‘Even here in Australia, German culture is recognised as superior,’ he replied.
I frowned in the gathering darkness. That wasn’t what I’d meant. I made a noncommittal noise that he took as agreement.
‘Australia has its charms, but it’s still a provincial backwater. You’ll have to come back to Munich and I’ll take you to the opera, ballet, symphonies, whatever you like. Maybe we can talk about it later,’ he whispered, squeezing my hand.
Australia isn’t a provincial backwater, I thought, annoyed, but the start of the music saved my response. Maybe a few weeks here weren’t enough for him to see the incredible country Australia was, free from the ties of an ancient European past, free to determine and shape its own future. Wild and free, like he thought I was.
I brushed his comments off. Perhaps they had been off-the-cuff remarks made without thinking. I wanted to enjoy this night.
The concert was magnificent, taking me to other worlds and making me feel euphoria and blood-boiling passion then heart-wrenching sadness and the depths of despair. Heinrich sat beside me, steadfast and solid.
Supper after the concert was dreamlike. It was our last night together and we both wanted to make memories we wouldn’t forget. Vintage Bollinger champagne and seafood were an exquisite first course to the main meal we hungered for, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other when we finally made it to the privacy of Heinrich’s suite.
Afterwards, in a haze of satisfaction, Heinrich rolled onto his side to look me in the eye.
‘We have to talk.’
‘Mmm?’ Limp and languid, I wasn’t in any fit state to be thinking, let alone talking.
‘I want to see you again.’
His frank blue gaze forced the cogs of my mind to turn lazily.
‘But you’re going home in a few hours.’
‘I know. Come with me.’
Now I was quite awake and alert.
He held my hand and kissed it. ‘Come home with me. Maybe not tomorrow, but what about after Christmas?’
I stretched, trying to think straight. ‘I could possibly do that – on my way home from Greta in London.’
Another interlude after Christmas sounded tempting, I had to admit, and I was thinking about going back . . . I squeezed my eyes shut. I had to keep Erich and Heinrich separate. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all.
When I opened my eyes, Heinrich was shaking his head, blond locks falling over his eyes. I automatically threaded my fingers through his hair and combed it back from his forehead – just like I used to do with Erich. I removed my hand.
‘No, I mean to stay. Come back to Germany.’
I stilled. ‘I can’t do that,’ I said, frowning with irritation. ‘I have Mutti and Johanna here, the studio and my business. Besides, I have nowhere to go. Mutti sold everything before she came.’
He grasped me by the shoulders, his eyes filled with intensity and excitement. ‘You can set up your own studio in Germany. I know that’s what you always wanted and it will accommodate your new business too. We’ll find the right place together. Your mother and Johanna can join us, of course.’
I pulled away, angry blood surging through my body, making my head throb. ‘Have you been talking to my mother? Has she put you up to this? Because if she has, I want you to know that I’m fine. I can manage on my own.’
Heinrich’s face bloomed red with outrage and the look of hurt in his eyes made me regret my hasty words. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t spoken to your mother since the day after I arrived.’ He sighed and shook his head, attempting to calm down. ‘I know you’re capable of doing anything on your own. That’s not the point. Why manage on your own if you don’t have to? You don’t have to work if you don’t want to. I have a good income and I still have my inheritance. There’s plenty for us to do whatever we want.’
‘Heinrich, I—’
‘I have an apartment, but if you don’t like it, we can find something you’d prefer.’
After everything, I was being offered a way to go back to my old life and to realise my dream of a photography studio. Then there was the thought that Erich had imagined living out his old age in his homeland, perhaps even to his dying day, which tormented me. Maybe I could return with Mutti and fulfil her wish, give my children somewhere to visit and live Erich’s dream. But I’d be doing it with Heinrich.
I shook my head to clear it of the thoughts that tumbled over each other.
‘Are you asking me to move in with you?’ I asked, taken aback by the swift and unexpected direction this evening was taking.
‘Yes, to start with.’ He caressed my cheek, his hand warm against my skin. ‘We can take it slowly and see how we go. I don’t want to push you.’
I turned my head away so he wouldn’t see the tears prickle my eyes. The irony was more than I could bear. ‘What are you asking me, Heinrich?’ I had to hear all of it, know exactly what it was I was considering.
He took a deep breath. ‘I’m asking you to marry me, Lotte.’
This was the third proposal I’d received from him and he was as serious as I’d ever seen him. I could hear Mutti’s voice in my head, rejoicing. ‘Third time lucky!’ she would’ve told me. I was mute. I couldn’t believe this was happening – again.
‘Look how good we are together. You make me happy, and the truth is that I’ve never stopped loving you. But I’m a realist. Don’t give me an answer now. Let’s move in together and see how that works. Rent out your home here until you decide if it’s what you really want. Then we can take the next step.’ He’d obviously learnt over the years how to be practical and pragmatic.
‘What about if you move out here?’ I watched him carefully.
‘You know I can’t do that.’ There was regret in his eyes but stubborn determination too. ‘My children are there, my career is there, my home and my family. It’s impossible.’
I stared at the boldly patterned wallpaper on the wall opposite and said nothing. How much did he love me if he wouldn’t consider my obligations and what I might really want? There had been no discussion and he hadn’t even asked me if moving to Germany was what I wanted. It seemed that nothing had really changed after all. He was the same man I had left for Erich.
‘Come on, Lotte, would you rather stay here, in this backward place? Remember the life you used to have: the culture, arts, fashion; our glorious history. You could have all that again, regain the social status you were born with . . . We could be like this all the time.’ He was persuasive, trailing his fingers down my body and watching me gasp, smiling with supreme self-confidence. He kissed me lightly. ‘Promise me you’ll think about it. Once you’ve decided, I’ll organise the rest so we can be together as soon as possible. I can’t imagine you out of my life ever again.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ I murmured. But I couldn’t think straight with him so near. The offer was tempting in some ways, allowing me to run away and forget all the hardship and heartache I’d endured, leave behind everything that reminded me of Erich and that only brought me fresh waves of pain. Back to a life of luxury and ease, a life my mother so desperately missed.
Heinrich kissed me again with such passion that the past and the future dropped away and I let everything else go.
*
I was a mess after. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I missed the touch of him, the security he’d wrapped around me when I was with him. It was like a cocoon that allowed me to grow and develop free from other influences. Now I felt fragile, vulnerable and conflicted.
In the end, I spoke to Mutti about it at breakfast after another sleepless night. I was spent, my constant thoughts giving me no rest. I couldn’t take it much longer.
‘Why is this such a hard decision?’ she asked, toast with cherry jam lying untouched on her plate. ‘He loves you and wants to give you a good life. What’s so wrong with that?’
‘It’s not that simple.’ I dragged my hands through my unkempt hair. I felt as rudderless and directionless as I ha
d after Erich died.
She shrugged. ‘From what I’ve seen, you don’t dislike him. Perhaps you even love him, although you can’t admit it to yourself. Don’t waste your opportunity to be happy like I did with Rudi.’
‘I don’t know if he’s right for me. He was only supposed to be a distraction.’ I stared into my coffee cup, finding no inspiration there. I knew the answer in my bones, yet I craved security and an end to my struggles. Was that so wrong?
‘How can you say that? He’s offering you everything. You wouldn’t have stayed in Sydney with him for days at a time if he didn’t make you feel something.’
Her exasperation made no difference to me. ‘I don’t know if it’s what I want.’ My eyes felt hot and dry, as if I’d cried all the moisture from my body.
She banged the table hard, her eyes blazing, making me wince. ‘I thought it’s exactly what you wanted. You and Erich were going back. Maybe even to stay one day. What’s changed?’
‘I was doing it with him and for him. Now he’s gone.’ I put my head in my hands. I felt like I was breaking in two.
‘What about for your children and grandchildren? You’ll be able to show them where they come from, show them our traditions.’
‘I can do that without living there, without marrying Heinrich,’ I said through my fingers. Something fell into place and I looked up. ‘These are different times, Mutti, not like when Heinrich and I were first engaged. I can make decisions for myself and not have someone else who thinks they know better make them for me. I can do the things I want to do on my own, as an independent woman.’
Mutti’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I push you because all I want is to see you happy, financially secure and settled, to know you’re well looked after and having a good life. You’re still so young. You’re my darling girl.’ She was trembling like a leaf but there was determination on her face. ‘I only ever wanted the best for you, now as always, and whatever that happens to be – Heinrich or not. I want to give you the world but I can’t. I want to see you happy and comfortable before I die. Otherwise I’ll have failed as a mother.’ She looked beseechingly at me and it tore at my already ragged heart.
I broke then, tears falling silently down my face. I reached for her, hugging her tiny frame tight.
‘Oh, Mutti! I love you.’ I felt as I had as a little child, when I’d run to my mother for comfort. Somehow everything felt better when I was in her embrace.
She drew away after a few moments and wiped my cheeks with a handkerchief she pulled from her sleeve. She smoothed the hair from my face and brow, like I was eight years old again. ‘Think about what makes you truly happy. That’s your answer.’
‘But I don’t know—’
‘I want to see the girl who shone like a light from the inside out. The girl who knew the world was at her feet and that she could do anything. You had so much to give . . .’ She sighed. ‘Vati and I always knew that you were strong and independent and that you’d do whatever you wanted. I was like that too, once.’
‘But the war changed everything,’ I said, thinking not only of what had happened to me but also what had happened to Mutti, who’d lived through two wars.
She nodded and cupped my face in her hands. ‘Now, for the first time, you have nobody to answer to, no small children who need you, and you live in a time of peace. It’s time for you. Do what makes you happy and show the world and your daughters what you’re made of.’ She kissed my forehead like a blessing, a benediction.
‘Really?’ I frowned because she made sense – my controlling, rigid mother made perfect sense.
‘Maybe I was wrong to have pushed you so hard all those years. Rudi helped me understand. But maybe it’s old age too. From my perspective, things look different, and I see what seemed so important when I was younger now isn’t. Just go and be happy and I’ll be happy too.’
I kissed her cheek, a rush of gratitude threatening to make me sob like a child. ‘Thank you.’
Erich was with me as I walked to our boulder by the river, Mutti’s wise words refusing to leave my mind. Be happy. Staring out at the water, I remembered the last time he and I had been here. We were one then, and happy. Now I felt broken, a part of my soul missing, and I didn’t know how to be happy again.
‘How could you have left me?’ I whispered. ‘After everything we’d been through. We were ready for the good times. These should’ve been our best years.’
I crumpled to the ground, fingers clawing at the sandstone until they bled. The pain flowed with my sorrow, powerful sobs racking my frame. I hadn’t allowed myself to really cry after Erich’s death, fearing that the release of my uncontrollable anguish would destroy me completely. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and my grief poured out of me. Suddenly I didn’t care if I dissolved to nothing under the weight of my pain or if I was reduced to an empty husk. Anything would be better than keeping my torment locked in my heart for a second longer.
‘How can I do this without you?’ I said to the open air when my sobs had subsided. ‘You were my world and my life, now I’m spinning like a top, and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to put my shattered heart together again.’
I don’t know how long it was until I raised my head, the rock beneath me warm from my body and soaked with my tears and my despair, but my skin was stippled with gooseflesh and the sun had dropped close to the horizon. I wasn’t empty at all. It was as if the bush around me had absorbed my grief and heartache so they were no longer overwhelming. Hope and light had filled the spaces darkness had left within me. I could now see that it was possible to put the pieces of my heart, my soul and my life back together. It felt good to remember that I had the strength and the support around me to do it.
I no longer felt stuck in limbo. I could see with a clear eye now. The echoes of our past always remained with us but didn’t have to determine our future. Heinrich was my past, but I’d changed so much from the girl he’d known. He was still part of the old world I’d left behind and he’d only stifle me. Finally I was willing to admit to myself that he’d never been the real problem, only a distraction from my pain, from what I knew I needed to do.
I had never doubted Erich’s love but he’d never been able to change like I had. It had caused conflict between us as I struggled to find my place in this new country, where anything was possible. Maybe it was because he was so much older than me and couldn’t shake the deeply ingrained belief that he had to protect me, prove he was worthy of me. But his life in Germany had left an indelible mark on him and he couldn’t walk away from his desire to help others and make Australia a better place.
I loved him anyway. He had been my everything. But now it was time to let him go.
I remembered back to the first time our circumstances had parted us. I had been terrified, alone in this country with its foreign ways and language, left to find my way with the girls, to join him in Sydney. Then there had been the accident and I had to shoulder the responsibility of our family’s survival. I had managed on my own and my family had thrived because of what I’d done. I’d come so far since that day I’d first set foot on Australian soil.
Now the girls were grown and doing well. It was time to stand on my own two feet and live the life I wanted for myself. It was time to look to my future.
‘I love you, Erich,’ I whispered into the sky. I noticed a lone eagle wheeling over the trees, coasting on the currents of air. I wondered where its mate was. Eagles mated for life and pined if their partner died. I knew I wouldn’t die; I had our daughters to guide and love, and Erich wasn’t really far away. I saw him in them.
‘Watch over us, my darling.’
We were Australians. This was my home. Erich and I had fought hard for our place here. Now our children could thrive, their futures bright with opportunity, and they and their children could be and do anything their hearts desired.
The bush and the river were my sanctuary. The smells of the timber, the laugh of the kookaburra and the dazzling beauty of the eu
calyptus flowers were part of me and reminded me that I was home. I wasn’t going anywhere. Mutti was right. It was time for me, time to find what made me shine. Whatever difficulties were ahead, I owed it to myself to work out what the next part of my life held. This was what Karoline had tried to get me to understand.
I thought of the naked woman I’d painted only weeks earlier. It was my favourite work and now I realised why: I was her. I had painted her wanting to become her, and now I had.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered.
I felt as free as the eagle and imagined myself soaring high through the air, over my domain. I was where I belonged.
Epilogue
1976
Canberra
I perched on the edge of the white leather and chrome lounge suite, twirling my eternity ring around my finger and glued to the news on the colour television, mixed emotions washing over me.
I was dressed in a figure-hugging, full-length gown of royal blue jersey silk for the opening night of my first exhibition, photographs and paintings of Australian landscapes and Australians at work, rest and play. I’d closed the photography studio in Manuka early so I could prepare, and we were off to Marco’s restaurant in Barton after to celebrate and share the good news that Johanna and James, now six months married, had been sitting on for a few weeks. They were picking up Mutti, who lived a couple of streets from Marco and me, on their way from the property at Yass. Greta and Jonathan were due to arrive at any moment, having flown in to Sydney from London. I couldn’t wait to have all my family with me under one roof. And Claudia and Franz were meeting us at the gallery along with many of our friends.
‘Are you ready, amore mio?’ Marco, impeccably dressed in suit and tie, his shiny black shoes clicking loudly across the timber floors, stopped at the sight of me and frowned. I’d met him about eighteen months earlier, through Marissa, a friend I’d made at art class. I hadn’t expected to fall in love again, but the loss of Erich and my interlude with Heinrich had taught me to open myself to living life fully. Life was too short, as the girls and Mutti had reminded me.
Suitcase of Dreams Page 34