by Andy Boring
else to go. Kevin let himself get really dirty. It smelled like he’d even stopped wiping himself. Keith knew better than to ask him about this or to ask him to take a shower. Keith didn’t know why Kevin was trying to get Keith to bathe him.
Kevin banned Keith from both Applebee’s and Wild Times.
One day Keith passed out from hunger.
Kevin returned from a night at Wild Times to find him collapsed on the couch.
Kevin was drunk and laid into Keith until he woke up.
“Why is the luxurious penthouse so filthy!” Kevin yelled.
“Because you’re a slob,” Keith said.
“If you wouldn’t spend all your time laying around it wouldn’t look like this.”
“I’m very hungry,” Keith said. “I haven’t eaten in ... a really long time.”
“Well maybe if you would clean this place up I’d bring you some food.”
Keith cleaned the penthouse while Kevin played video games. Keith collapsed twice.
The next night Kevin brought Keith leftovers from Applebee’s. Since he’d spent a long time at Wild Times after Applebee’s, the food was really gross and had maybe even gone bad. Not to mention that Kevin had already eaten most of it.
The next day Keith didn’t feel so good and had to call an ambulance because Kevin refused to take him to the doctor.
When Keith came back, Kevin offered to take him to Applebee’s.
“I still don’t feel that great. I don’t know if I’m up for eating and drinking right now.”
“This is very important, Keith. I really think you should come.”
At Applebee’s Kevin refused to buy Keith dinner because he said he wouldn’t eat it.
“I think I’m feeling better now,” Keith said. “I’m actually kind of hungry.”
Kevin shook his head and said, “I’m not buying you any food, Keith.”
“Okay. Well, why did you make me come? You said it was important.”
“I’ll tell you at Wild Times.” Kevin took a bite of his giant hamburger. He looked at the TV and rooted for a sports team. His clothes were really dirty. A cigarette butt fell out of his pocket. He smelled really bad. Keith was embarrassed.
When the check came, Kevin refused to sign it because he was famous and was sure the restaurant would try to profit from his autograph.
He made Keith forge it. Keith signed Kevin’s name. Kevin told Keith the signature made Kevin look like he was retarded, the way Keith signed it.
Keith really wanted to hit Kevin but he refrained.
They went to Wild Times.
In the parking lot of Wild Times, Keith found a fast food bag and rummaged through it. He found two dry french fries and a packet of ketchup. Near the bag of fast food, Kevin found a pretty good size cigarette butt and pocketed it.
They headed for the party patio. Kevin ordered a pitcher of beer but made sure to tell them he only needed one glass.
Kevin lit a used cigarette, leaned back in his chair, and said, “Isn’t this great?”
Keith was hungry and thirsty and couldn’t look around or he would get dizzy.
“This is really the life, Keith. Good beer. Good cigarettes. The total freedom that only a party patio can allow. I’ve been thinking that maybe we spend too much time together. That was great when we were making the review videos but you weren’t very good at it. I don’t think we achieved quite the fame we could have. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re holding me back. You’re like the inside of the bar and I’m like this party patio. I’ve been hanging with John Wad a lot. I think he can do more to help me than you can. So, Keith, I asked you here to tell you that I’m going to need to go away for a while. John’s working on something really important in California and he’s asked that I come along to help. I’ll also need to take all of our filming equipment. Don’t worry, you can stay in the luxurious penthouse. My dad owns the building. You just need to keep it clean and maintain it, maybe replace the balcony with a party patio, and you’ll only have to pay half the rent. Don’t worry, I’ll let you get back on your feet before I expect anything. There’s only one problem.”
Keith thought Kevin would tell him what the problem was but he just took a long drag off his old cigarette and looked out into the dark parking lot.
“What’s the problem?” Keith asked. He sounded really agitated.
“John said I’m starting to smell. Now, we have to be at the airport tomorrow morning and I need to be fresh and clean.”
“So? Go home and take a shower.”
“I think we’ve talked about this.”
“I’m not bathing you, Kevin. It’s the one thing I said I wouldn’t do.”
“Are you willing to throw away everything I’m giving you over this?”
Keith thought about it. He reached for one of the used cigarettes from the small pile Kevin had mounded up. Keith put it in this mouth and Kevin lit it for him. The cigarette was so short Kevin almost burned Keith’s nose with the flame.
Keith exhaled and said, “I guess it would be a lot easier if I was drunk.”
Keith laughed and clapped his hands together. “We’re on the party patio! You’ve come to the right place!”
Kevin ordered another pitcher of beer and, this time, he even requested a second glass.
Later that night, John Wad showed up with his girls. They looked even younger and trashier than the previous ones. John and Kevin only talked to each other. Keith tried to talk to one of the girls but when she asked him if he had any money and he said no, she ignored him.
Keith sat and drank beer after beer while John and Kevin laughed it up and fondled the girls.
They stayed on the party patio until the police told them to leave.
Keith crashed the car in the parking lot of the luxurious penthouse.
Kevin just laughed it off. “You’ve got plenty of time to get it taken care of!”
Kevin smelled really bad. Even worse than before. He’d spent the last hour or so dancing, throwing himself all around the party patio. Also, his pockets were bulging with cigarette butts.
They reached the luxurious penthouse.
Keith went into the kitchen and drank a lot of water. He felt nauseous.
When he went back into the living room, Kevin was naked.
“You promised,” he said.
Kevin walked toward the bathroom.
Keith followed him.