by PJ Sharon
My pulse skipped and my jaw dropped. I closed my mouth and swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.
“You were so perfect—the spitting image of your mother.” He had a sad smile on his face and a far off look in his eyes. Then the smile disappeared. “By the time you were a toddler, I knew you weren’t mine. Paternity tests weren’t common back then and we didn’t...want to know. I hoped not seeing the proof would be enough to make it not true. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but I started to pull away from you. Maybe I was trying to punish your mother—I don’t know. But I knew that the day would come that I would lose you to him—to Bill. I knew I would lose you both. I couldn’t bear the pain of it, so I tried to shut you out.”
My throat constricted, too tight to speak.
“To my everlasting shame and regret, I shut you out. It wasn’t anything you did. You were a perfect child—every father’s dream. You were smart and funny, cute as a button from day one. But you weren’t mine and I couldn’t let myself get close knowing that someday, your mother might leave me and take you with her. I didn’t mean to hurt you...but I know I did. You deserved so much more than I gave you.”
By now, tears streamed down both of our faces. “I thought you didn’t love me.” My voice croaked out in a whisper.
“You’re wrong. It was because I loved you so much.” He touched my cheek and then stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned into the warmth of his hand, my heart aching with the contact. My whole life, I’d wanted him to love me, hold me—comfort me.
“I wish I’d known,” I whispered. Our lives could have been so different. But there was no use looking back. I couldn’t change the past, and I had no idea what tomorrow might bring, but I could be here now, living in the gift of the present. I opened my eyes and studied his face for a moment, seeing him for the first time as a person, not as the parent I had expected to be perfect and always found lacking.
“I put you through so much. Can you ever forgive me?” he begged, his dark eyes pools of desperation.
Carter’s words came back to me. Everyone deserves a second chance. The thing was, by forgiving Carter and asking him to forgive me; I had given us all a second chance. How could I not do the same for the one person who needed it most? Fear and stubborn pride had come between us for too long. I thought about how much pride Richard had swallowed to let Bill help financially when my skating and Mom’s medical expenses had become too much. Bill had admitted to it all, though somehow I’d always known there was someone watching over us. They had all sacrificed so much.
“I do forgive you.” I smiled through my tears, and then hugged him. He didn’t stiffen or pull back as he had so many times before. This time he clung to me. I closed my eyes and soaked in the feeling of peace that washed over me, and whispered, “Nobody’s perfect, Dad.”
Epilogue
Saturday, February 26
I brought home a beautiful new baby boy, Tyler Richard McCray, born three days before my eighteenth birthday. After twelve excruciating hours of me sweating, grunting, screaming, and pushing, he popped into the world howling like mad. He is six pounds, ten ounces and nineteen inches long, and is as healthy and happy as a baby can be. I can see why all parents think their babies are perfect. I never imagined that I could love another human being so much, though I’ll admit that I’m terrified of making mistakes. Luckily, I’m not in this alone.
Carter stayed with me through the labor, coaching me to breathe like we learned in Lamaze classes. He even got to cut the cord. I thought he’d be squeamish about the whole thing, but he grinned like he’d just performed a successful brain transplant. I think we are both happier and more excited than either of us thought possible.
As I watch our baby sleep now, I wonder what he will be when he grows up. What sports will he play? Will he be a good student? Will I teach him to skate? What will be his favorite color? Green, like his grandmother’s—a woman I will tell him stories about? Or blue like his daddy’s and mine? I wonder who he will choose to be. And I hope I can love him enough to let him decide.
Carter moved back into Sunny’s house, but we see each other almost every day. He transferred to the engineering program at Northfield State, and got his job back at Fed Ex. His Mom is doing a lot better these days and told him she doesn’t need his help anymore. She understands that he has a family of his own to take care of now. His sister Meg is thrilled to be an auntie. She can’t wait to come out to the lake this summer and meet us.
I took Bill up on his offer to have him tutor me for the rest of the school year. It doesn’t feel like quitting anymore. I’ll still get to graduate with my class, but now I’ll get to stay at home with my son. I can’t even think about leaving him with someone else while I sit learning Latin verb conjugation or calculus theorems. I’ll start teaching three days a week at the rink next month, and after some convincing, the school has allowed me to use that as my PE credit. Bill says that I’ll probably be ready for a break from the baby by then. I’m sure he’s right, but for now we are inseparable.
Being apart will seem weird since we’ve been so connected for nine months. It’s not like I don’t have baby sitters lining up at the door, though. Sarah, Richard, Bill, and Derek are over the moon about our newest family member and even Sami turned to mush and babbled when she held him. I guess I’ll miss being with my friends every day, but somehow, proms and fitting into the social order of high school have lost their importance.
I’m a mother, and living in the adult world of selflessness and sacrifice in the name of love. I hope I can find balance in this new world—that I can learn to give without giving up who I am. I still have so much growing up to do myself. I understand my parents better now and I’m grateful for all they have given me, each in their own way. I wish my mother was here to meet Tyler...and to answer the thousand questions I have every day about how to be a mother. I continue to grieve her absence, healing in little tiny pieces and then shattering in new ways when I think of all she will miss...of all we will miss of her.
She had so many dreams for me. I hope she isn’t disappointed. I’ll always have skating, but I think I want to teach English someday. It’s what I’m good at and I love the order and beauty of it. Using words to express who we are is like creating a flower garden that is as unique as the gardener. But that’s the future, and I’m learning to take things one day at a time. I remember Mom saying not to borrow trouble—that today has enough troubles of its own. She was right about so many things, and yet my nature is to look forward and plan, plan, plan. I take deep breaths and remind myself of the consequences of putting all that pressure on myself.
College will be there a year from now, and when I’m ready, Bill and Richard have promised to help me through it. It’s strange to know that they’ve become friends, but the common ground of love has forged an unexpected bond. Richard said I was welcomed to move back home anytime, but he understands if I want to stay here with Bill. He still has a lot to work out on his own.
In the spring, my dads are planning to renovate the boat house, and Carter, Tyler and I will move in. We talked about marriage, but we are in agreement that with everything that has happened this year, we want to take it slow and be sure we’re both ready for that kind of commitment. Being parents together will be enough responsibility for both of us. For now, that’s enough for me. I’m learning to live in the moment, and to have an “attitude of gratitude,” as they say in the Al-Anon program.
Counseling is hard. In digging through all of the debris, I’m finding all the parts of who I am. Maybe eventually, they’ll add up to a whole, healthy person. “Recovery isn’t for cowards,” Richard reminds me.
The toughest assignment I’ve had from Dr. Eaton is posting on my bathroom mirror, a picture of myself at twelve (when I was at my “chunkiest” and my life had taken a left turn into the world of cancer and self-loathing) and saying to that girl, “I love you, and I’m going to take care of you today.”
It took me a
month to be able to say the words out loud, another month to say it without crying, and I’m still working on the “believing it” part. I’ve been going to the Rape Recovery meetings on Monday nights and I think it will take a while to feel like the earth is solid under my feet. But I think Mom would be happy for me, and maybe even proud of me.
I’ve learned some painful lessons this year about truth—mainly, that I can’t hide from it. Dr. Eaton says that people lie for two reasons. Either they lie because they are seeking to gain approval or to avoid disapproval. I’ve lied for both reasons and neither is worth the cost. Honesty takes courage. It requires us to be transparent to other people—to be vulnerable—to detach ourselves from the expectations of others. To believe that we are loveable exactly as we are, and to know that our imperfections are what make us so perfectly human.
Author’s Note
ON THIN ICE is the book of my heart. Of course, they all are in one way or another, but Penny’s story is most like my own. She and I share many life experiences, including dipping our toes in the competitive figure skating pond, suffering an eating disorder, losing our mothers to cancer when we were sixteen, and surviving a dysfunctional family and a teen pregnancy.
Some readers may feel that too many serious life issues were addressed within this story, but the fact is, many teens have to deal with whatever life throws at them. Sometimes that means multiple dramas at once. That was certainly the case for me. But not only did I survive, today I count myself blessed. With hard work, the love of family and friends, and a large dose of faith, I’m a healthy, happy, productive individual. I eventually married the love of my life, have two wonderful sons, grandkids and meaningful work that allows me to make a positive difference in people’s lives every day.
My sincerest thanks go out to my readers, without whose feedback and praise, I would not have a reason to write on. Thank you, too, to my editor on this project, Carol Lacoss. To my family and friends who continue to support me in my growth and recovery,
Bless you!
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, business establishments, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, or as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior written permission from the author. Please respect the hard work of the author and do not support piracy.
Cover stock photos by 123rf.com
Cover design by Addy Overbeeke
ON THIN ICE
By PJ Sharon
Copyright 2011
© PJ Sharon
Other Books by PJ Sharon
Girls of Thompson Lake Series
ON THIN ICE
PIECES of LOVE
SAMI’S CHRISTMAS WISH LIST
(A GIRLS of THOMPSON LAKE Novella)
SAVAGE CINDERELLA
FINDING HOPE
(Savage Cinderella Novella #1)
LOST BOYS
(Savage Cinderella Novella #2
SACRED GROUND
(Savage Cinderella Novella #3)
The Chronicles of Lily Carmichael Trilogy
WANING MOON
WESTERN DESERT
HEALING WATERS
SOUL REDEMPTION (A Prequel Novella)
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Also by PJ Sharon
A Girls of Thompson Lake Novella
Sami's Christmas Wish List
Chronicles of Lily Carmichael
Waning Moon
Western Desert
Healing Waters
Girls of Thompson Lake
Heaven is for Heroes
On Thin Ice
Pieces of Love
Savage Cinderella Novella Series
Finding Hope
Sacred Ground
Lost Boys
Savage Cinderella
Standalone
The Girls of Thompson Lake
Watch for more at PJ Sharon’s site.
About the Author
In addition to her day job as a Massage Therapist, Personal Trainer, and Yoga Instructor, PJ Sharon is an award-winning author of young adult books, including PIECES of LOVE, HEAVEN is for HEROES, ON THIN ICE, and Holt Medallion winner SAVAGE CINDERELLA. Follow the Savage Cinderella Novella Series with FINDING HOPE, LOST BOYS, and SACRED GROUND.
HEALING WATERS completes her YA dystopian trilogy, The Chronicles of Lily Carmichael, which RT Book Reviews calls “An action-packed read with a strong female lead.”
Her debut non-fiction title Overcome Your Sedentary Lifestyle (A Practical Guide to Improving Health, Fitness, and Well-being for Desk Dwellers and Couch Potatoes) is a holistic living, self-help guide packed with easy to implement tips sure to motivate today’s sedentary masses toward a more balanced and active lifestyle. For more info on PJ’s books and updates on new releases, sign up for her newsletter or visit her website.
Read more at PJ Sharon’s site.