by Terri Reed
It seemed the Taylor men were under a curse. Destined to love women who had no use for marriage, commitment or family.
Josh prayed fervently that when the time came, his son would find love with a woman committed to her family. A woman passionate about marriage and motherhood.
A woman nothing like Rachel Maguire.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.
He’d forced his feelings for Rachel aside and moved on with his life. He’d married and had a son whom he loved beyond anything he thought possible.
Josh opened his eyes and glanced at his watch. School would let out soon. He hoped Griff remembered Grandpa was picking him up today. If he took the bus home, no one would be there. Thankfully Mrs. G’s surgery and subsequent critical condition hadn’t happened a week later since summer vacation would start on Monday.
Until her sickness, Mrs. G. had watched Griff after school. But when Mrs. G. had gone into the hospital, Josh had made it a point to be home from work when his son got there. But today, with Mrs. G.’s condition so critical, he needed to be at the hospital.
And now Rachel was here, too.
So much the same, yet so different. The once-pretty teen had grown into a beautiful woman. Her shoulder-length ebony hair framed her face and made the most of her startling blue eyes. He drew in a deep breath and could have sworn her scent clung to his clothes. She still smelled of a flowered meadow on a summer’s day. Fresh, alive and invigorating.
That’s what had first alerted him to her presence in the hospital room. The familiar and alluring scent of Rachel.
Contrary to what he’d said, he’d known she would return. He just hadn’t realized how hard seeing her again would be. All the agony of having loved and lost, which he’d hidden away, was simmering and working its way through his heart. He didn’t like it one bit.
He didn’t need to remind himself that he wasn’t enough, that his love wasn’t enough. The knowledge was branded across his soul.
Yet this Rachel was different. As a teen she’d been warm and lively, full of laughter. Now she was so calmly cool and in control. She was like an exquisitely designed ice sculpture. Each angle and curve perfectly cut, the sleek and smooth surface beckoning to be touched. Yet to the one who dared, the scar of freezer burn would be their reward. This Rachel wasn’t the woman he’d fallen in love with all those years ago. He took comfort in that. Finally something that didn’t remind him of the past.
Staring up at the window, he watched sunlight splinter through the various colors of the beautiful stained-glass cross. He wanted to pray for himself, wanted to lay his troubles at the feet of Jesus. But he couldn’t. Oh, he could pray for others—Mrs. G., Griff, his dad. Even strangers. But not himself.
Anger lay between him and Jesus like a desolate wasteland. No way around it, no way across it.
Abruptly he stood and walked away, leaving behind the chapel and the peace that God could offer.
He wound his way through the hospital to the cafeteria where he ordered two cups of coffee to go. Not knowing how Rachel took hers, he stuck packets of sugar and cream in his pocket. As the elevator doors opened and he stepped into the hall, he saw Rachel and Dr. Kessler talking outside Mrs. G.’s door.
Josh walked forward, sympathy stirring as he watched Rachel pace, her arms wrapping and unwrapping about her middle. Her normally creamy complexion had gone pasty white and the small splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose stood out in stark contrast. The agitation so obvious in her posture belied her coldness, and Josh fought the urge to enfold her in his arms. He approached, stopping a few paces away.
“You can’t rule out NDGA. There’ve been tremendous results with the use of chaparral tea in persons with cancerous tumors.”
“I’m not denying that, Dr. Maguire. But I don’t believe it will help Olivia.”
Rachel stopped her pacing and glared at Dr. Kessler. “But it could help. We have to at least try.”
“The best we can do for Olivia is make her comfortable.”
“The best we can do is make her better.”
“She’s entered the last stages. Even the chemo’s questionable at this point.”
Sharp, ugly pain gripped Rachel’s insides. It was her mother’s plight all over again. Everything they knew to do was being done, but they held little hope. Helplessness clawed its way to the surface. She wanted to cry, to find a dark place and curl into a tiny ball to escape this nightmare. She gritted her teeth and fought for composure. Mom G. needed her to be strong and she would be strong, because the alternative was breaking down in hysterics and that was unacceptable. There had to be hope. “But you’ll continue with the chemo?”
“For now.”
“Then the tea could make her more comfortable.”
A sad, patronizing smile touched Dr. Kessler’s lips. Rachel wanted to scream. The man didn’t get it. They couldn’t just give up on Mom G.
“All right, Dr. Maguire. I’ll see what we can do about getting some chaparral tea.”
The small victory did nothing to dispel the ache in Rachel’s heart. Deep down, she knew he was agreeing for her sake, not Mom G.’s. But she didn’t care if it meant Mom G. had a chance to live a little longer.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ll go check on Olivia.” Dr. Kessler retreated into Mom G.’s room.
Rachel stared at the closed door, feeling as though her universe had been knocked off-kilter. She should be the one checking on the patient, the one in control. But here, in this hospital, she was a loved one, not a doctor.
“Rachel.”
She braced herself and turned to find Josh’s expressive hazel eyes regarding her with compassion. Her arms dropped to her sides and she resisted clenching her fists. She wouldn’t let him see how scared and uncertain she felt. She didn’t need his pity.
And his comfort would ultimately only harm her.
He held out a steaming cup of coffee and she relaxed slightly.
His square, blunt fingers engulfed the disposable cup and thin white scars stood out against his tanned skin. As she took the drink she noticed her own hand, the skin pale and smooth from years of being scrubbed and encased in rubber gloves. How different their lives had become.
The brush of his fingers scorched her skin. A splash of coffee wouldn’t have been as hot. Or as painful. She steadied herself. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”
Just as she feared, his presence was comforting. Like a solid oak tree in a windstorm. Able to sway and bend but never break.
“You’re welcome.” He stuck his hand into the pocket of his casual khaki slacks and pulled out packets of sugar and cream. “I didn’t know…”
“Black,” she said, moved by his concern.
Josh returned the items to his pocket.
Rachel took a fortifying swig from the cup and savored the robust flavor, until the hot liquid hit her empty stomach with an acidic thud. She grimaced. She’d forgotten to eat again.
“That bad, huh?” Josh asked, his expression softening as he gave a small laugh.
She sucked in a quick breath and could only stare. This man standing before her may be the boy she’d loved in high school but he’d matured into an appealing man she didn’t know. A man who made her want to believe a dancing hot flame could heal as well as harm.
And she had no intention of playing with fire, no matter how fascinating the blaze.
The moment stretched to an almost unbearable ache, then abruptly Josh asked, “So, what’s chaparral tea?”
Rachel blinked, but took her cue and slipped easily into her professional demeanor. “The tea leaves come from the creosote bush, which is found in the southwestern states. The healing properties of the tea have been used by Native Americans for centuries.”
“And the ND…?”
“NDGA—nordihydroguaiaretic. It’s the proponent in the plant that seems to help in reducing cancerous mass.”
“You think this tea will help Mrs. G.?”
Her
poise slipped a notch as she stared down at her coffee. She wanted to believe it would help, but the doctor in her knew the chances at this point were slim to none, just as Dr. Kessler had said. But she refused to give up and reject anything that might help. She hated this feeling of helplessness.
She shrugged. “At this point, it’s hard to know what will help and what won’t.”
“That’s a typical doctor answer,” he said with the slightest trace of teasing in his tone.
She glanced up. “Pretty vague, huh?”
The corners of his generous mouth tipped upward and he sipped from his coffee.
“Habit, I suppose. As a doctor, you try not to give false hope or bad news before you’re absolutely sure.”
“Rules of the trade,” he remarked dryly.
“I suppose.”
They lapsed into silence again. Rachel drank from her cup and watched Josh. She tried to view him objectively. Adulthood had etched lines around his eyes, and the outdoors had weathered his skin to a burnished sheen. His broad shoulders looked as though they could carry heavy burdens. Sometimes she wished she had someone to share her load with, but her life didn’t have room for sharing.
“So, Rachel—” Josh broke the silence “—I hear you recently got a promotion.”
She met his gaze, expecting to be assaulted by the disdain she’d seen earlier, but his expression was curiously friendly, as if he’d just asked if she liked rainbows and sunshine instead of probing at an old wound. A wound inflicted by the choice she’d had to make.
Josh had offered her a different path, one so inviting that she’d begun to doubt God’s plan for her life. But, no matter how tempting, it would have been selfish of her to choose Josh over what she knew to be her purpose. No matter how much it hurt.
Chapter Two
“Yes. Yes, I did,” Rachel replied, proud that her voice didn’t betray her feelings.
“Good for you.”
Uncomfortable with the thought that he’d discussed her with Mom G., she wondered what else he knew about her. He certainly didn’t know what was between her and God. No one knew how emotionally crippled she was because of the way her mother had died. If anyone found out then she would be perceived as weak. And if she were viewed as weak then she wouldn’t be able to achieve her goal of making sure her mother hadn’t died in vain. No one would take her seriously. “I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am.”
“The fast track to success,” he stated, his voice devoid of inflection and his eyes now remote.
She narrowed her gaze. “I’m on the fast track. This recent promotion will be one of many. But it’s not about success. It’s about changing the way things are done so no one else needlessly dies. My ultimate goal is to be chief of staff in a prestigious hospital where I can further the research in new and innovative triage techniques.”
“That’s certainly ambitious.”
“That’s the only way things get done.”
He shrugged. “Is being a doctor everything you thought it would be?”
Irritation flared at his casually asked question. She’d had to make a tough choice all those years ago. He’d forced her to make the choice. It was all or nothing with him. “Yes, I love being a doctor.”
He nodded, but made no comment. He shouldn’t be so calm and collected, not when her world was spinning out of her control. She wanted to shake a few leaves off his tree.
“It’s who I am.” She couldn’t help the defensiveness in her voice.
A tawny brow arched. “Must be very fulfilling.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Anger stirred in his eyes. “Nothing.” A leaf fell.
Something inside Rachel made her want to pick a fight. Anything to distract herself from what lay ahead with Mom G. “You obviously meant something by that remark, Josh. If you’ve something to say to me, then say it.”
“You’ve changed,” he stated matter-of-factly, his gaze assessing.
She almost smiled. Almost. The woman she’d become was very different from the young girl who’d left. “What? I’m not mousy like you remember?”
“You were never mousy.”
She chose to ignore the compliment in his tone. “My job’s very satisfying. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing.” The tension visible in his jaw claimed he was far from the ambivalence suggested in his tone. “But it doesn’t leave much room for anything else, does it?”
“I’ve never wanted anything else.” She narrowed her gaze. “Why are you still so angry?”
“I’m not angry.” His denial rang false. Leaves fell all over the place.
“Yes, you are.” She put voice to the suspicion she’d always had. “You’re angry not because I became a doctor, but because you didn’t get what you wanted.”
He looked her square in the eye, his expression derisive and taut. “You’re right, Rachel. I didn’t get what I wanted. I wanted you.”
“You didn’t want me,” she scoffed. “You wanted a wife.”
“I wanted you to be my wife.”
“No, Josh. You wanted a cookie-cutter wife. Someone you could put in a box and mold to your specifications. And it didn’t take you six months after I left to find one, did it?” Her own anger and pain reared up, making her chest ache. “That only proves how deep your undying love went, doesn’t it?”
He drew back. Hurt—desolate and unmistakable—darkened his hazel eyes. “I did love you, Rachel.”
He sounded sincere. But then, he’d always sounded sincere. “Oh, save it, Josh. I’m not buying it this time.”
“What did you expect? You left and made it very clear you weren’t coming back.” The sarcasm in his tone dug at her heart.
“But I hadn’t given up hope that we’d work things out once I finished school.” Hurt-filled tears burned behind her eyes, making her more angry that she was losing her control. Shaking her head, she admitted, “I lay in my dorm room every night and agonized over my decision. Was being a doctor worth the risk of losing you?” She gave a bitter laugh. “But I never really had you.”
Josh opened his mouth, but no words came. His perplexed expression galvanized her into adding, “You never once checked on me. No phone call. No letters. Nothing.”
He shook his head. “I was hurt and angry, Rachel. You chose your dream of being a doctor over my love. I certainly didn’t think you wanted to hear from me.” His tone seethed with anger and resignation.
“No, you were too busy planning your wedding.” Thinking about the blonde who’d been after him all through high school made her insides twist with…jealousy? No, never. “And how’s dear Andrea?”
A spasm of pain, or perhaps guilt, crossed his features. “Andrea’s dead.” He stepped around her and walked toward the elevators.
Shock doused her anger like a swollen rain cloud emptying itself. “Oh, no.” Sympathy and regret tore through her, and she hurried after him. “Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
He jabbed his finger on the elevator call button. “Not your problem.”
She reached out, wishing she could retract her words. Josh reared away as if she were contaminated. Stung, she let her hand drop to her side. Feeling small and petty, she said softly, “I’m truly sorry.”
The elevator doors opened and he stepped in. He turned and stared at her, his eyes cold with fury and his face a hard mask of stone. An oak tree never looked so intimidating.
“Josh, please,” she implored, wanting somehow to make amends.
He looked away and the elevator doors slid shut in her face, leaving her alone.
Should she go after him?
Rachel took a deep, shuddering breath. Her unruly tongue had caused enough damage for one day. Leaving Josh alone and staying as far away from him as possible while she was in town was the best thing she could do for him…and herself.
Andrea was dead.
Compassion filled her heart to overwhelming proportions. She ached for what Josh had lost. His w
ife, his helpmate, his dream.
How long ago had Andrea died? How did she die? Did they have children? Goose bumps of remorse tightened Rachel’s skin.
Years ago, she’d made it clear to Mom G. the subject of Josh and his bride was off-limits. She hadn’t wanted her assumptions of his picture-perfect life confirmed. How arrogant she’d been.
The resentment she’d used to close off the pain of Josh’s marriage deteriorated, exposing her to fresh wounds.
Slowly she walked back down the hall, rubbing away the goose bumps from her arm.
How had Josh taken the news of Andrea’s death? Had he been with her at the end? Or had he been at work and received a call? How had the doctor told him? With compassion? Coldness? Understanding? Detachment?
The questions plagued her mind. And she welcomed them as she stopped in front of Mom G.’s door. As painful as it was, thinking about Josh kept her from worrying about Mom G.
Rachel leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
Lord, why does life have to hurt so badly?
She hoped, when all was said and done, she’d have enough mortar left in her to repair the crumbling wall around her heart.
“Dr. Maguire?”
Rachel’s eyelids jerked open. She pushed away from the wall. “Dr. Kessler?”
He smiled kindly, his big gray eyes peering at her through his glasses. “Olivia’s asking for you.”
Relief surged in her chest. “How—how is she?”
“Holding her own for the moment.”
Relief gave way to a dull ache at the words meant to give comfort but not false hope. She nodded her thanks and stepped into the room. Her footsteps faltered slightly as she approached the bed.
A nurse hovered over Mom G. For a panicked moment Rachel feared something was wrong, that she wouldn’t have a chance to tell Mom G. how much she loved her, how much she appreciated her.
The nurse straightened and moved away, a reassuring smile on her face. Rachel resumed walking, her heart rate slowing to normal. As she reached the bedside, Mom G.’s eyes opened and she smiled. “I’m so happy to see you.”