by PJ Sharon
Derek had a wicked sense of humor and kept cracking jokes at Bill’s expense, revealing his father’s most embarrassing stories. I thought I would cough up a lung when he explained how Bill tried to get him to take yoga as a teenager, thinking it would give him an ‘outlet’ for his hormonal angst and create a bonding experience. The two of them had lasted through two classes, until Bill threw his back out while trying to stand on his head.
“I heard that!” Bill yelled from the kitchen. He appeared around the corner shaking a carving knife, attempting to look threatening. “And you were supposed to be spotting me!”
The doorbell rang, and I left the two guys to their banter. I opened the door to find Sarah standing on the doorstep holding a casserole full of sweet potatoes. I welcomed her in, led her to the kitchen, and took the dish from her, setting it on the stove. “These were Mom’s favorite,” I said, a wash of unexpected emotion tightening my throat.
“I know. I remembered that they’re also your favorite. I even put the little marshmallows on top.” She lifted the lid and pointed to the toasted sweet morsels.
I hugged my sister, swallowing my tears, not wanting to turn the day into a crying fest. “Thanks for coming, Sarah. Today wouldn’t be the same without you.”
“Let me look at you.” She held me at arm’s length and then patted my little bulge. “Pregnancy suits you, little sister. You look great.” She wrinkled her nose. “But we’ve got to do something about the wardrobe.”
I looked down at my plaid flannel pajama bottoms and the baggy Life Is Good tee shirt with the stick figure of a skater doing a spiral on the front. Taz grinned up at me from the floor. “I’m comfortable. Besides, I’m not looking forward to those ridiculous elastic waist pants and frilly maternity tops that make pregnant women look fatter than they really are.”
“I promise we will hook you up with the latest in maternity fashion. You’ll look fabulous.” Sarah’s smile beamed radiantly.
“You’re looking pretty pleased with yourself about something. Spill,” I said.
“I’ve met someone. She’s amazing. Her name is Stephanie, and she’s an art student at NYU.”
“I’m happy for you. You deserve it, you know.”
“It’s nice to finally have everything out in the open. Dad’s not happy about it, but he is trying.”
“Have you seen him?” My stomach churned, a slow burn of acid creeping up my throat.
“I talked to him last week. He’s been going to AA meetings. I think he’s doing better. He asked about you.” She leaned on the counter, fiddling with the wide belt that cinched around a flowery, gypsy looking dress. She had on black leather boots and enough jewelry to open an accessories boutique.
“Well, I’m glad he’s getting help. Did you tell him I’m fine?” I found a small sense of satisfaction in the fact that my life was working out just ducky without him.
“I think he’d like to see you.”
“He knows where I am.”
“I think he’s waiting for you to call him,” she said, unable to meet my stare.
“Well, he can wait ‘til hell freezes over. I’m not calling him. He’s the one who threw me out, remember?”
“Everything okay in here?” Bill came around the corner, ending the conversation abruptly.
“Everything’s fine,” I said, the knot in my stomach tightening again. I took a breath, willing the sensation away.
“Why don’t you introduce your sister to Derek? I’ll finish up here in the kitchen and dinner will be ready in about half an hour.”
Leave it to Bill to smooth things over and bring calm to an escalating situation. It wouldn’t surprise me if he could charm a jumper off a roof, I thought, as Sarah and I headed for the living room. He would offer them a nice meal and some civilized conversation and they would be climbing down to meet him for coffee. By the time we sat down with Derek, my smile had returned. I had all the family I needed.
Sarah and I set the table and Derek helped Bill serve up the meal. I did a pretty good job on the eating front, taking a small spoonful each of mashed potatoes, green beans and stuffing. I ate a half a roll and some turkey with gravy and then I did something I hadn’t done in years, I took a second helping of sweet potatoes and had no intention of throwing up. I felt stuffed but content as we all sat around the table, talking, telling stories and enjoying the warmth of a cozy holiday gathering. It was perfect.
Then the doorbell rang. Bill got up to answer it while Derek held me and Sarah’s attention with another hilarious story about a fishing trip gone bad. Bill had apparently landed a hook in a bees hive up in a nearby tree and the two of them had jumped into the river fully clothed to escape the swarm.
We were cracking up laughing when Bill came around the corner, “Somebody is here to see you, Penny.” He sat down, offering no clue about the new arrival.
Curious, I put my napkin on the table and headed for the door. When I rounded the corner, my heart jumped.
“Hi. I bet you didn’t expect to see me today.”
Carter stood in the hallway, a sad crooked smile forming a single dimple in his cheek.
I stared, not believing my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I came back for you.” His cool hazel eyes sparkled as he studied me for a moment longer, then he took a step forward.
I ran and threw myself into his arms.
Chapter 38
Carter held me for a long time. “I’m so sorry, Penny. If you had only told me, I never would have left.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I couldn’t tell you. I thought you would be mad.”
He gripped my shoulders and pushed me away, searching my face. “Why would I be mad at you? It wasn’t your fault.”
I released a shuddering breath, relief sweeping through me. “But how did you find out?”
“Bull ran into Sami a couple of weeks ago. She told him everything.”
The pain in his eyes sent a stab of guilt through my chest. I looked away. “She shouldn’t have done that.”
He pulled me around to face him again, lifting my chin with his fingers so I couldn’t avoid seeing him. “I’m glad she did. Are you okay?”
I smiled weakly, heat creeping into my cheeks. “I am now.”
He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms tenderly around me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
I pushed back and took his hand. “Let’s go sit down and talk.”
“What’s going on here?” Bill stood in the hallway, his arms folded, his face set in a stern fatherly expression that warmed my heart.
“Everything’s fine,” I said, and meant it for a change.
I made introductions and my two best guys shook hands, both looking uncomfortable and cautious.
“Feel free to use my office if you need to speak privately.” Bill’s office was in the third bedroom upstairs, soon to be renovated into a nursery. How appropriate, I thought.
A few minutes later, Carter and I faced each other on a comfy loveseat in a sunny room surrounded by bookcases. Large double windows looked out over the lake, the room warmed by the late afternoon sun splashing across the plush cream carpet.
“I’m sorry,” we said at the same time and then both smiled.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Penny. I understand why you didn’t tell me. But I wish you had. I would have handled things differently.” He sounded so sad.
“I didn’t want you to feel...obligated.”
“That’s crazy. Of course I feel obligated. I’m responsible. You shouldn’t have had to deal with all of this alone. I should have been here for you.” He reached out and took my hand, gently stroking my knuckles. “You’ve been through so much: losing your mom, finding out about your dad...and this.” He shook his head, looking down at our joined hands. Then he looked up at me as if seeing me for the first time.
I knew I looked different. Thanks to hormones, prenatal vitamins, or maybe the six pounds I’d gained, I had a healthy glow. My skin was c
lear and radiant. I’d let my hair grow out and the curls had turned to silky waves that framed my face. “You look really beautiful. I’ve missed you,” he said.
I’d thought about this moment for months, wishing he was here, and that he would come back because he wanted to be with me, not because I was carrying his baby. Now I’d never know for sure. Sami shouldn’t have told Bull, and she and I were going to have a serious talk about our friendship, but right now, I couldn’t regret that Carter was here, holding my hand. My heart swelled as happy tears filled my eyes.
“I’m just glad you’re here now.” I swiped at the tears and sniffled.
“I’m not going anywhere. When you’re ready to go to the police, I’ll go with you, okay?”
“What?” I looked up, confused.
“Tom won’t be able to hurt anyone again. The police will want to talk to you about...what happened. They want as many victims to come forward as possible. The more girls that press charges the better the chances are that he’ll be convicted and be put away for a long time.”
“I don’t understand. What are you talking about?” My throat went dry. My hands and feet tingled and an icy chill ran up my spine.
“I knew there was something off about Tom. I should have seen what he was doing. When Bull called and told me what had happened, I had to come back. I couldn’t let that animal get away with it. We knew the only way to stop him was to catch him, so we set him up. We saw him dosing some girl’s drink at a party and we followed them to his room and caught him before he could...well, you know.” Carter looked away, sad and disgusted.
Bile rose in my throat. This couldn’t be happening. Why now? I wasn’t ready to deal with this. My limbs trembled.
“Why? Why did you have to do this? I thought...” My words came out choked, distant. It didn’t matter what I thought. All I knew was that he wasn’t here because of the baby. He still didn’t know, and I couldn’t tell him now. Carter slid closer, gently wrapping his arm around my shoulder. Numbly, I leaned into him.
“I had to stop him. He needed to pay for what he did to you. And don’t think he’ll get away easy.” He pressed me closer, resting his cheek on my head. “Let’s just say Tom won’t be thinking about girls for a while. He made the mistake of trying to resist us taking him in.” He chuckled, a hollow sound that made my stomach twist. “The police didn’t seem too upset about his less than perfect condition when we delivered him to the station. We found the Ketamine he used and the girl he tried to drug was willing to press charges. The cops had enough to charge him and hold him. He couldn’t make bail, so he’s sitting in jail until his hearing. We’ve found two other girls that he did this to, Penny. With your testimony, we can send him away for a long time.”
“I...I can’t.” I pulled away. “You have to go.” I slid off the sofa and backed away. “I want you to leave.”
“I understand why you don’t want to...”
“I’m not going to the police, Carter. My Dad—Richard...and Bill. They don’t know about this. I’m not ready to tell them. Sami should never have told.” By now, I was shaking, my fists clenched at my sides. Carter stood and came towards me. I backed further away. “I want you to leave, now! Get out!”
“Penny, I just want to help you.” He took another step closer, his eyes pleading. By this time heavy footfalls pounded up the stairs.
“What’s going on in here?” Bill burst into the room, an angry frown on his face that transformed his friendly features. Derek filled the doorway behind him.
“I want him out of here.” My emotions erupted and tears flooded my eyes, blurring the hurt and confusion on Carter’s face. I turned and pushed past my father and brother, ran to my room, and slammed the door.
Chapter 39
“Don’t you think it’s time you faced the whole truth?” Leave it to Dr. Eaton to get to the point. Some days, she could be brutal.
“I don’t see why I have to talk about this. There isn’t anything to tell. I don’t remember what happened, so how can I tell the police?” I chewed another cuticle. If I kept it up, I would have no fingers left at all or I would bleed out. I grabbed a tissue and wrapped my finger tightly, a red stain blooming through the layers.
“Talking about what happened is the only way for you to feel in control again. It isn’t so much about the rape itself; it’s about what was taken from you.” She reached in her drawer, rummaged around, and handed me a band aid, then tucked her dark hair over her ear and chewed the end of a pencil.
I ripped the paper off the band aid and wrapped the strip around my little finger, stanching the flow of blood. “What do you mean?” I sighed, tired of being scrutinized and picked apart.
“Rape is not about sex. It’s about control. Tom abused you against your will. He made you feel helpless. He took away your right to say no.” She laid the pencil down. “You need to talk about how that makes you feel, Penny. If you keep it all inside, it will fester like an open wound and infect every relationship you ever have. Before you can trust anyone else, you have to learn to trust yourself again. This is your chance to say “No.” Does that make sense?”
My finger throbbed and I felt like throwing up. “I don’t know...I just keep thinking that if I hadn’t gone with him. If I hadn’t drank that beer. It would never have happened.”
“This was not your fault. If poor judgment were a crime, we’d all be condemned. A lot of kids experiment with alcohol at your age. I’m not condoning under-age drinking, but what you did isn’t the problem. You didn’t deserve to be victimized. He’s the one who committed the crime. Some part of you must want justice—to see him in prison for what he did. I can tell you that you won’t feel whole again until you face this.”
I ran my hands through my hair, cradling my head between my elbows, trying to hold my hands steady. They hadn’t stopped shaking since Carter’s visit four days ago. Sarah had come into my room after Bill and Derek escorted a protesting Carter out of the house. She rocked me for two hours before I finally stopped crying. I didn’t tell Bill anything and he didn’t pressure me, but he hadn’t smiled much the last few days. I missed it.
Sarah took me on that shopping spree the next day and I went through the motions of picking out and trying on maternity clothes. I had no idea what I came home with. I stayed in my room all day Sunday, crying, sleeping—not eating. I ditched school Monday and took the kayak out. Bill didn’t say anything, but he looked scared. I paddled around the lake for hours in the cold, my mind turning over and over the details of what Carter had said. Bill looked relieved when I came back. He hugged me before I left the house and told me to “Hang in there, kiddo. Everything will be okay.” More than anything, I wanted to believe him.
“Okay,” I said, finally.
“Okay, what?” Dr. Eaton asked, studying me carefully.
“I’ll talk to the police. But I need you to do me a favor.” I sat up straighter. “I need your help telling Bill. I don’t want him to hear it from anyone else, and...I don’t think I can face him alone.”
∞∞∞
Bill sat in the chair next to me, his face creased with hard lines as Dr. Eaton explained why she’d asked him to join us. “Penny needs to tell you something. It’s very difficult for her, so please wait until she’s finished before you respond.” She nodded to me.
I took slow breaths, waiting for one to reach my lungs. Bill sat stiff and anxious, his hands folded in his lap. Like tearing off a bandage that had covered a wound too long, I figured quicker had to be better.
“I was...raped...last summer...in August,” I fumbled in spurts. My eyes stayed cast downward, not focused on any one thing.
I heard him gasp and saw his hands move. When I looked up, he had his mouth covered, his eyes clouding with tears. I saw all of the pain, the anger, the questions passing across his face, and I suddenly wanted to explain, afraid of what he was thinking.
“It wasn’t Carter,” I said. I looked down again. “It was his roommate, Tom.”
; I heard a pained exhale. “What about the baby?” he asked, his voice low and controlled. When I glanced back up, his hands had balled into tight fists. I wanted to take that pitiful, frightened look out of his eyes.
“The baby is Carter’s.” I saw his relief and I let out a breath, my shoulders relaxing for the first time in days. Dr. Eaton and I took turns explaining the details of what had happened, answered Bill’s questions and discussed what came next. He agreed that I should press charges and do all I could to put “that monster” behind bars, but he made it clear he would support me whatever I decided to do.
We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening at the police station. I gave my statement, identified Tom by picking out his photograph from a choice of five creepy looking characters, and agreed to testify in court to what details I could remember. Bill held my hand, his warmth and strength calming my shaky limbs. When we got home, the house was in darkness.
“Let me fix you some soup. You haven’t eaten much the last few days.” Bill busied himself in the kitchen while I lay on the couch in the living room, looking out at the moon, giant and bright, dancing across the cold black lake. I sat up as he came into the room. He set the mug of turkey soup on the coffee table and sat down next to me.
“You’ve had quite a rough time of it, haven’t you?”
“You could say that.” I sighed and picked up the mug, sipping the soothing hot broth.
“I know this is hard to believe right now, but the worst is over. Things will get better. You have a long, happy, healthy life ahead of you, Penelope.”
“You’re right. It is hard to believe. Tell me again tomorrow, will you?” I slurped the soup from the mug, grateful for the warmth more than anything. I shivered.