,” he says over his shoulder.
He’s made tonight so easy, but I’m still so worried about tomorrow morning, and what Laney will say once the excitement of opening her presents is over. Will she expect to see Connor? And how will I feel if she doesn’t want to at all?
“Are you okay?” he asks as he reaches for my hand, sitting me down on the kitchen stool.
As much as I don’t want to even think about it, let alone say the words, I still can’t get the thought out of my head. “You don’t think Connor touched her, do you?”
He pauses with a cookie halfway to his mouth, and sets it back on the plate. He’s as sincere as I’ve ever seen him, when he says, “I see a lot of terrible shit in the emergency room. When they page me, I never believe my patient is okay. It’s more like, how bad will it be? But treating the injuries is the easy part. It’s the mind and the heart that need the most mending—and sometimes they take the longest to heal. But in my heart, I don’t get the impression he’s ever laid a hand on her, physically or sexually. I would have kept her talking if I thought otherwise.”
“I trust you as her doctor.”
“What about as Garrett? The guy I am right now, when I’m off the clock.”
“I trust you, too. I trust every part of who you are.” That’s not easy for me to say after all I’ve gone through, but Garrett understands the magnitude of my words.
He pulls me against his chest and holds me there. It’s becoming my favorite place to rest my head.
“Laney has me on this pedestal, and I’ll do whatever it takes to stay there. You and Laney are all I care about.”
Do I want Garrett to fight for me and Laney? Absolutely. Is it fair to toss all this baggage and turmoil into his life? Not at all. But I don’t want him to let go of me. Right now, I want to be selfish and hold on as tight as I can.
“Thank you, I just wish I knew what she was thinking because this silence from Connor, it’s not going to last much longer. And I’d hate to have the answers right here and not have taken the time to figure them out before he comes at us.”
“Do you know what I hate? I hate that it’s taken something awful happening to you and Laney for me to have one of the best Christmases of my life.”
It doesn’t make the pain go away, but hearing that Laney and I can bring joy to someone, and that we’re wanted, that makes all this a little easier. “We’re lucky to have you. But if it ever feels like I’m using you, tell me. I never want you to feel how I’ve felt with Connor. My ass can find someplace else to live.”
He inhales deeply, holding it inside a little longer than normal. With an exaggerated sigh, he says, “Whatever you say, Megs.”
“No, I mean it. I wouldn’t ever accept an offer like this from anyone else, but I want you to enjoy your Christmas and do whatever it is the Kristoff family does. We’ll be fine on our own tomorrow.”
“Are you done?” he asks with a sexy grin.
I trip over my own tongue just looking at him, but manage to tell him, “I’m done.”
“Good. Because when I think about your ass, I’m never kicking it to the curb. Just so you understand.”
I feel my cheeks heat and turn my head away from him so he can’t see my face. “Just eat your cookies and go to bed.”
Laughing, he pops the first sugar cookie in his mouth. His eyes water a little as he chews, and I hand him the bottle of water sitting on the counter. “She went a little overboard on the icing,” he says around a mouthful.
“You could have scraped some off.”
He pauses between sips of water. “I can’t do that. If she sees it in the trash, she’ll think I hated it.”
I point toward the plate that’s still holding two more sugar explosions, the icing about an inch think on each. “Then eat up.”
He grabs the carrots for the reindeer and eats those first, still debating what to do with the cookies.
I swipe one, and shove it in my mouth, groaning at how good it tastes. “I think it’s kind of perfect,” I mumble as I swallow. Like my daughter, I can’t resist extra icing.
Garrett watches me with his jaw hanging open. Sliding the plate in front of me, he says, “Do that again,” with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
Keeping the moaning to a minimum this time, I shake my head and eat the last one. Now that we can cross the cookies off the list, he hurries over to the closet and pulls out two black trash bags. One by one, he pulls out present after present. Now I’m the one with my jaw hanging open. “Please tell me those are for your family.”
He stacks them on the clean part of the counter and walks pile after pile into his living room, placing each package underneath the tree. I glance at the tags, and each one either has mine or Laney’s name scribbled on it, and each is from ‘Santa’.
As I start to clean up the kitchen, I’m mad at myself for not putting as much effort as he did into finding something special. Having barely left the hospital, I did almost all of my shopping online at the very last minute, more worried about Laney’s gifts making it to the house in time than anything.
I feel him behind me, watching me put his kitchen back together.
“Megan,” he says one time and one time only. There’s enough authority in his voice that I turn around to see what’s wrong.
“What?” I ask him with a little too much bite in my voice. He doesn’t deserve my tone. I’m mad at myself, not him.
“Don’t even,” he warns.
“Don’t what?”
He stops me as I try to walk past him. “I know exactly what you’re thinking, but I didn’t overdo it. And whatever you think you did wrong, you didn’t.”
“I suck.”
He smirks again and grabs me by the hips.
Before he can get the wrong idea, I duck under his arm and run for the stairs.
“Where are you going?”
“To bed.” Where I can’t get myself in any more trouble.
I may be in my own room, away from him, but I can still feel his energy on the other side of the door. Without looking, I know he’s standing in the hallway, waiting for me to let him in. But tonight, I stay in my bed, far away from Garrett.
Nothing sounds better than sleeping in his arms all night, but I can’t jump into his bed when I haven’t completely left Connor’s. Even if that’s exactly what I want to do right now.
Just as I close my eyes and squeeze my legs together, praying the throbbing goes away, my cell phone beeps.
I check it because I won’t be able to sleep until I do. Just like when we were in the hospital, I want Garrett’s name to be on my screen—and I’m equally as excited when it is.
Garrett: What are you thinking?
If I told him what I’m thinking, I wouldn’t be able to stay in my bed. Once he heard how much I want him, he’d come in here and give me exactly what I want. As perfect as that sounds, I don’t think I’m ready. So, instead of telling him I want to spend the night with him, I lie.
Megan: Just thinking how good those cookies were.
Garrett: I think you’re lying. If I was with you right now, I’d get it out of you.
Megan: How would you do that?
As soon as I send the text, I hide my face in my pillow like he can see how embarrassed I am. I listen for his response, but when nothing happens, I have no choice but to glance at the screen. All that waiting, and the battery died.
Searching for the charger, I can’t remember what bag I shoved it inside. There’s a good chance it’s in Laney’s room, and I don’t want to risk waking her up. So, with my dead phone held against my chest, I slide out of bed and tip toe across the carpet, wondering what the hell I’m even doing.
When I get to Garrett’s bedroom door, I rap my knuckles against the wood. My hand’s shaking so bad, it sounds more like I kicked it. “Garrett,” I whisper into the crack as I slowly push it open.
The light from the bedside lamp creates a romantic glow. He sits up in the bed, the blankets pooling around his waist as he does. Glancing at his phone, he sees I still haven’t responded.
“What’s wrong?” he questions, with a worried expression.
I stand next to him, gawking at his bare chest like a woman in heat. Words completely escape me when I need them the most, and all I can do is hold up my phone and tell him, “It’s dead,” like a total asshole.
Taking the phone out of my hand, he unplugs his to charge mine. As soon as it’s connected, the screen lights up with a missed text from Garrett.
Before I have a chance to read it, he takes my hand and pulls me onto his bed.
“What did you write?” I ask him curiously. I’d wiggle out of his grasp if I wasn’t so comfortable.
“You didn’t see it before the phone died?” he questions as he lets go of me.
His warmth disappears along with his touch. “No. I didn’t see it.”
He sits up and runs his hand through his hair. “I just thought,” he says before stopping himself.
This time when I try to read his message, he doesn’t stop me. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as he runs his hand over his five o’clock shadow. I imagine what his scruff would feel like between my legs or against my breasts.
And then I see his message.
Garrett: Come here and I’ll show you.
Of all the times for my battery to die, it had to be when he took a chance and said the sexiest thing he’s ever said to me.
Reading it again, I’ll never forget the way his words make me feel—like I’m holding onto his best promise yet.
He takes my silence as a bad thing, and says, “Do you want to talk? We can go downstairs if you’re more comfortable. I didn’t mean to shock you or take it too far.”
“We’re grown adults, Garrett. You didn’t take it too far. I would rather you tell me what you want than hide your feelings because you think I can’t handle them.”
“Can you handle them?” He pats the bed next to him, and I slide under the blanket. We’re not touching, but we’re so close, it would only take the slightest shift and I’d be back in his arms again.
“I can handle anything,” I whisper.
We both look straight ahead, but it’s getting harder to keep my eyes off him. I don’t know how long we’re going to keep playing it safe before someone makes a move.
Finally, he asks, “How honest do you want to get tonight?”
Without looking at him, I try my best to give a response that will make sense. “I don’t know how to do us, Garrett. I haven’t done this,” I tell him as I gesture between the two of us, “in years. I don’t know what I’m doing, because it’s been forever since I’ve dated.”
My own honesty makes me feel so exposed, I want to climb under the bed. But it’s easier to snuggle against him than to stay on my own side and wait for him to say something.
Like my body is the best answer I can give him, he wraps his arm arou
nd my stomach, and we find ourselves exactly where I said I wouldn’t go. But instead of tensing up or backing away, I let my body enjoy it—because I’m tired of being alone.
“There’s no right way or wrong way to do this. Whether we want it or not, it’s going to happen. And I want you, Megs. God, I want you so bad.”
I run my hands up his bare back, and when I reach his shoulders, I scratch the tips of my nails all the way down to his hips. “I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t.”
“I don’t want you to stay away.” He softly kisses me, his lips barely brushing against mine. “Megan, I’ve waited so long for this moment, I don’t want to fuck it up, either.”
Gripping his biceps, I latch on like he’ll disappear if I don’t hold him tight enough. Like somehow this moment will get away from us if our skin isn’t touching. “You couldn’t mess this up if you tried, Garrett.”
He kisses the sensitive skin by my ear before holding his body above mine, staring down at me with so much desire in his eyes, I feel powerful in ways I never knew existed. This man wants me, and I need him more because of it.
“You’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful,” he breathes against my mouth just before he licks the seam of my lips.
Teasing me with each gentle swipe, he takes it slow despite how hungry he is for more. I don’t want gentle. I want all of him, completely raw and unapologetic. “Kiss me, Garrett—like you mean it,” I practically beg.
Our teeth clash as he responds, growling when I suck on his tongue and hold it hostage.
His hands roam over my breasts and when he tugs on my nipples, I feel my clit swell. The gentle tugs turn to more forceful pinches making me cry out and buck my hips against his.
This is how it’s supposed to be—trying to climb into each other’s souls, fully prepared to deal with the consequences once we get there, even if we can’t predict that far into the future.
We could hit a dead end street with no option other than turning around. But we can’t go back to the way things were before our bodies met. Now that we’ve explored, that’ll never be an option.