by Suzie Carr
“You don’t believe in me, do you?”
“Art just isn’t my fancy.”
“Does that give you the right to presume it doesn’t have purpose? The world doesn’t just center around Colin and his ideals. There’s more to life than number crunching.”
“Purpose is having a real job like you do now at the company. It’s socializing with people who can help forage measurable results, like capital and valuable networking connections. It’s having a plan to raise well-behaved kids that will have a bright future by sending them to the best schools and getting them involved in stimulating activities. That’s purpose, Em. And that’s the purpose we will build and share together.”
I struggled to release myself from his hold. “That’s your idea of purpose. Not mine.”
He looked at me boldly. “We’ll make it ours.”
I looked back at Goldie’s car then back at Colin, sickened by his lack of diversity. “I have to go. I’ve kept them waiting long enough.”
He placed his hands around his waist. “You’re still leaving with them?”
“Yes, Colin. I’m still leaving with them.”
His eyes swept my body, seemingly searching for familiarity within me. “I’ll bring you home. I need to go back to your place to get the invitations anyway.”
“I’ll mail them tomorrow morning. I promise.”
“You promised me that last week. They need to go out first thing in the morning.”
“They’ll get to where they need to be in plenty of time, Colin. I promise.”
“Let me drop you off,” he said curtly.
“No, Colin. They’ve been waiting this whole time for me.”
“So tell them we’ve settled our differences.”
“I don’t think we have,” I said, backing up from him. “I’ll see you later on tomorrow.”
“Fine, we’ll talk about this more tomorrow then. By the way, we’re going out with Dean and his wife.”
I stopped walking. “Who the hell is Dean?”
“Dean, our realtor, Dean. He wants to talk to us about some investment property. I think it would be good for us to get to know someone like him better.”
“It’s always about who can do what for you. No wonder you don’t like Goldie or Charlie. They can’t do anything for you.”
“I don’t like them because I find them offensive,” he whispered. “Would you keep your voice down so they don’t hear you?”
“Why do you care if they hear you or not? You don’t like them because there’s no joint venture that you can work out with them. They’re no use to you anyway. Isn’t that what you said?”
He tightened his lips and spoke through his clenched teeth. “You’re right. I don’t see the point in being their friend.”
“What about the fact that I like them?”
“Why do you like them? What can Goldie offer you other than psychic gibberish? And Charlie? He’s in a band. What can he possibly do for you?”
“Colin, do you realize how selfish and stupid you sound?”
“I’m not thinking any differently than how ninety-nine percent of the world does. I’m just brave enough to say it. Life is about strategy, Em. She’s a liability to you.”
My eyes went wide. “A liability?”
“You and I both know there’s going to be a day in the future when someone calls her bluff and her scheme of reading palms will come crashing down on her. Who will she run to when the electric company threatens to cut her off?”
His lack of compassion stunned me. How could someone so insensitive make it so far in life and someone like Goldie, who opens her heart to anyone, lack?
“She’s my friend. I would help her without question.”
“Having a rich friend like you is an asset for her. What can she provide you with that would have any value?”
“Compassion, understanding, a shoulder to cry on, a trusted advisor, should I go on?” I circled my hand in the air, welcoming in his response.
“You don’t get it. You don’t think like I do.”
I raised my arms in the air in praise. “Thankfully!”
“I’m not saying this to be a jerk. I’m saying this because I think you need to branch out with your friendship base. She is the only friend you have.”
“Not the only one,” I snapped, not even considering that he was right.
“Name me one more person you can call your friend. And don’t say Sharon from the fiche room? She’s just another liability.”
He watched me with a clever smile. This shrewdness only exacerbated my anger toward him. How dare he charge that I didn’t have friends? I had a great friend, but his existing as my supposed lover ruined that for me.
“I happen to have a good friend besides Goldie.” I bounced my hand against my hanging pocketbook.
He laughed. “Who? An imaginary friend?”
His shrilling cackle made my temples pulse. How dare he laugh at me? “Haley. Haley is a great friend of mine.”
“Haley?”
“My friend from Denver.”
“The aloof one you had coffee with?”
I swallowed, trying to calm the storm brewing inside me before it unleashed a fury on him that would swipe him clear off his feet. “She’s far from aloof.”
“Okay, in what way is she an asset? She lives in Denver. What can you possibly do for each other?”
More than he could ever do for me. I bit the words sitting on my tongue before they lashed out at him. “You wouldn’t get it. You know why? Because you don’t think like me.” I shoved the same dialogue back at him that he had used only moments earlier on me, only mine held a meaning far different than he could ever imagine.
“Okay, well let’s break it down my way. What does she do for a living?”
“She’s a sales manager for a dress designer.”
“So, she can get you deals on dresses, then?”
“Colin, friendships are not about what people can do for you.”
“She sounds capable and financially sound,” he said, completely dismissing my comment. “So, she’s not a liability to you. But,” he let the word roll out slowly, “Are you to her?” He squinted his eyes, lending a light-hearted approach.
“She appreciates art. So I am most definitely an asset to her,” I said, yielding to his game with biting sarcasm.
“So, you can draw a picture for her? And she likes pictures.” Colin nodded his back and forth, scratching his chin. “I’m not convinced of the strategic alliance. What fuels your need for each other?”
I couldn’t believe I was talking with him about her. Just saying her name, tingles ran wild in me, bathing me in pleasure as I stood face to face with my unknowing fiancé.
“Plenty fuels our need for each other.” My heart thundered through every cell in my body, as I indulged in the provocative bliss of bringing Haley alive in my mind again. “More than you’ll ever be able to understand with that financial mind of yours.”
“Try me,” he said with assurance.
“Let’s just say, I look at my friendships as color palettes not spreadsheets. I try to find the complements in people, not the comparisons. Haley’s quite colorful in personality so she’s easy to be friends with.”
He shrugged his head to his right shoulder. “Well, if that works for you, then good for you. Some day, when we own ten houses, you will thank me for sticking to my principles though. And you may even ask me to show you how it’s done.”
“Maybe I will, Colin. Maybe I will.”
“Tomorrow night, when we meet up with Dean and his wife, you can search for color complements while Dean and I compare our alliances.”
“I was planning on us having dinner with my dad, Colin. I know I told you that.”
“I’m seeing Dad in the morning. We’re going to meet to go over some business he needs to discuss with me. I’ll tell him we’ll move it to Sunday.”
My heels hurt from the unsupportive sandals I wore and my emotions were spent. I wanted t
o be alone. I wanted to get away from him. I wanted to think about Haley. “Fine. We’ll do things your way as always. I’m too tired to argue,” I said walking away from him.
He yelled to me, “Don’t forget to mail the invites.”
I simply waved my arm at him before dumping my tired body into Goldie’s backseat where “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan blared from the backseat speakers. More distraught than ever about my future with Colin, I was grateful for the music. It drowned out the mounting tears that rammed their way up the back of my throat.
My eyes followed a lone raindrop traversing across the window. At first it rolled slowly, then once it found a groove, it sped horizontally across the window. It reminded me of an ice-skater dancing across the smooth, shiny surface, with an eye focused on her destination. Haley operated in the same manner. She knew what she wanted and went after it. The day she bumped into my car, she wanted to treat me to coffee, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. With her assertive nature and winning smile, she dazzled people. She magically helped them succumb to what they really wanted, which was to be around her.
I ached for her to be sitting by my side in the backseat of my best friend’s car. The night would have been far more fun and ended so much better than it did with Colin. I thought how wonderful a time the four of us would’ve had together. We would’ve all jumped up on stage together and entertained the crowd. Haley would have buzzed them into laughter with her contagious humor.
We would have celebrated the night in style, making fun of the stuffy ambiance at the restaurant and melding into the crowd at the bar. And the best part, we would’ve finished the night off in my cozy living room, getting drunk and cuddling, being totally accepting of each other.
When we were together, there was such passion, such intensity, such real emotion. When she was with me, my mind was nowhere but in the moment, enjoying her for all she offered.
“Curly, is everything alright?” Charlie asked, lowering the radio volume just as Sarah finished singing the fitting lyrics.
“I just have a lot of thinking to do.”
“Em, I know Colin acted like a pompous ass tonight, but maybe we were to blame slightly for that. I mean, Charlie and I were a bit obnoxious too.”
I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid up, sticking my head in between the two bucket seats. “Bullshit. You were because he was. The way he treated all of us tonight was unacceptable.”
“I don’t know how you can stand him, personally.” She threw Charlie a glance. “If you ever treat me like that, you better know enough to get packing.”
He didn’t flinch at her brashness. Instead a sweet smile crossed his bearded face. “I’m not like that. But, that’s who he is, Emma.”
“I know that’s who he is,” I said back to him. “I wish he could be different.”
“You mean more like Haley?” Goldie asked.
The air to my lungs cut off. I plopped backwards against the leather backseat in defeat. “If only he could be.”
“But, he’s not, Curly.”
I had a life waiting for me that I didn’t want. What should’ve thrilled me didn’t. Colin’s enthusiasm was tailored to him, not me. He planned my future like he would have it — practical and efficient. “No, he’s not.”
****
When I closed the door to my apartment after being dropped off, I walked through my living room quickly and straight to my bedroom where the pile of invitations rested on my nightstand.
I climbed onto my fluffy bed of floral print and stared at the elegant scrolled letters on the envelopes. I picked up a stack of them and clutched them to my chest, then laid my head against the pillow. Within minutes I fell fast asleep.
I woke up the next morning with them littered around me. Six weeks from then, if plans went according to Colin’s well-organized schedule, he would be playing golf with the groomsmen, while I sat at Ricardo’s having my hair and makeup done. I would be slightly giddy from the Mimosas Goldie and me would be sipping as we sat, side-by-side, enjoying the lavish pampering before I entered a life of disappointment.
Life was moving faster than I could keep up with. The day that once seemed so far off into the distance, now raced at me with lightening speed. My mind whirled with anguish as I turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I had to face the hard reality. I had no other choice but to set the invitations free.
Chapter 18
I sighed deeply as I parked my car alongside the curb of Colin’s street. My feet were dead weight, like cement blocks in the ocean. Struggling to stand, I stepped out into the pouring rain. I stood exposed, allowing the rain to drench my weary soul, hoping it would wash away the despair that seeped through my veins. I never remembered being this nervous before. The anticipation was torture. After standing still against the cool metal of my car long enough to feel the water soak through my clothes, I decided I had to get this over with.
I arrived at his front door, dripping. I hesitated, then formed a fist and courageously knocked.
I couldn’t breathe correctly. The air entered and left before it had a chance to make it into my lungs. My heartbeats were strong. Too strong. They pounded in my chest, as if dueling for control over me.
His footsteps drew closer to the door.
Finally, he opened it. He stood silent, eyeing me from head to toe. When he completed his scan, all the pent up pressure of the last desperate moments came tumbling down as I collapsed into his arms.
He held me without saying anything; just stroked my hair. Every few seconds he would squeeze me a little tighter, until he hugged me so tight I couldn’t move. And in his arms, I didn’t want to move. I had never felt more safe and protected, even though it was a false security that would leave me the moment I let go.
Standing very still, braving to take a deeper breath, I traced my fingers along the back of his neck and up through his hair—the hair I had run my fingers through over the course of seven years. I had memorized every cowlick on his hair line, every wiry piece that stuck out when cut too short, every last detail.
The tick of the clock echoed in the living room with each second that passed. The sharp tapping reflected stabs, poking the air, reminding me I came with a purpose and no matter how many clicks the second hand made, I had to eventually deal with the inevitable.
I wiggled free, ready to face him.
I still held the soggy invitations in my left hand, their water dripping onto the hard wood floors below. His hand comforted mine as I stood before him with the tears streaming down my face, mirroring his.
“I couldn’t mail them,” I managed to say weakly.
He squeezed my hand in his, prompting me, securing me to continue explaining.
“I stood at the mailbox, holding the invitations in the open latch, but I couldn’t let go of them.”
“Why not, Em?” he asked.
“It’s not you. It’s me.”
“What’s you?” He pulled his lower lip into his mouth, but I could still see the trembling in his chin.
“I can’t do it.”
“What can’t you do, Em?”
“I can’t marry you.”
His mouth dropped open. He let his hand slip away from mine. He walked over to the couch and sat, placing his head in the palm of his hands.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, coming to his side.
The clock continued to tick loud and abrasive against the soft murmur of traffic passing by the street below.
“We can fix this,” he finally said, meeting up with my eyes. In them I saw devastation and pain.
“No, we can’t. This isn’t something that we can switch a few things around and make smooth. We can’t fix this, Colin.”
“Trust me, we can fix this. This is all normal pre-wedding stuff going on here.”
“It’s more than that for me.”
“This is about last night, right? My acting like a complete ass?”
His admittance shocked me. “Colin—”
“I
t’s hard for me to have a good time with people I have nothing in common with, but I promise, I’ll hang out with them if that’s what’ll make you happy. I’ll change my attitude. I’ll find a common ground between them and me.” He sounded desperate.
“Will all this really make you happy? Being married to a woman you don’t understand, who has friends that you don’t get either?”
“We can make this work. We have for the past seven years, haven’t we?”
He wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Colin, there’s more to it.” I took his hand in mine.
“More to it?” he asked.
“Yes. Something’s happened to me and I don’t know exactly how to tell you.”
“It’s somebody else, isn’t it?” he asked matter-of-factly.
I swallowed hard. I could walk away from this without telling him about Haley. If in his position, I’d want to know the truth. I owed it to him. Colin, the man used to getting everything exactly as he wanted, would struggle his whole life wondering how he could’ve done things differently, how he could’ve saved this relationship. I wanted to leave him with the small comfort that the reason it was ending was me, not him.
I shook my head in agreement, closing my eyes and bowing my head to avoid seeing his pain.
“How serious is it?”
I looked up at him. “I never cheated on you.”
“So you just feel a certain affinity towards this person, maybe flirted a little, but that’s it?” he asked me cautiously.
“We kissed, but that’s as far as anything went.”
He exhaled. “Do I know him?”
I hesitated, summoning up the courage to divulge my secret. “Her.”
He snapped his hand back from me. “Her?”
I couldn’t look at him. I stared at the navy curtains, covering the sliding door. “Yes. It’s Haley,” I said meagerly.
He stood up, hovered over me like a hawk ready to attack. “Haley? You’re willing to call off our wedding because of this Haley woman from Denver?” He picked up his newspaper from the table and flung it clear across the room. “This isn’t real.”
I remained stone-faced. “It’s real, Colin.”