Mrs. Rasmussen sat calmly in her rocker.
“I told you,” she said quietly.
“Well! Let’s have it! Gimme my tongue-lashin’! I can take it.” The captain stood waiting for the storm to break.
“Gawd,” Mrs. Feeley hugged him violently, “ain’t gonna bawl you out. We’re too glad to see you.”
“Did you run into Velma and Sunshine?” Miss Tinkham said. The captain shook his head.
“Cat got your tongue?” He smiled at Mrs. Rasmussen.
“You feelin’ all right?” She got up and took hold of his arm to make sure.
“Finest kind. Been down Guaymas way. You didn’t go to blow my boat outa the water, but I’d had a bait of it. When somethin’ happens to a man’s boat, a feller goes off his noggin’.”
Mrs. Feeley looked at Miss Tinkham and then at Mrs. Rasmussen.
“You ain’t et,” she said. “We got news for you.”
“This place has got a kinda magnetic attraction for me,” he said. “Sunshine makin’ out all right?”
“As nearly all right as any woman can be,” Miss Tinkham tried to keep her voice impersonal, “when the man she loves chooses to ignore her existence.”
“What good is it when you know you can’t do ennathin’ about it?” The captain bent over to pick his cap up off the floor.
“Dear Captain,” Miss Tinkham could restrain herself no longer, “you can do something about it! If you care to roust out a justice of the peace, you can marry Sunshine in Mexico tonight. Assuming, of course, that she is still interested.”
Captain Dowdy stared at her.
“The heat’s got you.”
“Chartreuse has divorced you and married Ethelbert,” Miss Tinkham said. “What do you think of that?”
“It’s a goddam lie.”
“No it ain’t, Tooner. Velma seen the marriage lines an’ the divorce paper,” Mrs. Feeley said.
“They’re fake,” he said with finality. “Can’t get no divorce without the husband bein’ notified or signing a paper.”
“That’s what you think,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Miss Tinkham here told her how.”
The captain seemed to freeze. He sat forward and stared at her for a moment.
“This ent possible,” he said. “Would you mind lettin’ me have it in words of one syllable?”
“Velma and I sold Ethelbert on a fortuneteller called Madam Gazza.”
“It was Miss Tinkham,” Mrs. Rasmussen said, “done up like a fat woman in the front bus. Her own ma wouldn’t know her.”
“I told Ethelbert,” Miss Tinkham said, “that if he didn’t want to lose out on what he really deserved, he must marry Chartreuse.”
“Get to the divorce,” Tooner rasped.
“Chartreuse was jealous and followed him here, expecting to find him in a love nest with Velma,” Miss Tinkham said. “I gave her a reading and told her she must marry Ethelbert if she wanted happiness and prosperity.”
“Where does the divorce come in?”
“Gently does it.” Miss Tinkha”I held her hand up. “I made her promise to ask you for the divorce in a straightforward manner. When she went to see you about it, you had left.”
“Then it ent legal,” he shouted. “I didn’t have a chance to protest.”
“Oh yes, it is,” Miss Tinkham said. “I didn’t put my eyes out over those law books without being sure it was legal. I merely pointed out to Chartreuse that, as a citizen, a legal resident of Arizona, bona fide, if you please, she could start divorce action against you by a process known as citation by publication.”
“Never heard of it!” Elisha Dowdy snapped.
“I read of a case in the papers several years ago. One year’s residence in the state; six months in the county. Velma’s lawyer satisfied us as to the legality of the action, and I gave Chartreuse step-by-step instruction.”
The captain’s mouth was a thin line.
“Too bad you can’t be my mouthpiece when I’m up for the murder I’m plannin’.”
“Being a legal resident. Chartreuse could start the action to divorce her husband under one of three conditions: in case her husband was not a resident of Arizona, if her husband was a transient person, or in case she did not know the legal place of residence of her husband. You fitted all three, my dear.”
“She knew where the boat was. I’ll have it set aside! Fraud. Perjury, too!”
“Not so fast.” Miss Tinkham pulled out a letter. “I forced her to do the job ethically.”
“She never done an ethical thing in her life!”
“But you sailed away for parts unknown without leaving a forwarding address. Here is the returned letter, unopened, as you can see. Captain Elisha Dowdy, Schooner South Wind, City Yacht Basin…must I go on?”
“You must,” he said grimly.
“By making her mail you the letter containing a copy of the citation she was publishing in the paper, she fulfilled the law perfectly and completely. After it was returned, I made her send it, unopened, to me for safekeeping so that no one can ever break your divorce by claiming fraud. I am in possession of the proof that it was done legally.”
“Good God in heaven,” Captain Dowdy prayed, ‘have mercy on me!”
“In the Arizona weekly newspaper, Chartreuse advertised for four consecutive weeks that you were thereby notified of the action being taken against you. Thirty days after the last publication of the notice, service was complete and she could go ahead and get her decree. It didn’t take long after that. They were married almost at once.” Captain Dowdy sat like a man having his head shaved for the electric chair.
“Everythin’s ducky, Tooner,” Mrs. Feeley cried. “We fixed it!”
“I’ll be goddammed if you didn’t,” he whispered through dry lips. “The boat’s in Chartreuse’s name!”
It was the ladies’ turn to stare aghast and open-mouthed.
“Lock, stock an’ barrel! I turned it into her name last year.”
“How come?” Mrs. Feeley was the first to recover.
“When I started chatterin’,” he said. “The Coast Guard’s got a book full o’ laws, maritime safety an’ stuff. One set o’ rules is for chatterin’, an’ another set for boats haulin’ for hire.”
“I don’t get it,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.
“If it’s a straight chatter,” Elisha Dowdy said, “you rent your boat to a patty, an’ he sails it himself or hires a skipper.”
“The owner remains ashore?” Miss Tinkham said.
“That’s it. Bare boat, they call it.”
“Why didn’t you just stay ashore instead of turning it over to Chartreuse?” Miss Tinkham said.
“Ennabody sails my boat, it’s gonna be me,” he said. “If I was in the straight haulin’ for hire business, I could be owner an’ captain, see?” The ladies nodded.
“Why weren’t you?” Miss Tinkham said.
“Because I didn’t have the two thousand dollars or better that I would need to change over the gas tanks into separate compa’tments, or else install a hull new system. Seemed simpler to make Chartreuse the owner an’ me the skipper.”
“That’s why the mention of the Coast Guard always upset you so,” Miss Tinkham said.
“Don’t want ’em sniffin’ round.” The captain groaned. “Don’t make no difference now; I’m a ruined man.”
“That’s what she had on you all the time,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.
“It’s very plain when all the cards are on the table,” Miss Tinkham said. “He couldn’t have got the divorce without giving up his boat to that harpy.” Miss Tinkham thought back. “That is what she meant by saying that it was just as well you were not in port, that way you could not talk her out of anything. I remember that phrase distinctly.”
“It don’t look like it was Chartreuse talked me out of ennathin’!” The captain was white with anger. “You foxed me out of my livelihood and fixed it so I lost the only chance I had of bringin’ pressure to bear on her. I mighta swapped her
the divorce for the title to my own boat. Goddam such a mess!”
Miss Tinkham was afraid she was going to cry.
“That’s not quite fair. Captain. We’ll do what we can to straighten out the difficulty. Chartreuse won’t be too much trouble. She now has what she wants.”
“Sure!” the captain stormed. “That Fancy Dan AND my boat!”
“I do think it’s wise for you to keep out of sight for a few days while we deal with her,” Miss Tinkham said.
“I’ll keep outa sight! Never fear! ’Y God, I’ll get underway quicker’n a cat can lick…”
“You must not do anything rash, Captain,” Miss Tinkham said. “Chartreuse and Ethelbert are in town, or were a day or so ago…”
“She’s come after it. She’s stealin’ my dream!” The captain bit his lips. “I’ll never let her take South Wind! I’ll run her aground fust. Bust every carlin she’s got!” He jammed his cap on his head and stamped out the door, slamming the screen behind him.
“Cooked. That’s what we are,” Mrs. Feeley said.
“It is indeed a situation to approach with fear and…”
“Depredations,” Mrs. Feeley agreed. “Gawd, I need a beer.”
Chapter 23
TUESDAY AFTERNOON Velma came out to the house.
“I came as soon as I could after I got your message,” she said. “He certainly dropped the ball when he turned the title of the boat over to her.”
“That’s water under the bridge,” Miss Tinkham said. “How are we going to get it back?”
“He hadn’t orta blame us so hard,” Mrs. Feeley said. “But we gotta get it back by hook or by crook.”
“Chartreuse got grabby,” Velma said, “when she saw all the publicity in the Sunday edition that Cobb did. The ink was scarcely dry on it when she was over here to see for herself what all the excitement was.”
“It may be a case of more of the same,” Miss Tinkham said. “You are sure the schooner was out as you came by?”
“The man at the gas pump hadn’t seen him since last night,” Velma said.
“He shouldn’t run off with a boat that doesn’t belong to him,” Miss Tinkham said. “He’ll be in real trouble with the Coast Guard.”
“He’s bound to have Captain’s papers of some kind still in effect,” Velma said. “How would it be if you and I drove down to see if he’s come in?”
“The devilish part of it is,” Miss Tinkham said, “that we still don’t know how to get hold of Chartreuse. It is highly improbable that she would have the papers with her on her honeymoon. He’ll never forgive us for anything less than a bill of sale duly sworn to.”
“I know where they used to hang out,” Velma said.
“Me an’ Mrs. Rasmussen had best keep outa this,” Mrs. Feeley said.
“Don’t wait for me and don’t worry,” Miss Tinkham said. “Just drifting along, lost in the herd, frees the mind and harnesses the subconscious.”
Miss Tinkham straightened her floppy rice-straw coolie hat.
“Let’s go,” Velma said. “He was quite serious, I’m afraid,” Miss Tinkham said, “when he said he would scuttle the boat before he would let Chartreuse have her.”
“So far as Tooner is concerned, women are just nice things to have around the house. The one great love of his life is his boat. He might steal it, but I don’t think he’d wreck it.”
“If he did…” Miss Tinkham stopped talking and gazed at the empty waterfront.
“We should try to reach him on the ship-to-shore telephone, through the marine operator,” Velma said.
“What have we got to tell him?” Miss Tinkham said.
“You’re right there,” Velma said. A paperboy stuck his head in the car and Velma handed him a dime.
“Isn’t this a mess?” She showed Miss Tinkham the headlines POLICE SEEK RACKET RIDE VICTIM.
“Terrifying even to the innocent,” she said.
“I went through enough of that when my old man went south with the payroll at the bank.” Velma folded up the paper.
“I have often wondered why we believe almost anything we see in print,” Miss Tinkham said.
“It’s enough for most people,” Velma agreed.
“I’ll get out here, Velma.” Miss Tinkham said. “I want to see Mr. Cobb. Will you be at the Club in case I need you?” Velma nodded.
At half past three Miss Tinkham and Mr. Cobb came into the Pango Pango. They sat down in the booth where the ladies had played I Spy so often.
“What’s up?” Velma said.
“This.” Miss Tinkham spread out a copy of the evening paper.
“MYSTERY WOMAN-OWNER OF WRECKED SCHOONER SOUGHT FOR DAMAGES. Lord, he piled it up!” Velma said.
“He didn’t,” Miss Tinkham said.
“It says right here…” Velma stopped and read the small paragraph where the weather report was usually found. “‘Chartreuse Mulligan Dowdy; 49, liable. Many claim injuries aboard charter schooner South Wind in wreck off Mexican reef. Crew abandons ship. Captain reported en route to Maine. Details in later edition.’“
She looked up to see Miss Tinkham and Mr. Cobb shaking hands.
“How did you manage this?” she said.
“A printer friend,” Mr. Cobb said. “Persuaded by Andrew Jackson.”
“How many copies did you get for twenty dollars?” Velma smiled.
“Three,” Miss Tinkham said. “Velma will never tell, Mr. Cobb.”
“Now we have to see if it really works,” Velma said. “Should I take it over to them?”
“Try phoning first,” Miss Tinkham said.
Velma came back in a few minutes. “They’re there, all right.”
“I hope they haven’t already seen the evening paper,” Miss Tinkham said.
“Those two aren’t interested in current events,” Velma said.
“What we had in mind,” Miss Tinkham said, “was to buy back the wreck of the boat from her.”
“She hasn’t any right to it at all,” Velma said. “She’ll unload quick enough if she falls for this.”
“How was her attitude the last time you saw them?” Miss Tinkham said.
“She was crowing over me,” Velma said. “She thinks she took Ethelbert away from me.”
“We’d rather sweep the streets than have Captain Dowdy feel we lost the boat for him.”
“She’ll wise up if anybody offers her money,” Velma said. “The idea is for her to get out from under.”
She took her keys and the copy of the paper. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Keep out of sight and put one of the copies on the cashier’s desk.”
“My fingernails are gnawed off to my elbow,” Mr. Cobb said.
“Stop before you reach your shoulder,” Miss Tinkham said. “Here they come now.” Ethelbert and Chartreuse, minus her usual amount of make-up, followed Velma to the booth next to the one that hid Miss Tinkham and Mr. Cobb.
“My advice is to blow,” Ethelbert said. “Palm Springs is out.”
“Back to Arizona,” Chartreuse said, “where I can stand on my constitutional rights. Forty-nine! And me only thirty-two! By rights I oughta sue them!”
“You’re in no position to do that,” Ethelbert said. “What about the movie company? They said we had to stay off the place.”
“They can’t keep us out of every motel in Arizona,” Chartreuse snapped.
“What you oughta do is get rid of the thing,” he said, “dump the damn boat quick.”
“He did it to spite me,” Chartreuse whined. “Why, those people can sue me for millions!”
“It shouldn’t happen to a dog on his honeymoon,” Velma agreed. “I hope you’re covered with all kinds of liability insurance?”
Chartreuse shook her head miserably.
“I know now that’s why he put the boat in my name; so I’d be the one to take the rap.”
“You got a lot of influence in this town, Velma,” Ethelbert said.
“Plenty.” Velma lit up a fresh cigar. “What good
is influence? It’s not my boat.”
“I wish it was,” Chartreuse said.
“Give it to her,” Ethelbert shouted. “Get it in somebody else’s name.”
“Sh-h-h!” Velma whispered. “Want the cops down on you faster than they are?”
“Is it safe in here?”
“Safe as anywhere,” Velma said. “The waiters don’t come on till five.”
“Can’t you do something, Velma?” Chartreuse groaned. “You’ve got all kinds of pull and I haven’t got anybody to help me out.”
Velma paused just long enough.
“I try to be a good loser.” She looked at Ethelbert. “Let me make a couple of phone calls.”
Miss Tinkham and Mr. Cobb sat in the next booth, not daring to move. Miss Tinkham had her fingers crossed so far they looked like pretzels. Velma came back shaking her head.
“The only way they’d do anything for me, those stinkers, is if the boat was mine. If I was in trouble, they’d help me. No friendship in them. They figure they could attach the Club.”
“Hell, give it to her,” Ethelbert said. “Sign it over to Velma, for a dollar and other considerations.”
Chartreuse clutched at the straw. “I’ll give you a bill of sale. Ethelbert can witness it.”
Velma studied the proposition. She shook her head.
“I don’t see how I can do it; it’s going to cost me at least a grand to square it with the boys.”
“We’ll put up whatever you need to fix it,” Chartreuse said. “Be a whole lot cheaper than those damages.”
“Ice doesn’t come cheap,” Velma said.
“Ice?”
“Incidental Campaign Expenses. I’ll have to phone my lawyer.”
“It’s the only thing, Toozie,” Ethelbert whispered. “She knows the ropes in this town.”
“It will have to be done quick as greased lightning,” Velma said. “The title turned over to me and notarized. Where are the papers?”
“Wouldn’t you know it would happen to me?” Chartreuse moaned. “The papers are on the boat. It’s the law.”
Velma slapped her hand down hard on the table to cover the faint sound from the next booth. She was certain Miss Tinkham had fainted.
“You’re done, girl. Done,” Velma said. “The Coast Guard may have them by this time. Let’s not lose our heads: write me out a bill of sale to the schooner South Wind, sign it the way your name is on the title papers, and then we’ll have it notarized with your present married name. It’s the best we can do right now.”
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