by S. Brent
It was the middle of the day on a Saturday. All the chairs at Dirty Ink were full and there was more than one person hanging out in the lobby waiting for their slot. We were busy. It was great. It gave me a much needed distraction. Although it wasn’t the great distraction that I’d hoped for. I still found ways to see Pru in everything I was doing. I was pathetic.
I was currently doing a floral tramp stamp on this chick. It was her first tattoo. It reminded me of Pru in so many ways. I did her first and only tat. Both had flowers, although Pru weighed a good hundred pounds less than this chick and was a zillion times hotter. I was still able to make a connection despite myself.
Everything always came back to Pru.
The shop was loud: people were chatting, music was blaring, the hum of the guns, and the phone was ringing. I tried to lose myself in my work, in the shop, in the noise, anything to keep me out of my own head.
I had thrown myself into my work. I had been to every tattoo show possible. It was either that or spend more quality time with my friend, tequila, who was proving time and time again was not actually my friend.
“Hey big brother,” Skyla said as she rolled a stool over to sit next to me while I worked.
“Hey,” I said not looking over at Skyla even though I knew she was staring a hole in the side of my head. She didn’t agree with how things ended between Pru and me. Once I told her the whole story she had hit me and called me an ass. I couldn’t disagree with her. I was an ass. It just proved even more why I didn’t deserve her.
Pru was one of her best friends so I knew this was hard on her.
“How you doin’?” she asked.
“Peachy,” I snapped. I broke up with the love of my life. How did she think I was? I was crankier than normal. I was depressed and hurting and angry all the time.
“Good to hear,” she said completely ignoring my sarcasm. I knew she hadn’t missed it though. Both of us grew quiet. I had nothing to say to her. I wanted to ask about Pru but I didn’t want to know. Sometimes I wish she’d just volunteer the information so I could know without actually having to ask. Then I could be mad at her for however it made me feel afterwards but that wasn’t going to happen because she never volunteered any information about her.
“Why don’t you answer when she calls?” Skyla asked, never one to beat around the bush. She didn’t have to explain who she was. I fought the urge to comb my fingers through my hair.
“I have nothing to say to her,” I said. That wasn’t entirely true. I had a ton of things I wanted to say. I’m sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. I’m an ass. I’m miserable without you. Please take me back.
“Well, maybe she has something to say to you, hence why she calls,” Skyla informed me.
“No good could come out of me answering her calls,” I snapped and turned to glare at my sister who was twisting on her stool but didn’t back down from my glare.
“You should talk to her,” she said, ignoring my glare, most people crumbled under my glare. She didn’t even flinch just met my gaze eye to eye, perfectly calm, and refusing to let me bait her so we could fight and I could be mad at her too.
“Why?”
She didn’t answer just stared back at me.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire shop, except for the music, even most of the guns stopped working. So naturally I turned to see what had silenced everyone. I had already stopped working to glare at Skyla. What was one more distraction?
I turned on my stool and found my father standing in the center of the lobby looking every part the rock star.
His face was hard. He lived a life full of drugs, booze, and hard nights and it showed. His rock and roll lifestyle had definitely taken its toll physically. It showed.
His shoulder length brown hair was straight covered with a white fedora. He had on a black tank top that revealed several tattoos and a white, silky, scarf that had some sort of black design on it. His jeans looked like they were painted on and his shoes were patent leather mini boots or something. He looked ridiculous. He looked like he belonged on a stage somewhere, like a rock star.
What the hell was he doing here? The sight of him angered me to the point that I had no words. I clenched my jaw and glared at him. What the hell could he possibly want? Was this just a bizarre coincidence? Or had he finally decided to make an appearance in my life after twenty-four years? Give me a break.
I didn’t care who he was, father or not, rock star or not. I was busy. I turned around and went back to my client. I had a tramp stamp to finish.
I heard life slowly come back to the tattoo shop and a few people asked him for his autograph. I wanted to gag or maybe throw something at him. I hated him more than I knew was possible. I wanted him the hell out of my shop.
You’d think after hearing my mother’s story that I would cut him some slack but no such luck. I think I hated him more because of it.
I saw Skyla get up and walk away out of the corner of my eye probably to go talk to her dad. She was actually good enough for him to publically acknowledge.
I took my time on the tramp stamp and finally finished up, sending her on her way, when Jonas approached my station.
“Daddy’s here,” he informed me while he watched me clean up. For me?
“I noticed.” I didn’t look back at my dad. I stayed focused on my station and the job at hand. I was purposely not looking at him.
“He asked for you,” Jonas informed me. Fabulous. He was actually here to see me.
“I’m busy,” I forced out between clenched teeth. He had ignored me for my entire life. I was going to ignore him.
“No you’re not. I looked. You have no more appointments for the day. You could do a walk-in but you need a break. Talk to your dad Lincoln. Hear what he has to say,” Jonas said as he headed off for his own station. What the hell?
I finally turned to look at my dad. He was sitting in the lobby area with few clients drooling over him. I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a deep breath.
Skyla was nowhere in sight she must have taken off. She hated her connection with him. I found it kind of ironic. She hated her connection with him and I had wanted nothing more my entire life. Now that he was here, I just wanted him gone.
I wanted him out of my shop. I guess the easiest way to do that was to talk to him, see what he wanted then send him on his way.
The only good part of him being here was I wasn’t currently thinking about Pru.
I headed over to him and when he saw me coming his way he stood up.
I walked right up to him and we stood toe to toe, eyeing each other. He was taking me in. I was more or less giving him the stank eye.
“Can we talk?” he asked politely. I wanted to say no but for some reason Pru popped into my head pushing me to talk to him. I could hear her voice in my head. Just listen to what he has to say.
So much for not thinking about Pru.
“I guess,” I said. “Not here.” I didn’t need his drama in my work place.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he suggested so that’s what we did. I called to Jonas that I was out and followed my father out the door of the shop. Thankfully his groupies didn’t join us.
We walked for a long time and neither of us spoke. I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from running them through my hair. What do you say to your father who you resent? A man that had never taken the time to speak to you before? I thought about it several times and then I finally get the chance to let him have it and I’m speechless.
He finally stopped and sat on a bench I fell down next to him, kind of. We were sitting on complete opposite ends of the bench. Any farther and I would be sitting on the ground.
“Your mother called,” he started after a few more awkward moments of silence. He stretched out so his arm was resting on the back of the bench and his legs were extended in front of him, crossed at the ankle. He looked perfectly at ease. Me not so much. My elbows were resting on my knees, my hands clasped together between my legs as I
watched him.
“So mom calls and you just rush over suddenly?” I asked and ran my fingers through my hair. I was ready to tell him to shove it and walk off.
He smiled like he knew I was about to blow.
“She told me I was allowed to speak to you now that you knew the truth and had for a long time.” He went on. Allowed? Had he been forbidden?
“Maybe I should start and at the beginning and get to my point,” he offered with a small smile.
“Okay,” I agreed. I was more than mildly curious as to what he had to say.
“I loved your mother and part of me always will. When we met in high school I would have done anything for her.” He smiled at something, like he was lost in a memory. “When I hit it big I wanted to stay together and try to make things work. We did for a while and then she cut me loose, said it was just too hard. I wanted to take her on the road with me but she didn’t want to go. I let her go because that’s what she wanted. I always gave her what she wanted. I always thought we’d get back together someday.
“I was single, on the road, and enjoyed it. Later when I finally returned home I sought out Dora. And imagine my surprise when I found her with you. I did the math. You could have been mine. I questioned her on it. She admitted you were. I was angry. We yelled at each other and eventually I stormed off.
“I was a father and she hadn’t even bothered to tell me. I would have married her, taken care of her and you but she didn’t even tell me. I had plenty of money and I still loved her.
“I went back the next day, with a ring and proposed. I was willing to forgive her. I loved her. I wanted us to be a family but she told me no. She claimed that I didn’t have room in my life for a wife and baby. She said there was no room in my lifestyle for the two of you. What kind of life would that be for you?
“I was pissed. We fought again. I promised her I could change. I’d been faithful to her once and I could do it again. I wanted to buy you guys a big house and take care of you, take you guys on the road but she refused claiming she had to do what was best for you.
“I tried to see you a few times but you guys were never around. I made it my goal to prove to her that I had changed, that I wanted this. Then she showed up one night and asked me to stop, to stay away. She didn’t want this rock-and-roll lifestyle for you and refused to let it ruin you. I reluctantly agreed. I’d do anything for her. I never could tell her no.
“A few months later I married Lottie.” Lottie Peninsula was his wife. She was a one hit wonder. She had one song that went big then she fell off the face of the earth. Her current claim to fame was that she was Russell Kole’s wife.
“I think I did it to prove to your mother that I could do it. We had Talon and Jax but I was never faithful to her. I told myself that maybe I would have been to your mother but I wasn’t with Dora so who knows.” He shrugged like his infidelities were no big deal. “And Talon and Jax were always in the spotlight. Everything they did was under the eye of the media. And it’s effected who they have become as people.” He shrugged again. No big deal, just messed up my kids’ lives.
“So your mother was probably right. It was for the best that I didn’t claim you. Even my illegitimate children that I have claimed have had rough lives. You know Skyla I noticed.” I just nodded. I knew Skyla there was no reason to deny it.
“But I didn’t always stay away. I went to everything I could. I saw you play soccer, baseball, I went to a few of your art shows, and track meets in high school.”
“You came to things?” I asked skeptically. Even before I knew he was my father I would have known if Russell Kole showed up at my little league game.
“Yeah, your mother knew and scowled at me the whole time. I used to wear tennis shoes,” he cringed at the thought. “And a hoodie pulled up over my head and kind of lurk in the back.”
“Like a creepster?” I asked and he nodded with a smile. I remembered him. We used to laugh at the creepy guy that lurked around sometimes. I remember my mom scowling at him. I just figured it was because he screamed pedophile.
I didn’t know what to do with this information. My father hadn’t abandoned me like I thought. My mother had forced him to. She kept me a secret from him and then kept him a secret from me. In his strange way he did what he did in an effort to protect me and he did check in on me. I ran my fingers through my hair again.
“So look I’m not here so we can instantly bond and shit but I would like to be a part of your life. You know you have six siblings: two sisters and four brothers. Skyla, you know, Talon, Ryder, Jax, Wulf, and Mackenzie. Maybe you’d like to get to know them. I don’t know. Your mom called and said that you know so I could talk to you, so here I am, trying to take the first step.”
I nodded. I didn’t know what to do or say. It was easier when I could just hate him.
“Well, here’s my number. Please don’t give that out. And all the other info you’d need to contact me if you want to. And info in case you want to just talk to your siblings.” He stood up and shrugged.
“See ya around kid,” he said and started to walk down the street.
“Bye,” was all I managed to get out.
I sat on the bench awhile longer. I had no idea what to do with this. For years I had been so angry with my father because he abandon me, letting me be the one kid he didn’t claim but it hadn’t really been his choice. He could have fought for me but he saw some sort of wisdom in my mother’s logic. And he hadn’t completely deserted me. He had made an appearance from time to time, even if I didn’t know it. Essentially it was my mother’s fault that I didn’t have a father growing up and that was hard to swallow.
My mother was doing what she thought was right. What was best by her son. I didn’t know what was worse, living fatherless or the kind of life that I knew my siblings had. I watched as so much of their lives had been pasted on the cover of tabloids.
I was numb to it all. I shoved the paper in my pocket and headed back to the shop. I didn’t know if I’d call or not but I was going to keep the number in case.
I hadn’t called or seen my mother since I’d talked to her that day in her shop. She kept calling after I left. I text her and told her I would be fine but I needed a little space to process everything. I still need that space now, even more so. I had always seen my mother as a victim, as the scorned woman when that hadn’t really been the case but I had to respect the fact that she was doing what she thought was best for me.
I finally got the distraction I’d been wanting from Pru and I wasn’t sure I still wanted it because all it had done was make me miss her more. I needed her right now. She’d listen while I talked about it without judging or only caring about the fame this could bring her. All I wanted to do was call her and tell her what happened but I didn’t. She didn’t need my baggage.
My life had taken another dramatic turn. I was single, missing the love of my life, my mother had lied to me for years and kept my father away, and my father wanted to be part of my life. I had wanted that all my life and now that it was a possibility I didn’t know if it was what I truly wanted. It didn’t seem so important any more. My dad’s attention no longer seemed important. The only person I was truly craving in my life was Pru and I had lost her due to my own stupidity.
Chapter 16
Prudence
My parents had summoned me. My father’s secretary called and informed me that my presents had been requested. Her words not mine. I was annoyed that they just couldn’t call me themselves but I should be used to it by now. The only time they had called me was right after Lincoln and I broke up and that was so we could discuss my future. I was sure they wanted to make sure their mission had been successful and Lincoln and I had parted ways. I hadn’t answered a single call.
I don’t know why I still let them get to me. Lincoln was right. I had to start living my life for me and not them. I had to stop letting them control me and stop fearing their reactions when I made my own choices.
He was right. If they
couldn’t love me for me then fuck them.
As hard as it was I saw his point.
I planned to inform them of my choices today. I was not transferring schools to be a doctor. I did not want to be a doctor. I already graduated college to be a teacher. I was going to be a teacher. I was going to stay in the general Sacramento area and I was having a baby out of wedlock with man they had run off.
They were going to flip.
I drove all the way to our family home on the outskirts of San Francisco. I spent the entire drive preparing my speech. I just hoped I was able to get it out without crumbling like I always did when it came to them.
When I pulled up to the house I expected to find it vacant, maybe just my parents. But the entire drive was packed. There was a valet standing in front of the house, prepared to park my car but I drove strait to my spot in the garage. They had summoned me to something. They were hosting some sort of event and clearly needed to parade me around. Yay. Why had I expected anything different?
This was not the type of situation I wanted to confront them in. Change of plans, make a brief appearance and get out. I could talk to them later, or maybe never.
I got out and went in search of them. The house was crowded. There were people everywhere, some I recognized, some I didn’t. At least I was dressed appropriately, in my loose fitting dress and heels. The theme seemed to be causal snob. I fit right in.
A few people stopped me to say hello or congratulate me. On what, I wasn’t sure because I knew my parents hadn’t told these people that I graduated from a state school. I just thanked them and moved on.
I finally found my parents standing on the veranda, sipping champagne, chatting with people I didn’t know.
“Oh Prudence,” my father called with his fake smile in place. My mother leaned in and air kissed my cheek but managed to not actually touch me. “I was just telling Mr. Thomas about your transfer to Stanford for the fall,” my father informed me.
My temper finally took over when everything kicked into place. I had been summoned because this party was for me. Somehow they had managed to get me enrolled at Stanford without my participation. Normally I would have just made a non-committal statement but my emotions were all over the place these days thanks to the pregnancy so I just went with it.