by Amanda James
As I do, he turns, the key still poised in his hand. Then his mouth falls open. ‘Sam?’
‘Hi, Harry, I know me just turning up here must be a shock, but I really need your help.’
27
Harry looks like he’s going to say something, but then turns back to the door and lets himself in. He sets the cat down and she winds herself around his ankles. ‘Shoo, Lulu, before you trip me over!’ He claps his hands and Lulu runs upstairs. To me he says, ‘You’d better come through, but I have loads of marking to do, and my daughter’s coming over in an hour for dinner.’
Relieved that he hasn’t just booted me out, I hurry after him down the hallway and into a spacious and minimalist lounge-diner. There are French windows behind the table looking out onto a pretty garden. He walks towards them and I say, ‘I won’t keep you, Harry, but I really need to get your answers to a few questions.’
Harry drops the folder and books onto the table and shoves his hand through his blond curls. ‘The phone might have saved you a journey,’ he says, irritation clear in his tone.
I give him a look. ‘It would if you’d answer it.’
I get a wry smile, then he pulls out a chair, sweeps his hand towards it. ‘That was a while ago. Anyway, no use in going over that now. Have a seat. Do you want tea, coffee?’
He’s just being polite, so I decline and sit down. ‘I could have tried to phone you again, but face-to-face is best, I feel. Things have happened which I’m hoping you could shed light on. You might not be able to, but…’ A look of irritation flits across his eyes again so I get to the point. ‘Harry, what happened that night at the pub and why did you leave without a word to me the next day? It’s very important that you tell me the absolute truth. My future plans and happiness depend on it.’
Harry frowns and sits down across the table. ‘That sounds serious.’
‘It could be.’
‘Is this to do with Dan?’
A chill of anxiety prickles in my chest. Why would he assume that, if Dan wasn’t involved in his decision to leave in such a hurry? ‘Yes. And just to get you up to speed, we’re supposed to be getting married. Though I’m suspicious about some of the things he’s said and done. I think he might have done something awful and lied to me.’
‘Shit. I was right about him all along, but stupidly believed his lies!’ Harry thumps the table. Then his frown deepens, and he draws his hand down his face. There’s sympathy in his expression but also sadness. Then he sighs, leans back in his chair and strokes his chin. ‘What I’m about to tell you mustn’t be repeated. Not to anyone – especially not to Dan. Do I have your word on this?’ He scans my face, his cool blue eyes serious, his lips a thin line.
I swallow a lump of trepidation. Do I really want to hear this? No. No, I don’t but I have to. Must. ‘I swear on the lives of my children and grandchild. I won’t tell a soul.’
A quick nod. ‘Right. This is what happened that night. I’ll warn you, it does involve your future husband and you won’t like it. Still sure you want to know?’
I breathe in and exhale through my nostrils. Why doesn’t he just get on with it? ‘No, Harry, I don’t. But I must.’
He nods again, looks at me then away out the window. ‘Okay. As soon as you’d gone to the toilet, Dan comes hurrying over to our table. At first I didn’t recognise him in the low light as he had the cords of his hoodie drawn tight around his face…’
My heart rate thumps up the scale and my fingers grip the edges of the chair to force myself to sit and hear the rest. I want to run, scream, but I can’t. I’m trapped like a rabbit in the headlights waiting for impact.
‘He told me that you were still grieving for your husband and had a breakdown not long after. Therefore, you weren’t ready for any other kind of romantic relationship. I said I didn’t take kindly to being warned off and perhaps he was a bit jealous.’ Harry stops, asks if I’m okay.
My voice has deserted me, but I nod for him to continue.
‘Then he says he’s not trying to warn me off, just protecting you, and if I saw you come out of the loo I should tell him, as you wouldn’t understand and would get overwrought. I said I wouldn’t be surprised, and it was obvious that he fancied you himself. That’s when his demeanour changed from wheedling to really shirty. He said I couldn’t hope to understand, that he didn’t just fancy you, he was in love with you, had been for years – tells me your backstory and also what happened to his wife and your part in her death.’ Harry stops, leans his elbows on the table, and blows heavily through his nostrils.
What the fuck? My stomach threatens to come up into my throat, but I manage, ‘I… I don’t understand. What part?’
‘Because you were damaged after losing Adam, you weren’t to be trusted. You wanted revenge on Penny and had psychotic episodes. He told me Penny took her own life because you’d threatened to steal Dan from her, just because you could. Said you were cruel, played with his affections, leading him on then putting a halt to it. That you might be dangerous if you didn’t get your own way. I should leave right then and never contact you again if I knew what was good for me.’
Dear God. I can hardly believe what I’m hearing. ‘The absolute shit! How dare he?’
‘There’s more, unfortunately,’ Harry says quietly, touching my hand. ‘I said how did I know he wasn’t making the whole thing up, so he shows me a newspaper headline on his phone about her suicide in the hot tub at the retreat. I was rattled, I can’t pretend otherwise, but it still could have meant that Dan was out to scare me off, so he could have you for himself – I said as much to him.’
I’m impressed that Harry had so much integrity, given I’d only just met him. But I can see he’s reluctant to carry on. I’m reluctant to hear it but I press him for the rest.
‘This is the worst bit, Sam. I feel ashamed that I cut and ran, but when you hear the last of it you’ll understand, I hope.’ A sigh. ‘Dan said that you’d stop at nothing to get what you want. He said that you knew I had a daughter, but she’d suffer as you had to be number one. If our relationship developed, he’d fear for my daughter’s safety and could I risk that? No, I couldn’t. Of course I couldn’t. I wanted him gone, I told him you’d stepped out of the Ladies and he ran off.’ Harry shakes his head and takes my hand. ‘I’m so sorry I let him get to me. You must have wondered what the hell was wrong when you sat back down.’
Tears push behind my eyes and I take my hand away – pat his as I do, to show him I appreciate his comfort. I can’t have him being nice to me though, or I’ll just collapse into a soggy heap. I brush my tears away, stare at the floor and say, ‘I totally get why you were off with me after all those lies, Harry. But I just wish you’d asked me about it all at the time. I’d have put your mind at rest.’
A quick nod. ‘I was going to the next day. It was a lot to take on, just like that, sprung on me in the middle of dinner – Dan might have been bullshitting, I hoped he was. But I hadn’t known you five minutes and the truth is… I wasn’t sure I could cope with Dan at every turn if we started a relationship. It was clear already that even if you didn’t do what he’d told me you had, and he was just a thuggish ex-boyfriend warning me off, he wouldn’t just disappear quietly into the background.’
‘And that stopped you talking to me the next day and taking off. I really don’t blame you at all, Harry I–’
‘No. No it was something else.’ Harry sighs and shakes his head again. ‘Dan phoned me at midnight just as I’d got into bed. He said that if I was still unsure about sticking around, I’d be sorry. He sounded pissed, to be honest, but I could tell he meant every word. He said you were going to be his at any cost and if I didn’t leave before the morning and never contact you again, neither me nor my daughter would be safe.’
My hand flies to my mouth and a chill runs through my body. I can’t speak, my whole world’s teetering on its axis and about to topple.
Harry continues. ‘That was the last straw. I got out of there because my fa
mily comes first. I’m sorry, Sam, but the man you’re going to marry is a fucking nut job and I’m guessing a very dangerous one at that. I’d put nothing past him.’
Silence grows between us and I wrap my arms around myself, squeeze my chest to stifle a scream. Harry’s last few sentences grow and swell, grow and swell – repeat over and over in my head until I’m deafened by his words. I sit motionless and think about what Dan’s done. What the man I love has done… my future husband. He’s lied to me – lie upon lie, threatened Harry and his daughter with violence, and now there’s no doubt. No doubt at all. He also pushed Alison to what he thought must be certain death. And all of a sudden, a lightning bolt of realisation slams between my eyes. If he’s done all this – what’s to say that he didn’t kill Penny too?
28
Not accepting Harry’s kind offer to stay over might have been a mistake. I didn’t want to intrude on his evening with his daughter though. If I were him I would have wanted me gone, pronto. Such a nice guy. Never mind. My hands grip the wheel as I overtake a huge lorry, its tyres spraying my windscreen with muddy water. Torrential rain. Marvellous. It’s a long drive back to Cornwall, made worse because of my state of mind. I have to keep stopping at services, as I can barely concentrate on the road.
At the next services, I grab a coffee and phone one of our local hotels – book in for the night. I need to have uninterrupted time to myself. Dan thinks I’m at Auntie Kath’s until tomorrow afternoon, so I should have time to decide what to do next by then. My logical brain tells me there’s nothing to decide. My gut reaction at Harry’s news was right. I should cancel the wedding, ditch Dan and be thankful I had a lucky escape. My heart tells me it’s not that simple though and anyway, he won’t give up without a fight. I blow across the surface of my coffee and feel a lump form in my throat. It’s not simple to just switch off my love for him either, is it?
The bedside clock in the hotel room says 12.03am but I’m not tired despite the driving. I phoned Dan about an hour ago to say I missed him and I’d see him tomorrow. That was tough. I had to focus on what Harry had told me to stop myself from breaking down. Dan said he missed me and couldn’t wait to make love to me tomorrow, that the bed was too big. I wonder if we’ll ever sleep in it again after this.
The hotel bed isn’t the comfiest and I thump the pillow, wish I could confide in someone about it all. There’s no one though. I can’t burden anyone else with such serious information. This is something I need to do all by myself.
Unable to lay here any longer, I get up and take a sheet of hotel note paper and pen from the desk and sit at it. Adam always swore by writing down the main points or questions and answers for making important decisions. It helps to clear a path through the swamp of emotion and tangled thoughts. At the top of the page I write:
Things I know to be true about Dan – irrefutable evidence.
1) He is Hoodie Man. He threatened Harry, told vile lies about me, all because he was jealous.
2) Dan was furious with Alison because she told me about their one-night stand. He wanted to go to her house and give her a piece of his mind the day I confronted him. He knew she had a new fitness regime walking the paths because I told him – so it was easy for him to find her if he wanted to.
Things I suspect, but can’t prove:
1) Dan was Hoodie Man following Alison – he pushed her off the cliff to what he assumed was her death. But was it an accident? Did he just stumble, knock into her? Unlikely, but not impossible.
2) If Dan is guilty of doing the above and the Harry thing, how do I know he didn’t drug and kill his wife? He faked a suicide note – is that because it was murder – Penny didn’t kill herself at all? Seems likely… and made me think I had something to do with it. Bastard.
The WHY questions:
Q – Why did he do it all?
A – He will stop at nothing to get me, make me his. He’s always been in love with me and furious with himself for getting caught out all those years ago. He also hates failing. Does he want to control me – dominate my thoughts, my life, my heart?
Q – If he killed Penny, because he adores me so much, why did he choose a way that implicated me? The character in the novel, the antidepressants, told me I had wet hair etc.?
I bite the end of the pen, puzzle over the answers for a while. Go over the past few months, the way he won me over, the way I’ve begun to rely on him so much. I write:
A – Because he wanted me to think I could have done it in a drunken stupor. Acting out my plot – oblivious. He wanted my family to suspect me too. He wanted to be the knight in shining armour, writing the suicide note and rescuing me from the police. Drying my hair when he found me “out of it” (he put something in my drinks to make sure I was) in my bedroom – was my hair even wet? Clearly demonstrating he’d do anything for me…
Even though I later realised the tablets in my cabinet were gone – which he must have taken – he still assured me I couldn’t have done it. When I was at my most vulnerable, Dan believed in my innocence one hundred percent. Dan had unconditional love for me – very important when my children withdrew, became distant. Dan was my only constant. My lifesaver. He made himself indispensable, easy to love.
The clock says 2.10am as I slip under the duvet once more. My face is wet and my heart empty. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Do I cancel the wedding and write a man whom I still love out of my life, on mere suspicion? Is it my overactive writer’s imagination running away with me? Did Dan have nothing to do with Penny – she just killed herself after all, just as I’ve believed for the last few months? Well, mostly. There was a time when I thought I could have done it – particularly with our past history… I wake up even now from troubled dreams of that night. Penny’s screams ringing in my ears, sweat sheathing my skin, sheets tangled – the red glow of that cigarette stark before my eyes in the grey light of dawn.
I turn over, punch my pillow hard, think about Alison. Was her incident just an unfortunate accident? Was Dan hoping to just talk to her and it went horribly wrong and he kept quiet? Then a picture of the irrefutable evidence section concerning Harry floats in my mind, and I ask myself, isn’t that reason alone to leave him anyway? Threats of violence and flights of fantasy. It’s not normal, is it. Could I ever trust him in future? Would I ever believe another word he said?
Two hours later, I think I’ve worked out what to do to get at the truth. I’ve also worked out what I want to do if I get it and he’s guilty. It’d be gut wrenching, and unbearably painful to leave this comfortable love-filled nest my life has at last become. But even though my whole world will be torn apart, I’d have to carry on without him. And is my nest really so cosy? What about the controlling nature, the decisions taken behind my back, who knows what else? Lovelorn, I’ve excused these flashing lights of warning. Jack saw through him, but not me. Stupid idiot that I am. I will not turn into Penny – Dan fooled her all his life. He won’t fool me again, not like he did all those years ago. Getting my temper under control, I remind myself that a person is innocent until proven guilty. Then, utterly exhausted, at last I drift off to sleep.
‘What! You have to be kidding me,’ Dan says, incredulous, leaning forward and staring up at me from the sofa.
‘Nope. That’s what I want, and you’ll thank me for it.’ I smile at him and set the shopping down on the dining room table.
‘I’ll thank you for enforcing celibacy for the next three weeks – I don’t think so.’ He flops back and does his pouty face.
‘But just think how special it will be on our wedding night.’ I pull a bottle of gin out of a carrier and wave it at him. ‘Fancy one of these while I’m getting dinner ready?’
‘I’ll need the whole fucking bottle to get over the shock of no sex we’re British!’ Dan tries a laugh, but it comes out bitter, humourless.
I do my best earnest expression. ‘Please, Dan. It’s something I feel strongly about – it will make me happy.’ And the main thing is I can’t bri
ng myself to have sex with someone so vile, and a potential murderer to boot, I’d like to say, but can’t.
He follows me to the kitchen and watches me unpack the rest of the shopping. ‘If that’s what you really want… but sleeping in the same bed is going to be torture.’
‘Perhaps we shouldn’t then. You could stay at your cottage.’ I take two tumblers out of the cupboard. ‘Which I’ve yet to see the inside of, for some inexplicable reason. You hiding a floozy in there?’
Dan turns his bottom lip down. ‘Wish I did have a floozy now sex is off the menu.’ I give him a withering look. He takes the tumblers and makes us both a G&T. ‘And anyway, it’s not inexplicable. I told you that the place is a complete mess. It’s just a dumping ground ’cos I know I’m going to leave it soon. There’s mucky washing about the place, plates unwashed. Can’t be bothered to clean – never have time. There’s some of Penny’s things in there still too – just don’t want you to see the state it’s in. It might put you off me.’
No. Other things have done that I’m afraid. ‘Okay, keep your secret bachelor pad from me, I don’t care.’
We talk about nothing in particular for a while – the weather, how my Auntie Kath was, the wedding. Then I make a start on dinner, all the time topping up our gin glasses… except when he’s not looking, or out of the room, I pour mine down the sink and fill it with tonic water. Dan’s a bit squiffy, drinking so much on an empty stomach, and puts his hand over his glass the next time I go to top up. ‘Hey, are you trying to get me rat-arsed? Get the dinner on the table, wench, before I wither away!’ He tries to grab me round the waist, but I dodge out of his grasp and drain the rice.