by Virna DePaul
Life was good.
I didn’t mind that the sun wasn’t up and I still had an hour before my alarm would go off. The lost hour of sleep had been a fair trade-off for the pleasant surprise upon waking. I sprung out of bed and threw my work-out clothes on, in a hurry to make it to the gym before it got crowded. When I arrived, the parking lot was nearly empty.
Inside, I reveled at all the machines available to me, nearly giddy with excitement.
By the time I’d finished with my weights routine, the space had filled with people and clanging metal as the various machines worked.
“Good morning.”
Logan. Everywhere I went, there he was. Today though, the irritation didn’t stab at me. In fact, I was glad to see him. He was wearing me down, turning me into putty. “Morning,” I returned.
“You saved me a phone call. I was going to confirm the inspection today.”
“Right.” I smiled. Yep, the last of my resistance was failing. “It’s scheduled for noon.”
“See you at noon then.” He strolled off and began his workout.
I did a few laps around the pool then grabbed my things and headed for my car to go home for a shower. Logan met me at the Lexus as if he’d been waiting for me.
“Hey, what’s up?” I threw my bag on the passenger side seat.
“Just wondering what you’re doing later, after the inspection.”
I frowned, the muscles in my entire body tensing as though I was still using the weight machine. “Probably going back to work and reading the inspection report.” I wouldn’t ask why he wanted to know. It could lead to me agreeing to a date.
“Thought you might want to get together later. Have a drink?”
He’d softened me up but it had to stop. After all, none of his actions were solid proof he loved me. And even though I knew I’d never get a guarantee that he’d love me forever, I had to at least have the hope of it. I sighed, vowing to resist. “No, Logan. You and me, it’s not going to work. We need to keep our relationship to strictly business. I’m sorry.”
Logan’s face fell, reminding me of the boy I knew long ago. “Why won’t it work? I know you still love me.”
“How would you know that? Did I say that? No, I didn’t. So why would you believe it?”
“Like you said, saying I love you doesn’t mean much. It’s what you do. Like ending things with Jared, protesting too much when I talk about your feelings for me… following my career.”
Ginny! I’d beat her to a pulp. No, not really but she’d get some stern words. “I have to go. Can we do this another time? Like, never.” I moved to get inside my car and his arm blocked me. I spun and glared. “Please get out of my way.”
“You’re still mad. I get it. And I can’t really blame you. But, geez, Shelby, what’s a guy gotta do to make it right?”
“Nothing. You can’t make it right. You can’t fix it with the fat commission on the house or tempt me by taking away my troubles with Mr. Fellows. You can’t buy me, Logan.”
Logan’s eyes narrowed. “Buy you? Is that what you think I’m doing?” He scoffed. “Because if I wanted to buy a woman, I could do it a lot cheaper than dropping over a million in cash on a house.” His jaw ticked. I’d pissed him off. Good.
I slammed my car door shut, stretched up to my full five seven and lifted my chin. “Why me, Logan? What about me makes you try so hard? Is it because I keep saying no? You like your women to play hard to get?”
“I like you, however I can get you. Just you.”
Oh, wow. The way he said it in that low growl made my bones melt. But I couldn’t let him get to me. Shaking my head, I sighed.
“You’ve got a rockin’ body but your nose is a little too long and your lips are too full. And I like my women blonde and without the attitude. And if you were an actress, they’d tell you to get a boob job.”
“What?” I shook my head. This was not the way to woo me.
“But damn it, Shelby.” He pushed me, slamming his hands against my car on either side of me. “I’ve never met anyone more beautiful or anyone I wanted more than you.”
I blinked.
“I was scared. When I came here, it was with the sole purpose of fixing things with you. It was hopeless, of course, but I had to do it anyway. Your attitude since I’ve come back has made me wonder if it really is hopeless. After the conversation with Jared, I knew it wasn’t. Even if this is all pointless, I’d still rather grow old here and see you once in a while than live the rest of my life without you in it.”
His words sent a shudder through my veins, renewed love into my heart and air whooshed into my lungs, bringing hope with it. But unlike Logan, I couldn’t afford even the tiniest sliver of hope. It’s what hurls you into the living but once taken away, shatters your life.
“The idea behind the house wasn’t so you could get a commission. The house is for us, to raise our children. That’s why I wanted to make sure you loved it. I want to create a life with you. I want forever with you. I knew when I came back that you might not want the same thing but I had to at least put it out there. If I did nothing, like the last nine years, that would only ensure I’d never get you back.”
Logan had no idea what he was saying, had no concept of what forever really meant. Maybe something happened in Hollywood and he’d had a wild urge to run for safety. Me. I was safe.
I gently moved his arms so I wasn’t imprisoned and took a deep breath. “The thing is, Logan, it makes no difference if I want those things with you or not. Because I already know I can never have them. It doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, because I’ll never be able to trust you. I can never give you my whole heart. We can’t have a forever without that.”
He nodded slowly. “I understand. But as a writer, I can work from anywhere. I’ll just wait right here until you can trust me again. As long as it takes.” He opened my car door.
I hesitated, watching him, then turned and got in front of the wheel. He gently closed the door and walked away.
My body melted into the car seat as all my zest for life left with Logan. I sat there in the gym parking lot, unmoving except for my trembling hands.
***
At noon on the dot, Logan pulled up in his Jaguar in front of his future house. I waited as he got out and closed the distance, feeling extremely awkward after our last words. A part of me felt bad but the other part of me knew that Logan would get over it. His love wasn’t real. If it was something close to love, it wouldn’t last anyway. Just like before. Mine on the other hand…
“Hey.” He shoved his hands in his pocket.
I nodded toward the approaching truck. “That’s Rafe, our inspector. While he’s doing his job, you and I will do our own inspection, you know, check out the house more thoroughly, case the neighborhood and that sort of thing.”
Rafe sidled up and I introduced them. I let us into the house and he got to work.
“Now’s the time to make sure you really want it, see if it meets your needs,” I said.
He grinned. “Only if you’ll do the same.”
Butterflies rioted in my stomach at the thought of being with Logan in that way, sharing a life with him. “I have my own house, Logan. I’m not moving in with you. We’re not going to live happily ever after here.”
“You can keep the other house. Rent it out.” He opened a hallway closet. “Lots of storage space.”
I ignored his comment, but inside I longed to make his fantasy my own.
Logan and I went our separate ways, me searching for anything that might decrease the value and Logan making double sure that the house would provide for all his needs.
He found me later in the kitchen pantry. “So what do you say we have dinner after this and we can look at the report together?”
“It’s as if this morning’s chat never happened.” I frowned. “Look, Logan, whatever you think you feel for me, you’ll get over it.”
“I disagree. If I haven’t gotten over it in nine years, I never
will. Believe me, I tried.”
I pushed past him and out of the pantry then glanced around for the inspector, wishing the house wasn’t vacant. Occupants would have given me a buffer.
“He’s on the roof. Can’t hear us. There’s no one to save you now.” Logan grinned.
“Let’s just say I believed you and we fell into bed. It might last a while and we’d probably have a great ride. But I’d always be wondering when you were going to leave. There would always be a part of me watching to see if you’re looking at other girls.”
He leaned against the granite counter. “I don’t want anyone but you. You have it in your head that I’m fickle and unpredictable. But it was never a matter of not loving you anymore or leaving you for someone else. I never stopped loving you in the first place, Shelby.”
“So you keep saying.” My resistance was dissolving and my body hummed for wanting him. I needed distance. When he turned around, I darted down the hallway and slipped into the master bedroom. A moment later, I heard the door close. He’d followed me.
“Depriving yourself of me won’t make you love me less.”
I spun around to see him leaning against the door, blocking my exit. “Can we just drop it, Logan?”
“That’s not what you want. You don’t want me to leave again.”
I folded my arms over my chest, brows raised.
“I was just a boy trying to find my way. It was hard enough being several hundred miles from you and never knowing what you’re really thinking. Even before that, I always felt I wasn’t good enough for you. You were… everything I wanted, everything I knew I couldn’t hold onto. And it was painful, almost unbearable being with you and yet not being with you. So I broke up with you, hoping it would be easier. It wasn’t. And every day since then, I’ve thought about you, wishing I could do it all over again. The reason I got photographed with so many girls is because I kept trying to get over you. But in the end, none of them were you. And, finally, I got tired of hearing myself whine.”
The way he told it, his life mirrored mine. I shivered and turned to look out the window. “Doesn’t change anything, Logan. I’d still be wondering when you were going to get scared and run again. Even if we were together, there would be nothing to hold you here. Like you said, you can write from anywhere.”
“Shelby?” The door opened. “There you are,” Rafe said. “Been looking all over for you guys.”
Rafe debriefed us, got a check from Logan and shook his hand. I walked them out and locked the door behind me. I did not want to get trapped in there with Logan again. My car was just a few yards away. Freedom.
I waved at Rafe as he drove off and when I turned to my car, Logan was leaning against the door. I steeled myself for more, knowing I couldn’t hold out much longer. My throat ached from unshed tears and my hands trembled.
“I won’t keep you,” he said. “I just want to say one thing…”
“Which is?”
“I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Shelby. Always have.” His eyes pooled and he pushed himself off my car, strolling to his own. “Read the damn manuscript,” he threw over his shoulder.
Logan had really gotten to me this time. Not his words, not his intensity or sincerity. It was the last moment when his eyes glistened. Emotion. Possibly love. And for that instant, I truly believed him, just like years ago. It terrified me. What if I gave in and opened myself up only to have him discard me again like leftovers? The very thought knotted my insides and moistened my palms.
I knew I wouldn’t accomplish a damn thing at work. In a daze, I drove home. Flying through the door of my house, I tossed my purse on the couch and retrieved the manuscript from underneath the couch. The first few chapters described me, our relationship, his relocation to Los Angeles and how much he wished he lived in Sacramento, with me.
My first Spring without Shelby, my dad was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. He made me promise not to tell anyone. For him, it was about pride. He couldn’t handle the thought of people feeling sorry for him. I figured Dad would get better and it would all be over before we knew it. I helped him through chemo, being his caretaker while still going to school. I was exhausted all the time. It was a hard life and sometimes, I couldn’t return Shelby’s calls. Or I’d have to stand outside on the phone with her so I wouldn’t wake my dad.
I wanted to tell Shelby about my dad, how much I thought of her while I waited for him during his doctor visits. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want her to worry. Mostly, I didn’t want her to know how difficult my life had become. It would only make her feel bad. I couldn’t burden her that way.
When my dad had surgery, the doctors said there would be a long convalescence and likely more chemo up the road to make sure all the cancer was gone. I didn’t want to watch my dad go through all that pain. But I did. And at the same time, I kept up the house, the groceries, took care of him while keeping up pretenses with Shelby.
I’d made friends with a girl who lived a couple houses away. She’d seen my dad outside when we left for the hospital so she knew he wasn’t well. Sometimes she and I would sit out front on the porch steps and just talk. It was easy hanging out with her because I could be myself, confide in her.
One day she kissed me. I knew she could never be Shelby but that didn’t matter. I kissed her back. Guilt consumed me for letting my guard down and kissing someone else. I’d cheated on Shelby, the girl of my dreams. I hated myself for that.
The next day I broke up with Shelby. Not because I didn’t love her but because I wanted to share everything with her and couldn’t. I wanted her with me. I’d turned eighteen months before and could leave any time. I wanted to move back home but with my dad sick, leaving wasn’t an option. We needed a clean break so we could both move on.
I cried most of the first day after breaking up with Shelby. I missed her so much, my insides ached. Every time I remembered that I wouldn’t be seeing her again, I wanted to curl up into a ball. I told myself that I’d get over her and eventually she’d be only a faded memory.
Knowing that the pain would eventually pass helped me get through the next few months with my dad.
Tears stung my eyes. If only Logan had told me all that. I’d recently seen his father in a photograph with Logan so I knew he was still alive. I read on.
When my dad was well enough to be on his own, I visited my mom during school vacations but never with the intention of looking up Shelby. Even though it had been months since I broke up with her, it was still too raw. And I was a coward. If I didn’t put myself out there, she couldn’t say no. At least without her rejection, I always had hope.
Seventeen months since I’d last seen Shelby, I couldn’t forget her. Yielding to my longing, I took a road trip from Los Angeles to Sacramento, vowing to win Shelby back. The drive was long and tedious but thoughts of Shelby and I renewing our love spurred me on. I couldn’t wait to see her.
My mom’s house was warm and inviting and my room was exactly the same, as if waiting for my return. But I couldn’t stay. I thought of nothing but reuniting with Shelby. I planned to explain everything and she’d welcome me back. Continuing a long distance relationship was out of the question, of course. I’d move back for her, just as we’d originally planned.
I didn’t want to call her, preferring to surprise her in person. I imagined how happy she’d be to see me. It didn’t take long to squash that dream. I’d been in front of her house working up the nerve to knock on the door when a guy about our age waltzed up to her front porch and beat me to it. Shelby came out, kissed him on the cheek, ducked back inside to grab something and strolled with him to his car, hand in hand.
She’d moved on.
Broken hearted, I returned to Los Angeles. I visited my mom and sister occasionally but I never tried to look Shelby up again.
The next section detailed his first manuscript, his journey to publication and his first movie deal, the production and the premier. He told of the excitement and his first multi-book deal and t
he exhilaration when his books hit the best seller lists.
I was at the top of my field, the envy of other writers, with no shortage of women. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted someone by my side who’d always be there. But all I could think about was Shelby. After all this time, I still loved her. When I thought of the woman I wanted to grow old with, have children with, it was always Shelby. It wasn’t possible, of course. The three years I’d dated Shelby, she’d never once told me she loved me.
I squeezed my eyes shut. He was right. I’d never told him, even after we’d made love. I’d been afraid that once I said those words, it would all disappear. It was no wonder his fears and insecurities triumphed.
My heart pounded in my chest and I turned to the next page.
But we’d been together nearly three years. Shelby had to have loved me, whether she’d verbalized it or not. If she did once, she could again. I called my sister in Sacramento to see if she could find out anything about her. For all I knew, she’d married and already had four children.
Within a few days, my sister called to give me the news. Shelby was still single and, according to a friend of a friend, dated occasionally. Her relationships never lasted longer than a few months though. She was a successful realtor who in her spare time obsessed with fitness.
All signs pointed to someone who didn’t stay in a relationship because they were still hung up on someone else and who worked off her tension for the same reason. It was a thin hope, but it was hope.
I contacted my realtor in Los Angeles to put my house up for sale and began arrangements to relocate.
For the first time in nine years, I had real hope, a purpose. And now, I embark on my journey. To Shelby. And if she no longer wants me, I’ll wait until she loves me again. As long as it takes.
All that time, he really did love me. I could blow the entire book off as a scheme to con me. But it wasn’t. Deep in my soul, I knew Logan. The boy I remembered didn’t have a con of this magnitude in him.
And the man he’d become had grown into a man I could love forever, would love forever.
I wiped my eyes and checked my watch. It was after eleven and I’d been reading for hours. Would he still be up? Did I care? No, I didn’t. Grabbing my keys, I tore out of the house and jumped into my car. The few miles to his house were excruciatingly painful. With my bad luck in love, he probably already came to his senses and concluded I was a cruel bitch only out to torture him. Who could blame him?