“Reach out your hands. I be just a step away.” Donovan, ever attentive, offered to steady me with his hand.
In spite of the thoughts assaulting me mind, in that perfect world of the here and now, our love be raw and young, alive and real.
Ours be a love so strange and unreal, and yet at the same time, absolutely familiar and comfortable. I belong to you, and you belong to me, too. Before you, ‘twas as though I be blind. You opened up me eyes, removed me veil. I’ll live me life giving you the most in every way.
“Trust in me and you will find a heart so true,” Donovan promised. “All I wish is to give the best of me to you, be the man you deserve, if you’ll allow me to be by your side always.”
Beaming I be, as ‘twas the first time I had absorbed the rays of the sun. Watching the sunlight dancing upon the water, the winds blowing through our hair . . . Beauty as never I had imagined . . .
Those were the moments I have remembered all me life.
I lifted me hands from touching him to feel the wind whispering through me fingers, leaning me head back to feel it brushing me hair back. His eyes still affixed upon mine, Donovan grasped the back of me head, bringing me face forward to meet his lips fer a deep kiss. As always, me head set off spinning. I kissed him back fervently.
Slowly, I lifted me lips from his, allowing me eyes gaze upon his divine face, tracing along it with me finger. “Here in this very moment, ‘tis exactly where I be meant to be, right here with you.” I confided to him.
Will I ever find the words to completely convey me love to him? I know now that nothing could ever take his place. I honestly do not know how I ever lived without him. Proper comprehension I had not of what it truly meant to be alive, to feel. I want to preserve these feelings deep within me. Curious how all this sentiment now be flourishing in me, blossoming where once not so much as a seed of something existed in its place. The love I feel fer him could amass the skies! How then, be it possible that it all fits here within me heart?
“Aislinn, your hair be magnificent with the wind in it, your eyes as bronze jewels, your lips a magical world, me escape.” Donovan’s blue eyes deepened so as he said that, ‘twas as though he presented me a glimpse all the way into his soul! “A goddess you be! And I cannot believe I be lucky enough to have you to love me!” Me eyes were liquefying under the intensity of his.
That propelled me to find the courage to say what be in me heart, to make certain he knew just how I felt about him.
“I want you infinitely in me heart, Donovan. When I look into yer eyes, I see all I need. The person I aspire to be is everything you are. I know all I need is this.”
“Oh, Aislinn! You be so much more than you know,” he told me, whispering the words to emphasise how they mattered.
Oh, only that you could peer into me . . .
“I’ll remain beside you ‘til the last beat of me heart . . .” Donovan affirmed.
I was taken aback by his words. Instead of the heartfelt sentiment he intended, the utter significance of them gripped me as a prophecy of heartbreak.
What say you? Last beat of yer heart? How ever can I wish fer that? Surely to be torn apart?! How would I go on living without you? Know you not how much I need yer love? Yer love it be me religion. Yer kiss, me prayer.
“If you were to cease to exist,” I said clearly, “so would I.” Dreadfully serious I be!
Donovan scoffed. “There be no if,” he stated plainly. “Just when,” his voice poignant.
“No!” I cried. “Together forever we must be!”
And fer the first time ever, I wanted to shake him, to scream at him fer uttering such wretched things. Instead, overcome with the harsh reality of his words, I simply buried me face in his chest, wishing to drive away the thought of such a horrid occurrence.
“We will always have forever in each moment we share together. Fer these moments be all we truly have. In the end, life is merely just a collection of moments, is it not?” he disclosed encouragingly, trying to rescue me mood from its descent, though fruitful in his attempt he not be.
“Aislinn,” Donovan said tenderly, lifting me chin to look at him. “There be something I need to say to you.”
I lifted me eyes to his and waited.
“Incredible ‘tis! To see the sunrise in your eyes, no matter the time of day! I aspire to awake to that sunrise each day of me life.” And then, taking me hand delicately within his, he dropped down to one knee, clutching onto something small in his hand. “Aislinn MacAuliffe, I love you with all I be and promise to fer all the days of your life. Will you do me the grandest honour of becoming me wife?”
“Donovan!” I squealed. He embraced me as I dropped to the ground to fall into his arms. Even as I be kissing his face profusely, I cried, “Do you mean it? You truly wish me to become yer wife?”
“Of course I do, Aislinn!” Donovan responded. “I could not have hoped fer a more beautiful, more perfect woman to make me wife.” Then a look of apprehension washed over him.
“What it be, me love?” I searched, suddenly worried he had thought better of his proposal.
“You do know how to keep a fellow on his toes.”
I peered at him curiously.
“You have yet to respond to me proposal,” he elucidated.
“Oh Donovan!” I cried. “Indeed, I will marry you! And to have you fer a husband will make me the most fortunate lass that ever lived!”
At me response, his face beamed with that dazzling smile that captured me soul long afore even we met.
Then Donovan looked down, opening his hand. Within it be a dainty gold ring. Nipping it between his fingers, he picked it up and held it before me fer a moment.
Donovan picked up me other hand and found the fourth finger upon me left hand. He carefully slid the ring onto it, gazing deep into me eyes and whispered, “Aislinn, I love you more than me own life.”
The hope of all we might have been had filled me with the hope to wish impossible things.
The life we had lost.
Taken.
Stolen.
The dreams we shared, shattered and broken.
All I lived fer had vanished.
Desperately I searched through me mind fer a way to turn back time, to make yesterday merely an unsettling illusion.
Something in yer eyes kept haunting me. Why have you been taken away from me? Now who will bring you back from where there be no return?
‘Tis growing ever colder without yer love.
Why can you not feel me calling yer name?
The sound of the storm, the flickering light, his touch, the feel of his skin, the way his scent filled up the night, still lingering within me, filling me head, making me ache with this pain . . .
No more whispered words. No more soft kisses. No more sweet refrain. No more slow walks in the rain. Never again will I live the life that wakes me in the night with desire. Never again will I glow as did I under his touch.
Oh Donovan! Meself I hate, fer breathing here without you. I do not want to feel anymore without you. I long to be as you, with you, lying cold in the ground beside you.
‘Twas as though all me screaming had gone unheard, doing nothing to relieve the pain bottled up within me. The unrelenting cold within me stinging to each and every nerve inside. The world before me so vast and empty without him here in it, looming in on me.
Certain I be he would be here to keep me safe fer the rest of me life. Now, instead I be here all alone and scared, with no one to protect me.
As though the gravity of this earth no longer tied me to it, I felt I be a stranger to this place, to the world.
And me head it keeps pounding. It pounds harder, faster as me bleeding heart keeps pumping pain through me, with each beat, it bleeds deeper.
Keep safe inside me all me thoughts of you I will. I cannot go on living, fer each beat of me heart it be sheer agony, echoing over and over the truth that I live on alone whilst me love, you do not. Will you be somewhere on the other side
or will you forget me?
In the blackest place I be so far down, the colours of this world taunting the darkness which now engulfs me. Roaming through this darkness alive I be, yet alone. The pain within me so fierce I could scarcely breathe fer it, each breath ripping me open more, the promise of feeling nothing at all luring me.
Few would grieve one a lost soul as me. Sweet life, you will end this eve. In death, I’ll be born to our love once again. You set me on fire, then left me here to burn. In me death, I will caress you; with me last breath I’ll be blessing you, loving you.
An alluring voice whispers in me mind. Say goodbye now. Do not be afraid.
Fate it be calling me to you. Catch me as I fall, tell me you be here and all this be over now. Fer in death, our love will live on forever.
I walked over toward the edge of the cliff. The wind urged me closer to the edge. I glance over. Steep and ridged it be. The endless sea stretched out before me, inviting me. The waves far below, crash against the sharp edges of the stones which await at the bottom, upon which to splatter me blood.
Death lay there before me eyes. Awaiting its embrace, suddenly I felt no fear. Me mind became extraordinarily clear. Forsaking all I have fallen fer, I rise to meet me end.
I uttered me last words, “Soon, Donovan, our souls will be one as they were meant to be and our union will be forever. I know that everything I give, you will return to me. Thus I give you me life, hoping you will return ours to me.”
Clutching to me the warm memory of him, I inhaled the scent of the breeze and then, holding me last breath, I closed me eyes. Perched atop the highest of the cliffs, I raised me arms above me head in total surrender and dove into that blood dark sea amidst the soul black night, anxious to meet me death upon the jagged rocks and violent sea below.
Graciously I plummeted seemingly endlessly. Me hair whipping back, the air rushing past me naked flesh, as it stripped me of all me grief. The pain be replaced with delicious anticipation at reuniting with me Donovan in that beautiful place where never again would we be separated.
Unexpectedly, the feeling be so incredible, so liberating! Soaring I be through the salty moist air as the bird I had wished to become, the gossamer clouds swathing me, soaring to heaven to join me love. As I plunged to me death, the euphoria in me ‘twas climber higher and higher, everything in me reaching after him, until—
I felt the impact.
Much to me torment, I fully experienced every solitary excruciating sensation as me worldly body collided onto the boulders with a force so severe it should have duly cracked me in two as me body contorted perversely over them. The breath heaved from me harshly in one blow. The force of it sent piercing shock waves up me back and down me spine.
Abruptly, everything went dark, the blackness shrouding me as a vast crushing weight.
Then darker still it went. Though, horrifically, still I retained consciousness.
No! This cannot be! Take me away from here! To him!
A moment later, I sensed me helpless form slide off the rocks and into the sea. I welcomed it, yearning fer it to cleanse me sorrows, to end this once and fer all. I found meself alone among that raging sea, the sea of me ever waking nightmare. Me reunification with the only one I loved stolen, with only his memories drowned deep inside of me.
I not be as ready to meet death as I thought I’d be. The urge to panic threatened to consume me as I gasped deeply filling me crushed lungs with water, leaving me aching fer breath, battling against the tightness in me chest. As white light, the pain flashed through me, the cold blackness closing in around me.
After that initial flash of panic, the roaring of the water faded into silence, as though it and I were one and the same substance— the blackness which promised to eradicate me very existence. I prayed this be the end.
Although nothing about me could see I fer the blackness, all of a sudden, I saw him, with a light glowing all around him divinely, as he gazed at me with those stunning sapphire eyes, radiating love. He reached his hand out toward me.
Donovan has come to take me away with him, as I wished!
I reached me hand back to him. Our fingertips just barely touched and in that moment, all me pain faded, me physical body mattered not, but instead ‘twas replaced by an embracing sense of serenity in me.
Then I felt meself fading away, but I did not have a care— rather elated I be — fer I knew I was to be secure in his arms, wherever ‘twas he would take me, I would be with him once more and that be the only thing that mattered.
Chapter Eighteen
Consciousness I recovered slowly, although full cognizance of the preceding events took somewhat longer to return. Foremost I did hear various sounds gradually probing into me head— sounds of water rushing in and then rolling back out nearby, birds squawking overhead— they came to me vaguely, muffled at first, then becoming gradually increasing audible.
Then I felt the water, felt me body submersed in it, realised I be lying somewhere within the water. Repeatedly it came up to wash over me almost entirely and then rescinded, leaving me naked body practically entirely exposed to the air. When it did, I shivered— not from cold, rather from shock— and I detected the severe stinging of me skin.
It be then I realised I be laying across a scattering of rocks of differing shapes, one or some jabbing me most uncomfortably in the back. Without thinking, I attempted to shift me position to be rid of the discomfort and brought severe agony unto meself fer move I could not, without a plethora of debilitating pains.
Make sense of the pain I could not, so bewildering ‘twas. I felt as though I must surely have shattered into a million fragments inside.
I strived to recollect how and why I be here, as this. Me thoughts, once they sluggishly emerged, were with much struggle, and materialized in most disjointed a manner.
Think, I cannot.
What be this?
What be this place . . . ?
Who I be . . . ?
Why I be . . . ?
Me body it be shattered and sore. It tortures me to move me hands, to try to move at all. Hurts even to shift me eyes in me head.
Then, reality bleeding into consciousness, the why flits back into me mind, and with it the twisting of me heart revived, the pain swelling exponentially, rapidly overshadowing me countless physical sufferings, consuming me.
What? I last remember him coming to take me away with him!
Why be I still here?!
I know real ‘twas!
We touched! Why do I not be with him now?!
Time it passes so slowly waiting fer the life to slip out of me, to join with you once again.
Imprisoned I be within me head, me thoughts bouncing off the insides of me skull. And the world fell away from me, leaving a wide abyss fer me to fall into. Me heart clenched, inverting upon itself. Scalding tears spilled down me sun scorched face, stinging it. I just longed to curl up into meself, to evaporate, yet me body will not permit it. I yearned to scream out in frustration, yet knew it not be possible, crushed the way I be. Trapped as that, I awaited the beauty of death.
Oh, Please let me die . . .
Slowly it all began to come back to me, the horror of everything that had taken place. I be livid that I had not met me coveted death, and instead I be rewarded only with this infinite measure of pain, injured, with inconceivable blood loss and numerous shattered bones. Quite unfathomable this be to me, not only considering the impact of the rocks below, but the fact that at the very least I should have drowned after being knocked unconscious and sliding into the sea.
And make any sense of it I could not.
I strained to release the seal of me withered eyes. When I did, the light glaring in be so merciless it virtually blinded me and set them to stinging. Upon adapting to it best they could, immediately I perceived that which I wish I had not, and each and every atrocious thing that had commenced these weeks past, they all stormed me at once.
Me life, me love, the loss, the reason fer . . .
me lying here . . . as this . . . now.
Feeling me bursting heart as it bled out through me eyes, whilst I laid there upon me back, trembling and torn, and completely immobilized, there be naught I could do save observing the wispy clouds as they rolled by.
I screamed at the trenchant reminder of that flawless cerulean sky shining down upon me, urgently wishing fer rain, typically so commonplace there in me beloved Éire.
This not be the way ‘twas supposed to be! I still be here— All that be left of yesterday. Join him in the afterlife I intended! Not to be subjected to a life here . . . as this . . . alone . . . without him!
‘Tis so frightened I be by this. Still, I suspect there be so much more to come which I yet be unaware of. Me wounds cry fer the grave. Me soul cries fer deliverance. Why must I be denied?
Sometime later, I awoke to me body tingling and vibrating. I marveled at me perception of the sun humming, something I had never experienced before then. I did not know if ‘twas in me delirium or if ‘twas indeed real.
I heard the waves beating against the rocks, splashing me in the face.
The pain it be everywhere, all encompassing, ‘twas impossible to differentiate between it, which part of me body be affected. I was pain. Ripped open I be: me head . . . me back . . . me heart.
Me eyes darted about at the slightest sound. Me body stuck in severely distorted angles, there be pain even when completely still I be, ‘twas constant and numbing, throbbing, me head ached, dizziness.
Then there be the pain when I moved. Beyond excruciating ‘twas: nauseating, sharp, made me want to panic, though I could not.
I found meself keeping count of time by the number of tides that had washed up over me. Waiting fer night to fall to find relief from suffering through the ruthless time of the day when the sun persisted with its slow scorching of me exposed flesh. I found temporary respite when the clouds blew in and the rain began falling upon me.
Cailín (Lass) (Anam Céile Chronicles) Page 22