She was just about to undress and get into bed when there was a knock on the door. It was Lady Bedlington.
“I am sorry I have not been down to dinner,” said Calista.
“You’re unhappy, child, I can see that.” Lady Bedlington closed the door behind her and took Calista’s hands. “I am not happy with the way things turned out either. Like you I feel that justice should be served. But unfortunately Brook and Mrs. Haywood are correct. If this got out, the scandal would affect us all.”
“I do not understand why it should reflect badly upon the innocent,” said Calista.
“Oh but it does, dear girl. You are very young and idealistic, and very special for being that way. But I have lived in this world for longer. I have seen these scandals come and go, and the effect they have upon those who were innocent. Society tends to judge a family as a whole being, rather than by its individual members. That is why Blanche will not be brought to trial, and why Brook will never try for his father’s title. He is not just thinking of his mother’s good name, but the good name of all our family.”
“How can we ever trust her again?” asked Calista. “How can Evelyn even dare to take a drink of tea from her?”
“It is hard to understand it, but I do believe that Blanche is truly sorry for almost killing her mother. However…” Lady Bedlington paused. “That is not to say that she will not do something else stupid to someone that she does not love so well. We must be on our guard, you and I.”
“Oh and what if she does,” said Calista. “It would only be hushed up again for the good of the family and …” she stopped. “I am sorry, Lady Bedlington, I spoke out of turn. I did not mean to sound so angry with you.”
“I know, dear. And I understand exactly what you are saying. But we must cross that bridge if and when we come to it.” Lady Bedlington turned to leave then said, “Are you sure that Blanche’s attempt at murder is the only reason you wish her to be punished?”
“No,” said Calista, shamefaced. “No, probably not.”
“Well, I understand that too. But you are a good girl, Calista, and the fact that you have admitted it shows that you do not really wish her to be punished for anything other than what she has done to her mother, Mr. Benedict and the servants.”
“I wish I could be sure that was true,” said Calista. “But…”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Mr. Benedict. There is no way Blanche could have arranged that. She must have been working with someone.”
Lady Bedlington nodded. “Yes, Brook said as much. But Blanche refuses to name anyone else.”
“I think I know who it is,” said Calista.
Chapter Twelve
The days passed by until Calista woke up one morning and realized it was her wedding day. She had barely seen the colonel since Blanche’s plot was revealed. He and Mr. Benedict, who had made a full recovery, were out most of the day, only returning late in the evening after dinner. There was no chance for Calista to be alone with the colonel. She had so many fears and doubts, but she knew that the right words from him, even if they were not ‘I love you’, would make all the doubts go away.
“You look lovely,” said Evelyn, after she had helped Calista into her wedding gown. It was white satin with an intricate lace design on the bodice. A whisper thin veil covered her head.
“Thank you.”
“Calista, dearest, we have not had much chance to talk since … well since everything happened. I know you are disappointed in me…”
“No, I am not, Evelyn. I understand that it is your duty to protect your child.”
“And yet in doing so, I have lost you. I can feel it.”
“I am not your child.” It was a simple statement of fact, so Calista was surprised to see the hurt in Evelyn’s eyes. Since the events of which Evelyn spoke, Calista had felt increasingly isolated. She began to wonder who would stick up for her if she ever did anything wrong. She had no mother or father of her own, and whilst Lady Bedlington was always kind to her, she was not a blood relation and would always put the family name first. As for the colonel … his dismissal of Blanche’s wrongdoing for the sake of avoiding a scandal hurt more than anyone else’s. And yet in a few hours time she would be his wife. How could she bear it? If only her feelings for the colonel and hatred of Blanche were not so closely combined by her certainty that he had other reasons for protecting her step-sister.
“You may not believe this, Calista, but I would have done the same for you.”
“I would not have tried to poison you.”
“Please do not do this, darling. Do not push everyone away because you are angry with us. Because you do not think we did the right thing. It was as much for you as for anyone. You do not want your marriage to the colonel marred by scandal right from the beginning. Society can be very cruel.”
“The colonel assured me that he did not care for what society thinks. I suppose he only thought so when there was no danger of it happening, due to his war record. In the end it turns out he is just like everyone else, terrified of losing his place in it.”
“Calista! This is no way to talk of the man you are going to marry.”
“Oh why not, Evelyn? He is not marrying me because he loves me. He is marrying me because he was cornered into it at St James Palace. You as much as said yourself that he only intended to offer me his protection. And it is I who must live with that reality. Not society.”
“I …” Evelyn looked helpless. “I may have been wrong.”
“It is more likely that you were right. Honestly I do not understand why he did not just ask Blanche to marry him if she is what he wanted.”
Evelyn took Calista’s hand. “I do not say this to be unkind, darling. You are clearly unhappy enough as it is and I have no wish to add to that. But for a clever girl you can be very obtuse at times.”
Before Calista could ask Evelyn what she meant, a servant arrived to let them know that the carriage was waiting to take them to the church. As Calista had no male relative to give her away, Mr. Benedict had agreed to do it. The colonel had asked one of his fellow officers to stand in as best man. He was waiting for them in the hall.
“You look very beautiful, Miss Haywood,” he said kindly. He was one of the few people Calista was not angry with. She knew from things that had been said that hiding the scandal had cost him almost as much as it had cost her. She sensed there was an estrangement between Mr. Benedict and Evelyn and was genuinely sorry for it. She still loved her step-mother and did want her to be happy with the man she loved. It seemed that Blanche had succeeded in destroying any hopes of that.
She tried to swallow some of her own self-pity. At least she was marrying the man she loved, even if he did not feel the same way. Perhaps all she felt was nerves because it was her wedding day and that all the tense feelings would disappear as soon as she was married. But there was something else too. Something at the back of her mind that told her the troubles were not over yet. What form they might take, she did not know. Only that as she climbed into the carriage on a bright sunny day, a cloud crossed the sun and the light became dark. She shivered involuntarily.
“Are you cold, Miss Haywood?” asked Mr. Benedict. The carriage set off towards the church.
“No, I am well, thank you.”
“Nervous?”
“Yes. A little. Very.” She smiled.
“You are marrying a good man today. Let me take this chance to wish you both all the happiness in the world.”
“Thank you.” Calista struggled to smile, feeling more like crying. “I hope … I hope you and Evelyn shall be happy one day too. If it is not presumptuous for me to say so.”
“Thank you … Calista. I know that you and I share the same opinion about recent events. I have tried to follow Evelyn’s wishes, but … I had always thought that when I had a child I should love it unconditionally. It is difficult to find out one not only has a child, but that it is impossible to even like that child. I have to remind myself that Evelyn
has had to live with our mistake, and has suffered for it. She cannot turn her back on Blanche now. And in many ways it is our fault the way Blanche turned out. We were reckless when we were young. No, I was reckless. I cannot bring myself to blame Evelyn. I gave no thought to the consequences of my actions. Now we are both paying for our youthful transgressions. Even if society does not punish, God finds a way.”
Calista did not know what to think of a God who could bring so much on happiness on two people who were genuinely in love. “Evelyn still loves you. I know that much, and I do so want you both to be happy.”
“It is odd the way life works out. Your mother and father are blessed with Portia. Myself and Evelyn somehow give rise to Lady MacBeth.”
Calista laughed for the first time in many days, albeit in a bittersweet way. “I am sorry, I should not laugh.”
“Yes, you should for that was my intention. I know you are very confused and conflicted by the things that have happened, added to the nervousness that all new brides feel. But I promise you that by the end of today, all your worries will be eradicated. You will be happy with Brook, Calista. I guarantee it.”
“And you and Evelyn?”
“We will work our way through things I am sure. But we are not your concern. You must concentrate on your own life from now on.”
Calista shyly reached out and took Mr. Benedict’s hand. “Thank you for agreeing to give me away today. I cannot think of anyone whom I would prefer to do it.”
“And I am very proud to have been asked to escort such a beautiful bride on her wedding day.”
The church was full of people that Calista barely knew. Only Evelyn, Lady Bedlington and Blanche were familiar faces in the crowd. It once again illustrated how isolated she was. Soon, she thought, as she walked up the aisle, she would be married to a man who had no love for her. She hesitated slightly, almost losing her footing, before raising her chin and deciding to meet whatever came afterwards head on. She was not a coward, and she did love the colonel. Whether it would be enough to make her happy, she did not know. All she did know, as she saw him waiting at the altar, dressed in his uniform and with a fellow officer at his side, was that she wanted to be married to him.
Mr. Benedict went through the formalities of giving her away, her hand trembling as he put it into the colonel’s. She assumed that she made all the right responses to the officiating vicar, but afterwards, when they were pronounced man and wife, she had little recollection of having done so. She was, however, very aware of the colonel’s voice repeating the vows. It resonated throughout the church, and she imagined she must sound very mouse-like in comparison.
“You may kiss the bride,” said the vicar. The colonel … her husband … lifted her veil. She expected a peck on the cheek so she was unprepared for the emotions that assaulted her when he took her in his arms and kissed her full on the lips. The kiss was wonderful and devastating at the same time. Wonderful, because his kisses always were, but devastating because she was convinced it was either for show or to make Blanche jealous. Or perhaps even a little of both.
As the kiss went on and on, she could hear the congregation somewhere in the background. Some were saying ‘aw’ and others were laughing uncomfortably. The British were not used to such obvious shows of affection, especially in public.
She did not know who broke the spell. Her or Brook, but she was grateful that even when he took his lips from hers he still held her around the waist as she was sure she might stagger backwards.
“My wife at last,” he whispered.
The next few hours passed by in a daze, with Calista feeling like a puppet whose strings were being controlled by other people. She merely went where she was told, and spoke when she was spoken to.
The wedding party returned to Lady Bedlington’s where a wedding breakfast had been laid on. There were several speeches. Some, by Brook’s brother officers, jokingly alluded to the coming night, only just staying on the right side of decency. No one seemed to mind. Even Lady Bedlington laughed, despite blushing in a very old lady-like manner. If Lady Bedlington’s cheeks were pink, Calista imagined her own to be scarlet. She had almost managed to push the thought of sharing a bed with Brook to the back of her mind, apart from the fevered dreams over which she had no control.
Soon it was time for Calista to change into her going away outfit. They were to spend a night at Brook’s house, before leaving for their honeymoon the next day. Calista had no idea where they were going. Brook had not shared the information with her. It was another indication of her lack of control over her own life. She wondered if she would always feel this way.
“Thank God that’s all over,” said Brook, as they drove back to his house in the carriage. It was on Calista’s lips to snap that she was sorry marrying her had proved such an ordeal, but she clamped her mouth shut. He had no choice but to marry her, after the King had forced his hand by trying to betroth Calista to the Earl of Garton. “Now we’ll have chance to talk,” he said, softly. “I’ve arranged that once dinner is served the servants will have the evening off so we can be alone.”
“That will be … nice…”
“Nice?”
“I mean good, that we can talk at last. Because I’ve been thinking … We don’t have to … what I mean is … as far as everyone is concerned, we are married now. So no one else will know what happens inside our marriage. So if you want to … to see other ladies …” Her voice caught in her throat. “I shan’t stop you. I’m sure you’ll find them far more interesting than me and… Well we hardly need bother each other at all, do we?”
“Bother each other?”
She wished he would stop responding with a question. Especially questions that insisted she be specific about what she meant.
“Are you saying that you do not wish to share my bed?”
“No … I mean … well only if you would rather not. If there is someone else you prefer…”
Brook frowned. “I am willing to put your reluctance down to shyness, rather than be offended by it.”
“I am sorry, I did not mean to offend you.”
“Very well, Calista. I shan’t bother you tonight, if that’s what you prefer. But you do understand that if we are to have children … which is something I would very much like … then we will have to ... bother each other, as you so quaintly put it, sometimes. Do you understand that? Has your step-mother spoken to you about tonight?”
“Oh yes. We had an excruciating conversation about it last night. I am not sure who was more embarrassed. Evelyn or me.”
“I can imagine.” Brook smiled, and it reminded Calista why she had fallen in love with him. Of course she wanted to share his bed and have his children. How could she have been so stupid as to suggest otherwise? Only she did not know how to retract her statement without looking even more stupid than she already did. He became more serious. “I am rather hurt that you would foist me off on another woman, Calista. I had hoped …” he sighed. “Never mind what I hoped. I can see now I’ve been a fool. There will be no other women for me, and there will most certainly be no other men for you.”
“I would never …” Calista’s face felt as if it was on fire and she glanced at him in horror. “I did not mean that I would want to see other men. I am not like that.”
“Yet you think I am the sort of man who would take a mistress? You are allowed to feel offended by such an insult, but I am not. Is that it?”
“No. No of course not. Oh nothing I say is coming out right. I only wanted you not to feel trapped, that is all. I know you only married me to save me from the Earl of Garton and because you promised the King you would, and that there is someone else you prefer, but… “
The carriage lurched to a halt outside Brook’s house, preventing her from saying anything else. What a mess she had made of things. Why was it so difficult for her to say to him ‘I love you, and I hate that you do not love me’? She put it down to the lack of control she had been feeling for quite some time. If she admitted s
he loved him, without his returning that affection, then he might have even more control over her. He might even use her love against her as a means of making sure he always got his own way. He was a man used to having his demands obeyed. She could not take the risk of being just another soldier under his command. She had to keep something of her own, even if it was only the secret of her love for him.
“I think you have said more than enough,” he muttered as he helped her down from the carriage. The servants were coming from the house to welcome them home. “So tonight at dinner I will talk and you will listen.”
“I am not one of your soldiers to command,” she hissed, with one last attempt at liberty. It fooled no one, certainly not him. His grip on her waist as he led her up the steps to the house, told her exactly who was in charge.
She had little time to take in that the renovations to the house had been completed, and that the outside looked far less derelict than it had before. She was only aware of a loud crack, then Brook stumbling against her, almost knocking her off balance. She thought at first that he had tripped on the step, until she saw blood running from his temple. She caught him in her arms, and they both slipped, landing with a thud on the top step, her arms held tightly around him. “Brook…” Her voice was barely above a whisper, until the full horror of what had happened finally dawned on her. Only then did she scream his name.
Chapter Thirteen
A shaft of sunlight broke through a gap in the curtains, casting a glow on the bed where Brook lay with his head bandaged. Several days had passed by, in which Calista refused to leave his side. She lay on top of the bed, fully dressed, with her hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his laboured breathing
“I am afraid, Mrs Windebank,” said the doctor, on the first day, “all we can do now is wait. I have retrieved the bullet from the colonel’s head, but it is uncertain how much damage it may have done. His body may well heal itself or…”
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