‘Enough, girls,’ I said in my sternest tone. ‘Johanna, don’t tell tales on your sister. You know she’s allowed to go to the café once a week with her friends – she is nearly seventeen after all.’ I could see Greta smile from the corner of my eye. ‘Greta, I know you enjoy your socialising but if you have homework that has to come first.’
She nodded, looking worried again. ‘Sorry, Mutti.’
‘Come on, let’s go home early and leave Otto in peace. I’ll help you with your assignment, Greta, and Johanna, you can tell us all about your athletics over dinner.’
Both girls looked so pleased that I felt a stab of guilt. They needed me more than ever I realised. Even with both grandmothers at home, they still needed me, wanted my attention. I reached for Johanna with one arm, pulled Greta to me as she rose from the chair, and hugged them tightly.
‘I love you both.’
‘We love you too,’ whispered Greta.
‘Come on, Mutti, let’s go home. I’ve got so much to tell you,’ said Johanna, beaming.
*
I was sitting at the big dining table opening the mail one evening when I came across a plain envelope, its front blank – it had been hand-delivered. Karoline was in the kitchen with the girls cleaning up after dinner, Mutti was reading on the lounge and Erich was in the workshop. I opened the envelope.
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU COMMIE NAZI BASTARD, was written on the page in the envelope in large, black capitals.
‘Dear God!’ I whispered. I pushed the chair back, barely making a noise on the lino. Greta’s head appeared in the kitchen doorway.
‘What’s wrong, Mutti?’
I stared up at her, my heart thumping. ‘Nothing,’ I said in a strangled voice. ‘I have to talk to Vati about something, that’s all. Go and help Omi in the kitchen.’
She nodded dubiously.
‘Now, Greta,’ I snapped.
Her face turned from concern to anger as she disappeared from the doorway in a huff.
I picked up the letter with shaking hands and took it to the workshop.
Erich was at my side in an instant. ‘What is it? You’re white as a ghost. Here, sit before you fall down.’ He helped me into the chair and crouched beside me.
‘This came today,’ I said.
Erich frowned and pulled the letter from my grasp. ‘Scheisse!’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘It’s all right. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.’
‘What do you mean? Do you know who’s done this? What kind of crazy person out there wants to do us harm? Our children—’
‘I’ll fix this, I promise.’
‘How can you fix it? It’s too late.’
‘It’s just someone trying to get to me by scaring you,’ he whispered, kissing my forehead.
I pushed him away. ‘Why? What haven’t you been telling me?’
He sat quite suddenly on an upturned bucket, his shoulders hunched. Then he sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. ‘There are a few union members who think I’m a bit too vocal . . . narrow-minded bigots. They promised to make my life difficult if I didn’t stay away from migrant matters.’
‘And you didn’t think to tell me that? After all my concerns?’
‘I didn’t want to worry you and I never thought it would amount to anything.’
I stood, knocking the chair over in my haste, breathing heavily. Erich rose too, eyes wary. ‘I don’t feel safe,’ I said. ‘Do I have to constantly look over my shoulder now and worry about strangers walking towards me or the children?’
‘It’s me they’re trying to intimidate. You know I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.’
‘So you’ll resign from the union? Surely that’s all they really want from you.’ My voice was low and tight with anger.
He shook his head. ‘No. It’s time to take this matter to the police.’
‘What if it doesn’t stop?’
‘Then I’ll follow it up with the proper authorities until it does. It’s just standover tactics. I’ve seen it before, but I’ll do everything to make sure our family is safe.’
I realised then he wasn’t going to stop, even with this threat and the potential risk to our family. On the other hand, I didn’t know if I’d respect him if he did. I was furious that men were trying to manipulate and intimidate Erich, determined to quiet the voice of vulnerable people in search of a better life and to keep the status quo. Should I support him – or walk away for the sake of my family?
I stumbled back to the house and to the inky blackness of our bedroom.
*
But my troubles were far from over. Mutti had had enough. It had been nearly a year since the arrival of Karoline and tensions between them had reached boiling point.
‘She doesn’t even acknowledge me,’ hissed Mutti one Sunday afternoon, flipping through the pages of Woman’s Day. Erich had taken his mother and the girls on a drive to the other side of Sydney to inspect the timber supplies of a merchant on the Northern Beaches. He’d promised the girls an ice cream and a walk along the beach.
‘Well, if you made more effort with her, maybe she would. You’re never home as it is.’
Mutti had developed a number of friendships among the German community but Claudia’s cousin Hilde, our old neighbour Suzanne, and Dr Rodsky, Rudi as she now called him, were among her closest friends. Mutti was even working now, helping Dr Rodsky in his surgery three days a week. As a consequence, Mutti was hardly home and, whenever she was, it didn’t take much for her to become irritated and annoyed.
‘Why would I spend my days here? You and the girls aren’t home and I don’t need to watch your mother-in-law pander to her son while throwing me dirty looks when I’ve not done a thing. When she’s had enough, she has her own room to go to, while I still have the tiny area next to the kitchen. Even you and your children have your own rooms now. I had to put up with living in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing, electricity or hot water, sleeping in the same room as your children for months – which I did happily to support you. I kept an eye on your husband after the accident until he was independent again, which I also didn’t mind. But when news of his mother coming arrived, there was suddenly talk of building plans. I lived through the dirt and chaos of the extensions without complaint but when Karoline arrived, it was she who got the new bedroom.’ Mutti scowled at me, her blue eyes bright with anger. ‘I hardly think it’s fair.’
‘We’ve been over this a thousand times, Mutti,’ I said, banging down the iron more heavily than I needed to. I was tired after a full week and a wedding the night before. The last thing I needed was Mutti whingeing and stirring up trouble. ‘I know your room is smaller and noisy but at least it’s your own private space. Karoline’s much older than you and frail. She sleeps in the afternoon and her room is quieter and there’s less chance of her having a fall. You’re hardly home anyway. One day, when we can afford it, we’ll extend some more and give you a bigger room.’
‘I know she doesn’t approve of my social life or the fact that I’m working. She thinks I should stay home, look after you all and serve you hand and foot. As far as she’s concerned, my life’s over now. I should kiss her son’s feet and be grateful to be living here in squalor and isolation. If only I could change that day when I lost everything on the ship . . . Things would be so different now. Look at what I’ve come to.’
‘Stop, Mutti! It’s not that bad. You’re exaggerating now. She never said those things.’ I picked up a pair of slacks and placed them on the ironing table, wondering how much more of this I needed to put up with until Dr Rodsky arrived to pick her up. He was taking her to the movies to see Cleopatra.
‘Neither of us would be in this situation if you’d married Heinrich. He’s doing well in Germany, an important and influential man within the new Ministry of Health.’
‘I don’t care about Heinrich. But have you thought that maybe neither of us would be in this situation if you’d insured your belongi
ngs?’ I said hotly, pulling savagely at the waistband of the slacks. I hated when she mentioned him. He was ancient history and best left in the past where he belonged.
‘How dare you throw that in my face after everything I’ve done for you! Your husband still can’t support you like you deserve and rather than finding another job, he spends his time off talking about improving the lives of others, migrants like us, but here you are, his own wife, still working like a slave. You’ve been propping him up for years. Tell me how that’s right?’
I hadn’t told Mutti about our troubles with the anonymous letter and thank God I hadn’t, because I would never have heard the end of it. I wanted to throw the iron at her but I placed it carefully down on the table. I wasn’t happy about our situation and I was still terribly angry about the danger Erich had put us in, but that was nobody’s concern but ours.
‘Everything Erich does is for this family. Keep your nose out of our affairs.’
‘Oh, but it is my business,’ said Mutti icily, rising from her chair. ‘You are my daughter. I know about the risk your husband’s putting you and the children in.’
I stared at her, horrified.
‘Yes, that’s right. Hilde told me. She overheard Franz talking about it to Erich. For his own gratification, his own chest-beating, he’s putting his family in danger.’
‘It’s not like that,’ I said, moving calmly away from the ironing table, although I could feel the panic building inside me. ‘You know he wouldn’t do anything that would put us in harm’s way and I’m proud of what he’s doing. He’s the one ensuring a better future for all of us.’ I couldn’t help myself. I had to defend him.
‘All he’ll be remembered for is being a Nazi and a communist!’
‘Look who’s cavorting with a Russian!’ I shouted, losing control. ‘Have you ever thought that maybe you’re the one bringing danger down on our heads? You and Rudi frequent the Russian Club and I’ve heard that it’s a hotbed of communist activity. Why can’t you go to the Concordia Club instead?’
‘Cavorting?’ Mutti and I were nose to nose. ‘I don’t cavort and Rudi would never do anything to place me or you in any danger, unlike your selfish husband.’
‘If you can’t keep your nasty opinions to yourself, I don’t want you here. You can go and find somewhere else.’
‘You wouldn’t dare throw me out!’ bellowed Mutti.
‘You just try me!’
‘You know, you’re right. I don’t know why I’ve put up with this for so long.’ She was breathing heavily, her face red and blotchy with fury. ‘You want me out of your business? Well, that can definitely be arranged. I’ll start looking for my own place tomorrow.’ She turned on her heel and strode to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
I was livid, but mortified by what I’d just done. I had to get out of the house before the situation had a chance to escalate any further, if that was at all possible. I jumped in my car and went into the studio to do some work but all I could think about was the past and the tumultuous relationship I’d always had with my mother. Even when I was a young girl, she’d constantly remind me of our rigid social traditions, impressing on me the importance of upholding our family name, but she didn’t see me, the person I was and so desperately wanted to express. Erich had understood that about me almost immediately. My mother’s interference nearly destroyed our relationship once, but I was damned if she would have the chance again. Whatever I chose to do, it was my decision to make and nobody else’s, and although Mutti’s words had forced me to make the choice, I chose to stand by Erich’s side as he’d always done for me.
When I’d cooled down enough to come home, my mother’s belongings were gone.
16
Later that week, I met Claudia at one of the few coffee shops that sold continental cakes. Mutti hadn’t returned home since our fight but Suzanne had rung me to tell me that she was staying with her until she found her own place. I was conflicted about the situation – I felt guilty and heartless, but I knew I had to be strong and stand my ground. I had decided not to tell Erich about it, only that Mutti was helping Suzanne out for a few days. I didn’t want him to feel responsible for the rift between my mother and me, and besides, some of what Mutti had said rang true, although I could hardly admit it to myself. She had put niggling doubts into my head about the wisdom of supporting Erich’s activities and staying with him. I still hadn’t forgiven him. Claudia was the one person I could tell who would understand.
‘I told my mother to move out on Sunday. I’m tired of her blaming Erich for everything that isn’t to her satisfaction. I know she finds it difficult with Karoline, but she’s hardly home to worry about it.’
‘She’s been spending a lot of time with Hilde this week. I overheard them talking about finding an apartment to rent together. Hilde’s ready to go too. She’s had enough of Onkel Ernst. As have I, to be honest.’
‘You’ve had to put up with a lot. Maybe we should leave them all to their own devices and you and I move out and enjoy ourselves for a change.’
Claudia laughed. ‘Your mother told Hilde that since you don’t need her to look after the children any more, it made sense to move back into Liverpool, closer to work.’
‘Really?’ I sat there flabbergasted that my mother could turn this to her advantage. ‘She might think that this is a great adventure but I’m not so sure how she’ll manage on her small income. You know how much she loves the high life.’
Mutti was desperate to make a new life for herself. She missed the cultural hub of Munich and having everything within walking distance. It was a city thrumming with energy, and there was always something new and exciting to keep her interested. She missed her friends and her old life. She and Rudi had attended the few cultural pursuits that were available in Sydney, such as opera or symphonies, but I worried that it only made her miss what she’d left behind even more. She was never going to try to become Australian, to really forge a new life for herself here. Instead she surrounded herself with her German and European friends, those who enjoyed the finer things in life, who could reminisce about the old days with her. It felt as if she was living in the shadows of her old life.
‘She told Hilde that she and Dr Rodsky were more than friends.’ Hilde worked as a pharmacist’s assistant at the chemist and had introduced Mutti to Rudi, who was now the doctor for both families. Claudia leant conspiratorially across the table. ‘Do you think she loves him?’
I sighed again. How did life get so complicated? ‘All I know is that since they’ve become friends and Mutti’s been making a little money, she’s become a lot more comfortable and confident here. That’s when she started showing her true colours again – she has money and a man behind her and she thinks she can tell me whatever she likes, meddle in my affairs and my marriage. But she tried that once. Never again.’
Claudia grasped my hand across the table and squeezed it in sympathy.
‘I know my mother blames Erich for her being here at all. She misses my father and I understand her frustrations, but she went one step too far . . .’ I leant in towards Claudia. ‘She called him a Nazi and a communist,’ I whispered. ‘I saw red.’
‘He’s neither of those things,’ said Claudia quietly.
‘No, he’s not, and I know she didn’t mean it, but she’s got it in her head that he’s putting us in danger.’ The waitress placed a slice of dark chocolate cake with a luscious dollop of whipped cream in front of me. I stared at it longingly, waiting for our coffee to arrive.
‘And you don’t agree? I know what Franz has been telling you and Erich. Everyone seems to be whipped into a frenzy over the supposed communist invasion of this country.’
I nodded to the waitress as she placed my coffee in front of me. I inhaled, taking in the delicious smell of the dark brew before adding a dash of milk. I thought about how to answer Claudia as I watched her fork cut into the flaky pastry of the apple strudel she’d ordered. It was strange to believe that simple food like th
is had been impossible to find in the suburbs a few years earlier.
‘All right. I’m worried that Erich’s in deeper than he realises. He’s not Martin Luther King, for goodness sake. What if he steps over some invisible line again? Who’s to say that the consequences won’t be more serious next time?’
‘Franz’s activities during the war haunt him, you know.’ I glanced at Claudia in surprise and she nodded. ‘Since joining the firm, he’s begun to tell me about his job as a law clerk during those years. He was helpless to save good people from Nazi prosecution and I think maybe now he can’t bear to see anyone in a precarious and dangerous position as a result of them speaking out against injustice.’ She patted her mouth daintily with the linen serviette. ‘If anything, I think he’s more single-minded than ever since his uncle’s arrived. It’s as if having Onkel Ernst around is a constant reminder of that time. I know that he was Franz’s mentor and found him work after law school, but Franz refuses to say any more than that.’ She looked into the distance. ‘You know, there are times when he seems so on edge that the children and I walk on eggshells around them both.’
‘I’ve noticed it sometimes too. It’s like Franz loves Ernst but hates him at the same time.’
‘That’s exactly what it is. I don’t know how long we can go on like this before Franz reaches breaking point.’
‘Maybe Ernst should move in with Mutti. She’d sort him out quick smart.’
Claudia laughed and I smirked, thinking it was actually a good idea. I tried a mouthful of the cake. It was velvety smooth and sweet with a hint of bitter dark chocolate. Almost as good as the ones back in Germany.
‘Instead, your mother is taking Hilde with her. I don’t blame Hilde for wanting to go. The children are always underfoot, noisy and messy, while Franz and Onkel Ernst constantly try to outdo each other to show who’s in charge. Franz religiously plays an hour of piano every night, it’s his way to relax, and gives each of the children lessons, which only seems to anger his uncle. It’s his only real act of defiance, because we both know that the piano, the house and the law degree were all only possible because of Ernst. I don’t want to ask how, but I know that he could take it all away in a heartbeat. He seems harmless, but if he doesn’t get what he wants . . .’
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