by Amanda James
‘They do. But this place is coming from Penny’s parents’ estate.’
‘Nice.’ Just before we get to the road, Helena stops again. ‘Mum, don’t fly off the handle, but I saw your old boss yesterday in Sainsbury’s.’
My heart plummets. If Naomi has splurged all my money worries to my daughter, I’ll…
‘Why didn’t you tell me what Dad had done? I had no idea you were so badly off.’
Fuck. So much for keeping it all a secret. I take a deep breath, but it does no good and my anger spills out with a torrent of words. ‘Bloody Naomi! How dare she tell you my financial situation? This is not what I wanted at all!’
‘She assumed I knew.’ The hurt in Helena’s voice is unmistakable.
I hadn’t thought of this scenario. Shit. I make my voice gentler. ‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I thought I could get a job and then tell you. There’d be no need for you to worry once I was earning again. But there are no vacancies back at my old library, as I’m sure she told you. I’ll have to look elsewhere. Plus, there are plenty of other things I could turn my hand to.’
Helena’s brow furrows and the sympathy in her eyes makes me look away. ‘Like what, Mum?’
‘Loads of stuff. There are other libraries in Cornwall, you know, and if not then I’ll work in a shop, stack shelves, clean floors. I will make it work. I always do.’
Helena tries a smile. ‘I know you will… but you could just sell the house though, that would be the most sensible soluti–’
‘No bloody way!’ My raised voice makes a woman walking her dog glance in our direction. I see the hurt in Helena’s eyes and the surprise in Adam’s and silently curse Naomi. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I just wanted to keep it from you until it was all sorted.’
‘Don’t apologise. I know you did. I want you to know that I am here for you, Carl too. If there’s anything at all we can do. We don’t have many savings, but–’
I put my hands up. There was no sodding way I’d ever borrow money from my child. ‘Thanks, love, but we’re not at that stage yet, and we won’t be.’ I find a smile from somewhere. ‘Come on then. Let’s go and have coffee with my old shithead boyfriend and his lying wife you’re so eager to meet!’
As we walk into the café, Dan grins and leaps up from a table by the window as if he’s on springs. ‘Sam, over here!’ He waves us over and pulls out two chairs.
Penny raises a hand but stays seated. We wave back, and Helena says from the corner of her mouth, ‘He’s a bit of all right for an old guy. Can’t say the same for frumpy drawers though.’
I give her an elbow dig and try not to burst out laughing. Penny stands up, hand outstretched. Helena shakes it. ‘Hi, Penny, Mum’s told me all about you.’
I cringe inwardly, then Helena gives Dan her biggest and brightest smile. ‘And you too, Dan.’
Dan gets predictably flirty, saying how much she looks like me when I was younger, and kisses the back of Helena’s hand. Penny rolls her eyes at me behind his back, and I laugh. Then they both say how wonderful Adam is and I ask the lady behind the counter for a high chair.
After we order, Helena gives me a cheeky wink and asks what I was like as a kid. Penny shakes her head and pulls down the corners of her mouth. ‘She was a bloody nightmare. Always getting into trouble with the teachers, and your grandparents were always in school in front of the Head.’
Dan nods vigorously. ‘Yeah, God knows how she didn’t get expelled.’
Helena looks at their straight faces and raises her eyebrows. I busy myself with Adam so my daughter can’t see I’m desperately hiding a smile. Dan is the first to crack out laughing, shortly followed by Penny. ‘No. We’re pulling your leg. She was the perfect student really!’
Helena smiles, though her words hold no humour. ‘I knew that. Mum’s told me… shall we say bits and pieces about those days. Particularly the latter years.’
I flash a warning at her and change the subject with a bright and breezy, ‘Any luck with the holiday house?’
Dan grins. ‘We have indeed, a lovely little place overlooking Fistral Beach!’ He pauses while the waitress sets the coffee and cake on the table and my heart sinks. I’ll never be rid of them now. ‘Stunning views hasn’t it, Pen?’
Penny looks much less enthusiastic than her husband. ‘It does, but we haven’t plans to buy it at the moment. We’re not sure if it’s right for us so we’re just renting until we decide.’ She stirs her coffee and offers a fake smile.
‘You mean you’re not sure,’ Dan says. ‘Penny’s a bit wary about dipping into her parents’ legacy, hey, dear?’ The glare he shoots his wife could curdle milk and I share a knowing look with Helena.
Penny sighs and turns her back on her husband, leans across to Adam. ‘Just being cautious that’s all… one of us has to be. Anyway, if you’re so determined, take it out of the business profits.’ Then her face lights up as Adam slaps a sticky hand on hers. ‘Oh, what a darling boy! How gorgeous are you?’
I watch Penny with Adam as I pour tea and pass a cup to Helena and Dan. Penny’s cooing and giggling, a smile on her face as wide as the sky. The woman clearly adores kids and it must have been so hard for her to go through life without children of her own. I can’t imagine what my life would be without my children and grandson, particularly now after losing my darling husband.
Helena blows across her cup, puts on her mischievous face and looks at Dan. I nearly choke on the cake. Oh God, now what?
‘In the end, I suppose that’s the secret of a good marriage though. You know, being able to compromise,’ she says. Innocent enough but I know my daughter.
Dan frowns. ‘Not sure I get you.’
‘You agreed to rent instead of buy. The best of both worlds.’
Dan snorts and leans back in his chair. ‘As I said, I want to buy, but Penny has a tight rein on the bloody purse strings. Yes, we have other money, but I need that for earmarked investments.’ His face darkens in barely concealed frustration and Penny raises her cooing and ahhing a level. If she is attempting to cover the awkward silence, she’s failing.
‘Oh, I see. Sorry, I didn’t mean to chuck a spanner in the works.’ Helena turns her bottom lip down and shrugs.
I can tell that’s exactly what Helena wanted to do. Of course, it’s to be expected that Helena wants to hurt them in some way because they betrayed me all those years ago, but it seems a bit pointless really. What good will it do?
‘Don’t worry about it.’ Dan waves his hand dismissively. ‘You weren’t to know that my wife has her own account with a shed load of dosh in it I can’t access.’
Penny falls silent and I notice her back stiffen. Helena looks sheepish, as well she might, and Dan’s jaw is jumping where he’s clenching his teeth. When we were together all those years ago, I always knew that was a sign he was barely holding it together. Time to head things off at the pass. ‘If you have a place overlooking Fistral it must be pretty special, so that’s all that matters really,’ I say with what I hope is a winning smile.
‘Yes. Must be stunning,’ Helena chips in, obviously realising she’s gone too far.
The tense atmosphere unwinds a little. Penny starts talking to Adam again and Dan unclenches his jaw, digs his fork into his chocolate cake and says, ‘It is stunning, yes.’ Then through a huge mouthful adds, ‘Nowhere near as wonderful as your mum’s place though.’
‘It does take some beating, hey, Mum?’ Helena says.
‘I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.’ I allow my shoulders to come down from my ears and I tuck into the cake once more.
‘Still reckon it would make a fabulous retreat though.’ Dan winks at me and dabs a napkin to the corners of his mouth.
‘Retreat?’ Helena frowns.
Oh great. Not this again.
‘Yes, I said to your mum when we visited the other day what a fantastic writing retreat it would make. I’ve since thought that a nice little bungalow down the end… yo
u know, in the overgrown part of that huge garden that’s not in use. It would work well. It has a great view, that end being raised as it is, and a veranda would provide a wonderful writing space with views of the ocean. That way the retreat would be totally separate and so the guests wouldn’t have to bother your mum at all. Unless she wanted to offer tuition of course. It could sometimes be used as a holiday let too.’
I try to block out the animated conversation batting back and forth between my daughter and Dan. Dan’s gushing about what else he would do if he had half a chance, and she’s hanging on every word. Dear God. And to think that she said on the beach she’d know if he was a shit or not in five seconds flat. I try to engage Penny in conversation, but she’s too smitten by Adam to say much, so I finish my cake and push my plate away, lost in my own thoughts.
‘Mum, what do you think?’
I look at Helena’s shiny eyes and excited expression. ‘About what?’
‘Haven’t you been listening?’ Helena heaves a sigh.
‘I must admit I did switch off a bit. I heard you two jabbering on about making my house into a writing retreat – not interested.’
‘But why the hell not? It would make a lot of sense to let Dan buy into your place. Under the circumstances it would be the perfect solution.’
Dan’s eyebrows go up at this as fast as my stomach plummets. Dear God, she’s not going to tell him, is she?
‘What circumstances?’ Dan pushes his plate away, leans forward.
I shake my head and glare at my daughter, but Helena either doesn’t notice or chooses not to. ‘Mum could use the money, what with the situation Dad left her in.’ Helena sighs and gives me an encouraging smile. ‘She doesn’t like to say anything, being such a strong woman, but everyone needs a little help now and then, a nudge in the right direction.’ She turns her smile on Dan next. ‘Your plan would be ideal. There’s no way Mum should turn you down if she wants to stay in that house.’ Then she goes on to briefly explain what happened.
I put my head in my hands and heave a sigh. How could she? No. How bloody dare she! Dan’s prattling on about fate and serendipity and then his hand is on my shoulder. ‘At least think about it, love. We are old friends, so there’s trust already and you know Pen and I only have your best interests at heart. If you came into business with me, there’d be no fear of losing anything. It would be a win-win for everyone,’ he says in a soothing voice.
That was it. The fury I’ve been holding back is unleashed into the café. It’s harsh, hungry and out for blood. ‘Trust! That’s bloody rich! I trusted the pair of you when we were kids and look how that turned out for me. The first chance you get, my first love and best friend shag each other’s brains out behind my back!’ I suddenly realise I’m standing up and waving my arms about. There’s pin-drop silence. People are gawping, but I couldn’t give a shit. Then I turn to Helena. ‘And you!’ I stab a finger through the air. ‘How could you spill it all like that? After everything we talked about on the beach.’
Helena opens and closes her mouth goldfish-like for a few seconds and her eyes fill. Then Adam sends up a wail. He’s not used to Granny shouting at his mummy. Some people have started to talk again but most are still watching the spectacle. A lump of humiliation and frustration rises in my throat and I just have to get out of here. Fast. Blinking away unshed tears, I grab my coat and bag, knocking a chair sideways in my hurry and barge out of the café. Helena calls me back and I think Dan says something about going after me. There’s no bloody way I’ll let that happen and I take off like a hare up the steep road home.
Once inside the house, I slam and lock the door, then slide my back down it and collapse in a heap on the cool ceramic tiles.
‘That was bloody marvellous wasn’t it, Sam? Not your finest fucking hour.’
My words ring hollow in the empty hallway. An ocean of tears wait, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them fall. And why should I feel in any way to blame? Okay, so I’d made a holy show of myself in the local café, but only as a response to Helena’s outrageous behaviour. Had she taken leave of her senses? And as for Dan? There were no words for his little speech…
God knows what Penny’s reaction had been, I hadn’t even looked at her, but I can bet it wouldn’t have been favourable. Come into business with Pen and me, he’d said. Him he meant. Penny would rather eat a dead dog than have her wayward husband invest in this house. I haul myself up and head for the gin. There’s no way Dan will ever get his grubby little hands on any part of this house unless it’s over my dead body, and I have no plan of shuffling off this mortal coil just yet.
Neat gin in hand, I go outside, lean my elbows on the balcony rail and stare out over the Atlantic to where the navy horizon meets the azure afternoon sky. I take deep breaths of sea air and wish for the millionth time that Adam were still here by my side.
‘God, why did you have to die, Adam?’ I ask the bottom of my glass.
The glass doesn’t answer, neither does God. I toss the last of the gin down my throat and cough as it goes down the wrong way. Banging the glass down on the table I shove my fingers through my hair and close my eyes. What a bloody mess, but no point in asking stupid questions and wallowing. Nevertheless, I say to the sea, ‘You’re on your own, lass, so what the hell are you going to do, eh?’
Right now, I have no clue. But one thing is for sure, I’d better hurry up and find one.
8
June. How can it be June already? I put the calendar back on the wall and look at the cheery picture on it. A verdant meadow speckled with wild colourful summer flowers and a glimpse of blue ocean in the distance. Underneath is written June on the South West Coast Path. Adam and I used to walk that path, used to stroll through meadows like that. Everything is “used to” nowadays, always in the past. Never now. Used to, and I feel useless.
Three months of job hunting has turned up a handful of possibilities, none of them libraries because the government has a pathological hatred of them it seems, what with the rate they’re closing them down. Soon they will be all gone. If I’m honest, even if I’d got a post, it wouldn’t pay enough to keep the wolf from the door. Adam’s salary had paid for most things and without it, things looked bleak. There had only been a few shop assistant posts and a few cleaning jobs come up in the area. I’d kidded myself that if I did two or three jobs at once I’d cope, but I wouldn’t. Besides, I’d be so tired I wouldn’t have time to spend with Helena and Adam. And writing? Forget it.
I smooth out a fold in the calendar and heave a sigh. Time to be realistic. Time to end this idealistic “brave Sam against the world making it work” battle.
Time to sell up.
There’s a knock behind me at the kitchen door.
‘Helena, hi. Didn’t hear you come in.’ I re-hang the calendar and walk to the sink.
‘Blimey, Mum, you sound really down this morning.’
‘That’s because I am.’ I point to the kettle and Helena nods. ‘Where’s my lovely boy?’
Helena hoists herself up onto a worktop. ‘Wonders will never cease, but Carl’s got two days owing so he’s taken our boy to the beach.’
‘That’ll be nice. Some father-son bonding time.’ I try to inject some enthusiasm into my voice, but I know it sounds flat, empty, ironed out.
‘No luck with the job hunt then, I’m guessing?’ Helena puts her head on one side and the sympathy in her eyes kicks me in the gut. I hate being pitied.
‘No. I’m particularly down today because I have made a decision to sell up.’ I raise my voice above the kettle, but Helena appears not to have heard.
‘You what?’
‘I said I have decided to–’
‘Yes, I heard what you said, but I didn’t believe it. You can’t, Mum! You’ve fought so hard to keep going and you’ll get there in the end.’
That’s rich. ‘Eh? You said I should sell up when you first knew about my financial problems.’
‘I know, but that was before I saw how determined y
ou were to keep this place. You even turned down Dan’s perfectly good offer.’
‘Yes, because I was living in Cloud Delusional Land.’ I pour water into the cups.
Helena jumps down from the counter and gets milk from the fridge. ‘Are you saying you’d reconsider?’
‘God, no. I’d rather sell than let him own part of this place.’
Helena shakes her head, fixes me with a hard stare just like her dad’s. ‘That makes no fucking sense whatsoever.’
‘No need to get on your high horse.’
‘There is when you are behaving illogically!’
‘What’s illogical about not wanting a controlling self-centred egotistical womaniser taking over your home?’ I bang my mug down on the table and wish I hadn’t. I grab a cloth and mop up the mess.
‘He wouldn’t be taking it over.’ Helena takes the cloth and rinses it through. ‘You never really listened to what he wanted to do, did you? He would own part of it, that’s all. Then he’d build a bungalow in the garden and he’d run the business from that. You would be able to live a separate life if you wanted, or instead you could offer tuition. You could even run the business if you wanted more of an input… rent it as a holiday let sometimes… You and he would share the profits… He’s really very flexible about–’
‘You seem to have remembered an awful lot of details about it all.’ I have a sneaking suspicion that there’ve been further conversations that I’ve not been privy to. Dan was deceitful enough.
Helena’s cheeks colour and she comes to sit at the table. ‘Yes, a few weeks back he phoned to ask how you were. He’s kept in contact now and then.’
I knew it. ‘He bloody what!’
Helena holds her hand up. ‘Mum, he’s worried about you, and since you blocked him on social media and on your phone, he’s no option.’
‘What’s the matter with you? I thought after last time when you told him all about my sodding problems that you’d learnt your lesson. But no. No, you’re having cosy little chats about my well-being behind my back with that bloody conniving snake!’ I see Helena’s face fall, but I can’t believe my daughter is so gullible.