She could not escape the cold hard reality of his so-called proposal. He had done it out of gallantry, because he knew she was afraid of being married off to the Earl. In doing so, he had betrothed himself to a woman he did not love and whom just that afternoon he had been thinking of as mistress material. A woman he could use up and throw aside when he grew bored with her.
She must speak to him and make him see sense, but it was hard to do so in front of Lady Bedlington. Surely if they both agreed the marriage could not take place, then there would be no legal implications for either of them. She could then go back to the country, away from the likes of the Earl of Garton.
They reached Lady Bedlington’s town house and Calista made to go straight upstairs to bed. “Calista, may I speak to you alone for a moment?” asked the colonel. “In the study?”
“You may speak to her for a few minutes and leave the study door open,” said Lady Bedlington. “I shall be listening for Calista coming up the stairs.”
Despite her earlier wish, Calista found that she would prefer not to speak to him at that moment. Not when her emotions were so raw. But she did not feel she could refuse, so she followed him meekly into the study.
“I am sorry that the proposal was not everything that you wished for,” he said when they were alone. She put her hands to her face, to stem the blush that rose there. How could he know what she wished for?
“With all due respect, colonel, it was not a proposal at all.”
“Yes, I realize that, and that it put you on the spot. I am still sorry it was not everything you wished for. No doubt you would have preferred to be in a pretty garden and for me to make love to you properly.”
“I…” A garden had played a part in one of her fantasies. “I do not want you to feel trapped, so if there is any way that we could …”
“No. I intend to marry you, Calista. So I suppose it is something we both need to get used to. This may not be the way either of us intended things to be, but one day perhaps you will come to think of our impending marriage with happiness. I am sorry it does not make you feel that way now.”
He spoke with such cold formality that Calista knew he would never say all the things she wanted him to say. Even a declaration of fondness would be better than the polite terms in which he expressed his wish that they both be happy with the arrangement. He had practically admitted that the marriage was not what he intended. His idea seemed to be that one day they would tolerate the idea. She did not want to be married to a man who only put up with her because he had nothing better to do.
“I do not understand how you can want to marry me,” she said. “You have never said anything to make me think you see me as a suitable wife. You have never kissed me … you…” She wanted to add ‘you have never told me you love me’ but she was afraid that he might say it just to please her rather than because it was true.
“Oh, so that’s what’s bothering you.” He smiled and moved towards her. She tried to take a step back, but he had already put his hands on her waist, pulling her to him. His mouth found hers, kissing her gently at first. She murmured and moved against him, feeling the warmth of his body through her dress and wanting to be even closer still. He responded by kissing her more passionately, bringing one of his hands up to support the back of her head as he increased the pressure of the kiss. She caressed the side of his face with her hand, fighting the compulsion to run that hand all over his body.
“Oh, Calista,” he said in husky tones when he set her lips free. His mouth gently teased her jawline. “I think you and I will cope very well together as man and wife.”
Cope? Was that all he could offer her? A marriage where they coped? It was not what she wanted to hear. She gasped in anguish, before turning and fleeing from him, flying up the stairs to her room where she threw herself on the bed, sobbing.
Chapter Ten
The next few weeks passed by in a daze for Calista. She and the colonel were invited to several functions as a couple, accompanied by Lady Bedlington as their chaperone, because Evelyn was still unwell. She had little choice but to smile and talk, when inside her heart was torn in two.
There had been no further talk of abandoning the engagement, mainly because she had no chance to be alone with the colonel. In public, he and Lady Bedlington spoke of the marriage as though it were a fait accompli. It left Calista feeling that she was on a merry go round that spun faster and faster. One day, she felt sure, it would throw her off into the void.
Lady Bedlington also insisted on buying a trousseau for Calista, despite her protestations. “A new bride must be dressed accordingly,” said Lady Bedlington as they waited in yet another dress shop, whilst girls modeled various dresses.
“I do not feel like a new bride,” said Calista.
“Things may not have happened as you wished, child, but they have happened,” said Lady Bedlington, kindly. “All you can do now is make the best of them.”
“He does not love me.” It was the most honest that Calista had been so far. “How can I marry him when he does not love me?”
“When I married my late husband it was arranged by our families. I felt much as you do. That I was some sort of marionette, being controlled by others. Then finally, after the wedding, all the strings were cut and it was just the two of us, alone together. I realized then that he was as terrified as I was and had been for just as long. I don’t know if I loved him then, on our wedding day. It took some time for love to grow. I do know that when I lost him, I lost the only man I ever loved and the only man who ever loved me.”
“What if he never loves me?”
“Who said he does not?”
“He has not said he does.”
“My dear child, if you insist on waiting for a man to say the right things, then you’ll be waiting forever. They never do. That is society’s fault. We raise men to be stoical, not to show or express their feelings. But as you grow older you will learn to judge a man by his actions, not by his words. Then you will know without being told.”
“And what if I learn to judge him by his actions and it seems he does not love me?”
Lady Bedlington put her hand over Calista’s. “At the moment you think you are the only girl in the world beset by such fears, and that men do not worry about it, but that is not so. Whether male or female, we all want to be loved and we all fear being unloved. Even your step-sister behaves as she does out of a pressing desire to be loved and admired. Only she needs be loved and admired more than anyone else in the world. In the end that will destroy her, because she will never be able to settle for the love of one man. I do not know my great nephew’s feelings for certain, as he has not confided in me. I do know from his actions that he cares about your welfare and wants to protect you from men like the Earl of Garton. Can that not be enough for you, for now?”
“I suppose it will have to be.” Calista was tempted to tell Lady Bedlington that the colonel had offered her a very different type of protection, but she feared it would not only reflect badly on the colonel, but also upon her. What type of girl must she seem to be to have a man make such an offer?
Lady Bedlington was right. The colonel did care about her welfare, and was always kind and gentle with her. Even more so since they kissed. He seemed to understand her confusion and fear.
But as much as Calista tried to tell herself that it was enough that she was going to marry a man whom she trusted would never treat her unkindly, she could also see bleak years stretching ahead of her. Years in which she loved him more and more, whilst he cared for her less and less because he would rather have married someone else. The previous night she had a vivid and disturbing dream that her heart broke off one piece at a time, year by year, until eventually there was nothing more than a black hole where it used to be. What would that do to her in the long run? What kind of person would she become? She saw herself as an embittered old woman, grieving for a love she had never known, perhaps spreading poison amongst others to try and ease her own pain.
When they returned to Lady Bedlington’s town house, it was to find that Evelyn was once more ill in bed.
“I think it’s time we called a doctor,” said Lady Bedlington. She and Calista had gone straight Evelyn’s room.
“No, it is merely a stomach complaint,” said Evelyn. “I will be well again tomorrow. It must be something I ate.”
“That is what worries me,” said Lady Bedlington. “Several of the servants are also ill. So it is time to get to the bottom of this. I will not have it said that I poison my guests and my staff.” She smiled and swept from the room, but Calista could see that despite Her Ladyship’s witty remark, she was deeply concerned.
“Tell me, what have you bought for your trousseau today?” asked Evelyn, trying to sit up.
“Do not tire yourself.” Calista sat on the edge of the bed.
“I am so sorry I cannot come with you. I should love to see all your new clothes.”
“You will see them when they arrive. I have four new morning dresses and four new ball gowns. Though why I need so much I do not know. Unless Lady Bedlington is afraid that the colonel will never allow me to buy another gown.”
“I do not think he will be miserly. Are you happy, Calista?”
Calista shook her head. “Lady Bedlington says that I should be happy he is kind to me.”
“That is important. As I found out from my first husband,, a man in love with you is not necessarily kind. I suppose it is because one has further to fall from the pedestal upon which they set you.”
“Oh, so you think that as the colonel does not have very high expectations of me, he will not be as disappointed when I fail to live up to those expectations,” Calista quipped. She was relieved to see that despite all her glum moments, she still had her sense of humour.
“That is not what I meant at all, you wicked girl.” Evelyn took her hand. “I know that this may not be all you wish it to be, darling, but I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you will be cared for, no matter what happens to me. I think …”
“What?”
“I have to tell someone. Blanche will not hear of it. But Mr. Benedict has been coming to see me most days. He wants to marry me.”
“Evelyn, that’s wonderful!” Calista threw her arms around her step-mother’s neck. “And you said yes, of course?”
“Yes. He has worn me down. I do not think I ever stopped loving him, and there’s a … a rightness to our getting married. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
“It does not mean that I did not love your father.”
“Evelyn, you do not have to explain to me. I know you loved papa, and he loved you. As he loved mama. I am sure that our hearts are big enough to find love more than once. It is big enough to encompass our parents and our children.” As Calista spoke, she realized she had hit upon the truth in herself. Even if the colonel never loved her, they might have children. Her heart would never be completely broken, because there would always be a part of it set aside to love her children and she would always want to do what was best for them. He would love them too. She had no doubt about that. He was not cold and uncaring like his father. Perhaps that would bring them together. And one day, he might just realize he loved her, if only as the mother of his children. It was a hope she would carry in her heart as she walked up the aisle.
“You look different,” said Evelyn. “Resigned?”
“Yes, I think I am. But let us talk about you and Mr. Benedict. When will you marry?”
“Never!” Blanche’s voice cracked like a pistol shot. Neither had realized she entered the room. “Mama, I have told you to have nothing to do with that man.”
“And I have told you, Blanche that I am the mother and you are the daughter. Please, let’s not argue.”
“I will not have anything standing between me and being the Duchess of Midchester.”
“I do not see how my marriage to Mr. Benedict could do such a thing.”
“He is of the lower classes.”
“He may not be a nobleman, Blanche, but he is a decent, and well-bred gentleman.” Evelyn lay back on the pillow, looking exhausted. “It is decided Blanche and nothing you can do will stop it.”
Before Blanche could say anymore the doctor arrived. Calista and her step-sister were ushered from the room, whilst the doctor talked to Evelyn.
After he had seen Evelyn he went to call on the servants who were also sick, but would not be drawn on his conclusions immediately.
Lady Bedlington had joined Calista and Blanche in their sitting room, and the three women waited whilst the doctor made his rounds.
“I am sure Mama is perfectly well,” said Blanche. To Calista’s surprise Blanche looked genuinely concerned. “She is getting old and old people suffer from such complaints.”
“I’ll have you know I have the constitution of a horse,” said Lady Bedlington. She smiled to show she was joking. Blanche sat on the sofa, wringing her hands, not seeming to listen. “And my servants are not all old. Young Annie who tends you is only eighteen, yet she too is ill.”
“Perhaps Annie has been doing things she should not,” said Blanche.
“I doubt that very much,” said Lady Bedlington. She was no longer smiling. “Annie is the daughter of my butler at Bedlington Hall in Midchester, and they are a good, decent family.”
“I am sure Blanche is only upset about her mama,” said Calista.
“I do not need you to defend me, Calista.”
“Yes, you are right, Calista. I am sure your step-sister is merely concerned about Mrs. Haywood.”
“I do love mama, you know,” Blanche said suddenly. “Despite what people think. I love her dearly.”
“I know that, Blanche,” said Calista. She went to sit at Blanche’s side.
“I do not really want her to die.”
“She is not going to die.”
“She might…” Tears splashed on Blanche’s cheeks. Calista could not remember if she had ever seen her step-sister cry. At least not emotional tears. Blanche was capable of angry tears, when she had tantrums, but she seemed to be genuinely distressed. “If she had only listened to me. Now her sins have come back to haunt her, and she is being punished for them.”
“Whatever can you mean?” asked Calista. “Evelyn is the best of women.”
“You know that is not true, Calista. Do not pretend otherwise.”
Before Calista could respond, the doctor came back into the room. His face was very serious. “I must speak to you alone, Lady Bedlington.”
“That is not necessary,” said Her Ladyship. “I would like to hear what you have to say in front of Miss Kirkham and Miss Haywood.” She was looking at Blanche with piercing eyes.
“It would seem,” said the doctor, “that Mrs. Haywood and some members of your staff have been poisoned.”
“Poisoned?” Calista stared at him open mouthed. “But how? Who?”
“How I can answer, Miss Haywood. The symptoms suggest it was rat poison. By whom, I am afraid, I cannot answer.”
“It is a mistake, clearly,” said Blanche. “Or perhaps one of the servants did it. Put poison in the food. I have heard of servants going mad and doing such things. You are lucky you are not dead, Lady Bedlington. No doubt one of the servants thinks you have left them a legacy, and has tried to kill us all. We are fortunate not to be afflicted.” She was speaking in feverish tones. “But mama will be safe now, will she not? It is not too late?” The question came out sounding as though Blanche’s life depended on it.
“We will certainly investigate everyone in the household,” said Lady Bedlington. Though she spoke evenly, Calista heard a slight tremor in her voice. “Yes, we will investigate everyone. Will they all be safe now, Doctor?”
“As long as no one ingests anymore rat poison, yes. But of
course, unless you know who is doing it and how it was given to them, it is hard to say.” At that moment the colonel burst through the sitting room door.
“What is happening?” he said. “I am told that the servants are poisoned, as is Mrs. Haywood.”
“That is correct, Brook,” said Lady Bedlington. “It seems gossip spreads fast in this house.”
“They are all discussing it downstairs. I rushed back from my house to tell you all that…”
“What?” Calista saw that his grey eyes were dark and stormy. “What has happened?”
“Mr. Benedict was set upon by some ruffians early this morning. I found him crumpled on the doorstep. He is seriously injured. There is nowhere suitable to put him in my house, so I am having him carried up to his room here as we speak. As soon as I heard the doctor was here, I came to fetch him. Now this about the poisoning. What evil is taking over here?”
“The two cannot be connected, surely,” said Lady Bedlington. No one answered her. The doctor was already following the colonel to Mr. Benedict’s room.
The next forty eight hours were taken up with nursing all those who were sick, and the injured Mr. Benedict. Calista, Lady Bedlington and the servants who were not ill all took their turns at various sick beds. The colonel and the male servants took care of Mr. Benedict’s more personal needs.
Even Blanche helped, but only with her mother. However, for reasons of her own, Calista was reluctant to let Blanche be alone with Evelyn.
It was only after two days, when Blanche went exhausted to her own bed, that Calista felt she could leave Evelyn for a few minutes. She needed to speak to the colonel.
As she expected, she found him sitting at his friend’s bedside. “I need to speak to you,” she said. The colonel did not need telling twice. He followed her into Mr. Benedict’s dressing room and pulled the door to.
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