by Brandi Rarus
“We think that the best thing for everyone concerned is placing the baby for adoption,” Jess’s father finally said.
BJ, still trying to relax in the loveseat, hadn’t said another word. While he could see why Jess’s parents were angry with him, he still felt awful about it. He wished the conversation would focus more on his and Jess’s relationship. He longed to know what was in her heart and on her mind, and he wanted to share his feelings with her because he truly cared about her and because he thought it would help him to be with his baby.
The fact was that Jess would have had a relationship with him if only he had told her that he wanted one. But they were like star-crossed lovers, and the situation was taking on a life of its own. Clearly, other forces were at play.
Two weeks later, the discussion continued for them and their parents at Perkins. Jess had wanted BJ to learn about adoption, so a meeting with Marlys was arranged.
“The New Horizons Adoption Agency has had great success with placing babies for adoption,” Marlys said in a friendly, neutral manner. “We help birth parents and adoptive families find suitable matches.”
Marlys continued, “In a closed adoption, the adoptive parents and the birth parents have no contact after the placement is made. In a semi-open adoption, the adoptive parents send the birth parents annual updates about the child, via the adoption agency. In an open adoption, the adoptive parents and the birth parents work out their own arrangement.”
BJ listened. However, it was very hard for him to take in what Marlys was saying because he could tell that from the moment she laid eyes on him she didn’t like him. Sure, she smiled and was friendly. However, the way she seemed to just stare right through him made him wonder if, just like Jess’s parents, she blamed him entirely for what had happened and for trying to hurt Jess.
While he just sat there and let his parents do most of the talking, he was thinking, Stop casting me aside. You need to know that if my child were with me, in my world, surrounded by all the wonderful people who love me, she would have everything she ever needs. Unlike his parents, BJ knew single mothers and fathers whom, he believed, were very good parents. He was even friendly with their kids and appreciated that it wasn’t easy for them not having a mother or father around. But he honestly believed that they were happy and thriving.
Financially, he believed he could swing it. Between construction and landscaping, the jobs had been plentiful, and he believed that he could get extra work, if he needed it, as well. His father had already talked to him about money and the practical side of things, and he listened. BJ always listened whenever his parents talked to him, and he loved hearing their perspective, but some things in life he just had to figure out on his own so that he could live with himself later on.
He pictured buying a small house, near his parents’ house. While he was working, his parents, brother, and sister would help take care of the child; they’d already told him they would—and he knew that they were that kind of family. He reminded himself that his parents had already raised three children, and his brother was raising two.
“You’re going to be carting this child back and forth, the two of you ending up hating each other,” Jess’s father continued. He was so angry at BJ—he even thought about suing him for statutory rape, even though he didn’t have a case. Marlys, thank goodness, helped him to come to his senses.
“Well, I hope that you’ll at least think about adoption, BJ,” Marlys finally said.
The meeting ended without bringing them any closer to a resolution.
As the weeks passed, BJ’s resentment and anxiety grew. He just couldn’t understand why Jess was still keeping him in the dark about his own baby. He didn’t know that there was a veil between them. He continued calling her, still hoping to talk things out. Then when he didn’t reach her, he became afraid that something terrible had happened—to both her and the baby. The not knowing was killing him. The more that she ignored him, the more he needed to be heard and the more he felt victimized and as if he had no control of the situation.
Like always, he turned to his family—his parents, and of course his brother, who because of his trials with his own children, was particularly sensitive to BJ’s situation. He also had an incredibly strong bond with his sister; either they were fighting fiercely, or they were the best of friends. Only a year apart in age, she was like a second mother to him and got away with saying things that nobody else could ever say to him. When BJ had introduced her to Jess on the night of the tournament, she did not have a good feeling about it. She even asked him, “BJ, what are you thinking?” Later on, when the whole story came out, she came down hard on him, saying that he shouldn’t have slept with someone so young, and that for goodness sakes, he should have used some protection.
He also had his friends. When they went out for a few drinks, BJ unloaded all of his anguish and frustrations about being out of the loop and about the possibility of never being able to meet his own child. He questioned if he was being selfish by wanting to be with Jess, but didn’t think that he was. But he also felt that what he wanted would probably never happen, as if somehow he had always known the inevitable. He talked about his depression, and he cried.
From the very start, BJ did understand why Jess was pushing for adoption. He appreciated that it was her body—that she was the one who was pregnant, and the one who would soon give birth, and that if she relinquished her child, she might feel like she was giving up a big part of herself. Despite all of that, BJ believed that his child belonged with him.
* * *
BACK AT FAIRMONT High School, Jess’s predicament spread like wildfire; the first day back from summer vacation, she was the talk of the school. The die was cast the moment she called the school’s gossip queen while driving home from Planned Parenthood. She couldn’t even walk down the halls without girls calling her “slut” or “whore.” Every time she turned around, she heard them whispering about her behind her back. Then the next day, those same girls came over to her all excited, asking if they could feel her belly. It made her nauseated.
The school was incredibly cliquey, and Jess had been in the “popular” clique. During free periods, they all hung around by the lockers and in the cafeteria, and after school at Gomsrud Park, where Jess had met with BJ. But now, feeling ostracized, she threw herself into her schoolwork and went from class to class, hardly talking to anyone. She lost a lot of friends. On some mornings, she practically had to force herself to go to school because she didn’t want to face the girls. She felt like a lone soldier out there.
Thank goodness for her “Circle of Trust,” the four friends she hung out with during last period each day, when seniors could do whatever they wanted. The five of them met by the locker area and then sat around eating Peanut M&Ms and drinking Dr. Pepper while telling each other their secrets and stories. Over the months, they’d take pictures of Jess’s belly, noticing how much it had grown.
Jess told it to them straight: “I gained another three pounds. I felt the baby kick. I had my ultrasound. It’s definitely a girl.”
Yet she never told them how BJ had made her so angry that she completely brushed him aside, how her future and her baby’s future weighed so heavily on her mind, and how not knowing what to do was driving her insane.
Really, she’d sit there, thinking, I could raise her. Or BJ could raise her. Or his parents could. Or I could raise her with BJ. Or I could ask my father to help me raise her. Or I could raise her and not let BJ even see her. Or, I could place her for adoption, which might be closed, semi-open, or open.
Years later, Jess would get a real scream out of the movie Juno, where Ellen Page plays a birth mother right around her age. Jess would sit on the couch eating popcorn while watching her life unfolding on the big screen—especially the scenes where Juno walks down the halls at school while everyone is staring at her, and when she’s lying in the hospital bed and crying, and her father tells her that someday she will have children of her own. She often wat
ches the movie on Zoe’s birthday.
But back then, time passed. Fall turned to winter, and under guidance from Marlys, Jess went from wanting to raise her baby, to not being so sure, to ultimately wanting to place her for adoption. It wasn’t a straightforward process because the closer she got to her due date, the more attached to the baby she became, and the more she wanted to keep her. Yet, going through the process of adoption made her feel more at ease and confident in herself and in her decision.
Now she walked down the halls at school not hiding her belly at all and almost flaunting it. As if making a statement, she told everyone, “I chose life”—meaning that she had chosen to give her baby the best life she believed she could while understanding that it was one of the biggest sacrifices she’d ever make.
Fortunately, she had enough credits to graduate early. The last thing she wanted was her water breaking in the middle of class or to have to go back to school after the baby was born. By December, she was even enjoying her pregnancy—both she and her mother were enjoying it together. They just didn’t focus on the giving-up part. While Jess’s father had urged her, all along, to place the baby for adoption, her mother had told her that whatever she decided, she was behind her 110 percent. When Jess’s doubts welled up from within, her mom assured her that she was doing the right thing—for both herself and the baby. She’d tell her that she would probably doubt her decision, until enough time had passed and she knew in her heart that she had chosen wisely.
She also made Jess a “Parenting List” by writing down the pros and cons of both parenting and adoption, and whenever Jess had a tough day, she read it to her, so that Jess would see, in black and white, how many more positives there were for placing her baby for adoption.
PARENTING
ADOPTION
I will be working at McDonald’s for 15 years.
Giving a family a child (who couldn’t have one).
I will be on welfare for 15 years.
I’ll be able to go to college and live happily.
I won’t go to college.
She’ll be able to get the life she wants and deserves.
No future with a boyfriend.
I will see her again someday.
I won’t be able to provide her with everything she wants and needs.
I would be with my baby and feel fulfilled, I guess.
I will be able to keep in touch and get pictures and letters, so it’s not like she’ll be completely out of my life.
Around Christmas, the time came for Jess to select an adoptive family for her daughter. She wanted a married couple, who were Lutheran, and who lived not too close but not too far away. She was interested in having a semi-open adoption, where she would receive annual updates from her child’s adoptive parents telling her how her daughter was doing. One afternoon, she met Marlys at Perkins, and Marlys had a stack of portfolios for her to review from prospective adoptive parents.
What a pile of possibilities! Some of the couples had no children; others had four or five. One had snakes, another shared their home with five dogs, and another had a pet iguana. But one couple seemed perfect.
Their names were Sandy and Stephane. Sandy was from Minnesota and was a speech pathologist, and Stephane, who was born in Orleans, France, was an electronics engineer. Jess loved the idea of her daughter being exposed to a different culture, and Sandy and Stephane had already adopted their son, Antoine, who was two-and-a-half, so Jess figured that they knew what she was going through. A meeting was arranged at Perkins Restaurant.
It was raining when Jess and her parents pulled into the Perkins parking lot. When they walked in, Sandy and Stephane were already sitting at a table. Jess immediately recognized them from their photographs: Sandy with her shoulder-length blonde hair and wire-rimmed glasses, and Stephane with his heavy-set build and very short, dark hair. The couple stood up to greet them.
How surreal it was to be meeting people who might eventually become her child’s parents. It was sort of like being in a science fiction movie, but Sandy and Stephane seemed warm and genuine, which helped put Jess at ease.
“We understand that you’re Lutheran,” Jess’s mother began.
“Actually, we’re Methodist,” Stephane said politely with a thick French accent, “but we believe in God and also believe that you make your own destiny. Life is full of surprises, yes?”
Jess and her parents nodded in agreement. Jess liked the sound of Stephane’s accent, and she imagined a little girl about three years old sitting on his lap.
“When is your due date, Jess?” Sandy asked and then took a sip of coffee.
“March 26,” Jess replied, “I’m 99 percent sure that I want to place her for adoption. I’m having a girl.”
“Yes, we were very happy to hear that from Marlys,” Stephane said. “How is your pregnancy coming along?”
“Oh, great. I feel very connected to her, and all the tests have come back fine,” Jess replied. “It’s been unreal being pregnant. I’m sure that I’ll never forget it.”
Sandy smiled at her, politely. She was a little hesitant, at first, because Jess and her parents had rescheduled the meeting several times, which wasn’t such a big deal. However, Jess’s parents seemed so uneasy.
“Do you go to church?” her father asked.
“Yes, we do,” Sandy quickly responded, adjusting her wire-rimmed glasses, adding, “My sisters and I practically grew up in church. My grandfather was a minister.” She thought it was kind of weird for Jess’s parents to be grilling them about their morals, values, and Christian upbringing, while Jess was sitting there unmarried and pregnant. She began to wonder if this was going to be a pleasant experience or not.
“Back in France, I was brought up as a good Christian, as well,” Stephane added.
“When did you come to the States?” Jess asked him.
“In my late teens, but I didn’t come on a boat; I came on a plane,” he said.
Jess laughed. She seemed like a sweet girl, they thought. It was just that the whole experience was so weird—being interviewed by a complete stranger to see if they were worthy enough to become her baby’s parents. Even though they had gone through a similar experience when adopting Antoine, this situation felt much tenser.
Marlys’s presence helped put them at ease. They trusted her.
“I hear that you have a son,” Jess mentioned, looking down at her big belly. “I’m having a girl.”
“So we hear,” Sandy said, grabbing on to good news. “We’ve always wanted a daughter. One boy. One girl. We’ll be good to go.”
Stephane could tell, by the way that Jess kept looking at her belly, that she wasn’t completely sure that she wanted to place her baby for adoption, which made him a little wary. But he liked her and understood that she had to go through her process, as did they. They all talked for a bit, Jess sharing about graduating high school and her plans for going to college, and that she wanted to become a social worker, and Sandy and Stephane talking about their jobs and their son, Antoine, who was at home with his grandmother.
“I’ve been thinking about names . . . and like Emma Grace,” Jess told them.
Sandy and Stephane quickly exchanged glances then wanting to settle the matter now Stephane said, “Well, we already have an Emma in the family. We’ve been thinking about naming our daughter Celine, after my great-grandmother.” He continued, “We want a French name that’s easy to say and can’t be shortened,” then added, “Americans always get nicknames. What happens if the child doesn’t like it?”
“Grace would be absolutely fine, though,” Sandy interjected. “We could name her Celine Grace.”
Jess thought about it for a minute, and then said okay. She was disappointed but thought that Celine was a pretty name.
Stephane and Sandy were relieved. Then Stephane asked, “What about the birth father, BJ?”
“Oh him . . . he won’t be a problem for you,” Jess quickly sputtered. “He’s not involved in this, at all.”
Jess felt positive too and had made up her mind that Sandy and Stephane were the right parents for her daughter and that she would have a good life with them. She told them that she’d be in touch as soon as the baby was born but didn’t invite them to be present for the baby’s birth. She knew that for one short day, she would want her baby all to herself.
With an adoptive family in place and her due date less than two months away, Jess was now ready to talk to BJ. She felt compelled to convince him to agree to the adoption. They arranged to meet at McDonald’s, but BJ was late, which really ticked her off. When he finally showed up, he seemed as indecisive as ever. Jess pleaded with him to change his mind, going over the benefits of adoption for the umpteenth time, but BJ just said, “I don’t know.”
When Jess told him that she was in the process of choosing an adoptive family for the baby, it was like salt on a wound. The thought of his child being raised by total strangers was just devastating. Yet at the same time, he also felt that if she was going to be placed for adoption, he needed to be involved in the process; as her father, he believed it was his right—his duty—to make sure that she was safe.
Perhaps he should have told Jess that he wanted to be involved, but they left the meeting at more odds than before. Like a time bomb waiting to explode, BJ knew he had to do something but felt that there was nothing he could do but wait. During the following weeks, Jess tried phoning him, but by that point, the tables had turned, and he wasn’t responding to her calls.