“Because I...”
He snorted. “Hard to say it, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Okay. Then, let me say it for you. You want to see me, but you don’t want to be seen with me. That’s why you declined dinner downtown where Jack could see us together. And God forbid I should try to hold you or kiss you. That would be really going too far, wouldn’t it? I might jeopardize everything you want. That about sum it up?”
“Austin, it’s really complicated for me, and I’m trying to put everything into perspective here—”
He cut her off with a wave of his hand. “Forget it. I’ve heard all your explanations. I don’t know why I asked you out tonight.”
She ground her jaw, feeling anger, frustration and confusion fill her brain. She couldn’t think. “Me, either.”
“The truth is, Katia, I wanted to see you, too. I like being with you when you’re not tied up in knots about your job and your boss. I keep thinking that if you spend more time with me, you’ll see that I might be as important to you as those things are. Apparently not. You frustrate me to death! I still get the feeling that you’re leading me on—”
“That’s not true.”
“No? Right now you’re sitting there looking at me with the same love-filled eyes I’ve remembered for years. I’ve always been pretty good at reading faces, and yours is the easiest. But each time you pull this ‘hide in the shadows’ bit, as if you’re ashamed of me, I’m sucked back to when you left Indian Lake and didn’t contact me. I feel abandoned and hopeless. I keep telling myself that, no, that’s not what Katia wants—”
“It’s not,” she said forcefully, leaning forward.
He shook his head. “Maybe not directly, but that’s how it comes across to me. And it’s not good.”
“Austin, the last thing in the world I want is for you to feel those awful things again. I couldn’t bear it if I caused that.”
He peered into her eyes. “Then, you should leave, Katia.”
“Maybe if you would start being my friend and try to see my side in all this, we could figure it out.”
He rose and looked down at her. “I’ll work on that.” His tone held a finality that told her there was no more room for discussion.
Katia scooted her chair out and walked to the hall closet where he’d hung her coat. She reached into the side pocket of her purse.
“Here,” she said.
“What’s this?”
She put his old house key in his hand. “A Christmas present. I won’t be needing it anymore.”
When she walked out of the house, it was snowing, and the wind kicked around the trees with a vengeance. The brittle, frigid night matched Katia’s broken heart.
* * *
THREE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, Katia was at her desk, Melanie was answering the phones and Jack was in his office with Claire Ebberhart, who had joined the firm the week before. Katia’s cell phone rang. Austin.
“Hi,” she said in a near whisper, and turned her chair around so Melanie couldn’t hear her conversation.
“I called to say goodbye,” Austin said, though there was so much noise in the background, Katia wasn’t quite sure she’d heard him right.
“Where are you? And what are you doing?”
“I’m at O’Hare. I’m off to Phoenix.”
Katia shot to her feet. “Just like that? You didn’t tell me.”
“Sure I did. I shut down the plant for two weeks every year while I go to Phoenix for the holidays. You’ve been more than a little busy lately anyway.” He spoke loudly over the noise.
“I know. It couldn’t be helped. We’re new here, and it’s been a lot more work than I expected.”
“So you said. Well, I just wanted to say merry Christmas and happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year to you, too, Austin.” Katia felt the words cut through her heart like glass. She wouldn’t be seeing Austin at all over the holidays.
She’d been so intent on saving her career that she’d had to assess every aspect of her life. That meant purposefully doing everything she could not to think about Austin, let alone see him or call him. What a fool she’d been to believe she could make her feelings for Austin go away. Austin wasn’t a right click, delete on a computer. He was Austin.
He filled her life, mind and heart like he had when they were teens. She wished there was some way to eradicate her need to be with him, but the only effective distraction she’d found had been work. Hours and hours of mind-numbing work.
Every night she’d fallen into bed so drained and exhausted she hadn’t thought about anything. She’d managed to speak to Austin in snippets over the past three weeks, but that was all.
Apparently, he’d felt the slight.
Or had he?
He’d just said that he closed the plant and went away every year. This was his normal routine. Katia hadn’t been in his life for a very long time, and she was the one trying to keep him at arm’s length. She had to accept the consequences of that.
“Have a great time in Arizona,” she said with a hollow feeling in her chest. “When will you be back?”
She dropped into her chair and put her forehead in her hand. She wasn’t doing very well with this balancing act between her heart and her career.
“I’m not sure. It depends on the car shows and how long it takes to get the cars lined up. The museum is coming along nicely. Hal will send me photos every day. If I have to stay in Phoenix, Tom can run the plant after the first of the year. He’s done it before.”
Katia felt more than a little deflated. She was crushed. She realized she’d conjured some fantasies about spending time with Austin over the holidays. Jack would be in Chicago, and she’d be able to see Austin without looking over her shoulder for fear of losing her job. But those had been daydreams. They had nothing to do with reality. Austin was her client and nothing more. She told herself this was how it had to be, for her survival. This was what she’d asked him for, but everything about her decision felt wrong. Yet she didn’t know how to change any of it.
Austin had made it crystal clear that he wouldn’t be in her life in half measures. Still, Katia couldn’t help wondering why Austin was so upset with her decision when he hadn’t made any mention of a permanent relationship with her. He’d never said that he loved her. He’d never gone the limit and gotten down on one knee. She couldn’t fault him for respecting her decision, but at the same time, he hadn’t swept her off her feet, and that hurt.
“Have a safe trip, Austin,” she said and hung up, wondering if he would care if he knew he held her heart in his hands.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
KATIA SAT IN the front row at St. Mark’s Church with Mrs. Beabots, who was apparently the most honored guest at Maddie’s wedding. Because Maddie had little or no family in attendance, Mrs. Beabots served as the mother of the bride and was the last one seated before the processional began. She wore a raw silk champagne dress and a jacket with beaded cuffs and collar. She winked at Katia and took her hand as the guests stood.
“Wait till you see Maddie. She’s just beautiful,” Mrs. Beabots whispered with joyous tears in her eyes.
As the children’s choir began and the music swelled to fill the church, Katia looked at Nate, who stood at the altar with his brothers. The Barzonni men were dressed alike in midnight-black tuxedos and snow-white shirts. Katia couldn’t imagine anyone radiating more happiness than Nate at that moment. She noticed that he shifted his weight, whispered to Rafe and then fidgeted with his jacket lapels. He looked as if he was corralled in a paddock and ready to race down the aisle, grab Maddie and start the ceremony.
As Katia watched Nate smiling and joking with his brothers and Scott Abbott, the local bookstore owner and stringer for the Indian Lake newspaper, she wondered what that would be like to have a man in her life, a man who was so anxious to be with her that his eyes filled with anticipation just at the thought of seeing her. She certainly didn’t have that with
Austin. Oh, there was a time when she remembered his face looking as though the sun had risen behind his eyes, but they had been young. She chalked it up to naïveté. She and Austin had lost that kind of innocence when she’d betrayed him.
Regret stung Katia’s eyes as she realized that Austin didn’t trust her and never would. No matter how much he protested to the contrary, he would always hold her accountable, and the grudge he carried would keep them apart.
Katia had never felt so alone in all her life. Not after leaving Indian Lake at sixteen and not even after her mother’s death.
Though she’d suffered when she’d moved to Chicago, this was the first time Katia could fully put herself in Austin’s shoes. He’d had no warning or explanation as to why she’d left. Standing in LaGuardia, he’d been prepared for the girl he loved to come to his prom. Austin had told her that he’d thought about marriage then. His plans for their future together had been shattered. How devastated and bereft he must have been.
That was exactly how she felt right now.
After their last dinner together, Austin had made it clear that he didn’t trust her, and even though he had thought he’d wanted to see her, the reality of their being together was too painful. Katia felt as if her heart was being ripped to shreds with talons. Tears filled her eyes. This wasn’t a panic attack. This pain was worse than anything she’d ever experienced. This was the pain Austin had felt when she’d abandoned him.
Her heart went out to him, and she wished there was some way she could make it up to him.
Her fatal mistake had been falling in love with him, and there was no doubt in her mind that she truly loved Austin. She missed talking to him about his cars and the progress of the museum. She’d actually looked forward to learning how to play handball and racquetball with him this winter. She’d come to enjoy cooking in the big kitchen with Daisy, like they had for the Candlelight Tour. But now there were huge empty spaces in her days and evenings that for weeks had been filled with Austin. She had plugged those gaps with her own musings and worry about what could have been and what they should have said to each other. In the end, Katia could never be certain if anything between them would ever change, whether she’d been brave enough to tell him that she loved him or not. In her worst moments, she believed it wouldn’t have made any difference at all.
Now Austin was on his way to Phoenix, and he’d be gone for weeks. She didn’t care that he “always” went to Arizona for the holidays. She didn’t care that he was arranging for the transport of his cars as well as the purchase and trading of other vehicles. She knew what he was doing. He was showing her that she didn’t exist for him.
He didn’t want her.
“Aren’t they lovely?” Mrs. Beabots tugged on Katia’s arm and tilted her head toward the aisle as Olivia, Liz and Isabelle walked to the front of the church. They were dressed alike in winter-white straight velvet skirts and sparkling ivory cardigans. They carried bouquets of white roses with sprigs of dancing rhinestones that glittered in the evening candlelight.
Next was little Annie, dressed in a long white satin dress with a blush-pink sash around her waist, her red hair crowned with white tea roses and rhinestones.
Maddie wore a white peau de soie gown with an A-line skirt. Around the hem were aurora borealis crystals, seed pearls and rhinestones. With each movement, she looked as if she was walking among glittering stars. She wore a fingertip veil that was banded in white satin ribbons, and carried a bouquet of holly, white and blush roses and matching satin streamers that fell nearly to her knees. But it was Maddie’s smile as she walked toward Nate that broke through Katia’s bleak thoughts.
Maddie had no family here, no parent to walk her down the aisle. But she didn’t appear to be letting that darken her mood. Maddie’s face was filled with expectation, love and so much happiness that Katia imagined reaching out and grabbing a handful of it to put into her pocket for safekeeping. Maddie’s joy was so profound that Katia felt as if something was changing inside her.
She wasn’t quite sure, but it felt like hope.
* * *
AUSTIN WATCHED FIREWORKS illuminate the crystal clear night sky above Camelback Mountain. From his vantage point at the terrace bar at the newly refurbished Camelback Inn, he had a panoramic view of the mountains and the desert beyond. He’d finished a lobster dinner with friends, listened to a small band play “Auld Lang Syne” and now they were all hugging each other to ring in the New Year.
Joe Collier had been Austin’s friend since they’d met at York. They’d always shared a love of traditional values, tennis and of course, antique cars. Joe was an investment banker by profession, but once he’d met his wife, Vicki, a Scottsdale native, two years after college graduation, Joe had moved to Arizona, where he’d immersed himself in high-tech communications and become a venture capitalist. He funded start-up companies run by brainiac kids. Joe had a knack for finding pearls in the oceans of new technology, and he kept up a yearly crusade to get Austin to move to Arizona to be his partner.
“I understand that you’re loyal to your employees back there in Indian Lake, and what I’m suggesting would be a radical change. But, Austin, people move every day. They grow. They expand their horizons. Think out of the box here with me for a second. You could do this. Maybe we could work something out so you could be part-time,” Joe said excitedly, shoving the sleeves of his black cashmere sweater up to his elbows.
“There’s no such thing as part-time in a successful business, Joe. We both know that,” Austin replied staunchly, leaning back in the deeply cushioned patio chair. “My plant is shut down, and I’m still on the internet and phone with my clients. It may be the holidays, but in two days, it’s business as usual. So why don’t you tell me the real reason you want me working for you. I’m not such a genius with any of these new gadgets you’re investing in.”
“Quit calling it that. This is revolutionary. We’re developing a waterproof, readable, high-resolution, unbreakable screen for cell phones, ereaders and tablets.”
Austin paused while lifting a glass of port to his lips. “Waterproof.”
“Sweatproof, swimproof, showerproof. You name it.”
Vicki smiled broadly. “As deep as two hundred feet.”
Austin’s eyes tracked from Joe to Vicki. “Why do you look as if you’re gloating?”
“Because I found the genius who thinks he’s invented this screen and the airtight casings around it,” Vicki said. “I pushed Joe to invest with him, and I hope we get to be at the opening bell on Wall Street the day they launch their IPO.”
Joe chuckled. “Vic thinks big.” He grabbed a handful of nuts. “Seriously, Austin, I’m offering you a chance to get in on the ground floor here. I know how much you revere inventors, being from a family of them, and even though I don’t know my shoelaces from my loafers, this is exciting stuff. I need a guy who can do operations. There’s nobody better than you. You’ve been running that manufacturing plant for a long time. You understand employees, production timelines, shipping, suppliers and, ultimately, making the client happy. That’s not my area. Plus, the guys who came up with the idea are good at dreaming and working inside their heads, but they don’t understand the first thing about practical day-to-day stuff. These two kids I’ve invested in, college dropouts, can barely order lunch. I had to hire an assistant for each of them to run their lives. Can you believe that? How in the world would they understand sales meetings or deal with truckers? They can’t even pay utility bills on time. When the news of this invention hits the wires and gets tweeted from here to kingdom come, it’s going to be massive. That’s where you come in again. You know how to handle success like that. Frankly, it’s that kind of huge, instantaneous demand that closes down most of these start-ups before they clock six months on the job.”
“I just don’t know—” Austin started to say.
“This is the future, Austin. I need a guy I can trust, and I want to share this with you.”
“The future,�
� Austin mused, swirling his port. Katia had talked to him about the future, but he hadn’t really been listening. What had she been trying to say to him? “I guess I’m guilty of not putting my future first.”
Joe threw his head back. “Oh, man. I never thought I’d hear you admit it.”
“You know this about me? I’m only surprised because an old friend back home recently brought it up.”
Vicki cocked an eyebrow. “You’re serious? This is a new revelation?”
Austin leaned forward and put his glass on the table. “To say I’ve been in a fog...for quite some time...is stating the obvious. How come you guys didn’t tell me this before?”
Joe put his hand on Austin’s shoulder. “We did. Every year. You weren’t listening. Does this mean you might consider my offer?”
“It might,” Austin replied without thinking. He was amazed at how fast the words came out. Then he thought of the ramifications. Working with Joe would mean moving to Arizona. Possibly on a permanent basis. Austin’s parents had laid out his life for him as if they were putting out his clothes for Sunday school, and until now, he’d never really questioned it. Sure, he’d had other dreams, other passions. But he’d gone to the schools they’d chosen. Ran the business his father had preserved for him. Very little had been asked of him in return, except that he “carry on.”
Austin had never truly chosen for himself.
This opportunity was like an atomic explosion inside him. If he chose this new life, even his daily commute, his routines, would be different. The weather would be different. He could play tennis every week of the year in Arizona. He would make new friends in the place of old ones.
He could start everything from scratch. He could be an entirely different person if he chose to be.
Leave Indian Lake. Could I actually do that?
Would he sell the plant? Sell the family home? He wasn’t even finished with the museum, and already he was considering abandoning it.
Of course, he’d always planned to donate the building to the city as a monument to his ancestors. Now that he knew they probably didn’t deserve his “trophy house,” his interest in the project had dimmed. He’d never started a venture he hadn’t finished, so he knew he would find the enthusiasm to see the museum to fruition. He could only imagine what people would say about him if he didn’t. Especially if he moved to another state.
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