I let a giggle slip. “Yes! People are going to see it.”
“I wish they didn’t have to,” Drew grumbled.
“How else is the baby going to come out?”
“You could sneeze?”
“Dumbass.”
Drew gathered me in his arms. “The dumbass who knocked you up.”
“Smartest dumbass I know.” I smiled.
Drew swatted my butt. “See you in two hours.”
“Laters, Daddy-o”
On my way over to the spa, I thought about what was already packed and all that I still needed to pack for the hospital. I was feeling a little scared, so I said a little prayer to Brad to watch over me and the baby.
“What can I do for you?” asked the nail tech.
“I’d like a mani, pedi, and waxing done, please.”
“You baby here?”
“Tomorrow morning actually.” I rubbed my enormous belly.
“You nesting?” She waved her arm. “Come. First, we wax, then we relax.”
Laying down on the table, the salon lady got in my face.
“Eyebrow look good,” she said with a nod. “Lip?” she asked.
“Does it need it?”
“All lip do.”
“All right. Wax it.” A minute later, I screamed, “Ouch!”
“Yeah, tender. That why I never say.”
“Thanks for the warning,” I mumbled.
“All right, you want Brazilian, Full Monty, or touch up?”
“What’s the difference?”
“Brazilian is panty line, bum and trim hair ’cause you baby. Full Monty is everything gone, bye-bye. Touch up is just your legs.”
“Um…Brazilian is fine, but I’ll trim at home.”
“You can see past that belly to trim?”
“Uh, I don’t know, but I’m sure I can—”
“No worry, I trim. Lay back. Relax. Okay, okay.”
I lay back with my legs spread eagle, my vagina hanging all out. “Do you need to be that close?” I asked.
“I get all hair.”
I guess I better get used to strangers being all up and personal. I closed my eyes, thinking of the first time I had gotten my first Pap smear test. I’d sung Disney songs then, and I wanted to sing them now.
“Isn’t there a towel or something you can cover me with?”
“No. Towel in way.”
“Holy fuck! What was that?” Instant tears flew into my eyes.
“You coarse hair. You wait long time.”
“Maybe we should trim it first. Make it an easier pull?”
“No difference.”
“Fuck!” I flinched again. “Are you sure?”
“Lie down. Relax. Enjoy. Okay.”
Fuck me, is this chick serious? Relax, enjoy? She has got to be fucking shitting me. Lying down, I was sweating and mentally complaining that I had a wimpy vagina. I’d done this numerous times before, but the motherfucker had never hurt like this. I was just about climbing the walls in pain. I leaned up the best I could to tell her to stop. Whatever way it looked was fine. At this point, I couldn’t fucking care less if I looked like I had one bald lip and one hairy one.
I heard a phone ring, thinking it belonged to the salon. Nope, not my luck. The crazy wax witch answered her phone, and of course, there was no towel, blanket, or cloth to cover me. With a belly like mine, it wasn’t like I could cover shit with my hands…well, except for my belly button.
“Hello?” I sat up, annoyed and pissed off. “Open vagina here.”
“No, I not busy.” She lifted her phone away from her to talk to me. “Two minutes.”
When I looked at those two pointed fingers, I wanted to poke her eyes out with them. I was trying to get up, but she kept pushing by vagina down.
“Wait, we do you hole next.”
Hole next? What the fuck? That was just over the top, even for me, so I just started doing the ugly pregnant laugh-cry. Even if I were to tell someone this story…seriously, who would believe this shit? Fuck my life!
After her lengthy phone call, she said, “Get on all fours , opens for better hair removal.” She graciously helped spread my cheeks even farther. By the way, pregnancy means a fart will come out at any time. So, here I was, trying to close the hole and concentrate on not farting.
She soon decided that it wasn’t going to work, so she told me, “Squat. Open more.”
I looked back at her. “I’m not having anal sex. I’m just delivering a baby.”
I grabbed onto the side of the table for dear life as the bitch kept ripping.
Once she was all done, she lifted a big mirror, so I could see her work.
“Wow. It looks good.” I smoothed my fingers around to feel how soft it was. “No bruising, nothing. Not bad,” I said, meaning to mumble it to myself.
“I told you. Me the best. Now, get dressed and sit in chair with water.”
As she opened the door, she started talking in her native tongue, and then everyone who could understand her started laughing. Fan-fucking-tastic! Now, everyone knows how hairy my asshole was.
“What took you forever? You said you’d be home forty-five minutes ago.” Drew was worried.
“Sorry I got waxed up.” I laughed.
“You what?”
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.” I looked around the kitchen. “Where did all this food come from?”
“Your mom stopped by. She said that once the baby is born, you’ll be glad she prepared some meals.”
“Cool. I’ll just phone and thank her real quick. Where do you want to have dinner?”
“You pick. Do you want to ask Liz and Ryder to join us?”
“No, thanks. I’d prefer just you and me. Actually, can we just order in? I really want to get out of these tight clothes and into my muumuu.”
“I can’t fucking wait to burn that thing,” Drew seethed.
“Aw, come on, Drew. It’s sexy,” I teased.
“Can’t you just wear a pair of my sweats?” he complained.
“No, I don’t fit any of them.”
“Seriously?”
“Drew, look at me. Most people think we’re having twins.”
He twirled his finger around, and I moved with his finger.
“Your ass still looks great.”
I went upstairs, laughing to myself. “That’s because I have no hair on it.”
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, Kirsten. How are you feeling?”
“Nervous and scared.”
“Sweetheart, everyone is the first time around. You don’t know what to expect.”
“Thanks for all the food you brought over earlier.”
“My pleasure. I did the same thing with Marie.”
“Want us to call you when we’re close to having the baby?”
“No, thanks, Kirsten. I mean, I don’t think I could stand lingering in the waiting room again.” My mom became silent.
“I understand.”
“I don’t mean to hurt your feelings—”
“Mom, you’re not. Really.”
“Get Drew to call as soon as my grandbaby is born, and we’ll be right down.”
“Okay. Thanks again, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Kirsten, more than you will ever know. Then again, you’ll understand by this time tomorrow.”
I hung up with my mom and sat on the bed, crying.
Drew walked into our room. “Finished talking to your mom?”
I wiped away my tears. “Yeah, I just finished. I never thought I’d understand my mom…but the more pregnant I am, the more I see things her way.”
“I get that. I felt the same way about my dad after I hit college.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think all kids go through that stage.”
“We’ll be those parents.”
Drew dug out his pajamas. “Look on the bright side. Liz gets to deal with it first.”
“Oh yeah, a whole seven months soone
r.” I laughed.
Drew lay on the bed beside me while I stretched out my body.
“Kirsten, are you upset that we are not married yet?”
“No. I mean, I want to marry you, but I’m okay with waiting. It’s been a really long pregnancy, and I don’t think I would have been able to plan anything or even had fun with any of it. As soon as I lose the baby weight, we’ll get married.”
“I’ll marry you tomorrow…tonight even,” Drew said with a straight face.
I laced his hands with mine and kissed them. “I know, and I love you for that.”
“We got everything?” Drew asked while grabbing my bag and baby’s.
“I think so. Are you ready, Drew? Are we ready, like really ready?” I asked, scared.
Drew dropped the bags and cupped my face. “Sweetheart, we are ready. My whole life, I have been ready for this moment and for the day I get to marry you.”
“All right then. Let’s do this shit!” I laughed while cracking my neck.
“Nice, hon.”
I smiled. “I thought so.”
“Good morning, Ms. Backhard. My name is Janice, and I will be your nurse today.”
“Please call me Kirsten, and this is my fiancé Drew.”
“Welcome aboard. Please place your things in the closet and take out what you need. Make yourself at home. There are snacks in the cupboard and drinks in the fridge for Dad and the visitors. Mom, you only get ice chips.” The nurse turned away and grabbed some blankets. “When you get settled, please put on this fashionable hospital gown with matching slippers and get comfy in the bed. Then, we’ll get started. Do either of you have any questions for me?”
I asked, “When will the doctor be here?”
Janice looked at the clock. “In about thirty minutes, so that will give us lots of time to be ready for her. You’ll love Dr. McKael. She is my favorite doctor to work with. She knows her stuff and she’s calm.” Janice said in my direction.
“Actually, she’s my OB-GYN, and she delivered my best friend’s baby seven months ago.”
“Wonderful. Then, you know what I’m talking about. Please settle your things. You’ll be here for a while. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. Drew, can I bring you a coffee from downstairs?”
“I’d love one. Black, please.”
“Good morning Kirsten. How are we feeling today?” asked Dr. McKael when she walked through the door.
“I’m feeling…” scared, anxious, terrified.
Drew nudged my shoulder. “She feels fine. We’re both ready for the baby.”
“That’s great to hear, Drew.
“All right. Then, Kirsten, let’s set up the baby’s heart monitor machine and take your blood pressure.”
For a few minutes, the doctor did as needed.
“Your blood pressure looks good, Kirsten. Let’s take a look at your cervix, shall we?”
I placed my legs in the stirrups and opened wide. “Kirsten, your cervix has softened since yesterday, so that’s good.” Dr. McKael popped her head up from my belly. ‘I’m just going to open the gel and place some on my finger and rub in on your cervix.” Dr. McKael jammed her finger up there while pushing down on my belly.
“McKael, that hurts more than just checking my cervix,” I warned her.
“Sorry about that. I’m all finished. We’ll wait for a few hours and see how things go. Settle in, try to nap, and rest as much as you can, Kirsten. You might not feel anything, but your body will be working hard for the next few hours, even harder once the delivery starts.”
Janice walked in with Drew’s coffee. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d be this late.” She handed him his coffee.
“No worries, Nurse Janice. I just finished with Kirsten. Now, it’s just the waiting game,” replied Dr. McKael as she washed her hands.
Once the doctor left the room became all quiet, Drew kissed me on the lips. He whispered, “How was that?”
“Painful.”
“I’m sorry sweetheart. I think we should call our parents and Liz to let them know that you’re settled in, and we are just going to wait.”
“Can you do it? I kinda just want to rest for a bit.”
Drew kissed my head. “Sure, baby.” Then, he went into the waiting area to make the calls.
Liz walked in with a shitload of stuff. “No baby yet? Jesus, Kirsten, just push the thing out already,” she joked.
I laughed. “What in the world did you bring?”
“I brought lunch for Drew and me and a few things that you might need.” Liz looked around the room. “Where is Drew?”
“He just needed to go for a walk before the doctor comes back.”
Liz plucked herself on my bed and opened her sandwich.
“Do you mind eating that somewhere else?” I asked, my stomach growling.
“Nope,” she said.
As I watched her take a big bite, I swore she moaned.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” I gritted through my teeth.
“No discomfort?” She took another big bite.
“None. You’re a bitch, you know that?”
“Yes.” And she took another big bite.
The door opened and Dr. McKael walked in, “Kirsten, how are you feeling? Ready for another checkup? She asked while washing her hands. “Let’s see how your cervix is doing.” Dr. McKael turned away from the sink. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t…hi, Liz.”
“Hey, Dr. McKael,” Liz said before swallowing the last of her fucking sandwich.
“Would you like Liz to leave?” Dr. McKael asked me.
“No, it’s okay. I think it’s only fair that she gets to see my vagina, too.”
“Kirsten, your cervix has softened more, but the gel has worn off, so I’d like to place some more on.”
“Okay.” I said while grabbing Liz’s hand.
“Now, we’ll wait until two o’clock and go from there. Don’t forget to rest and not too many visitors, okay?”
I smiled at her while tucking in my blankets.
“Are you cold, Kirsten?” asked Janice.
“I’m starting to feel a little chilly.”
“I’ll grab you a blanket out of the warmer. I’ll be right back.”
As Janice walked out, Drew walked in.
“Did I miss the doctor? I was talking with my parents. They stopped by to see if we needed anything.”
“No changes yet, so they just gave me another round of gel,” I said.
“I’m going to go, so you both can get some rest. When I called Caroline and told her they induced you today, she insisted on flying out, so I’m gonna get her from the airport. We’ll stop in later tonight.” Liz kissed Drew on the cheek. “You’ll be a great dad.” Then, she came and kissed my head. “Lie on your left side and rest. I love you both.”
Twelve o’clock came…nothing.
One o’clock came…nothing.
Two o’clock came…nothing.
I let out a deep sigh. “This is taking forever.”
I looked over at Drew, and he was sound asleep in his chair. Great, the fucker stole my nap.
Two thirty, and the doctor walked in with Janice. “Looks like things are at a standstill. I think what we’ll do is leave everything for now, and when I’m finished with my rounds, we’ll start you on the drip.”
I started to cry.
“Don’t cry, love. Everything is happening the way it’s supposed to be.” Drew sat beside me on the bed.
Liz came back at three and brought Drew another snack.
“I’m beginning to fucking hate you,” I said between my teeth.
Liz laughed her cheerful laugh.
“Drew, why don’t you eat this in the waiting area and visit with Adam?”
“Adam’s here?” I asked.
“Yeah, as I was walking up to the hospital, I saw him pull up.”
“I’ll do that. I think Kirsten could use a distraction.” He grabbed his snack and headed out.
“Gee
z, didn’t take much to get him to leave,” joked Liz.
“He hates seeing me cry.” I fluffed my blankets.
“Why are you crying?”
“I just want this over with already. I hate waiting, and I’m not in control of the situation.”
“When the baby pops out, you won’t care how long this took. You never know. You might have an easy labor, unlike mine.”
“I fucking should. I puked forever. I’ve had leaking boobs for four months, and I’m not even breastfeeding yet. I have more stretch marks than roads in the state of Texas.” I started crying again.
“I didn’t realize you’ve been that sick.”
“I didn’t want to burden you with everything else going on.”
“Leaky boobs, huh?” Liz asked with a scrunched-up face.
“Yeah, the doctor said with the amount of colostrum in them, I should be a great milking machine.”
Liz made a sucking face. “Ma-ma.”
“Fuck off.” I slapped her chest.
“I’m going to pick up Ryder at my mom’s, go to the airport, and then start dinner. Derek should be home late tonight,” Liz said, grabbing her purse.
“Have you two talked yet?”
“I tried a few times, but he diverts the conversation.”
“I think he is just scared.”
“I want to ask him to officially move in with us.”
“Move in as…”
“My bed.” Liz shrugged her shoulders.
“Good for you. Give kisses to Ryder for me.”
“Will do. See you later, Mom.”
At three thirty, Drew helped me up to go to the bathroom.
As soon as I was standing, I felt an instant drop. I grabbed my belly and looked at Drew. “Something dropped.”
“Should I call Janice?”
“Yes, but help me to the toilet first.”
“Drew tells me you felt something drop,” Janice said as she helped me off the toilet.
“Yes, and I feel a bit of pressure at my pubic hairline.”
“Any pain?”
“No, just pressure.” I tried rubbing the line of pressure.
“Good news, Kirsten. I think you’ve started labor. Let’s get you settled into bed, and I’ll call Dr. McKael.”
“I’d say that you are three centimeters dilated. That’s a great start. Once we break your water, things will happen in a hurry. It won’t be long, and then you’ll be holding your little baby.” Dr. McKael smiled.
The Game-Kirsten Backhard Page 29