"No!" Justine said quickly, remembering Brad's state of undress, minutes before. "We're in deer country now. We'll be seeing lots of deer. Come on. Let's get you to the outhouse and then bathed and dressed so we can see what other animals live up here on this mountain."
On the way back from the outhouse, Sophie scooped up a handful of snow and packed it into a ball, and announced, "I'm going to build a snowman." She started rolling the ball around the way Ricky had shown her the day they built the snowman, while making a little path in the snow.
Justine scooped up some snow and made her own ball, and said, "I'll make Mr. Snowman's big fat body, and we'll have your Daddy carve a pipe out of a stick for him, and we can give him pine cone eyes."
"And a pine cone belly button," Sophie said, giggling.
"Absolutely," Justine said, pushing the ball around in a worm-like track. "I saw an old cap in the cabin. We can put that on his head."
Sophie giggled again. "Can we stay here forever?" she asked.
"Maybe not forever," Justine replied, "but for a little while." Realizing Sophie was still in her pajamas and robe, she added, "And I think we'd better finish Mr. Snowman later, after you're bathed and dressed and have had breakfast."
"Are you going to fix breakfast for me?" Sophie asked.
Justine looked down at Sophie's expectant face and knew Sophie was asking for more than just breakfast. She was wanting her to fix breakfast the way Mommy once did. "Yes, sweetheart," she said. "I'll be fixing breakfast for you and your daddy, so come on, let's get started."
By the time they'd returned to the cabin, there was a fire in the water boiler, and Brad was crouched in front of the fireplace, placing split logs on the embers.
Sophie rushed up to him, and said, in an excited voice, "Justine and I are building a snowman and you have to carve a pipe for him and we're going to stick in pinecone eyes and give him a belly button and you have to come out and help finish him after I take a bath and get dressed and eat breakfast and—"
"Whoa there, honey," Brad said. "Slow down."
Sophie repeated everything more slowly, and after Brad agreed to carve the pipe and help finish the snowman, Sophie said, "Can I take a bath in the tin tub now?"
"Sure, honey." While Brad filled the tub with hot water from the boiler, and cold water from the sink to make it pleasantly warm, Sophie stripped off her clothes, leaving them in a pile near the tub, and said to Brad, "Can I get in now?"
"You sure can. Do you want Justine to scrub you down?"
Sophie nodded, and said in a wistful voice, "Mommy used to do that." She looked at Justine then, and added, "Will you be my mommy?" When Justine didn't reply, Sophie looked at Brad, and said, "Daddy, can Justine be my mommy?"
Brad glanced at Justine, held her gaze for the stretch of several seconds, and said to Sophie, "Maybe we could play a game while we're here… pretend we're a family. That way you can call Justine mommy. But when we get back to the ranch, we'll have to stop pretending because the game will be over. Okay?"
Sophie nodded, and turned to Justine and said, "Will you bathe me now, Mommy?"
The sound of the word Mommy coming from Sophie brought tears to Justine's eyes. She couldn't explain her response, other than it triggered something she knew she'd never have.
She'd never considered being Mommy to anyone, least of all this child she hadn't known existed less than two weeks before. And she'd never considered having a family, or even a husband. She'd been so focused on that glass ceiling there had been no place in her life for ordinary things. A house, a husband, a child. An ordinary woman leading an ordinary life. That picture had never been a part of Justine Page's life. But now it was the focus of her world.
A world of make believe... A fairytale that would soon be ending...
CHAPTER 13
Justine couldn't remember a time when she'd felt so contented. Nor had she ever felt loved by a man until Brad came into her life, even though neither of them had said the words. She'd had sex with numerous men, but she'd never had a man make love to her. With Brad, she felt like it was all about what he could do to make her satisfied in every way, whether it was holding her during the night while nestled together in a giant sleeping bag made by zipping the bags together, or through his close attention to activating every intimate area of her body before making love to her. She tried to give him everything she thought he'd want, but in some respects she felt like a virgin with her first experience, because everything with Brad was so new. Even the way he explored her body was unlike anything she'd ever experienced. It had never been all about her needs before.
She looked at Brad, who was standing in front of a small table with an antique pitcher and bowl with warm water in it, taking a quick morning sponge bath. She didn't know whether it was because the body of the man belonged to Brad, or because he seemed perfectly formed with all the right male proportions, but she appreciated everything she saw. When he'd finished and was about to dress, she tossed back the sleeping bag and stood. "Before you cover everything up, I want a flesh-to-flesh hug," she said, and walked into Brad's open arms. "I love being with you like this. Clothes get in the way. I like feeling your skin against mine."
"Yeah, me too," Brad said. He lifted her chin with the curve if his finger and kissed her, not a long, passionate kiss, but a short, sweet one, then released her and dressed.
And Justine slipped into her robe and waited while Brad tossed out the water in the wash bowl and refilled the pitcher for her.
After he'd gone, and while Justine stood at the wash bowl, she contemplated the day before. Jack rode up to the cabin and told them that Harrison Patel arrived to find them gone, and when Grace told him Brad left with Sophie during the night, leaving no forwarding address, Patel was suspicious and demanded to see the check Brad wrote for charges on the cabin so he could get Brad's address. Grace refused and had to get Jack to settle the man down. But then Patel stormed out, saying he'd be back with the sheriff.
Brad was troubled by it all, but once he'd finished letting loose with a string of expletives aimed at Patel, and verbalized what he'd like to do to the man, things settled down, and the fairy tale continued. Dinner had been a comedy of errors while she put together a meal of canned chili and boxed cornbread to be cooked on a wood stove. When the cornbread burned on the bottom, and the chili scorched in the iron pot, they settled for packaged oatmeal. But while they were sitting around the table with their bowls of steaming oats in front of them, Justine proposed a prayer before they ate, another part of the fairy tale: the family that prays together stays together.
"Thank you God for giving us this time together as a family," she'd said, peeking up at Sophie, whose eyes were closed and little hands were pressed together, then she closed her eyes too, and continued, "and always stay with Sophie while she's growing up and help her make the right decisions, and watch over her daddy too, and guide him in helping Sophie grow up to be everything you want her to be. Amen." When she'd finished, she opened her eyes and looked across the table at Brad, who was staring at her. It was a curious look, one that caught and held her attention.
It still held her attention, as she finished her sponge bath, because in that absorbed look she got the impression that Brad was considering things. Considering her.
"Mommy!" Sophie called from behind the closed door to the bedroom. "Daddy says to hurry. He has the oatmeal ready for breakfast."
"I'll be right there, sweetheart," Justine called back, still feeling the warmth of that one word coming from a little girl who had just lost her mother and had, seemingly, found another. Now, Justine wondered if maybe the fairy tale idea was a mistake. It was a dream come true for her, imagining herself Sophie's mother and Brad's wife, and she didn't want the fairy tale to end, but it would end for Sophie, who'd lose yet another mother.
Justine joined them at the kitchen table for a breakfast of instant oatmeal and canned applesauce that Brad put together. When Brad started to eat, Sophie reminded him that they needed t
o pray first, which they did, but this time, instead of Sophie asking God to bring Mommy back from heaven, she asked Him to make the deer come out of the woods so she could see it again.
Justine glanced around the table at her little family, and said to Sophie, "After we finish eating we'll put out corn for the squirrels." She'd never fed squirrels before, but she'd found dried corn and sunflower seeds in a small, galvanized garbage can, with the words squirrels written across it with a marker, and small assorted seeds in another container, labeled birds, and decided it would be fun to see what Grace described.
A squirrel comes down, chasing the chipmunks away, but before long a Stellar Jay arrives with a squawk and makes such a commotion that the squirrel leaves...
"We'll put seed out for the birds too," she added, hoping at least one jay would arrive to entertain them. She wanted the whole mountain cabin experience to be something Sophie would always remember with fondness.
"Can I ride on a horse again?" Sophie asked, in an excited voice.
"Not until Uncle Jack comes back for us," Justine replied, her words jarring her out of the fairy tale. Yet, Seattle seemed remote, a place where she'd lived a life she was finding hard to relate to now. And still, she knew she'd be going back. But not yet.
She looked across the table at Brad, who was staring at her with brows drawn. Then he pushed his chair back, and said, "I've got to feed the horses," and left.
Justine stared after him. His abrupt exit baffled her. Maybe, like her, he didn't want things to end. Then, maybe his reasons for not wanting it to end were different from hers. He'd been a man without a woman before she came to the ranch, and now he had a woman who couldn't get enough of him. That alone would have any man wanting to stay in the fairy tale. But she couldn't help thinking it went deeper. Brad was different from the others. He seemed to care.
She stood and started clearing the table. "Come on, honey," she said to Sophie, who was dabbling with her oatmeal. "Finish up so we can feed the squirrels and birds and hike with Daddy to the top of the hill so we can see the view."
Sophie shoveled the rest of her oatmeal down, and said, with a full mouth, "I'm through now, Mommy. Can we go?"
Justine paused on hearing Sophie call her Mommy again, but now it was beginning to sound natural, like it was the way it should be. Justine Page. Mommy. Mother. Wife. She let out a little cynical laugh. Sophie looked at her, puzzled, and said, "Why did you laugh?"
"No reason, honey," Justine replied. "Well, maybe there is a reason. I'm happy."
"Me too," Sophie said. Shoving her chair back, she went up to Justine and raised her hands. When Justine picked her up, Sophie curved her arms around Justine's neck and her legs around Justine's waist, and said, "I love you, Mommy."
Have you ever comforted a child? Have you ever even held one in your arms...?
Justine felt the warmth of Sophie's little body wrapped around her and realized she didn't want this part of the fairy tale to end. It wasn't just about having Brad in her bed at night, and being able to look at him, and talk to him, and banter with him during the day. It was about them being a family. A real family. "I love you too, sweetheart," she said.
‘Yes, Grace,' she wanted to say. 'I have held a child...'
She set Sophie down, and after she'd bundled herself and Sophie in jackets and hats and mittens and boots, they set out to join Brad for the climb up the hill. Brad was in the corral, pumping water into an old tub for the horses. Seeing them coming, he closed the gate and joined them. As they hiked up the hill, Justine wished she could cut all ties to Seattle and let it drift into the Puget Sound and float into the Pacific. Float completely out of her life. Maybe she would consider starting over in another city. She had a resume that would open doors. Maybe no doors through the glass ceiling, but other doors. Doors to respectability. Somehow, by stepping down, she felt she was moving up. A strange concept for her to grasp....
Sophie darted in front of Brad, raised her arms to him, and said, "Daddy, will you put me on your shoulders?"
"Sure, kiddo, come on up." Grabbing Sophie under the arms, Brad hoisted her above his head and settled her on his shoulders, then gripped her legs and looked at Justine and smiled. Justine smiled back. It came to her then that Brad looked happy. And content. For the past two weeks he'd said nothing about having flashbacks or night terrors, and while they were hiking the day before, he'd talked about getting back to the book he'd been working on when he had to put it aside to deal with the past. It worried her that he'd be going back to San Francisco and taking Sophie with him, that if things started up again, he'd have no one to help him through it, or to assure Sophie that her father was alright.
"There's no way Patel's going to take her," Brad said, continuing up the trail, and Justine knew his thoughts were in other areas. "If he returns with the sheriff, I'll take her and hike over the other side of this mountain and we'll disappear where we won't be found."
"Then I'll go with you," Justine said, "to a place where we can both start over."
Brad's eyes sharpened, and he said nothing.
"Wait a minute," Justine said, "You're serious."
"Dead serious," Brad replied. "The bigger question is, are you?"
Justine didn't know. She'd shoved aside all thoughts of Harrison Patel taking Sophie away with him. But things were different now. She might not flee with Brad if it came down to that, but she understood why he would leave. She understood a lot of feelings about parents and children she'd never understood before.
"No," Brad said. "I didn't think you would."
"That's because I know Sophie would be safe with you," Justine said, feeling a stab of self-reproach because she knew Brad was right. She wasn't ready to give it all up and trail along with him and Sophie to some remote place where they'd hide out until Sophie was eighteen. "But if it happened that I was suddenly given custody of Sophie and had to make that decision, I'd do the same thing you would," she said, but knew Brad wasn't convinced.
"You won't have to make that decision," Brad assured her, effectively shutting her out of a life with him and Sophie. But Justine already knew that. The fairy tale was only to last while they were at a cabin in the mountains, and their time was quickly running out.
"What kind of animal is that?" Sophie asked, pointing in the distance.
"An elk," Brad replied. "He's the daddy of his herd. He'll have lots of wives."
"Like you and Mommy?" Sophie asked.
"We're only playing make believe," Brad said. "It's just while we're here."
"Can you and Mommy have a make-believe baby while we're here?" Sophie asked.
Brad glanced at Justine, then said to Sophie, "It takes a lot of planning to have a make-believe baby and we won't be here that long."
"Then can you and Mommy have a real baby when we get back?" Sophie asked. "I want someone to play with."
Justine felt Brad's eyes on her but didn't look at him. They hadn't discussed birth control, and Brad hadn't worn a condom at any time, and she wasn't on the pill, yet the subject had never been broached. She didn't want to bring it up. She wanted things just as they were. If she got pregnant, the past wouldn't matter.
"You'll have playmates when we get to San Francisco," Brad replied, and from his tone of voice, it was clear the discussion about having babies was over.
A little later, as they made their way back down the trail, with Sophie leading the way, as they were approaching the cabin, Sophie shouted, "Look!" while pointing in the distance to where a couple of riders were approaching on horseback.
"It's Sam," Brad said. "I recognize his black horse, and Ricky's with him."
Sophie's face broke into a wide grin. "He's riding a horse!" she exclaimed. "Ricky can ride a horse all by himself." She rushed a little ways ahead and waited for them.
"Hero worship," Justine said to Brad. "Watch Ricky's reaction when he finds out."
"They're five and six," Brad reminded her.
"Yeah," Justine replied. "It can start that y
oung. Ricky won't know what hit him."
"Don't let them play in the bedroom," Brad said, his voice dead sober.
"Don't worry," Justine replied. "Sophie doesn't know about those things yet, but she does know how to roll those pretty blue eyes, and strike a little provocative pose, and smile up at Ricky through her long lashes. It's inborn in little girls."
"Then I guess it's inborn in little boys to piss a circle around whatever they claim."
Justine looked at Brad and laughed. "I never heard it put that way."
"Yeah, well I pissed a circle around you when Sam Hansen was watching you when we took the kids sledding. He got the message."
Justine looked at Brad with a start. "Sam was looking at me? But why? He's married."
"Like I said, you sprinkle some kind of magic dust on men and they want you."
"Not Sam," Justine said. "We've barely spoken two words."
"Sam's a man, and he's going through hell with his wife, and he's frustrated because she's getting it on with another man, and he's having a long dry spell in bed."
"He told you Susan was sleeping with someone?" Justine asked. She already had a low opinion of Susan Hansen, but she didn't think Susan would cheat on a man like Sam. But she also didn't think Sam would look at another woman. She found the idea of him watching her troubling. She didn't want Sam to look at her that way. She didn't want any man to look at her that way. Only Brad.
"She's sleeping with her fitness instructor," Brad said. "Sam's ready to beat the crap out of the guy and take back his wife."
"Then he still loves her?" Justine asked, wondering why any man would want a woman who cheated on him. The one thing Justine prided herself with was that she'd never cheated on any of the men she'd been sleeping with. That didn't make things right, but it made them less wrong.
"Yeah," Brad said. "And don't worry. Sam doesn't have his sights on you. He made it clear to me, not because I'd pissed a circle around you, but because he was being truthful. He admires your beauty but that's all. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes though. It's a nasty road to travel once divorce proceedings start."
Living With Lies Trilogy (Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Dancing Moon Ranch Series) Page 37