by Catherine Lo
I looked back as the vice principal, Mr. Anderson, marched me from the cafeteria. Courtney was doubled over, with a teacher beside her, and Annie was still sitting in her chair, looking as shocked as I felt.
At least the deadness in her eyes was gone, I thought with a manic giggle.
“This is not funny,” Mr. Anderson told me, propelling me toward the office. “You’re looking at a suspension here.”
I tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe the smile off my face while I rolled the idea of a suspension around in my head.
Totally worth it.
Annie
I’m sketching the look that was on Jessie’s face at the moment her fist made contact with Courtney’s nose, when Jess walks into my room.
I’m so shocked to see her that I don’t say anything at first. I didn’t invite her, and it feels like a violation for her to just show up like this.
“What do you want?” I say in a voice that lets her know just how unwelcome she is.
She blinks in surprise. “I . . . I thought you’d be happy to see me.” She edges closer to my bed, and I close my sketchbook before she can see what I’m drawing. I’m not sure what it says about either one of us that the first time I’ve managed to capture her in a sketch was immediately after she clobbered Courtney.
“Why? Because you came to my rescue today? Am I supposed to fall all over myself thanking you now?”
“No,” she says quietly. “But I thought we could talk.”
“Trust me. You don’t want to talk to me.”
“You can’t be serious,” she says, glaring at me. “What more, exactly, do I need to do to prove my friendship?”
“I don’t want you to prove your friendship. I want you to go away.”
She shakes her head angrily and storms toward the door. “You’re unbelievable.”
I knew it, I think. I knew she’d leave.
Just before she steps over the threshold into the hallway, though, she whirls around and marches back into my room. “You know what? Fuck that!”
I startle, and a nervous laugh escapes me. Jess never swears. “Did you just say fuck that?”
“Yeah. Fuck that. And fuck you, Annie. Do you know what a big deal it was for me to stand up to Courtney? I did that for you.” A tear escapes her right eye and tracks down her face. “Do you have any idea how much I wish I’d had someone to stand up for me all those years ago? How much it would have meant for me to have anyone—anyone—stand beside me? I wanted to be that person for you, you ungrateful bitch.”
Her chest is heaving and her cheeks are flushed, and I’m so scared I’m afraid to breathe. I swallow hard and then ask, “Why?”
“Why?”
“Why me? Was it really for me? Or was it for you?”
Her face melts into a sad smile. “Is that what you think? That I just wanted to get revenge on Courtney?”
I shrug.
“Trust me when I tell you that the last thing I ever wanted to do was stand up in a crowded cafeteria and have it out with Courtney. I was peeing my pants the whole time!” A giggle escapes her, and she slaps her hand over her mouth as if to hold it in.
“You’re crazy,” I tell her, trying to hold a straight face. I don’t even recognize this girl who swears and yells at me and punches Courtney in the nose. There’s a laugh welling up inside me, but when it comes out, it’s a sob instead.
I don’t know what to do with all this feeling.
Jess takes a step toward me, and I put up my hand to stop her. “Thank you for today,” I choke out. “Really. But I don’t deserve it.”
“What are you talking about?” she says gently. “You’re my friend.”
“Trust me. You don’t want to be my friend. If you knew everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve screwed up. You’d go running.”
“You’re wrong.”
I laugh a bitter little laugh. “You don’t know.”
“Try me,” she says, folding her arms over her chest. “There’s nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you.”
She’s so naive, standing there. I can’t help myself. I open my mouth, and it all comes out. I tell her about how alone I am here at home and how much I hate Madeleine and Sophie. I tell her about the abortion and how I could have stopped it and didn’t. I tell her how I spat on the memory of my mom by destroying a life when that was the most precious thing of all. And I tell her how I lost my mom’s necklace and was too chicken to go back and look for it.
It all comes spilling out, pooling on the floor between us. All the ugliness and all the shame. I let it puddle in the space between us, sure that it will give her the push she needs to walk away. Sure that she will see me for who I really am and recognize that I’m not the person she thinks.
Jess stands there while I let it all out. She sees it all.
And then she walks right through that sea of ugliness like it’s not even there, and envelops me in a hug.
Jessie
Annie pulled away at first, but I held on anyway. She stiffened and laughed uncomfortably, but I held on. I held on until she gave in to the hug, and I kept holding on when she started to cry.
I felt it pouring out of her—all the pain and shame and sadness.
“I had no idea,” I told her as she sobbed against my shoulder. “I’m so, so sorry.”
She shook her head, pulling back to look at me.
“I’m sorry you had to do all that alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
She shifted and sat cross-legged on her bed. “You don’t think I’m a bad person?”
Something about the way she looked at me broke my heart in two. She looked so uncertain. So full of doubt. “I think you’re an outstanding person. And a brave one, too.”
She shook her head, as if I’d missed the point. “You’re lying, then. Because I’m not brave at all. If I was brave, I wouldn’t have let all this happen.”
“Bullshit,” I told her, reveling in my new, badass way of swearing. “Being brave doesn’t mean nothing bad happens to you. Bad things happen no matter what. Being brave is how you handle those things. How you keep going and trying and being yourself.”
“You’re the brave one,” she told me, bumping her shoulder against mine. “You really ripped Courtney a new one today.”
I laughed. “I was pretty awesome, wasn’t I?”
“Did you get in trouble?”
“Three-day suspension,” I admitted. “And a warning. Courtney and I aren’t allowed to talk to each other. You can imagine how broken up I am by that.”
“Holy shit! Did your parents freak? How are you here and not grounded for eternity?”
I shrugged. “I told them the truth—that my best friend was being bullied and I stood up for her. When Mom found out it was Courtney, she nearly did a cartwheel.”
“Well, you found your inner bitch today, that’s for sure. Remind me never to piss you off.”
“You know what they say,” I deadpanned. “Bitches get stuff done.”
Annie sputtered. “Put that up on your geek wall!”
I laughed till I snorted, which made both of us laugh harder.
When we finally came up for air, an idea started to take shape in my mind. “Speaking of getting stuff done,” I said, “get ready. We’re going out.”
Annie shook her head. “No way. I’m exhausted. Let’s just hang out here.”
“No. I mean, we have somewhere very specific we need to go.” I pushed her into her bathroom and then pulled out my phone to do some research.
By the time Annie came out, there was a taxi waiting out front. “What the hell, Jess?” she said. “I’m really not up for an adventure right now.”
“Tough,” I told her, loving the shocked look on her face. “Just trust me.”
I had the taxi drop by my house, where my mom was waiting with the money I’d asked to borrow for the fare. I jumped out and grabbed it from her before sprinting back to the cab. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she c
alled after me.
“Nope,” I said, watching the shock register on her face. “You’re just going to have to trust me.”
Back in the cab, I gave the address of the building and crossed my fingers that this would all work out.
Annie
The taxi pulls up outside a building I never wanted to see again.
I’m suddenly so mad at Jess, I could cry.
“Why?” I ask her in disbelief. “Why would you do this to me?”
She looks shaken for a moment, but then puts her hand on my arm to steady me. “We’re going to get your mom’s necklace back.”
I feel like throwing up. I love her and hate her, and I feel like I don’t know how to get out of this car. What if it’s not there? I can’t walk through those doors for nothing.
“I’ll be right beside you,” she says, leaning over and popping the door open. “Let’s go.”
Inside the waiting room, my legs start to shake. I never imagined coming back here in a million years. Thankfully, the room is empty. I couldn’t handle seeing anyone waiting for an appointment.
Jess leads me over to the receptionist, and I notice with some relief that it’s a different one from the day I was here. I’m terrified of anyone recognizing me.
“Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist asks, looking from Jess to me and back again.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
“I called earlier,” Jess says. “About the necklace.”
The receptionist perks up, and my heart starts to beat fast. “Just a moment,” she says, getting up and scooting out of view.
I look at Jess, tears brimming in my eyes. “They have it?”
She nods, and bumps her hip against mine.
The receptionist comes back into view, looking excited. “Janet will be out in a moment.” She gestures at the chairs in the waiting room, but I’m too excited to sit down.
The door on the far side of the waiting room opens, and I recognize the social worker from the day of my . . . procedure.
She must recognize me, too, because she walks right up and shakes my hand. “We’ve been hoping someone would come back for this,” she says, patting the pocket of her jacket. “It seems very special.”
I nod, my mouth going dry.
“Just to be sure you’re the right owner,” she says apologetically, “would you mind describing the necklace?”
“Um, sure,” I squeak out. “It’s a single diamond. On a white gold chain.”
“We have a winner!” Janet booms, producing the necklace from her pocket and handing it to me.
I fall to my knees, I’m so relieved and grateful. I look at Jessie, tears streaming down my face. “You found it.”
Janet looks at Jessie and then at me. “I don’t remember your name, I’m sorry. But I do remember speaking with you.” She looks at her watch. “I don’t have another appointment for forty-five minutes, and I’d love to see how you’re doing. Why don’t you come back to my office for a bit?”
“My name’s Annie,” I say, looking over at Jessie. “And thanks, but I think we should probably be going.”
Jessie looks at the social worker and then over at the waiting area. “Actually,” she says, “I haven’t read that issue of Us Weekly yet. I’m cool waiting.”
I look at Janet and shrug. Might as well.
I follow her out of the waiting room, turning to look at Jess before I step through the door.
She gives me a wobbly smile, and I stumble a bit as I recognize the expression on her face. She’s proud. Jess is proud of me.
Jessie
“C’mon c’mon c’mon,” Annie urges, pulling me through the halls. It’s my first day back from suspension. With the weekend falling in the middle of my time off, it’s been almost a week since I’ve been at school. So much has changed that my head is spinning. Changed in a good way, that is.
Annie met me at my locker this morning, dressed in a kilt, crop top, suspenders, and combat boots. It’s part of her new artistic experiment, she informed me. She’s now taking classic looks and deconstructing them by adding unexpected touches. “You should see what I have planned for tomorrow,” she said, arching her left eyebrow. “Think zombie stewardess.”
Unfortunately for Annie, Vice Principal Anderson is not well versed in the arts. He caught sight of her on the way to first period and forced her to zip a hooded sweatshirt over her belly-baring top. At first Annie refused, ranting about the school stifling creativity. When faced with the choice between going home to change and donning the sweatshirt, she finally relented.
“I can’t miss lunch,” she said, poking me in the ribs. “There’s a big surprise.”
We reach the cafeteria, and Annie peeks in and waits for a thumbs-up from Jody before pulling me through the doors. Jody, bless her, stepped right up in my absence. She recruited Annie to our table and made her one of the gang. They texted me over lunch every day, giving me the blow-by-blow of what was happening at school.
That’s how I found out that even though Courtney’s nose was only slightly swollen the day after our fight, by Monday she had two black eyes and a bandage over her nose. Word on the street is, she used our fight as an excuse to get a nose job, claiming I’d broken hers and it had to be reset.
My knees wobble as we enter the cafeteria. People have been looking at me all day, whispering to one another in the halls, and nodding at me in silent recognition. Still, I’m not prepared for the way that heads snap in my direction the minute we walk through the cafeteria doors. I might as well be wearing a sign: I’m the girl who decked Courtney Williams. I put my head down to hide my smile and follow Annie as she weaves through the tables.
When we reach the back of the room, I look up to see Jody and Charlie standing in front of our table, blocking it from view. Jody vibrates with excitement, hopping up and down and clapping her hands. In contrast, Charlie slumps awkwardly, smiling up at me from under his floppy hair. The sight of him nearly sends me into cardiac arrest. Whoever coined the phrase Distance makes the heart grow fonder was definitely onto something. It takes everything I have not to leap into his arms.
“Welcome back!” Jody squeals, yanking Charlie to the side to reveal their surprise. Her eyes bulge as she catches sight of Kevin helping himself to a forkful of cake from the center of the table.
“Shit,” he mumbles as Jody rounds on him.
She’s about to tear into him when Annie starts laughing so hard she snorts. “Don’t encourage him!” Jody protests, her face flaming. “I wanted everything to be perfect.”
“It is perfect,” I tell her, taking it all in. There are balloons and streamers and little bits of confetti sprinkled all over the table. The best part, though, is the cake. It’s decorated like a jail cell, with gray icing bars and the words Welcome back, Slugger scrawled in red.
I grab a plastic fork off the table and take a heaping bite of cake, earning a fist bump from Kevin and a groan from Jody.
“I have plates,” she wails as Annie and Charlie join us. Her shoulders slump as we destroy the cake one delicious bite at a time.
“You’re a bunch of barbarians,” she says grimly.
Kevin slides a fork over to her. “You know you want to.”
She heaves a sigh and slides into the chair beside me. “You’re a bad influence, Avery. First violence and now the corruption of youth.”
Charlie winks at me and slides a wrapped package across the table.
“Presents too? God, I missed you guys.”
Charlie and Annie exchange a conspiratorial smile, and I raise my eyebrows in suspicion. I unwrap the gift cautiously and find a pair of boxing gloves, which I stash under the table as the cafeteria monitor wanders by. “You guys are gonna get me suspended again,” I warn.
We’re polishing off the last of the cake when Courtney walks by with Scott stumbling after her. I stiffen, bracing myself for a confrontation, but she walks right past, as if we don’t exist, and finds her way to her table, whe
re a group of minions receive her like royalty.
Some things never change, I guess. And I’m surprised by how little it bothers me. For the first time ever, Courtney doesn’t feel like the enemy. She’s just a girl I don’t particularly like.
Annie’s phone chimes on the table, and she looks at it scornfully.
“He’s been texting me like crazy,” she says, flashing me the screen. Scott.
I blink at her in surprise. “Are you texting him back?”
“Only to torture him,” she says mischievously, standing up and unzipping her sweatshirt before giving a theatrical stretch that manages to show off her killer abs.
I sneak a look at Scott and see that he’s practically drooling on his cafeteria tray.
“You’re evil,” I tell her, impressed.
Her phone chimes again, and she shakes her head in disbelief. “He seriously thinks I’ll take him back.”
Not in a million years, she taps out on the phone, and then turns it off and stashes it in her bag. “He’s not worth the time,” she tells me. “This is a special day.”
I laugh and bump my shoulder against hers. “I have a surprise for you, too.” I reach for my bag slowly, drawing out the suspense, and watch as Annie bounces in her seat, excited.
I pull out a stapled packet of typed pages and present them to her with a flourish. “Ta-da!”
“Seriously? I bring you a party and you bring me . . . your homework?”
“Not exactly,” I say, laughing. “But kinda. Remember that god-awful story I wrote for Miss Donaghue last semester?”
Annie rolls her eyes at me. “You mean the one she told you was full of potential?”
“Yeah. That one. I have a confession to make. I was really upset when she hated the ending.”
“You don’t say.”
I smack her with the papers. “I’m being serious here.” I laugh. “Back then, I couldn’t imagine any other outcome. I got stuck on one idea and couldn’t see past it.”
Annie gives me a rueful smile. “I can identify with that. So what changed?”