“I am so sorry you’ve suffered so much.”
“Not always. I want you to know that I did not deceive your father. When he asked for my hand in marriage, I told him the truth about everything. I was sure he would say he did not want to marry me. When he said it did not matter, I still refused, convinced he would change once we were married. He remained constant and true, asking me time and again to be his wife. So much so that what was a fondness for him changed to deep and abiding love. He never betrayed that love by treating me cruelly after we married. I can honestly say that the few years I spent with your father were amongst the happiest of my life.”
“I am glad. Papa loved you as you deserve to be loved. No one should have to suffer for one mistake.”
“Sadly it is not only I who will suffer if anyone ever finds out. Now you can perhaps understand why Mr. Benedict’s reappearance in my life was not a good thing. If the truth ever came out, Blanche might be ruined. All her hopes and dreams of being a duchess shattered.”
“How would anyone ever find out?”
“I do not know, Calista. But even Lady Bedlington knows that Harry and I were childhood sweethearts, and I am sure others are also better at arithmetic than I was. And now you know.”
“I would never betray you.”
“No, I know that, dearest. That is why I knew I could tell you. Please promise me that this has not changed the way you feel about me.”
“Not at all. I am only sorry that your life was so sad until you met Papa. Does Mr. Benedict know?”
“No!” Evelyn looked startled. “No, and he must never know.”
“Has he given any explanation as to why he did not write to you? Because I have seen the way he looks at you, and he clearly has a high regard for you.”
“We managed to speak about it only this morning. I made a joke of it, telling him that his letter writing skills were not very good. He says that he wrote many times and that he was heartbroken when he heard that I married another. The funny thing is, I believe him. I now think that my father hid the letters, as he had found what he thought was a better match.”
“I really do not see why you cannot be together,” said Calista. “If you love each other.”
“I have been lucky enough to know happiness twice in my life, Calista. Once with Harry when I was very young, and once with your father. I do not deceive myself that at my age I can find such happiness again. Perhaps now I am truly being punished for my youthful behaviour.”
“Do not say that, Evelyn. Why only the other day you and I were saying that we should both find happiness again. Have you forgotten already?”
“No, I have not forgotten, but that certainty has been replaced by a fear of something bad happening.”
“Lady Bedlington said much the same thing. Now I feel it. A darkness descending over us.” So dark in fact, that for a moment Calista thought she sensed it lurking just beyond the bedroom door, waiting to creep in. She shook her head to eradicate the gloom. “And we are all being silly. It has been a long, stressful day and we are all tired. Tomorrow will bring a better day and happier feelings. I know it.”
“I hope so.” Evelyn smiled sadly.
Calista went to her own room and started to undress. She had told the maid to go to bed, feeling guilty about keeping the poor girl up so late. For the first time since she had met her step-sister, she started thinking of her as ‘poor Blanche’. No child should have to live with the stigma of being illegitimate, especially in such a hypocritical society. Calista knew of girls from their town who had to go away, returning many months later looking older and sadder. Some had been sent away from their parents’ homes permanently.
A few months earlier, she admitted to herself, she might have been shocked at Evelyn’s youthful behaviour, although she hoped she would always be sympathetic. Now, because she loved the colonel, she understood how Evelyn must have felt about Mr. Benedict. The colonel only had to touch her hand, and through her glove at that, for her to long for his touch to linger and to turn into something more passionate. At night she had fevered dreams about him, from which she awoke excited, but also blushing furiously.
She could easily understand how such feelings and emotions could overwhelm a woman so that she forgot to behave properly and just gave into the desire. Evelyn and Mr. Benedict should have been allowed to marry. Then there would be no secret shame. It was reprehensible of her father to have prevented it by withholding the letters, and reprehensible for Mr. Kirkham to treat Evelyn so badly because of it. Calista had no doubt that there had been other women for Mr. Kirkham before he married. Young men were expected to know all about women. Sadly double standards ruled the day.
On the other hand, Calista thought more charitably, if Mr. Kirkham loved Evelyn then it must have been hurtful to him to learn that she had not only given her heart, but also her body, to another man. She could still not believe that justified him treating her so cruelly over the years. There was such a thing as forgiveness.
She wondered if Blanche really would be ruined by such a revelation and conceded that she might well be. Perhaps it would not have been before their visit to Almacks. Her behaviour with Purbeck at the ball had already shown her in a bad light. The truth of her birth might at the very least be one more strike against her in the society to which she so desperately aspired. It would also ruin Evelyn, and that was something that Calista did not want to see happen.
“Life is not fair,” she said out loud as she climbed into bed. “People are not fair.” She sent up a silent prayer that Evelyn would be safe from censure and that one day she might be able to marry Mr. Benedict.
Then, as happened so many times last thing at night, Calista’s thoughts turned to the colonel. She began to wonder why Lady Bedlington thought he might be in danger. He was a man who was more than capable of taking care of himself, of that Calista had no doubt. She wondered where he had gone when he left Almacks. He had not returned to Lady Bedlington’s as far as she knew.
Instead of going to sleep as she intended, she went to the window and curled up in the window seat, looking out in the hopes of seeing him return. With her head rested on the cool window pane, she began to doze.
It was much later still when she became vaguely aware of being carried in strong arms to her bed, and then covered with a blanket. She was sure she dreamed it all, including the gentle kiss on her lips that followed. She awoke the next morning and found that she was indeed in bed, with no memory of having got into it herself.
At breakfast, with they took in their sitting room, Blanche was surprisingly cheerful, and even more surprisingly, attentive to her mother. “Let me pour your tea, Mama, dearest,” she said, picking up the teapot. “Would you like some honey for your bread? No, I shall spread it for you. There.”
“Thank you, dear,” said Evelyn. Whilst Calista was immediately suspicious about Blanche’s sudden ministrations, Evelyn seemed relieved. “You are in good spirits this morning.”
“Love has softened me, mama. I understand now how you felt about Mr. Haywood, and I wish to apologise for my unkindness. To you too, Calista. I had no idea that love could be so overwhelming, so all-encompassing. Why, I could become a poet!”
“I’m glad you’re happy,” said Calista, hiding her own reservations. “Are we to assume Mr. Purbeck is the lucky man?”
“Why of course? Who else?”
“You danced with a lot of handsome men at the ball last night. Anyone of them might have won your heart.”
“You do say nice things, Calista. However, despite my popularity at the ball, it is indeed Mr. Purbeck who has my heart. Our shared troubles have brought us closer together. And you need not worry. I have written to him this morning, censuring him for his hot-headed behaviour with the colonel and demanding that he apologise.”
“So are all your thoughts of revenge gone?” asked Calista.
Blanche laughed heartily at that. “I was embarrassed and ashamed last night, so do not know what silly things I may have
uttered in the heat of the moment. As if I could have any bearing on Lady Bedlington’s standing in society. No, I have had time to think and reflect and I realize that, as she so wisely said, she was paying me a kindness in being blunt with me. The truth does hurt, I admit that, but I hope it has done me some good too.”
“I am glad to hear it,” said Evelyn. “I know you are a good girl at heart, Blanche, and today you have proved it. Has she not, Calista?”
“Yes. Oh yes, certainly.” Calista was anything but certain. Blanche was never kind or nice to anyone, and in many ways Calista preferred that as she knew what she was dealing with. This new Blanche was a mystery, and as such rather frightening. “Could you pass the honey, please, Blanche?”
Normally Blanche would tell Calista to get her own honey. “Of course…” As Blanche lifted up the pot it slipped from her hand, crashing to the floor and spilling the contents. “Oh, what a fool I am. Calista, be a dear and call the maid will you? We need more honey. Come on, Mama, eat up or we shall never be ready to go out walking.”
“Now there’s the Blanche we know and love,” said Evelyn, with a smile.
“Mama, you are such a tease.”
Calista was not smiling. Despite Blanche’s apparent volte face, she was still gripped by a sense of unease. She had no doubt at all that her step-sister had meant every word she said the night before about bringing Lady Bedlington down. She had spoken with cold, calculating anger, not a sudden rush of fury because she felt embarrassed and ashamed. It could only be assumed, by Calista at least, even if Evelyn was fooled, that Blanche had a new game plan.
There was not much chance to speak to Evelyn alone. The maid arrived to clean up the mess and take away the breakfast things. Then Blanche was eager to go. “I have ordered a new ball gown, mama,” she said. “I am told it will be ready this morning.”
“Blanche, I told you we could not afford anything else. Is this why you are being nice to me?”
“Mama, you hurt me with your distrust. I told you, I have learned my lesson. Would not a new dress show that you forgive me?”
“We shall have to see, Blanche. It depends how much it costs. Also, it is not fair that you should have one when Calista does not.”
Before anyone could answer, there was a knock on the door. It was the colonel.
“Good morning. I hope I am not intruding.”
“Not at all, Colonel,” said Evelyn. “We were just about to go out walking.”
“I am here to bring extend an invitation. The king is holding a ball at St. James’ Palace soon and …”
“Oh, mama,” Blanche said, clapping her hands together. “I told you that I would need a new ball gown.”
“Forgive me for misleading you, Miss Kirkham. The invitation is for myself, my aunt and one guest. I had hoped that Miss Haywood would join us.”
“Oh.” Calista put her hands to her face. “I do not think I could possibly go without Blanche and Evelyn.”
“And you, Miss Kirkham,” said the colonel pointedly, “would you have such scruples if the invitation included you?”
“Of course,” said Blanche, coldly. “And I agree dear Calista must go. Hopefully there will be no one there who saw her dress last night.” Blanche swept from the room, closely followed by Evelyn.
“Then it is settled,” said the Colonel. “You will come with us.”
“I am not sure,” said Calista. She could not help feeling that the colonel had deliberately worded the invitation to allow Blanche to think she was included. Had he merely done so to get back at her step-sister for the trouble she had caused him the night before?
Chapter Seven
“The King does not normally like having his invitations refused.”
“I am sure that as the king only said you could bring a guest, he would have no idea I have refused the invitation.”
“And what about me? I know you have refused.”
“I do not know,” said Calista frowning. She wanted to ask him, but did not want to seem ungrateful for the invitation. “I do not wish to cause offence, but …”
“You do not want to go with me?”
“That is not it, colonel. I suppose I just feel guilty about Blanche. She has longed to meet the King.”
“And no doubt would encourage young Purbeck to challenge him to a duel if she thinks the king does not like her.”
Calista could not help smiling at that. She doubted even the foolish Purbeck would dare do such a thing.
“Please say you will come, Calista.” His voice was gentle and seductive. “My great aunt is very eager to present you to the King.”
How could Calista explain to him that seeing the King did not really matter? Only the chance to spend another evening in the colonel’s company excited her. If only she did not have so many doubts as to why he had asked her. If only she had the courage to ask him, but she feared causing offence if she were wrong. It was not the sort of thing one blurted out when such a kind invitation had been given. Added to which, she was confused because of her feelings for him. She did not trust her own responses if he replied that, yes, he had only done it to teach Blanche a lesson. She might break down in tears in front of him, and then he would no doubt despise her.
“I’m waiting for your answer,” he said.
“Thank you for your kind invitation. I would like to meet the King.” Let him think that was her only interest in the evening. That way she would not be laying herself open to him.
His eyes narrowed slightly. “Good. Then it is settled. I have to spend the day at my house, working on the plans with Mr. Benedict. I will see you at dinner tonight, perhaps.” He bowed and went towards the door, then turned back. “If I have said something to offend you, Calista, then I am sorry. Or perhaps it was because of last night?”
“Last night?”
“With my father calling me nouveau riche. No doubt it made you think differently about me.”
“No. Not at all. I do not see why it even matters.”
“It does in Almacks. And in most of what we call society.”
“Is that why you left?”
“No, I left because Lady DeVilliers asked me to, to help defuse the situation. One thing I learned in the army is that sometimes one has to know when to retreat and when to advance.”
“It was not fair that you should have to leave and Purbeck did not.”
“He’s a hot headed child. Such behaviour in him is more forgivable than it would have been in a man of my age. Though he is now on borrowed time. He will not survive many more such outbursts.”
“That is what your great aunt said to Blanche.”
“She is right. Already people are talking about it, and her name is connected. They were even talking about it when I went to St James Palace last night.”
“Is that where you went? After you left Almacks?”
“Yes. That was when the King invited me to the ball. Why?”
“Oh. No reason. I just …” Calista could not admit to him that she had sat at the window for ages waiting for him to return. “I just wondered, that’s all.”
The colonel smiled. “I see. Were you worried about me, Calista?”
“I hardly think you need anyone to worry about you, colonel.”
“Everyone needs at least one person in their life who waits at the window for them.”
Blushing furiously, Calista stared after him wide-eyed as he took his leave.
Calista, Evelyn and Blanche had their coats on and were about to leave for their walk, when they were summoned by Lady Bedlington. Unusually for such an early hour, Her Ladyship was up and dressed.
“I am glad I caught you,” she said. “Evelyn, I wish to make a gift to you and the two young ladies.”
“Your hospitality is enough,” said Evelyn.
“That is very kind. But I still wish to make a gift and I shall be offended if you refuse. What I thought was that I would buy you all a brand new ball.”
“Lady Bedlington, really… That is a very k
ind offer. Only it seems rather a lot…”
“As I said, Evelyn, I shall be offended if you refuse. After last night’s unpleasantness, I wish to do something to show that we are all friends again.”
“It is most generous,” said Blanche, her eyes shining.
“Thank you,” said Calista, wondering what had brought about Lady Bedlington’s sudden rush of generosity. Then again she had already been generous in giving them a roof over their heads for the season and making sure they met the right people.
“What I suggest,” Lady Bedlington continued, “is that you, Evelyn, and Miss Kirkham go on ahead to the shops and order your dresses. Tell the dressmakers to add the bill to my account. If Miss Haywood will be kind enough wait for me, she can accompany me in my carriage.”
Whilst it seemed a strange request, Evelyn and Blanche agreed, leaving soon after.
“That was very clever of me, do you not think, Calista?” said Lady Bedlington.
“I am not sure what you mean.”
“I mean that I wished to buy you a new dress for the ball at St. James Palace but I did not want to put Blanche’s nose out of joint as, I gather, my great nephew did earlier.”
Calista did not feel comfortable enough with Lady Bedlington to ask if she thought the colonel was merely trying to get back at Blanche. “You really do not have to buy me a dress. Unless… well unless you think the one I have will not be good enough for St. James Palace.”
“It is a perfectly suitable and charming dress. However Brook mentioned that it seemed unfair to him that Blanche was to have a new gown and you were not, so I said I would buy you one. And it seemed to me that things would be much worse for you if I left Blanche out. Now, let us go and purchase your gown. Then we will dine out for luncheon.”
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