Ben grunted. “Sure feel like one sometimes.”
“You’re out here with me in the middle of the woods in the pitch dark chasing a killer.”
“It’s not… Not that kind of coward. More about my life. My choices. I could transfer to another park and have far more opportunities. Opportunities I deserve after all these years and training.”
“Why don’t you?”
“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Instead I live up in my dad’s old cabin alone. I stay at a job where my ex is my boss and he and his movie star husband parade their new baby in front of me. And why? What do I think is going to change? I wouldn’t even want Brad back. But I’m still here because I’m afraid to leave. Montana is all I’ve ever known. I’ve barely even been out of the state except for driving up into Alberta over the Road to the Sun.”
“It’s beautiful here.”
“It is. But I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time.” As the words came out, Ben realized they were absolutely true. “I need to shift out of neutral. What am I afraid of?”
“I wish I could tell you. I’m afraid of everything.” Jason shifted with a little sucked-in breath.
“You okay?”
“Leg’s cramping. Need to turn over.”
Ben pulled back his arm as Jason squirmed around under the blanket, his breath gusting over Ben’s face as he settled facing him. Ben wanted to reach out again and touch, but he tucked his hands under his cheek. There didn’t seem to be any danger of Jason running off half-cocked and irrational, so there was no excuse to hold him close now.
He wished he could see his face, but the darkness was complete. “Jason, you’re one of the bravest men I’ve ever met. Hell, you’ve got to be brave to even think about raising a kid alone. At any age, let alone as a teenager.”
“I wasn’t brave. I was terrified.” He was silent for a long few moments, breathing softly. “Sometimes I can’t really remember what she looked like. Amy, I mean. Maggie’s mother. Like, I have pictures and stuff, but in my head, she’s all…faded.”
“I’m sorry.” Ben was dying to know more, but bit his tongue.
“We were best friends since middle school. She got a scholarship to my prep school, and she was on the swim team too. We did everything together.”
After a few moments of silence, Ben prompted him. “Including…”
Jason exhaled noisily. “I should have said no. But I was curious. Amy wanted to lose her virginity with someone she trusted, and she decided there was no one more qualified than me in the trust department. Even though I’d never had a girlfriend aside from Regina Potter in the second grade. Anyway. We used a condom, but I’m not sure I put it on right, or maybe it broke. I don’t know what went wrong. It was all so weird and awkward and over almost before it started. Of course she got pregnant.”
“That must have been a shock. What did your folks say?”
“To say I disappointed them would be an epic understatement. First, they wanted Amy to go away to have the baby and give it up so no one would find out. Offered to pay her as much as she wanted.”
“Wow.”
“Amy’s parents wouldn’t dream of it. Not that they were happy about the situation, but they accepted it, at least. They let me come over and be a part of everything. My parents barely even saw Maggie after she was born. They were so ashamed of me. They wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened.”
“I’m so sorry.” He itched to slide his arm over Jason’s shoulders, but kept his hands pinned under his cheek. He shouldn’t ask, but had to know. “What happened to Amy?”
“It was an accident. I went over to their house to be with Maggie for a few hours so Amy and her parents could go out for dinner. Her dad’s birthday. They got hit by a train at a level crossing. The police weren’t sure if the signal was faulty, or if Mr. Summers just didn’t see it somehow. Didn’t matter. Either way, they were dead. Amy lived for a few days, but she never woke up again.”
“God. That’s awful.” Saying he was sorry again seemed woefully inadequate.
“Maggie was only six months old.”
“I can’t even imagine what that was like. Before, you said your parents tried to take Maggie away from you?”
Jason’s voice was scraped raw. “First they did everything they could to convince me to give her up. Finally they decided it would be best if they raised her. They wanted to pretend Maggie was theirs, even though all their country club friends would know the truth. I’d just be her brother off at college. A stranger.”
“Must have been tempting though?” He added, “Because you were so young. I don’t mean…”
“I know. Yeah. For a minute, I guess. It would be a do-over. I’d get to be a kid again. But there was no way. Maggie was my daughter and I couldn’t pretend she wasn’t. I was all she had. I couldn’t leave her. To only see her at Christmas and in the summers, and give all the control to my parents? They said they wanted to raise her properly since I couldn’t. I was too young. I have a younger brother, and they said it would be perfect for him to have a sister.”
“And what about for you?”
“I was the failure. I didn’t seem to matter anymore. I refused, and thank God I turned eighteen so there was nothing they could do. I left and took Maggie. They hired a lawyer and tried to get custody. Said I wasn’t fit to be a father.”
“Jesus.”
“Ah, but it was for my own good, and Maggie’s.” Jason huffed, a puff of warmth on Ben’s skin.
“Did Amy have any other family to help?”
“She had an aunt and cousins who helped out a little at first, but you know how it is… People have their own lives. They meant well, but they were busy. They send Christmas cards and we’re friends on Facebook, but that’s about it. In the end, it’s always been just me and Maggie.”
“What did you do for money?”
“Got the job at the cookie factory. It’s not exciting, but it pays well enough and there’s a union. A daycare down the block at the YMCA. I basically worked just to pay the fees. We lived in a tiny studio apartment the first few years, but it was worth it.”
“How did you know what to do? To take care of a baby, I mean.”
“Googled a lot. Read parenting books from the library. Winged it and prayed I wouldn’t break her.”
Ben smiled in the darkness. “I imagine that’s what most people do. Did it go to court with your parents?”
“Briefly. Judge sided with me, and that was it. I haven’t seen them since.”
Ben wanted to say good riddance, but instead said, “Most people would have given in. I admire you so much.”
Jason snorted. “Me? I’m nothing special.”
“You realize how hard it is to raise kids? Or so I’m told. I always thought I’d have some, but I guess it’s not in the cards.”
Jason’s fingers wrapped around Ben’s forearm, squeezing and sparking a shiver in him even through his jacket. “You’d be an amazing father. You’re so good with Maggie. She really likes you.” He inhaled sharply, grip tightening. “God, I can’t…”
“We’ll find her. I promise.” Ben knew it wasn’t a vow he should make, but he wanted to believe it was true with all his heart.
Faint light fought through the thick foliage as Ben stirred. He’d dozed maybe an hour, and Jason had finally settled, exhaustion winning. Carefully pushing himself up to sitting, he could just make out Jason’s face, slack and even younger-looking in sleep, his lips parted and sandy waves sticking up every which way.
Before he could even think, Ben reached out to smooth down Jason’s hair, snatching back his hand just in time. He didn’t have the right.
He crept away to piss against a tree and wash his face in the stream, bracing against the splash of freezing water. At least his face felt normal now, and the hives had faded. He popped a few more antihistamines to be on the safe side and splashed his face again. Despite shuddering in the early cold, a flush heated Ben’s skin as memories barged
through his mind.
He should never have returned Jason’s frantic kiss. The man was at the end of his rope, utterly desperate. But along with desire—and he couldn’t deny that it still stirred in him now, his groin tightening as he imagined kissing Jason again—the urge to protect and comfort tugged sharply.
With Brad, naturally they’d had moments of comforting each other over the years, but Ben had never felt such a powerful urge to shelter and care for someone. Of course he and Brad had never experienced such a trauma. Maybe Jason’s age played a role as well. He was a grown man, but he carried an innocence that went beyond his baby face.
The night before, Ben had been desperate to take Jason in his arms, if only to hold him close. But kissing him back had nearly sent Jason running into the darkness.
Not that Ben blamed him, especially after the stuttering revelation that Jason had never kissed another man before. At least that’s what Ben had gathered from the halting admission. Jason had been forced to grow up so quickly to be a father, and Ben wondered just how much he’d missed out on.
The emergency blankets rustled, and Ben braced himself to face Jason in the murky dawn half-light, fog hanging low over the trees and thick moisture in the air. Jason rubbed his face blearily before focusing. Their eyes locked for a moment before Jason hurried to the bushes, head down. Ben folded the blankets and packed up the rest of their gear, shouldering the rifle.
When Jason returned, Ben held out a protein bar. “Eat this.”
He shook his head with a grimace. “Not hungry.”
“You need to eat.”
“Can we just go?”
Ben still held the bar out. “We can, but you need to eat this first.”
“Fine.” Jason snatched it, unwrapping it and gnawing off a piece.
After examining their surroundings through the binoculars, Ben called in on the radio for news. The FBI were setting up a command post at the southern ranger station, and helicopters would go up as soon as the fog cleared.
The bad news was that the forecast called for cool temperatures and more rain, and the fog might not lift, making a search from above useless. Tracking dogs were en route, but everything took time in rural Montana. There was nothing else to do but keep going, and they scanned the ground and bushes carefully for footprints and clues from Maggie, heading steadily west.
Going downhill was hard on the knees, and as they neared the valley floor in a steady rainfall midday, Ben’s muscles protested from the marathon hike the day before and cold night on the ground. He could only imagine how Jason felt. Jason had probably never hiked more than several miles at a time in his life.
Stopping to gulp water, Ben assessed Jason’s condition. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes, hair plastered to his forehead. He clutched the last piece of red fabric they’d found a mile back in his fist like a talisman.
Then Ben peered into the distance. His heart skipped. Red. Red!
“Ben?”
He wore the binoculars around his neck and yanked them up. “Come on, come on…”
“Do you see something?” Jason stood beside him, vibrating with sudden energy.
“I think I saw her.”
“What?” Jason clutched Ben’s arm.
“It was just for a second. I might have imagined it.” He held his breath as he scanned the endless green of the forest, fog obscuring the treetops. There! Red poncho and a flash of golden hair. “I see her. It has to be her.”
He was about to pass the binoculars over, but Jason was already off and running. Heart in his throat, Ben raced after him, the rifle ready in his hands.
I want to go home.
It was the only thing Maggie could think about as she plodded along behind the man, her dad’s backpack digging into her shoulders. The man made her carry it when they moved, then snatched it away as soon as they stopped. It had barely been light out when he’d made her eat and drink and ordered her to walk. He was angrier with her as time went on, yelling at her to go faster.
Her lungs rattled when she coughed, and all she wanted more than anything was to be home and warm again. Making sure the man wasn’t looking, she ripped off another strip from beneath her poncho, hooking it onto a bush and praying her dad would find it.
Tears streaked down her face as she thought of him, and she cried out when she stumbled over a fallen branch.
“Get up. You’re slowing me down on purpose—don’t think I don’t know your little game,” the man snarled.
“I’m trying. My legs hurt. I have a big blister. Please, I just want to go home.”
He yanked her up by the arm, her shoulder screaming. “You can go home after I’m a long ways away. You’re my little insurance policy. No telling when the cops might find us, and I need to get—”
“Where?”
“Never you mind. Move!”
Teeth chattering, Maggie concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, and when the man piggybacked her again, she didn’t mind as much. Her stomach growled, and she was so cold.
Then she heard a strange humming noise in the distance. The man began to whistle, jogging now. Maggie hoped that wherever they were going, they were almost there. She couldn’t go much farther.
Daddy, where are you?
The humming grew louder, and she realized it was one of the white-water rivers that ran off the glacier. As it came into sight beyond the trees, the man whooped with joy. “There she is!”
At first Maggie couldn’t see anything but green and the swirling water beyond. Then she realized that hidden in the foliage was an old wooden lean-to like the ones the Native Americans built.
“Old man Gilderoy uses this place for hunting. No one even knows it’s here.”
“But you’re not allowed to hunt in the park.”
The man laughed, his yellow teeth bared. “What they don’t know don’t hurt ’em.”
He disappeared around the other side of the lean-to and returned dragging a small inflatable raft. “My buddy Dwayne comes out here to ride the rapids sometimes, and sure enough we’re in luck.” His ugly face creased. “Poor ol’ Dwayne won’t be needing this boat no more.”
Maggie couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Why not?”
He spat on the ground. “Because he won’t. Because he made me do something I really didn’t want to do, but a man has to protect his honor. Now stop asking fucking questions. And give me that.” He flicked his fingers, demanding the backpack.
She was more than happy to slide it off her sore shoulders, flinching when he snatched it away. Rummaging through it, he swore loudly.
“Why didn’t your dumb daddy pack more food?”
Maggie bit back a smart aleck answer and meekly replied, “We were only hiking for the day. You already have a lot, don’t you?” She was surprised to see how much he’d squeezed into his pack.
“Never too much food,” he muttered as he turned the knapsack upside-down. The only things left were a whistle, first aid kit, and her dad’s pencils and sketchbook, which the man pawed at with a sneer, opening it and tearing at pages.
“Carries this crap around but not more food.” He spat on the ground. “Namby-pamby waste of time.”
“It’s not crap! You’re stupid! My dad’s a great artist.” Maggie sucked in a breath as the man jerked his head up.
“What’d you say to me?”
Inching away, she shook her head, lowering her gaze as she mumbled, “Nothing.”
“Great artist,” he muttered, tearing at the pages and scattering them over the dirt.
Maggie blinked rapidly, eyes burning as she tried so hard not to cry. She wanted to pick up all the pages and fold them safely into her pockets, but didn’t move a muscle.
Now the man muttered to himself as if she wasn’t there. “Won’t be watching the river. Won’t know I’ve got a boat.”
Her throat hurt, but she had to ask, “Then you’ll let me go soon, right?” She knew it might make him mad, but needed to hear him say it.
/> The man gazed at her steadily and smiled with his crooked teeth. “Course I will. Don’t you worry about a thing.”
Liar.
The fear that had been her constant companion since he’d torn her away from her daddy made it hard for Maggie to breathe. Her heart pounded over the rush of water. He was lying. He was never going to let her go.
She needed to get away. But she couldn’t run faster than him. She might be able to hide, but what if he found her?
It would be really bad.
The man opened the lid of a wooden crate sitting under the lean-to. He pulled out a weird rubber thing with a hose and started pumping air into the raft with his foot. As he worked, Maggie noticed the bright orange strap now hanging out of the box.
A life jacket.
Slowly, she walked over to the box and looked inside. There it was—an old, dirty life jacket that probably hadn’t been worn in years. It was too big for her, but it was better than nothing.
Maggie tried to think. Okay, running wouldn’t work—the bad man would catch her. If she rafted down the river with him, he was probably going to kill her when he decided he didn’t need her anymore. Or maybe he’d just kill her now if she made him too mad.
Reaching into the bin, Maggie pulled out the life jacket, her heart beating so hard she was sure he could hear it. She put it on over her poncho and tightened the buckle as far as it would go with trembling hands. She was pretty sure it would stay on.
“What’re you up to?”
She turned to face the man, who was still pumping away with his foot. “I’m afraid of the water.”
He only grunted. She slowly walked sideways toward the water’s edge, only moving a bit at a time so he didn’t notice. The bank was about ten feet above the whirling river, and it looked so far. The water was going so fast, and she knew it would be freezing cold.
She took one last look over her shoulder. A knife hung on the bad man’s belt, and as he pumped, he fiddled with it. Maggie thought of how the metal of the gun had felt pressing into her head.
Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance Page 9