by PJ Sharon
“Please don’t tell Carter. I don’t want Bull to find out.” She pushed the pile of napkin pieces to the edge of the table and swept them all into her hand, crumpling her fist into a tight ball so none of the pieces could escape.
Katie returned and set a Diet Coke in front of me and a chocolate shake in front of Sami. “I thought you could use a stiff drink.”
Sami drew the Fribble closer and smiled glumly. “Thanks, Kat. Sorry I bit your head off.”
Katie folded her arms across her middle. “So you’re really going through with it, huh?” Whatever her beliefs, she was a great friend. She’d be there for Sami, no matter what, and Sami knew it.
“Yeah, I am.” She looked at me. “So, will you bring me on Monday?”
“Let me know what time.” We shared a moment of solidarity that spoke louder than any words. We both looked up at Katie.
“I...can’t come with you, but I’ll...pray for you.” Katie’s gaze dropped to the floor and she shifted from one foot to the other. I felt a crack in our friendship at that moment. Like growing out of Barbies and playing mermaid, eventually you take a different direction from your friends. Once certain lines are crossed, it’s hard to step back over them.
“I know you will.” Sami held her hand out and asked, “Take care of this for me?”
Katie put out her hand, and Sami placed a million little pieces of torn tissue paper into her outstretched palm.
I stayed with Sami for most of the day after her abortion. She seemed okay. She was a little sad and crampy—grumpier than usual, though I couldn’t blame her under the circumstances. She said it was like having really bad PMS. The people at the clinic were nice. I sat in on her meeting with the counselor and they talked about her options, the procedure, the risks, and what she would feel like afterwards. They gave her some medicine that made her groggy, and birth control pills to start taking to prevent this from happening again.
I thought about asking for some for myself, but figured it wasn’t really the time. I planned to go back on my own and talk to someone there. I needed to do something. Carter had been great about the condom thing, but I knew they were only like 70% effective.
I didn’t know if I could go through what Sami did. It didn’t seem like such a big deal until I looked on the internet and saw what a fetus looked like at five weeks. It was this tiny shapeless little pea, no bigger than a bean, but it had a heartbeat already, and the idea of ending a life that was only beginning, made me feel terrible. I hoped I’d never have to make that kind of decision.
Chapter 11
“When do I get to meet your parents?” Carter stroked a finger along my arm, both soothing and tickly at once. My insides squirmed.
“I don’t know. My mom is so sick. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” We’d been going out for weeks, and I’d avoided having him pick me up at the house or otherwise risking getting caught with him. My parents would freak if they knew I was seeing, (let alone sleeping with) a twenty year old. I hated to think about the trouble he might get in because of me.
He lifted my chin so that our eyes met. “I really care about you, Penny. I want to do this right.” My heart raced, his blue-green eyes drawing me into their spell.
I bit my lip, the half-truth springing forth so naturally, it scared me. “It’s important that my mom not be upset right now, so I think we need to keep our relationship a secret for a while longer.”
“Wouldn’t it make her happy to know you had someone looking out for you? Or do you think she won’t like me?” he asked with mock seriousness.
“It’s not that. It’s just...my parents are pretty old fashioned. I’d hate to see how they’d react if they knew what we were doing.”
He smiled down at me and pulled me on top of him. My bare skin against his and the hardness of his body beneath me, sent a thrill from my toes to every part of my body that knew I was no longer a little girl. If only my parents could understand that somewhere along the way, I’d turned into a young woman.
“I’ll convince them I’m the right guy for you.” He kissed my nose and then my forehead, snuggling me closer and playing my hair between his fingers, a soothing gesture that reminded me how powerful a touch could be. His heart thumped beneath my cheek and the peace that had eluded me my whole life eased its way into the darkest corners of my soul—a sense of connection and belonging I wanted to hold onto forever.
“Carter,” I said slowly, “What happens when you decide to go back to Michigan and go to school?” I’d been dreading the thought that he might leave sooner rather than later. When he first mentioned it, I was a little relieved because then he wouldn’t have to find out that I’d lied about my age. We had agreed not to talk about it until the time got closer. But then...I felt different now, and September was only weeks away.
“I’ve been thinking about what I want to do. My job at Fed Ex is going pretty good. I just got a raise and there’s plenty of overtime. I’ve been looking at the engineering program at Northfield State. It’s only fifteen minutes up the road and I could keep my job here, then we could go to school together.”
My heart crashed into my ribs and I closed my eyes. “I thought your mom needed you, and that your grandmother would be coming back after the summer.”
“Sunny says she and Aunt Shelly are headed to Florida to stay with her sister for the winter. She might even put the house up for sale next spring. I bet she’d give me a good deal on it since it needs so much work.” He ran his fingers absently through my hair, playing with the curls as he continued. “Mom is almost finished with her training. She graduates in January and then she should be able to find a full time teaching position. Meg’s even old enough to have her own job now. Lots of places hire people with Down syndrome. They’re hard workers and Meg is so sweet. You’re going to love her.” He seemed happier thinking about his family than he had in a long time, as though some weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
I slid off of him and laid my leg over his, snuggling into the crook of his shoulder and thinking of what to say. If he was planning to stay, I had to tell him the truth. My stomach squeezed into a tight knot, the protein bar I’d eaten an hour ago fighting its way back up. “That’s great,” I mumbled. I was becoming an expert at half-truths. The part of me that loved him and wanted us to stay like this forever jumped for joy in my chest. The other part of me that knew he would run screaming for the hills when he found out the truth cringed in fear of the inevitability of loss. I had no choice. I had to tell him.
“What about you?” he asked.
I looked up at him, panic rising. “What?”
“Are you still planning on going out of state once you get your bachelors from Northfield? You said that was the plan.” He looked expectant, as if he wanted me to tell him it wasn’t so. The hopeful look in his eyes sent a shard of guilt through my heart.
“With Mom being so close to the end, I thought I’d put off school for a while.” I looked down and picked at a piece of lint on the blanket.
He drew me in tighter and held me close. “I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this with your mom, but I’m glad you’re staying.”
Through the closed bedroom door of his little cape, a thunderous voice boomed. “I know she’s here!” A door slammed and raised voices split the quiet afternoon. Before either of us could get up to put our clothes on, the door burst open. My father stood in the doorway, face contorted and red.
“Dad!” I pulled the blanket up to my chin, my own face hot with embarrassment and outrage.
His jaw dropped and his eyes widened, the red draining and leaving his face a pasty white. “Penelope! You get your ass out of that bed and get home. Now! If your mother knew what you were doing, she’d...how could you do this...?” He stuttered, gripping the door frame as if to stop himself from losing control completely.
I tried to speak, but no words came out. Carter sat up, drew a sheet around his waist, and was about to stand, when my father pointed a shaking finger a
t him and glared venomously in his direction. “You! You pervert! I ought to have you arrested!”
“Dad, please don’t...” I begged.
“Sir, let me explain...”
He ignored me and cut Carter off. “You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of an innocent young girl. She’s only seventeen, for God’s sake!”
Carter whipped around, eyes wide with shock as he stared down at me. His face crumpled, filled with hurt, anger, disappointment...betrayal. “Penny, why...?” He wrapped the sheet tighter around his waist and pushed past my father and down the hall, the bathroom door slamming behind him.
Hot tears flooded my eyes. Sobs choked to the surface, cutting off any words I could have said. There was nothing to say. I had made a mess of everything.
“Get dressed, Penelope. I’ll wait for you in the car,” he spit out. My father looked at me, disgusted and supremely disappointed. He turned his back and left me alone in the bed I had shared with Carter, now empty and cold despite the heat of a sunny July afternoon.
Chapter 12
It turned out that Mrs. Hughes, the neighborhood busybody, had seen my “comings and goings” at number twenty-seven and had mentioned it to Dad at church. After a lot of tears and begging on my part, Dad agreed not to tell Mom about my “indiscretion”. His anger, I could handle, but the look of disappointment and shame on his face was eating a hole in my heart. Dad was a man of few words, but when he said something, he made it count. “This would kill your mother. That’s the only reason I’m not going to tell her.” He actually said those words. He looked at me like I had peed on a puppy.
Since it was all kept hush-hush, he couldn’t really punish me. He made me promise not to see Carter any more. To ensure my cooperation, he threatened to involve the police. Not that Carter would ever want to talk to me again, anyway. He hadn’t returned my calls and the only texts I had gotten were from Katie, who told me Sami and Bull broke up. Bad news travels fast and the Barrett Street boys had apparently decided we were bad news. Sami wasn’t speaking to me. At least I still had Katie.
Journal entry for Saturday, August 7th
My heart aches all the time and I can’t eat. I feel sick—heart sick. I go skating. I go to work. I play cards or do puzzles with Mom. All the plans have been made for the family picnic. Carter—the best part of my world—has been torn from my life. I walk around in a state of perpetual numbness, my heart empty and hollow, like someone drained all the life out and the only thing left is a cracked shell, fragile and ready to shatter at the slightest bump.
“Are you going to hibernate up here all day? It’s Saturday and you’re missing some beautiful weather.” Sarah folded my wrinkled shorts and laid them on the stack of clothes waiting to go into my dresser.
I curled into a tight ball on my bed, hugging my stuffed penguin close to my chest as I stared out the window. “I have no place to be for a change. I’m resting,” I grumbled. In all honesty, it felt good just to lie there sulking and give into my pathetic state of heart brokenness.
“It’ll be okay, Peanut. He wasn’t the right guy for you anyway. Once you’re back at school, you’ll find someone closer to your own age.”
I shut my eyes and drew in a breath. Tears burned behind my eyes, my pillow already soaked with salty stains. “I see Dad didn’t waste any time blabbing my humiliation to the masses.”
She sat on the edge of the bed and brushed my bangs out of my face. My cheeks felt stiff, my eyes puffy and hot from crying, my nose stuffed. “He’s worried about you. He says you’re not eating.”
I rolled away from my big sister. I wanted to scream at the cruelty of life. The sheer magnitude of how much things sucked weighed on me like a cement truck. “I’m not hungry.”
“C’mon, Penny. You have to work through this and take care of yourself. Mom and Dad need you.”
I whipped around, sending my penguin flying, “What about what I need? You have no idea what it’s been like living here. You show up once a month, hold Mom’s hand for five minutes and then you’re out of here. I’ve been dealing with this crap for years, and the one good thing that happens to me, and...” I choked out a sob, unable to stanch the flow of tears or force another word out.
Sarah’s brown eyes showed the hurt I’d caused but she took me in her arms and let me cry for a long time. “I’m sorry, Peanut. You’re right. You deserve a good cry. Go on and let it out. You’ve been under way too much pressure for a kid your age.”
I let myself bawl like a baby in her arms, releasing all of the pain, frustration and heartbreak of the last week, months, years, not realizing how much I’d stored up. At that moment, I felt like a little girl again. I remembered Sarah rubbing my back to soothe me after I’d fallen off my first two-wheeler. It might have been the last time I’d felt like a child.
“What do you say we sneak out of here and go for a pizza?” She handed me the box of tissues off my night stand. Several rings of different colored stones and designs adorned her long thin fingers, an inheritance from Dad’s side that I hadn’t been lucky enough to have. I swiped at my nose with a stubby index finger.
“I can’t eat. My stomach is all queasy.” I grabbed a bunch of Kleenex and lay back down. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” If I had a dollar for every time I’d said those words I’d be richer than Oprah, I thought, tucking my penguin back under my arm.
She released a sigh of resignation. “I’ll fix you some soup and crackers, and you are going to eat it,” she said firmly, rising from the bed and heading for the door.
Sarah made Campbell’s chicken noodle soup and brought some saltines to go with it. The tangy flavor burst in my mouth as I sipped the broth and I suddenly realized I was ravenous. The food actually settled my stomach. We talked for a long time about Carter, Mom, Dad, the picnic, and the skating show that was rapidly approaching. It felt incredibly good to unload my burdens, even if they were all lurking around the corner waiting to jump back on the Perfect Penny train as soon as I left the sanctuary of my bedroom. I wondered how that train was going to make it another hundred yards down the tracks, let alone over the next hill.
When I’d finished my second bowl of soup and felt more than half alive, Sarah showed up in the doorway with a bag from the high end boutique where she worked. “I have a surprise for you.” She handed me the bag and sat down on the bed again, her long dark hair shiny and wavy like Mom’s used to be.
Whether she brought me gifts as a guilt offering or as payment for services rendered, I didn’t really care. She always gave me the coolest clothes. “Thanks,” I said, taking the tissue wrapped dress from the bag. I held it up and let it drape over the front of me. The silky rayon felt cool on my skin and reached half way down my thighs. Sleeveless with a scooped neck, it would probably take the attention away from my lower half. “I love the colors.”
“I thought the coral and copper tones would look great against your tan. It’s one of my original designs.”
“It’s beautiful, Sarah. I love it.” I stood and hugged my sister, letting the dress drop onto the bed. “Not that I have any place to wear it.” I frowned, finding it hard to muster any enthusiasm.
She smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. Sarah was petite like me, but somehow stronger and sturdier. She outweighed me by twenty pounds but it was more than that. There always seemed to be a steadiness about her that made it clear she was in charge of her own destiny. I envied her confidence. “You will,” she said. “What you need to do is have a little fun. Stop wasting your time getting stuck on one guy. You are too young to be tied down to a serious relationship. Date a little. Get to know different kinds of guys before you settle on only one. And don’t give your heart—or your body—to anyone who isn’t completely worthy of you.”
Such advice sounded strange coming from the sister who had sworn off men completely after a bad breakup in college and hadn’t had a boyfriend since, as far as I knew. But it sounded right. I needed to get past my heart ache over Carter
no matter how much it felt like I couldn’t go on without him.
The plot to get me out of my bedroom and back into the world was brought to completion when Katie arrived an hour later.
“You can’t hide up here forever,” she said, sitting crossed legged on the end of my bed, examining my new dress with envy. “You want to go to the mall and get a pair of shoes to match?”
“I suppose.” I felt like mall ratting about as much as I felt like being shot out of a cannon, but Katie wouldn’t give up until she had accomplished her mission. She was sweet, but as stubborn Irish as they came.
Twenty minutes later, we parked the Honda in a spot at Somerville Square. It wasn’t exactly the shopping Mecca of Connecticut, but it had been recently upgraded and had about thirty or so retail shops, not to mention a food court where all the kids from school hung out on rainy days and Saturday afternoons.
Katie nibbled on her fries while I sipped my diet coke. “Sure you don’t want one?” She held out a fry to me and I shook my head, the thought of all that grease making my stomach churn. Katie had one of those obnoxious metabolisms that let her eat anything and still be a size two.
Bobby Russell and his “teen wife” sat across the food court in front of the SUBWAY holding hands and chatting it up with a bunch of kids from the cool crowd—football captain, Joey DiSilva and his bookend cheerleader Sue Morris, Keri Jamison and her boyfriend Steve, who looked like they just stepped off the cover of TEEN VOGUE, and this kid Dave, who could be classified as a groupie. The guy participated in computer club, played in a band, lettered in at least two sports, and dated every girl he could get to say ‘yes’. He was flying solo today, arms reaching over head in an animated re-enactment of how he had made the final out in the baseball playoffs two months before. They all seemed so carefree and childlike from a distance, like nothing was more important than sports, prom, and next year’s graduation.