by Blue, Jayne
“Okay, please don’t run away while I shower.”
“Not a chance. Food is my priority, and sleep, so go on.”
She shooed me and I had to admit she was right. I needed that hot shower like I needed food and sleep too.
I came out to find Harlow had put our food out on napkins. I sat at the table with her and dug in.
“The diner’s pretty damn good right?” I said between bites.
“Damn good is right. And you got me pie? That was a good call.”
“Thanks.”
We concentrated on eating, or inhaling rather, the food and made quick work of it.
“I think this might be the best food I’ve ever eaten.”
“You were wasting away, I’m glad to hear it.”
“Yeah, it had been what? Two days or something?”
“Jesus.”
“Sometimes, when I’m taking care of the dogs, I forget to eat.”
I watched her dig in and felt good, at least, that I could take care of her this way. I knew it was nothing compared to what I’d need to protect her from tomorrow. I wanted her trust, so I opened the door.
“Okay, so we’re sitting here and you have questions. Let’s get some of them answered.”
“Some of them?”
“I’ll do my best.” I didn’t know if I could still scare her away. Probably. My life was a scary story with dark places.
“Did you always know there were guns in my truck?”
“Not when I saw you in the diner, but when you drove away, yes, that’s when I knew you were the person I had to tale.”
“What’s your job?”
“I’m supposed to be silently making sure you get to Mexico with this truck, no incidents, no issues.”
“You suck at that so far.”
“Yes, yes I do.”
“Whose guns are in my truck?”
“Technically Devil’s Hawks, they were trying to sell them to people in Saint’s territory, Port Az.”
“So you stole them and hid them in my truck?”
“Well, I didn’t steal them or hide them, but my brothers did. They didn’t know you were the driver. Trust me on that. They thought you were some old fat ass.”
“Okay, your brothers, like actual brothers?”
“No, well, the same thing. My brothers in the MC. Closer than brothers.”
“I wasn’t supposed to know?”
“No, you weren’t, but the Hawks figured out we stole their guns a lot faster than we expected they would. We’re still not sure how. But if it had gone as we planned, we’d have been in Mexico long before they knew what hit them.”
“What’s in Mexico?”
“Well, for you, a new shipment of puppies, right? For The Dark Saints, the Mexican cartel who will pay big and keep them away from Port Az and the Hawks.”
“So you’re an MC and they’re an MC, what’s the fucking difference?”
“I think you’ve seen the difference. They’re out for themselves. We ride for each other and for Port Az. Big difference, I think. We’re getting those guns off our streets. They want them to do violence to the people in Port Az. And none of my brothers would do what they’ve tried to do to you over and over again.”
“Rape or kill me?”
I winced. That was the Hawks: they took in every evil psycho they could and Harlow had seen what that meant first hand. I was the only Dark Saint she’d seen, and I hoped the difference was obvious enough, but I was violent too, and probably scared the shit out of her.
“We don’t let shit heel homicidal maniacs in. Yeah, we have dangerous people but Hawks are fucking evil. And you’ve seen it.”
“I guess I have.”
“Now it’s your turn. Why are you doing what you’re doing? You’re beautiful and obviously smart and yet you’re working for next to nothing. You’re doing this weird little job.”
“Fuck off. I love my job.”
I knew there had to be more to it though.
“It’s not just a job for you, is it?” I put my hand over hers and she didn’t move away. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t going to keep things from her, and by the same token, I wanted her to open up to me. How did she really get here?
“This job is payback.”
“What do you mean?”
“My dad was an abusive asshole.” The idea that she grew up with pain or anything less than she deserved hurt my heart.
“I’m sorry.”
She looked away, almost like she saw something play out that wasn’t in the room.
“For years, he’d get shelter dogs for me, call them my new sister or brother. It didn’t take me long to get attached. I loved any kind of animal from bugs to puppies from as far back as I can remember.”
I didn’t interrupt or ask any questions. I didn’t want to her to stop.
“Then, he’d get drunk, or pissed, or just bored. One of his favorite things was to let me choose. Either my furry brother or sister would get the beating or get burned – or whatever other bullshit he devised – or I would.”
“Jesus.”
“Yes, he’d hold the animal hostage until I decided.”
She stopped talking for a second and tears welled up in her eyes.
“It’s okay,” I said and put my other hand out. If I could get my hands on her father, I’d fucking kill him.
“Many times, too many times, I was too afraid to take the punishment and I let him hurt the dogs. More times than I could count.”
She pulled her hands away and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.
“So you’re trying to make up for that?”
“Yes. My Dad knew I loved animals. I was born that way. He used it against me every day. And I wasn’t strong enough to stop it. I lost count of how many times I could have saved those babies but didn’t. Now I can try to make things right. Though I know, it will never make up for how weak I was.”
“You weren’t weak. You aren’t weak. You’re a survivor and now, well you’re more than that. I saw you put that fucker away when he had Tookie.”
Harlow’s fierce reaction was pretty easy to understand on the face of it when it happened. But now, hearing what she’d gone through as a kid, it made even more sense.
“If I ever get my hands on your Dad, I’d pay him back for you.”
I meant it too. What kind of monster does that to a little kid?
“Well, too late, he died in a car wreck.”
“When?”
“Right after my 18th birthday. He left nothing but debts and abuse behind. I’ve been working on getting past both of those things ever since. You may have your club and your brothers, but I’m a loner. I understand animals way better than I do people. And saving them, finding them good homes, that’s my penance, one I’ll never be done with.”
“But you have nothing to do penance for. You were the victim.”
“I chose myself over them, to save myself. That’s the karma I’m trying to balance,” she explained. Harlow Hayes was on a mission that was bigger than homes for animals. She was trying to rewrite history.
“I’ve never met anyone with a soul like yours. Sweet, pure, and good. You’ve got nothing to balance. The fucking universe is better with you in it. Period.”
And I meant every word. Curse her fucking dad for messing her up. There were evil people in the world, too many, and nothing stopped them from being parents. That was the hell of it.
“I think I have a lot to balance. But you’re sweet to think I’m so great for the universe because now you know pretty much everything about me. The sad, lonely story. What don’t I know about you, Kade Davis?” Her eyes turned from focusing somewhere else, someplace else, to me, and our present situation.
I didn’t want to tell her. After the stuff she revealed about her Dad, how could I tell her I’d been violent, out of control, and I paid for it in prison?
How would she react? I decided that although we had started on a lie if I wanted her to stay with me, I had
to tell her the truth. Now.
“I’m a convicted felon.”
She blinked but didn’t move away.
“What did you do?”
“I lost my shit in a fight. I beat a man near to death when I couldn’t control my shit.”
“Why?”
She had just told me her father was evil and violent and I was admitting that violence was my history and probably my future.
“It started as an insult to the Prez of my club. I have an overprotective nature and a quick fuse. Once I started punching, I didn’t stop. My brothers pulled me off but it was too late. I’d done a lot of damage and there were a lot of witnesses.”
“Your temper. That’s what you blame?”
“It wasn’t the first time I lost my shit. I always had a reason, but yeah, I have a problem. Or I did.”
“You did?”
“Free anger management counseling in the joint. They also have a workout facility. But the food sucks.”
I was trying to lighten the mood. My time in prison was serious and the reason was too. But I hoped she wasn’t even more afraid of me now. Though maybe she should be.
“I’ve seen you lose your shit.”
“Yes, yes you have. But it was a for a good cause, you remember?”
She was right. I lost it to protect her. I tried not to think about how it was the same as when I got my nose out of joint to protect Bear. Maybe I hadn’t changed as much as I thought.
“I guess so. Kade, what’s going to happen to me if the Hawks get me? I’m dead? Is that it?”
“They’re not going to get to you. I promise you that. We’re going to get this fucking job in Mexico done and my brothers, well, we’ll handle the Hawks. That’s what we do.”
“I’m scared.”
I didn’t tell her not to be. I wanted her to be afraid of the Hawks because they would fucking murder her if they had a chance to. I wanted her to do what I said so if it came to it she’d listen and be safe. I just hoped she didn’t have to encounter another Hawk. I hoped Bear was working on his end to smooth some shit out.
I hoped it but I wasn’t going to bet on it. I had to get these guns out of her truck and then I had to regroup. The Hawks had it out for the Saints, but they also now had it out for Harlow. We’d put her on a dangerous path.
“I’m here. Nothing’s going to happen. No one knows we’re at this motel. We need to get some sleep. It’s a short drive tomorrow but we have to be alert.” I reassured her as best as I could.
“Yep.”
I wasn’t sure she believed me but now that she had food in her, and some idea of what was happening, I saw her body insist on what she still needed. And that was rest.
“Come on.” I stood up helped her do the same. I ushered her over to the bed and watched her lay down. I grabbed the blankets and tucked them up high around her,
“You’re tucking me in?” she asked me and even as she said it she was half asleep.
“Yep, the difference between a Dark Saint and the rest of the MCs in the world. When we find a gorgeous but sleepy woman, we tuck her in. We don’t take advantage.”
I watched her close her eyes and a little smile played on her lips. She was slipping into sleep fast.
I looked out the motel peephole. Nothing was happening. It was quiet. Harlow’s breathing told me she was deeply asleep. It had only taken seconds. I hoped that it meant she felt safe.
And she was, with me, for a few hours at least. Who knew what tomorrow’s trip across the border would bring?
12
Harlow
I was having a nightmare. It was the same one. My Dad was squeezing Tookie; the puppy changed sometimes, but it was always the same dream.
I couldn’t do anything but watch as it happened. I tried to run but it was like my legs were in mud. I couldn’t get to Tookie, or Patches, or Rusty, or any of the animals he’d hurt. Then the face changed. It wasn’t my Dad; it was a Devil’s Hawk, Farkus.
I couldn’t wake myself. I knew it was a nightmare but I couldn’t stop it. My Dad was dead. Farkus was dead.
Then it happened. A powerful light burned away the scene and I could move. I felt a warm but solid presence at my back.
I was okay. I drifted back to sleep and if I dreamed the rest of the night, I didn’t recall it in the morning.
Kade was in bed next to me, behind me. I knew that. I sank into his body and slept. I slept better than I could ever recall.
Kade’s body shielded mine in my dream and on this too-small bed. I had a lot to analyze about what Kade had told me. What kind of life did he lead? Were violence and rage a part of being in an MC? Or was it true that he was different? Were the Saints and the Hawks really different from each other?
I moved the thoughts to the back of my mind. And I didn’t fully dissect our conversation; I couldn’t just yet. I needed rest and Kade helped me get it.
Kade had gone to sleep after me and he woke up before me. I turned over and he was standing at the window. The blinds were still drawn closed. He had jeans on and nothing else. They rode low on his hips and I could see the muscle and bone there. I let myself look, really look, at his body. It was a work of art. He had tats that I’d yet to ask about or explore. They started on his powerful shoulder and worked their way down his right arm.
His hair was so dark. I would have killed to have that thick, glossy mane; instead, I had a riot of curls that had a mind of their own. I wondered if the hair came from his Comanche side? I could picture Tahalina’s face when I looked at his. I watched second or two more and then I couldn’t hold back.
I crawled out of bed and padded over to him. He looked at me and I melted on the spot. His eyes were beautiful and studied me with softness, in contrast with his hard jaw. I noticed his jawline was cleaner than I’d seen it last night.
“You shaved?” I said and ran my cheek up against his jaw.
“I don’t like how it burned on your pretty skin,” Kade said and then pulled me into his arms.
“I’m not complaining.” And I wasn’t. I should be. I should be doing a million much smarter things than kissing Kade.
He ran his hand up the back of the loose t-shirt I’d slept in, and I felt him slide his rough palm across the skin of my back, and then up to my shoulder blades and back again. His gentle caress warmed my body and had me thinking of all the moments before when I’d let him take me, wanted him to take me.
“Your skin is perfect, soft, sweet,” he whispered and leaned down. His kiss was soft on my lips and he tasted like toothpaste and coffee. It was delicious. And then I realized it.
“Hey, coffee!” I broke away and looked at the table. He’d gotten us food again, and coffee. I had no idea that he’d left the room, showered, and come back while I’d slept like the dead. I opened the lid of the disposable coffee cup and inhaled.
“And eat a little. Now that I know you forget to do that, you’re doomed,” Kade instructed.
“You trying to fatten you up?”
“I’m trying to be sure you’re strong and healthy.” Kade walked over, grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it over his muscular chest. I sighed a little in regret. I wasn’t a woman who ogled men, but it was impossible not to appreciate Kade Davis in all his glory. I felt a warm blush on my cheeks when I remembered the two of us in my truck and outside my truck. Kade’s body had me losing my head.
We quickly packed up our stuff from the small motel room. I realized this was the only bed the two of us had been near and we hadn’t even made love on it. Since we’d got here, Kade had been treating me like I was fragile and might break. And maybe he was right. I needed the few hours of nourishment and rest. I was still confused about what my feelings for Kade really meant, and whether what we had was something to build on or something that would burn out.
I focused on the very short term. I knew I had animals to get in Mexico and Kade had guns to deliver. I didn’t know what would happen after that but I committed to that course of action at least. In my head, I knew
I should run away, get somewhere that the Hawks or the Saints didn’t exist. In my heart, I wanted to stay with Kade. I wanted to fall asleep again with his strong body shielding mine.
So, it was onward to Mexico, but this time I was driving. This was my truck – well, Rudy’s anyway – and it was my job to get these new animals. I was going to try to pretend like the rest of it didn’t exist. The side windows were shot to hell but I cleaned up the rough edges. We’d drive with the open air. I wondered if I’d catch hell from Rudy about the truck. I wondered how Rudy could ever believe what had happened.
We gassed up, Kade checked his bike, and then we made our way to the highway.
It was less than an hour’s drive to the border crossing. It was a trip I’d made before without any apprehension or fear. But knowing what was in the back of my truck changed all that.
“Just do what you normally do. I’m here with you, that’s the only difference.”
“Yeah, right.” I was breaking the law, no question, but then I’d already done that with the Devil’s Hawk. It was self-defense – or rather puppy defense – but still. I’d been the one who struck out. I’d killed a man. I didn’t know it at the time, but then I should have reported it. I caved to Rudy’s advice to be quiet. Now I wondered what type of trouble I was in, maybe even with the law.
I’d traveled so far away from a safe and predictable course that forward seemed the only way to go right now. And there was Kade. He reassured me, guided me, and made me think there were only a few more hours of guns in my truck before I could try to piece my normal existence back together.
I kept my eyes on the road. Kade reached out and squeezed my leg. This is just another crossing, dammit. Part of me wished I was still in the dark about the guns.
We reached the border and I got out a passport, Kade did the same. There was a small line of cars headed into Mexico and we inched forward. It felt like the cab was getting warmer every second we stayed in the line, every foot we got closer to the border agents.
“Do it like you always do it, Harlow. It will be fine.” Kade slid back in his seat and acted like he was bored, or like he could just as easily take a nap. Meanwhile, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.