After you finally smash that glass ceiling you'll find yourself at the pinnacle of a very cold, lonely place...
Too true.
Grace set her knitting aside and came over to sit on the floor beside Justine, and said, "How are things going?"
Justine shrugged. "I was just thinking about going back. It's time. I need to find a place to live and figure out what I want to do. I know several places where I can probably get a top position, but they won't be coming here to get me."
"What about Brad?" Grace asked.
Justine looked at Grace. "What about him?"
"Sam said you were having a good time with Sophie and Ricky."
"I was. They're really neat kids."
"So, you're just going to walk out of Brad's life?"
Justine eyed Grace, dubiously. "What are you suggesting?" she asked. Grace's line of questioning was odd.
Grace shrugged. "I'm not suggesting anything really. It just seems like maybe your going back to everything you left behind would be a letdown, after being here this time. Besides, Brad's in love with you."
"Whatever Brad and I feel about each other is irrelevant," Justine said. "Brad needs a mother for Sophie and I'm not exactly the mothering kind."
"You're not the marrying kind either," Grace replied, "but you're also learning what love is and you're about to walk away from it."
"Brad and I both know what I've been in the past," Justine said. "In case you still have on rose-colored glasses when looking at your big sister, I slept with anyone I needed to in order to get where I wanted to go. The only difference between me and a prostitute is that I was paid in company promotions and condos to live in rent free instead of money, and I stayed with guys longer because that's what it took to get me to the next level. Six months with one, eight months with another, almost a year with Sean Elliot. Even with the months between, when I slept alone, it still adds up to a lot of men. But not anymore. Brad's the only man I want, and since I can't have him, I don't want anyone. He's spoiled me for any other man now."
"Then you slept with him too?" Grace asked.
"No, we did it in the stable," Justine replied, laying it out exactly as it had been. The cold hard facts. It was time Grace knew the truth. "Brad didn't come in to do it either. I was the one who got things started. I was expecting him to come, and I was prepared."
"Prepared in what way?" Grace asked, seeming baffled.
"No underwear. Sweat pants. Easy clothes to get off," Justine said. "It was quick, but long enough for me to know that Brad was the only man who could give me what I want."
"I'm sorry for being dense," Grace said, "but I can't imagine that your having sex with Brad in the stable could possibly be giving you what you want."
"Alright. I've slept with a lot of men, but until Brad, I'd never had an orgasm. I hated being with men like that. You were right when you said you'd rather curl up in bed with your Jack every night of your life than be with me and my bed buddies and my birth control pills, because that's all I'd have, but at least I don't need the pills anymore. I'm done with men."
Grace squeezed her arm. "Then if you finally found love with Brad, don't throw it away too quickly."
"I don't have much choice," Justine said. "He's pretty straight forward about the kind of woman he wants to help him raise Sophie, and it's definitely not me, but I'm resigned to it. I just won't go back to what I left behind, and I kind of want to get a little self-respect back, if only for Sophie, even though I won’t be a part of her life. But if I ever see her again—maybe someday when she's grown she'll want to look me up—I want to be the kind of woman she thinks I am now. The kind of woman I am."
"I feel so bad for you," Grace said. "I just want you to be happy. You've never really been happy, even when you were at the center of things in high school, have you?"
Justine gave a weary sigh. Grace was so right. She'd never been happy in high school. She knew what she was then. The person she'd hoped her little sister would never learn about. "No, I wasn't happy then," she admitted. "I was in the center of things because that's where everyone expected Justine Page to be. Even surrounded by the cool kids it can be a cold lonely place."
"What about the birth control pills?" Grace asked. "Will you stay on them?"
"I actually quit taking them a week ago," Justine replied.
"What about in the stable?" Grace asked.
Justine shrugged. "I guess we'll have to wait and see."
"If you got pregnant, would you tell Brad?"
"Yes," Justine replied.
"You did it on purpose, didn't you," Grace said, the old accusatory tone back.
"I didn't think about it at the time," Justine replied, "but maybe unconsciously."
Grace said nothing, but Justine knew exactly what she was thinking.
Justine Page doing whatever it takes to get what she wants...
"I'm sorry if I keep disappointing you, Gracie, but I am trying to change," Justine said. "Would it be so bad if I ended up marrying Brad?"
"Yes, if you trapped him into it by getting pregnant," Grace replied. "No man wants to be trapped, but I suggest you get back on the pills until you leave here."
Justine said nothing, because there was still that little bit of the old Justine left in her, and that little bit of her wanted Brad Meecham, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, whatever it took. And she'd already thrown the birth control pills away.
***
Sitting in the chair in the great room where he'd been when he first talked to Justine, Brad looked across the coffee table to where Justine sat sandwiched between Ricky and Sophie on the couch, reading Where the Wild Things Are. He'd almost objected to her reading the book to them, because the concept of nightmares bothered him. A picture book filled with terror. He knew all about it. But unlike the book, with him the terrors didn't go away when the lights went on. They lingered in his mind, waiting for the chance to grab him. But, other than the incident at the hot springs when he told Justine about not cutting down the bodies, he hadn't had anymore day terrors. His nights had been a different thing. Not filled with nightmares of bodies hanging on hooks, but of Justine. It was like she'd invaded his mind, and every moment he'd spent with her registered and played back when he tried to sleep, and when he finally did, the erotic thoughts took over, and he'd awaken from a wet dream.
Looking at her now, the picture of modesty and respectability, with her turtle neck, and her sweater buttoned half way up the front, she might be any one of the ranch guests' wives, with her two kids peering over the book while she read, except that she still stood out in a crowd because, like Helen of Troy, she had a face that could launch a thousand ships.
She also launched other things. He wondered if he'd have this ongoing problem if she were his wife. With that thought, she raised her head from the book and looked at him, and smiled.
He couldn't smile back, because he couldn't think of her returning to Seattle and that damn glass ceiling and what she intended to do to get through it. Who she intended to do, to get through it. Justine frowned, and said, "Is everything alright?"
"No," he replied. "Can we go back to the cabin?"
"It's New Year's Eve," Justine said. "Jack's going to set off fireworks. The kids are expecting to watch them."
"Have Grace watch them."
"She can't. She has three kids to watch. Is it that important?" Justine asked.
"I don't know. You'll have to decide." Brad had no idea what he was doing because he had no idea what he was going to say to her. The idea came so fast, he hadn't taken time to think it through. She needed a job. He needed a nanny. A live-in nanny. With bedroom privileges after Sophie was asleep. Anything to put Justine in his bed and keep her there.
She's not a woman most men can ignore...
Away from all the others. For him alone...
She's your woman if you want her...
Justine looked at him, eyes intent, and said, "Then you'll be proposing something that requ
ires a decision?"
"No. I don't know. Maybe... yes." He didn't know what in hell he wanted. All he knew was what he didn't want, and that was Justine going back to Seattle, back to what she'd left behind.
"Honey, you're not making any sense," Justine said.
There's the honey again. The woman was a curse. And a blessing. A curse because she drove him crazy, and a blessing because... She made him happy. And she knew how to get him through the mind terrors. And she was beautiful and clever and everything he could possibly want in a woman. Everything, but a mother for Sophie. "Maybe I just want to spend a little time alone with you before you go." Like the rest of his life.
"Alone, as in what happened in the stable?" Justine asked.
What happened in the stable was a stupid and impulsive move. They'd had twenty seconds of sex, and he hadn't used a condom, and he didn't know if she was on the pill, and in those few seconds they could have created a child, and he didn't care because if she got pregnant he wouldn't be in the damn quandary he was in over whether she'd make a decent mother for Sophie and wife for him. She'd be both, and that would be that.
"Maybe," he said, and saying it made him want it more. What happened in the stable was also a half-assed attempt to give her everything he'd wanted to from the start, an experience she'd find so gratifying she'd never want any other man but him, and that couldn't happen in twenty seconds while standing in a stable. He'd need an entire night. Time to prepare her. And after the first explosive coming together, when things settled some, time to spend more time, and go at it slowly, and enjoy every moment of what they could offer each other.
Justine was still looking at him, but saying nothing, and he knew she was thinking about it too. Then she pursed her lips, not in disgust but in resolve, and said, "I promised Sophie I'd be with her when the fireworks go off and I won't let her down. What you want will have to wait."
Yeah. The nanny idea was a lame one. Sophie would eventually catch them in bed and that would be hard to explain. Daddy doing nanny. And Sophie would know from that time on that men did women, and women did men, and they didn't have to be married to do it.
"Never mind. It wasn't important," he said.
At the fireworks, which Jack set up in the asphalt runway where guests coming by small private plane could land, Brad and Sam stood together, a short distance from where Justine was holding both kid's hands. While Jack was setting up, Sam said to Brad, "Jack said Justine's leaving next week. You going to do anything about it?"
"Anything like what?" Brad asked. It was odd how he and Sam had bonded. He'd never been one for male bonding, but it wasn't bad, bouncing things off another man. A different perspective than what he'd get from a woman, especially since the woman he'd been bouncing things off of until now was his dilemma.
"Like marrying her," Sam said.
"I've got to get Sophie settled in first," Brad replied.
"So, when Sophie turns eighteen you might consider marrying Justine?"
Brad let out a short snort. "Justine's not ready to settle with anyone, least of all a man with a kid. She still has that damn glass ceiling to crack. She's going back to have at it again."
"She told you that?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," Brad replied. "She knows she can't be a mother to Sophie, and we all know the reason why."
"People change," Sam said. "From the way Grace talks Justine's changed a lot since she's been here, and she knows it’s because of you. She thinks Justine would consider marrying you."
"It would have to be a hell of a lot more than Justine considering it," Brad said. "She'd have to show some signs of staying power. I don't want a short-term marriage. Justine's short-term. And Sophie's her first experience with kids. She seems to be liking it, but the novelty could wear off. I don't want Sophie to be her trial child. What about you? Have you looked into hiring a PI?" Brad asked, wanting to shift the conversation now. He'd somehow hoped Sam would offer a solution—wise words coming out of a session of male bonding—but marriage wasn't the solution, so that only left Justine's magic dust.
I'd sprinkle it on me and turn myself into someone else...
The problem was, he didn't want someone else he wanted Justine the way she was, but for him alone. He needed the magic dust to convince himself that she could be a mother to Sophie and lead by example, which would take time, and with Justine, time would run out in a week.
"I've thought about the PI," Sam said, "but I like the idea of flattening the guy's balls and sending him on his way and getting my wife back."
"Well, take some advice from someone who's been where you are," Brad said. "When you take back a cheating wife, what you get is a cheating wife."
When Sam said nothing, Brad knew he'd hit him where it hurt. The truth.
Brad looked askance at Sam. "Just make sure you're not reading something into a relationship that doesn't exist," he said. "You love the woman, so you're naturally jealous of any man who looks at her, and if she interacts with him, even on a business level, you read into it more than what's there. She could be turned off to sex with you because you're accusing her of something that's not happening, and her fitness instructor could be turned on by her because you said she looks as good as when you married her."
"There was semen on Susan's underwear," Sam said, in a plodding voice. "I dug it out of the laundry hamper."
"Did you confront her with it?"
"No," Sam said. "I'm putting it off a little longer because of Ricky. It's going to be a big blowup, and it's also going to upset Jack and Grace because they'll want to be involved, and Ricky's bound to hear some of the talk. He might not understand about wives cheating on husbands yet, but it'll all come out, and he'll never look at his mother the same again. The kid's been through enough with his health problems. Now that he's on the mend, I want him to enjoy life a little longer. There's time yet."
"Man, I wouldn't want to share a bed with a woman who's getting it on with a guy whose salary is coming out of my pocket, while I'm also being deprived of sex with my wife because she's screwing around with the guy," Brad said.
"Maybe that's what mistresses are for," Sam mused.
"Are you considering that?" Brad asked. For some reason he didn't think Sam the kind of man who'd have sex outside of marriage, no matter what the reason. But then, Sam wasn't Jack Hansen, and Jack would never be in Sam's situation because Jack had Grace, and that marriage was made in heaven.
"I'm frustrated as hell," Sam said, "but no, I'm not thinking about it. In Ricky's eyes, when he'd finally figure it out, I wouldn't be any better than Susan."
"Yeah, kids complicate the situation," Brad said.
"That's for sure," Sam replied. "If I didn't have Ricky I would have tossed the underwear at Susan and headed for my attorney's office and that would be that."
"And if I didn't have Sophie I'd marry Justine in an instant if she'd have me," Brad said. "She's had a lot of men, but I can put that aside, but with Sophie I can't take the chance. So maybe you're right. When Sophie's eighteen I'll look up Justine and see if she's ready to settle."
A barrage of fireworks suddenly lit the sky. Sophie broke loose from Justine and came running over to Brad and said, in an excited voice, while raising her arms to him, "Can you put me on your shoulders, Daddy, like the other kids?"
Brad looked at Sophie, the word Daddy still strange to his ears, but nice, and said, "Sure honey," and swept her up and settled her on his shoulders. He felt her little mittened hands sandwiched on his head, one on each side of his face. He gripped her legs and held onto her. Sophie Meecham. Brad Meecham's daughter. His little girl. And he'd be there for the duration.
Ricky rushed up to Sam for him to do the same, and the two men stood together, kids on their shoulders, a couple of dads with women in their lives who were giving them hell, except that the woman who was walking up to him now wasn't sleeping with another man, or with him, and the temptation was almost more than he could handle.
Justine placed her h
and on his arm and looked up at him, and said, "I told you things would work out for the two of you. You'll be fine now. You don't need me any longer so I'm moving back to the lodge tomorrow."
"No," Brad said. "You don't need to do that."
"Yes, I do," Justine replied. "After Sophie goes to sleep I'll try to give you a few more pointers on raising a child like her, but then you'll be on your own."
Brad had the gut feeling that after Sophie went to sleep, he'd come up with a dozen excuses why he should carry Justine off to his bed, but from the way she was talking, he suspected she'd be the one to put the skids on things…
A couple of hours later, after Justine helped Sophie bathe and got her into her pajamas, she came out of Sophie's bedroom, and said to Brad, "She wants you to tuck her in. Think you can handle that?"
"There's a first time for everything, I guess," Brad said. He went into the bedroom to find Sophie under the covers, her hair a mop of blond curls framing her face, her blue eyes bright on seeing him when he walked in. He sat on the side of the bed, wondering what to do next. Touch her? Kiss her on the forehead? Tuck the covers around her chin? What do dads do now?
Sophie solved his dilemma by opening her arms to him, and saying, "You can hug me now, Daddy, if you want."
And he did. Putting his arms around her little body, Brad held her against him. She smelled of bubble bath and apple shampoo and fresh little girl. Sweet. Innocent. A precious little person he'd give his life for now, and it had been barely more than a week since she'd come to him. A week that had changed his life forever.
"That's enough," Sophie said, in a voice that smacked of authority. Five-year-old authority. Cute. Ricky was already familiar with it. Maybe a good thing. Sophie wouldn't let boys or men control her. She'd keep the control, but somehow there had to be a happy medium.
Justine was also a woman who had to have the control, but the means by which she took it had also taken her self-respect. That would not happen with Sophie, but for the life of him, he didn't know how to set Sophie straight. "Can I have a kiss goodnight before I go," he asked her.
Living With Lies Trilogy (Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Dancing Moon Ranch Series) Page 35