by Dee J. Stone
“Rosie—” Mom starts.
“I don’t want anyone over.”
Mom and I exchange a glance. Her shoulders sag. So do mine.
Dad joins us and Mom brings the food to the table. It looks like vegetable soup for the first course, and roasted chicken and French fries for the second. When Rosie sees the French fries, her eyes brighten. It’s one of her favorite foods.
“Did you look into it, Jack?” Mom asks Dad.
He scoops some soup with his spoon and brings it to his lips. “We’re not discussing this anymore.”
“Jack…”
“Drop it, Lisa.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
Their eyes fasten on Rosie and me like they forgot we’re sitting here. “Nothing, honey,” Mom says.
Rosie’s eyes are wide as her gaze travels from one parent to the other.
“Are you guys okay?” I ask.
“Yes,” they both say, maybe a little too fast. Is this about the surgery?
I nod and continue eating. The room is quiet. I don’t want to get myself down, but I can’t help but wonder if things really are okay between my parents.
We continue most of the meal without a lot of conversation.
When he’s done, Dad marches out of the room, not thanking Mom for dinner like he usually does. Rosie and I finish our dinner as well, and I take our dishes to the sink. Standing there, I close my eyes and breathe in, letting the air out slowly. This feels like a month ago, when my family was falling apart. I fought so hard to keep us together. Maybe I’m overreacting a little, maybe acting paranoid, but it really scares me.
“TeenNick tonight?” I ask Rosie.
She nods enthusiastically.
After I wheel her to the TV and get her settled on the couch, I go up to my room, falling down on my bed. I fish my cell phone out of my pocket and scroll through my texts. Nothing from Cruiser. I puff out some air. Whenever I felt down or needed someone to talk to, Cruiser was there. We didn’t need to talk about what was bothering me—it was enough to just hear his voice. But now that he can’t really talk, I feel lost.
I dial Dani.
She picks up after the third ring. “Wow. I almost didn’t recognize the name on the screen.”
I groan. “I know. We really need to hang out more often.”
“Totally agree. So what’s up?”
“I don’t know. I feel blah.”
“Had days like that. Does it have anything to do with Cruiser punching the living hell out of that Jake guy?”
I wince. A part of me hoped only I’d blown the whole thing out of proportion. But if Dani agrees that it was quite a punch, it doesn’t make me feel so good.
“He’s not Jimmy,” she says, as if reading my mind.
“How do you know?” I whisper.
She sighs. “Well, I can’t say for sure. But from what it seems, he’s nothing like the jackass. Cruiser’s a good guy.”
“I know. But…there’s still so much I don’t know about him. I know we’ve both been working through our problems and coming to terms with the accident and our guilt, but…I don’t know. I guess I’m just scared.”
Dani’s quiet for a few seconds. “You think you’re worried about something deeper, something that has nothing to do with Cruiser punching the guy?”
My clutch on my phone tightens. “What do you mean?”
“You guys have been going out for a month. That’s a big deal. It’s getting pretty serious.”
“I know he’s the right guy for me, Dani. I don’t want anyone else.”
“That doesn’t mean it makes it any easier for you. Commitment…it’s a big deal.”
I puff out some air. “I can’t help but wonder…what if I don’t match up to his expectations? Cruiser’s been with a lot of girls. I’ve only had one boyfriend. What if he realizes I’m not interesting enough?”
“You’re not boring, Lex.”
“He broke my heart once. What if he does it again?” I run my hand through my hair. “I’ve been through this last time. I told myself I can trust him, and I really do. But there’s always this thing prickling the back of my head. That maybe Cruiser will break my heart again. I don’t know if I’m ready to give myself to him one hundred percent. And I feel like such a jerk because I know he’s given himself one hundred percent to me. And now with the fight at school, I can’t help but wonder if…I don’t even know what I’m saying. Sorry, I’m not making any sense.”
“No, I get it. The more you get to know a person, the more you learn about him. That includes the bad along with the good. The question is, can you handle the bad?”
“Of course. I accept him wholeheartedly. All of him.”
“Are you sure?”
Tears well up in my eyes. Hanging out with Cruiser is fun. Making out with him is great. But being emotionally invested in another person is a pretty scary thing. We’re young and have lots of time to figure these things out, but my relationship with Cruiser is moving really fast. Is it possible I’m not ready? I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But maybe it’s too soon.
I can’t imagine not being with him, though. I don’t know what to do.
“You don’t have that problem with Simon?” I ask.
Again, she’s quiet for a little bit. “I don’t know. I don’t think I have such a deep, emotional connection with him yet. I mean, we’re very open and honest with each other and try to tell each other everything, but I’ve only known him for a few weeks. I don’t have all that extra baggage you have with Cruiser. And you have a lot of baggage. The accident, Rey, your friendship when you were younger. It’s hard to have a clean slate with him.”
She’s right. It’s easy to start fresh with a new guy and not have to deal with any past drama. But I wouldn’t give up Cruiser for anything. I guess it makes my relationship with him more difficult than it would be if I was with another guy.
“The question you have to ask yourself, Lex, is do you accept Cruiser—every part of him? That means the good, the bad, the ugly, and the mega ugly. And if you do, you have to ask yourself if you’re ready for this. It’s okay to admit you’re not. With everything that happened these past two years, it’s understandable if you need to take a break. Cruiser loves you. He’ll wait for you.”
“I don’t want to let go of him. I don’t think he could bear it, either.”
“Okay. Then be honest and open with him. Tell him how you feel. If you guys have open communication, he’ll understand where you’re coming from and hopefully will be able to put your mind at ease.”
I soak in her words. Cruiser understands me, and I understand him. We try to talk about our feelings as much as possible, but I think we’re both too afraid to hurt each other because we don’t want to lose each other again.
“Thanks, Dani. As always, you gave me a lot to think about.”
“Glad to be of service. Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
I hang up and stare at the ceiling. No more holding back. Cruiser and I need to be one hundred percent open with each other, even if it means having to talk about subjects that might open up old wounds.
But I’ll wait until after his suspension. He’s got enough on his plate right now.
Chapter Twenty-One
Cruiser
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but being suspended from school sucks ass.
True I’ve been suspended before I went to New York, but I didn’t give a crap about school back then. It’s different now. I’m trying to pick up my damn grades and now I’m falling behind.
I slam my psychology textbook shut and push away from the desk. My chair brings me to the window. I pull the curtain aside and peer out. I miss Lex like crazy. I’ve been out of school for four days, and we haven’t talked much or seen each other. I can’t get her horrified face out of my head. I always manage to hurt the people I care about.
I shake my head to throw away the thoughts. Gotta forget about this and move on. Hop
efully, I’ll be able to talk to Lex later today and make things right. I drag myself back to my desk.
An hour later, my door opens and Rey walks in. Drops a stack of papers on my desk.
I grunt. “All that for me?”
“Yep.”
More work. Things were easier when I didn’t give a crap about my grades.
I expect Rey to leave, but he sits down on my bed. Twiddles his thumbs, staring at his lap. I put my pen down. “You okay?”
He raises his head. “I feel like crap, Cruise.”
I wave my hand. “Don’t worry about it.”
“You’re suspended because of me. I want to tell Principal Cameron the truth.”
I scoot closer to the bed. “Ain’t no use in doing that. You want them to know you were doing drugs? You’ll get kicked out. Ruin your future. Me? I don’t have a future. Not like you. I’ll end up working in some gas station or something.”
“That’s not true. You can be successful one day. I’ll be the one working in a gas station.”
“Rey—”
He holds up his hand. “Let’s not talk about it.” He wrings his hands together. “I always do this to ya, Cruise. Screw up and you take the blame. The joint last month, picking me up from Wolf’s party and taking me up to my room before Mom and Dad found out I was wasted. You’re a good brother to me. I’m such a dick.”
“You’re not a dick, Rey. People make mistakes. It happens.”
“But why are you so cool about taking the fall for me?”
He doesn’t get what he means to me. Only a few people in this world know me well. Him, Lex, and Gran and Gramps. Like the lame school guidance counselor said, I don’t open up to people. Never really have. If I lose Rey, I lose a part of me. It’s more than being brothers. Being twins.
“I’ve been there, Rey. Been down that road. You don’t want to go there. Trust me. Someone’s gotta look out for you, bro.”
He stares down at his lap. Doesn’t say anything.
“Rey.”
He gets up. “Got homework to do.”
I stare after him. Wish I knew what was going on in his head. I never had problems understanding him in the past. I wish he would stop making stupid choices. I wish he would learn from my mistakes.
After a few minutes of tackling my psychology homework, I hear Rey shouting. I shut my book and head downstairs.
His hands are in the air, yelling at Dad. Dad’s got an empty suitcase. He storms to his room.
“What the hell?” I ask.
Rey whirls around to face me. “Dad’s moving out.”
“What?” Rey and I dash to my parents’ room. Dad throws the suitcase on his bed and unzips it. We stare at him. Both of us don’t seem to be able to talk or move.
Finally, I force myself to say, “What the hell, Dad?”
He doesn’t answer, just opens his drawers and dumps clothing into the suitcase.
“Why are you leaving?” Rey asks.
Dad pauses at the bottom drawer. He stands and turns to us. “I’ve had enough of your mother.”
I gape at him. Dad’s always been quiet about everything. Never stood up to his parents, never stood up to Mom. He’s always taken the back seat. Except for last month when he and I had that talk about the Navy. I’m not saying he’s weak. It’s just his personality. Is he trying to tell us he’s been unhappy all these years? Couldn’t take Mom all this time?
Rey’s jaw drops. “What are you talking about? Where’s this coming from?”
He takes in a deep breath and lets it out. “Boys, you need to accept this.” He goes back to packing. That’s all we’re gonna get? That we need to “accept” this?
“But what happened?” I ask.
He doesn’t say anything, just continues to dump things into his suitcase.
Rey’s still gawking at Dad, his jaw hanging low. We’re not going to get answers from him. At least not now. I grab Rey’s shirtsleeve and pull him out of my parents’ room, all the way to the living room. I push him down on the couch and drop near him.
His gaze is glued to the TV screen. He looks frozen. I’m so concerned for Rey that I’m not thinking about myself, what I’m feeling. Geez, Mom and Dad separating? Getting divorced. What the hell is up with that?
“I’m calling Mom.” Rey reaches for his cell phone. “This has to be a mistake.” A few seconds pass before he hangs up. “No answer. Where the hell is she?”
“I think she had a dentist appointment.”
Rey covers his face and moans. “I feel like I’m ten and crying that my parents are separating.”
I thump him on the back. “Doesn’t matter how old you get. You never want your parents to split.”
He lowers his hands. He’s got tears in his eyes. “You think they’re gonna split? I mean, maybe Dad’s going through some mid-life crisis.” His eyes pop open wide. “You think Mom cheated or something?”
“No. ‘Course not.” Not that I can know for sure.
He digs his elbows into his thighs, resting his chin on his palms. “This is screwed up.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I take Rey’s stance. Puff out some air. This is screwed up. I’ve got too much going on in my life. Rey and his identity crisis, worrying if things are cool between Lex and me, my having to work hard to pick up my grades. I’m not sure what I want out of life, what my future holds. All this can make anyone explode.
We sit in silence. I hear Dad moving around his room. Opening and closing drawers. This feels like a dream. A nightmare.
Rey stands. “I’m not just gonna sit back and let him ruin our lives.”
He marches to Dad’s room. I push my fingers through my hair and curse under my breath.
I get up and leave the house.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lex
Someone knocks on my bedroom door. I say, “Come in.”
A tall guy with broad shoulders steps inside. I jump out of my chair and throw myself into his arms. Cruiser buries his face in my neck. It feels so good to be in his arms again.
But his arms are not their usual strong selves. I step back and look at his face. It’s clouded with so many emotions. Relief, pain, worry. I bring my hand to his cheek. “Cruise,” I say softly.
He pulls me to his chest and tightens his arms around me. “Damn, I missed you.”
“Me, too.”
He puts his hands on my waist and lowers me to the bed, where he sits down near me. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Are you upset with me?”
“Of course not.”
He looks a little relieved, but there’s still unease behind his eyes. He slides his fingers through mine. “My dad’s moving out.”
I blink at him. “What?”
“He’s packing right now.”
I hug him. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t take it, T. Rex,” he mutters against my cheek. “So much going on. Too much stress.”
“I’m here, Cruise. I’m here.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No thanks, darlin’. I just want to hold you.”
And I let him. For five minutes, ten, I don’t really know. I keep my arms around him and comfort him as best as I can. He tries so hard to be tough, but he’s so sensitive inside. I wish I could chase away all the pain.
“Wish we could run away,” he says. “Somewhere we can be together and be happy. Not have to deal with any shit going on in our lives.”
I nod. “I wish that, too. But we have people in our lives who need us. Rosie needs me, and Rey needs you.”
“Rey,” he mumbles.
I pull back a bit so I can meet his eyes. “What about him?”
He shakes his head.
I press my hand to his cheek. “Talk to me.”
He shakes his head again. “I…I can’t.”
“Why?”
“He keeps screwing up. I feel like a parent, having to take care of him and get him out of sticky situa
tions.” He shoves some hair out of his eyes. “Damn, I wish he’d pull his shit together.”
“Does that have anything to do with the fight at school?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Cruise—”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me. You punched a guy. Do you know how much that scared me?”
His eyes slowly trek to mine. He looks down. “I know.”
“What’s going on with Rey? Whatever it is, it’s having a big effect on you.”
He shuts his eyes, nodding.
I push some stray strands of hair off his forehead. “Tell me.”
His eyes crack open. “I can’t, T. Rex.”
“Why can’t you?”
“I need…I need to protect him.”
“Protect him from what?”
He’s quiet.
“From me?”
“No. I just need to protect him.”
I gently free myself from his hold and stand up. “I understand that, but you don’t need to protect him from me. I’m your girlfriend and he’s my friend.”
He won’t meet my gaze. “I don’t think he’d want you to know.”
Betrayal stabs me. “He wouldn’t want me to know?”
He stands up and holds out a hand. “Some things are a secret, Lex. And sometimes I need to keep those secrets hidden, even from you.” His voice cracks when he says the last bit.
Now tears of betrayal attack my eyes. “We said we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.”
“I know. But some things—”
“I won’t tell anyone. You know you can trust me.”
“I know I can—”
I turn my back on him and cover my face. “I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.”
“You’re forcing me to choose between you and my twin brother.”
I spin around to face him. “I’m forcing you? All I want is for you to tell me what’s going on because you’re obviously very upset. And you punched a guy. You broke his nose. I…I need to know.”
He rakes his hands through his hair, pursing his lips.
I try to fight the tears, but they win and rush down my cheeks. I wipe them away. His entire face softens and he reaches for me, but I step back. “There will be a time when I’ll have to come before Rey. I understand that right now he needs you. But there will be a time when I’ll need you more.”